I have this problem with acronyms—I hate when they’re forced. It’s really cool when an acronym just works out or falls into place. Like MADD: Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Some mother lost her child to a drunk driver, and she was not only devastated, but pretty fucking pissed, so she started a nonprofit to fight back. MADD. It’s great.

Then there are some acronyms that are pretty inoccuous, but still seem a little unnecessary. Take VISTA: Volunteers in Service to America. Kind of nice right? That’s what a VISTA is, a volunteer in service to America, makes sense. And calling someone a VISTA is a lot easier than rattling off that long title. But is it really necessary? There are a lot of other ways to describe what these people do, yet they picked this one because it allowed for a catchy name.

GREEN is another good example. Gathering Resources to be Educated about our Environment and Nature. Come on, that’s just stupid. Green is a great name for an environmental group or program, but the acronym is unnecessary. Just call yourself Green; people will get it. Your mission statement can reflect the stuff about resources and environment and education, just in case anyone needs a little more information. Drop the ridiculous acronym.

But what really bugs me is when the acronym is not only ridiculous and unnecessary, but just plain stupid. A couple of my favorites (if ‘favorite’ means it makes my skin crawl with annoyance) are VISION: Volunteers Incorporating Service Into Our Neighborhoods, and COOKIES: Creating Optimistic Outlooks and Keeping Interest in Educational Success. People, it is not a requirement that the name of your program be an acronym. Just a catchy name is fine and totally acceptable. And if the first letters of the words in the name don’t spell an actual word, it’s okay. Like you could just be Volunteers Serving Neighbors, and then when you’re lazy call yourself VSN. Perfectly acceptable and even preferred.

But wait, I’m not done. I’ve come across a lot of irksome acronyms, but so far the one that most makes me want to shoot the creator in the thigh is…

SPARKLE: Service Produces A Rich Knowledge-Based Learning Environment

Are you kidding me? SPARKLE? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Sparkle. Okay I’m guessing you’re like a service group that ties volunteerism with education or something. But Sparkle? Is that really working for you? Do you sprinkle everyone with glitter when they walk in the door? Do you incorporate sequins into all your activities? Does everyone who joins get a free diamond ring? With all the possibilities for a name, how do you end up at SPARKLE?

Okay we need a name, so let’s think about what exaclty we do here. We do service, okay, and education. Learning, knowledge, can we work with any of that? S, L, K…slink! No, um, skull. But no that doesn’t make sense. We need something jazzy, something noticeable and exciting. Something that sparkles. Sparkle! That’s it! We can work with that, let’s see. Service People Are Really Kinky Lovers Everywhere. Uh yeah, that didn’t quite work. How about Service P-P-P-Produces! Service Produces A something, that part was easy. A what though? Something before Knowledge. Rank, rapid, rotund, risqué, rich. Rich is good. A Rich Knowledge for Learning? No, A Rich Knowledged-based Learning. Oh that’s good. Service Produces A Rich Knowledge-Based Learning Experiment? Experience? Environment? Environment yes, perfect. Service Produces A Rich Knowledge-Based Learning Enviroment. That’s it, SPARKLE. That’s a sweet acronym dude. I’m awesome. Put it on the letterhead.

What obnoxious acronyms make your skin crawl?