doahleigh - Holy Waste of Teabags!

Yesterday was two months. I’ve been single for two months. Feels like ten months and feels like ten minutes at the same time. Many of you have been really awesome about keeping in touch with me even when I don’t know what to write here anymore. So let’s start with that. Thank you. You guys seriously rock.

As far as everything else… well, it’s getting better. I’ve been on Celexa for a week, but I’m not sure how to know if it’s working. My aunt - a pharmacist - says even though full effects won’t happen for awhile, I should be able to tell if it’s going to work within a week. So I’m not really sure what to think because I feel about the same as I did a week ago. Not great, but tolerable.

It’s still a day-by-day thing. I woke up yesterday and for no reason felt great. I woke up today, after finally sleeping more than five hours, and felt crappy. Who knows, I don’t get it.

I’ve talked to Brad a little bit recently, and in some ways that’s really been helpful, and in other ways it makes it worse. I’m just kind of all over the place right now. I have no idea what I want, no idea what I’m doing, no idea what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad, no idea what to think about anything. I’m confident this will pass, that eventually I’ll be a little more clear-headed. I just don’t know how long that will take. Anyone have a good guess? Please? Anyone?

In the meantime, here is my temporary fix to the extremely shitty past two months: I’m going on a cruise. This week. I leave Tuesday.

Yeah.

My friend Erica is a travel agent, and she called me a couple weeks ago to say that she had a great deal on a three-night cruise, she already reserved her spot, did I want to go with her. You should know that I have always wanted to go on a cruise. And you should also know that I didn’t have any money left in the travel budget this year. But it was such a good deal, and I need to get the hell out of here, and like Erica said to finally convince me… I deserve it. So I said yes.

I’m using vacation days that I wanted to save, and I’m putting the whole thing on my credit card that I otherwise never use, and I’m missing a week of classes so I’ve been killing myself the last two weeks trying to work ahead. But I’m recovering from a broken heart and a broken relationship, and I’m going to the Bahamas with a good friend, so screw everything else right? Right.

I’m actually really excited. So any tips from those of you who have cruised before on how to get the most out of my time?

Breathe. Sometimes I have to remind myself to exhale. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath to steady myself. Sometimes I stop in the middle of what I’m doing so I can close my eyes, breathe and stop the spinning.

Sleep is becoming a problem. I haven’t gotten any real sleep in a week. The last two nights I had two Excederin PM pills in me, and I still laid awake for hours. I’m tired and I’m weary. It’s making it harder to stave off the sadness. I’m tired and weary and sad, and I keep forgetting to breathe.

Today I start classes. I woke up at 6:50am and I won’t be home until after 9pm. I need a nap, but instead I have to be “on” for 14 straight hours. I’m not ready for this semester. It should be a distraction for me, but instead it feels like a big heavy burden that I’m not strong enough to carry.

I’m so tired of feeling bad. Everyone keeps saying it will get better, and I know I won’t feel like this my whole life, but I can’t believe I still wake up most days and feel the heaviness on my heart. I still have the knot in my stomach, I still have the lump in my throat from holding back tears. It’s been just over five weeks, and I have felt every single second of those weeks. Not a second has gone by that I wasn’t aware of. Time flies when you’re having fun, but time is endless when you feel the weight of every passing minute. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and feel better so this could all be behind me. It’s so hard to imagine that in another five weeks I might still be carrying some of this with me. Five weeks? That’s like an eternity in my mind. I can’t possible get through another five weeks of this. I’m not even sure how I’m going to get through today.

I’m so angry and hurt that he made me feel this way. He’s the one who admitted he just couldn’t get himself to do the work he knew was necessary. He’s the one who was unwilling to commit. He’s the one who couldn’t give his all and who probably took me for granted. So why am I the one hurting? Shouldn’t it be me who says, I deserve better, so I’m done with you. Look what you’re missing, look what you’re giving up! Shouldn’t he be the one who regrets not doing enough for me and for us? Shouldn’t he be hurting? How did this all get so backwards?

I’ve tried to convince my heart that in fact it was me who broke up with him because I know I deserve better than him. All those times that I got frustrated and questioned our future and he asked me not to give up on him – well it finally was too much and I walked away for my own good. That’s what I tell my heart. But my heart doesn’t really care because no matter what, it’s broken. Even if I had been the one to leave, it would have been because this man who I had invested my whole self in decided he couldn’t do the same. Because the one person I wanted to love me forever couldn’t do that. Because all my hard work was rejected. Because all my faith in him was wasted. It would have been because I wasn’t loved by the person I loved, and that causes a broken heart no matter who does the leaving.

Still, he should be the one hurting, not me. But it is me.

And it’s still not going away.

I’ve learned that I don’t handle grief well. Or at least I don’t handle it quietly. I can’t push it away and I can’t ignore it. It’s always right there. I make lists of the things that I can be thankful for, I seek out the things that make me happy, I try to distract myself, I try to force myself to be happy. But after five and a half weeks I’m just so tired. And weary. And sad.

[Thank you to everyone for continuing to be there for me with your comments and emails. I know nothing I write really reflects it, but reading your support has truly helped. The last five weeks would have been even worse if I couldn't write about it all, and in return learn from all of you.]

About six weeks ago I wrote about a scary syllabus I had gotten for my first session summer class. I was dreading that course, dreading the work, dreading the many hours of sitting in a windowless classroom on warm summer evenings. But many of you said that I might actually end up enjoying this class.

Well smarties, you were right. So far, it’s the best class I’ve taken in the program. The professor had high expectations of us, but it’s because he truly wanted us to learn. And I did! I was really interested and engaged in the material, the discussions were interesting, and my classmates were fun.

Tuesday was the last class and the majority of us went out for a drink afterward, along with the professor. It was a really good group and I’m a little sad it’s over. Actually no, I am really glad it’s over because I’m one step closer to my degree, but I kind of wish I had taken this class during a full semester and taken one of the crappier classes for only six weeks.

I start my second session course next week. I haven’t seen the syllabus yet, but I hope it’s not as intense. Yeah I know, I just said I learned a lot from an intense course, but I’m tired and I really do want to enjoy my summer. Fortunately about half the students from the first class are taking the second one with me. I’m counting on them to get me through it!

This weekend was gorgeous! Well Sunday was at least. I spent the majority of Friday night and Saturday doing school work—it always takes so much longer than I anticipate—so those days weren’t quite so enjoyable. But because I got it all done, I was able to enjoy Sunday without a single homework worry. I made cupcakes in the morning, then Brad and I went to the park to hang out for awhile. We have two really great parks near our place, and my favorite thing to do with a gorgeous spring day is walk around or sit around or lay around in one of them. After the park we grabbed an early dinner, then I got ready to host my book club. That’s what the cupcakes were for.

That got done in time for me to watch the last half of the MTV Movie Awards, and then, conveniently, they played the whole thing over again so I watched the first half before going to bed. Two things to note:

1. I’m totally falling for the Robert Downey Jr. craze right now. I can’t help it, there’s something about his new look and swagger that catches my attention. Yes, I admit, I have a little crush on RDJ.
2. But more importantly, I have a slightly disturbing crush on Johnny Depp. I mean I’ve always had a thing for him, but I don’t really get all gaga for any celebrity. It’s not in me to put that much effort into celebrity crush. I joke about him igniting my girl parts, but I’ve never actually had an unintentional physical reaction to him. But when he was accepting his award last night, I got warm. Like actually warm. My body temperature increased. The hell? That has never happened before, not even in the six plus hours I watched him as Capt. Jack Sparrow, who, if you’ll remember, was the person whose poster Brad and I hung in our bedroom for awhile.

The weekend ended with a horrible night’s sleep last night. And now today I’m tired and grumpy. Great way to start the week no?

I hate how much time I spent on homework this weekend. Far too much.

Friday I worked until 12, then I read six chapters and wrote six short papers for class. I took time to eat dinner, get ice cream with Brad and do a few other tasks, but I didn’t finish the last paper until 10:30 that night. Ugh. So yeah, that was my Friday.

Saturday I worked 10:30 to 3, then my sister Kelli and I drove up to my sister Emily’s new house to help her move in. Andrea (other sister) and Mom were aleady up there. On of my sisters kinda sorta backed into a truck when she was trying to move my dad’s truck, which we had borrowed. Um oops. So that caused a little drama for awhile, but we managed to help Em and Drew (her boyfriend) unpack before settling in to watch a movie. Oh did I say watch a movie? I meant walk around and talk loudly while a movie was playing because that’s what almost everyone did. So annoying. Despite the lack of furniture, we all stayed the night - couple in the bed, couple on the couch, couple on the floor.

I had to leave soon after getting up on Sunday. More homework, what else? This week I have to do this short presentation in class, but because of the requirements of the presentation, it took me ALL DAY to prepare it! It was so ridiculous and I hate it. It’s basically all I did Sunday besides laundry, grocery shopping and a desperately needed nap. Have I mentioned I’m ready for this class to be done?

Also, last night two of my sisters and mom dropped by to drop off one of these. As you can see, they are on major sale, and with my sister’s employee discount… 40 bucks! For a chair I have been coveting since last summer. Seems like everyone in my family has two or three, and they’re so perfect for chillin’ or reading in the sun. I can’t wait to put it on my deck. I like to sit out there and do my class reading whenever it’s nice enough, but currently I sit awkardly in a camping chair. From now on? I just might fall asleep instead of reading. Wait, maybe the chair wasn’t such a great idea…

I’ve always kind of thought of myself as unmemorable. Not distinct enough to lodge in anyone’s memory without having a significant interaction first. I almost always remember when I’ve met someone before, even if it was only for a second, and even if I can’t come up with their name. I always remember having met them. But I often pretend like I don’t remember to avoid seeming too eager. Because frankly, they usually don’t remember that they ever laid eyes on me. Unmemorable.

One time when I was about 11, I was at a friend of my mom’s house for some reason. Mom was visiting and I was tagging along I guess, and while they were chatting and I was getting bored, in walked this girl a couple years older than me (who turned out to be the friend’s niece). I recognized her immediately from the halls of school. I braced myself for the awkwardness that would come when the adults introduced us and asked if we knew each other. I’d remember her, she wouldn’t remember ever having seen me. I admitted that yes, I had seen her around school, and when the adults looked at her to see if she too recognized me, the girl smiled politely and nodded her head. I knew she was lying, she didn’t remember me. Unmemorable.

So it came as no surprise last night in class that the professor went around the room and recited everyone’s name from memory. Except mine. He had just met most of us two nights before in our first class, so I was impressed as he flew through the class with no mistakes. But somehow I knew, I could just tell that he wasn’t going to remember me. On Tuesday we had even had a conversation about my last name because he pronounced it right on the first try (nobody does!) and he wondered if I was related to a Ron he knew with the same last name (I’m not). But on Thursday, before he even got to me, I started to feel ashamed. I knew he’d slip up on me, and I knew that people would notice that I’m the only forgettable one.

Sure enough, he rattled off name after name without a problem, then he looked at me and paused. He scowled a little, pensively. Gosh I can’t remember your name, he said. Were you here on Tuesday? Am I really that forgettable? I teased, embarrassed. Is it Laurie? He wasn’t even close. I don’t even look like a Laurie. Shannon [Blank], I said, not related to Ron [Blank], remember? Oh that’s right, for some reason I didn’t remember you.

Unmemorable.

I don’t want a career or a baby. Is that so wrong?

Okay that’s not entirely true. I will probably want a baby someday, and I’ll probably always have a career. But I’m not really passionate about either, and that truth doesn’t seem to fit anywhere in our society’s ideas of women. You choose a career or you choose motherhood; you give up having a family so you can become a CEO or you give up the pursuit of the top so you can you have a family. There doesn’t seem to be anything in between.

And yet, I’m somewhere in between. So I wonder… what does that make me?

If you’ve already seen it, you may have guessed that I watched “Baby Mama” over the weekend. A movie in which a thirty-something woman decides that after years of climbing the corporate ladder, she’s ready to be a mommy. This isn’t just a woman was going along in life and forgot to have a child—she intentionally did not pursue motherhood because she wanted to be a rockstar at her job. And she is! At the time of her maternal realization, she is also promoted to vice president of something or other (details allude me). But this is clearly a woman who made a choice between kids and career.

Which is the dichotomy that is almost always set up for women in the media. Movies, television, the news, even blogs. You always see something about “More women giving up careers to stay home with kids” or “Family and work: can you have it all?”

Why does it have to be one or the other? What if I don’t want either? Or what if I just don’t want either that badly?

I have a career, and I’m even working on a master’s degree so I can continue that career. But I can’t say that I have ambitions to be a big fancy anything. I don’t work because I love working, I work because I have to. And since I have to, I make sure I do a damn good job—I’m good at what I do, and I’ve excelled at every job I’ve had. Since I have to keep working for, well, ever really, I’ll continue to make sure I’m good at what I do. But don’t expect me to make sacrifices in my life for my job. Ever. No I will not give up my allotted vacation days so I can demonstrate my dedication!

Likewise, I suppose I’ll have a baby someday too. Am I dying to be a mother? Does my uterus cry out every time I see a newborn? No and no. As a matter of fact, I keep assuming the maternal urge will hit me eventually, but so far, nothing. Motherhood is in my plans, but I have no idea when and I’m certainly in no hurry. So having babies is not my ultimate goal, to say the least.

So, to refresh: I’m not a superdriven career woman and I’m not a mother-in-the-making. What am I?

It’s not so much that I’m on a crusade to change these perceptions, but just that it’s starting to wear on me. I know that I should be okay with not fitting into either mold, but the constant reminder that I should be is starting to convince me that maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe I should get off my ass and climb the ladder. Or get off my ass and make some babies. I’m not doing anything, I’m just sitting here reading lots of good books and traveling whenever I can afford it and spending time with my family (of the sibling and parent nature…not the husband and kids kind). WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

You see my point I’m sure. What is so wrong about wanting my life to be about interesting things: people, places, books, etc? Nothing. There’s nothing wrong and I know it. Yet I feel all this pressure, like, okay woman you’re 27 and you’re nowhere near becoming a mommy. That must mean you want to be a big shot career woman, but uh, nope. You don’t seem too interested in getting to the top very fast. So what exactly is it that you’re doing that’s worthwhile?

Um… I just started a book club. I went to New York last month. Does that count?

Sometimes I wonder if this whole grad school thing is just a result of that pressure. Like in order to keep going and getting better jobs, it makes sense to get some more education. And since I’m not doing anything very domestic, maybe I should try to be better at working for a living. So here I am, back in school. I’m not even sure what I want to do with this degree!

The worst thing is that as I get older, this is only going to get worse. I’ll be expected, more and more, to either procreate or tack a fancy title after my name. Or both. And all I’ll have done is read a few hundred books and taken a couple dozen trips. Is that so wrong?

I just looked over the syllabus for my first-session summer course. Um, holy crap. Finding time to blog just got A LOT harder.

I start tomorrow. Cry!

Friday night I put the finishing touches on and submitted a 68-page paper for one of my classes. Thirteen of those pages were chapter titles, but still, that’s a lot of frickin’ pages! I had been working on it all semester, and when I hit SUBMIT, that was the very last thing I had to do for the semester.

For two whole weeks I’m so done with classes! It’ll be a busy two weeks, but at least one part of my life is on break. Damn that feels good.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go enjoy the last couple hours of this gorgeous day.

Holy crap you guys, help! I’ve been so busy that I haven’t time to write anything, and I’ve hardly had time to read your stuff. My life has got to relax or I’m going to crash. I’m so close to the end of this semester, and even though it’s a very short (and busy) time before summer classes start, I can’t wait to be done.

Work is out of control, but I can’t talk about that, so moving on. Almost all of my after-work time is spent on school stuff, little life errands, or pre-arranged engagements with friends and family. I feel like I’ve been busy since November, and I wonder if it will ever chill out or if this is just my life now. I’m hoping for the first one.

I’m sorry, I hate posts that are only about how busy someone is and how they just can’t manage to blog. But it’s all I’ve got today. This week, actually. Hey at least I’m not writing about how I think I’m done here because other things have taken precedence over blogging. This is still really important to me, I’m just too busy to be creative. Or interesting. Or funny. Or at all worthy of your attention.

Please love me anyway! I still love you, and I promise I’ll visit soon.

Tomorrow I leave for Minneapolis. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but I’ll be there the rest of the week for work. Turns out that I may have some free time during my stay, so if you’ve visited or live there and know of something worthwhile, let me know. I’ve been there once before, in my last job, and all I had time to do was visit the Central Library of the Minneapolis library system. What else should I do?

———

I had a fun weekend in that it was fun, and a kind of crappy weekend in that I was busy and spent too much money. As much as I love having so many social engagements (because remember how miserable I was before I moved here, with no friends or family around?), they are expensive and make it hard to do things that need to get done. Like homework. And bathing.

Friday night we had dinner with some friends, then came back to our place for an exciting game of Trivial Pursuit Totally 80s. We were all quite young in the 80s and so didn’t do very well. After awhile we moved into a “lightening round” in which you must speed-read the questions, and anybody can answer. If anyone gets the right answer, the person whose turn it is gets a pie piece even if they’re not on a pie space on the board. It was fun and fast, so I highly recommend this method in times of need. We drank beer, ate ice cream, played Nerf basketball, Tetris and Guitar Hero before finally calling it a night.

Saturday night I met up with some old high school friends. There was a group of five of us (called SMEAR, which is an (acceptable) acronym from the first letters of our first names) who hung out in high school. Some of us manage to still get together on a regular basis now that we all live in West Michigan again, but this was going to be a big reunion with all five of us. But dinner and movie for five turned into dinner for four and a movie for three. It was not a rave success, but those of us who could make it had good time.

Sunday we went to my grandparents’ house for Easter dinner. It’s rare that the entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins and all) comes together, even for holidays. But this time everyone was there except one of my sisters. We had fun, but nobody ate the $15 veggie tray I bought and brought. Next time I get assigned something, I’m just going to pretend I forgot because it won’t be missed and then I save 15 bucks.

———

The next few weeks are a bit crazy for me. I’m gone all this week, and as soon as I return I have plans almost every day through the first week of April. Not to mention trying to finish up everything for school before the semester ends. As soon as that happens, I’m off to New York for five days. Then finally, finally I think I can breathe a little until summer classes start up May 5. Then it’s school two nights a week until early August, when I leave for a family trip out west. I hope I find time to enjoy the sunshine and warmth, once the weather finally turns. Which may never happen at this rate.

Things I’m hating right now:

Poor planning and design that results in long lines at public women’s rest rooms.

People who only manage to add “Sounds good, just let me know when!” to a group planning effort. Make a contribution people!

My itchy back.

Sprained neck muscles from poor sleeping positions.

Endless winter.

The current balance of my checking account.

Not being in Florida this week like we have been the last two years.

Things I’m loving right now:

Last night’s primary results.

Last night’s performance of RENT (except Angel, that performance was a little off).

Payday on Friday.

The fact that I don’t have class tonight because it’s Spring Break.

Blue skies and sunshine, even though it’s still bitter cold.

The free glazed donut I got at a meeting this morning. For an office environment, there really isn’t enough free junk food around here. I vote for more.

You guys are all so supportive of my cooking attempts that I may just have to write about each new thing I try. I can definitely use the positive reinforcement. Last night wasn’t very exciting though: pierogies (the frozen kind) and a salad. Brad made himself mac n’ cheese because he thinks pierogies are disgusting and salad is boring.

After dinner I meant to do some much-needed catching up on homework, but instead I went to bed at 8:30. I was on the couch with Brad, watching Mythbusters (James Bond’s magnetic forcefield watch was total bullshit, it doesn’t work), and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be asleep. Going to bed so early messes with my head though—I had bizarre dreams all night, and I woke up at 5:00 thinking I had missed my alarm. I decided to get up anyway and do something productive with that time. I did a little homework, cleaned the house, ran some errands before work.

Um, no. I didn’t. I rolled over and went back to sleep for two hours. Get up at 5? Who does that?

Things that have been going on:

1. Brad and I tried a new Mexican restaurant last Friday, one we’ve been wanting to go to for awhile. One that’s famous for its wet burritos. I ordered a shredded beef wet burrito, and when they brought it the table, I drooled all over it. I dug my fork in, salivating for that first delicious bite, and before I got the fork to my mouth I saw it. A tomato. Thinking it was probably just a stray, I dug a little further. Tomatoes tomatoes tomatoes! Everywhere! Why do those little fuckers haunt me? I had to send the whole thing back, and because I felt so bad, I lied and said I was allergic to them. And because the shredded beef is cooked with tomatoes and there’s no escaping them, I had to go with ground beef. So not the same. I’ve been craving delicious Mexican ever since.

2. I got my haircut on Tuesday, and the whole ordeal took over four hours. The weather was awful, so it took me 45 minutes to drive to the salon. I met my sister there because we have the same stylist and thought it would be fun to go together and hang out while getting beautified. I sat through my sister’s color, wash, rinse, cut and style before it was my turn. I told her to go ahead and skip the blow dryer and flat iron—I was just going out in the storm and then going to bed anyway! Plus I wanted to save the extra money it costs. But she refused to let me leave with a poof on my head and insisted on styling. I protested; she insisted. And then she charged me for it. The drive home took another 45 minutes, and I didn’t get anything productive done that night. But I did spend time with my sister, so it was worth it.

3. School work is picking up a bit. It’s time to start some of those big projects and quit doing the bare minimum. I wish I could look forward to spring break in a few weeks, but it really does me no good as I have to work all week anyway. And I don’t think I get much of a break from my online class.

4. I’ve had zero time to craft lately, and it’s starting to depress me. I finally have an entire area devoted to crafts, and it sits there stagnant, calling out for attention. Cries which I must ignore.

5. I haven’t been into American Idol this year mostly because I keep forgetting it’s on. But some people at work were discussing it this morning in the break room, and suddenly I found myself in a pool to pick the winner. I’m supposed to pick a guy and a girl from the top 24 who I think will win, but unfortunately I don’t know a damn thing about any of them. I’m thinking about going by like “coolest name” or “best use of eye makeup” or something. If you’re a fan and have some tips on who to pick, help a girl out!

6.  I’m thinking about using my crock pot for the second time (since Christmas! I suck) this weekend to make chili. But I don’t have a good recipe. Anyone want to share theirs? My only rules are that it can’t be really hot (as in spicy), and it can’t be heavy on the beans because even though I love them, Brad doesn’t. We need a good compromise recipe.

That’s it. Hope you feel caught up.

Didn’t do much this weekend, but somehow it flew by anyway. My car rolled over to 10,000 miles, meaning I’ll never be in the four-digits again. I took pictures, of course, but they’re still chillin’ on the camera. I wanted to see Juno with my friend Robin Friday night, but I asked 10 minutes too late - she had just made other plans.

Instead Brad and I used a gift card to have dinner at Chili’s. We may never return. Our table was uncomfortable, the food was extremely disappointing, and we never got the lemon for our water that we asked for. After dinner, still hungry, we went to Coldstone for dessert. It wasn’t until we had already ordered our Love It with sweet cream, strawberries and raspberries that we saw the sign indicating that they were currently unable to accept debit, credit or gift cards. We had no cash. They gave it to us for free (well for the single dollar we scrounged up and put in their tip jar), but we felt so guilty that we ate it outside in the cold car rather than sit inside. It really was delicious though.

Also, while we waited for our crappy table at Chili’s, which is at the mall, we walked around the corner to Old Navy where I found five sweaters for 30 bucks. I wasn’t planning to shop, but since I wear the same three sweaters to work every week, and since they were only $6 each, I splurged. I’m wearing a yellow one today. It’s snazzy.

Saturday I had my online class. Only it wasn’t online. I had to get up early on a Saturday and sit in a computer lab for two hours while people asked idiotic questions. My online class last semester was pretty cakey, so I hoped for the same this time around. Yeah, no. This course has about five times the work, and I’m not happy about it.

I spent the rest of the day doing stuff around the house until Brad finally got up, and we went grocery shopping. We spent $100 and came home with basically nothing. How does that happen? We also finally took our Christmas tree down, so things are no longer festive around here. In celebration of the non-festivity, I did some homework. On a Saturday.

Sunday was much the same. Homework in the morning, baby shower for a cousin in the afternoon (where I won the Guess the Baby Food game!), homework in the evening. I tried again with Robin on the Juno thing, but she’s mean and ignored my calls all day long. Brad hung a Nerf basketball hoop in our living room and entertained himself with that for a couple hours. It’s really fun trying to read textbooks with a six-and-a-half-foot tall man slam-dunking on his imaginary opponent in the same room. He’s cute though so it’s okay.

I didn’t sleep well last night, but that’s pretty normal these days. We’re in the market for a solution to our bed problem. We could buy a new boxspring and mattress, but I’m a pay-with-cash kind of person, so we’d have to wait until we could save the money. Robin suggested putting some kind of mattress topper over our concrete slab, which I think might be a good temporary solution, but have yet to seriously look into it. Brad’s vote is to hold out for a whole new mattress set, but my vote is for getting a good night’s sleep before next year.