If you recall, I have pretty bad eating habits. I eat out way too much, rarely buy groceries, and when I do they usually end up in the trash a few weeks later. This mostly boils down to the fact that I do not like to cook. At all. Never have, doubt I ever will.

But awhile ago, in this meme, I mentioned that I might like to learn to prepare fish sometime (see #5). So recently I found what appeared to be a simple recipe for tilapia online and I went shopping. Our local grocers don’t carry fresh tilapia, so I bought frozen fillets instead. However I didn’t make them right away and they sat in the freezer for awhile because, oh yeah, I hate to cook. Finally this week though, I decided the time had come to try the fish recipe. And last night was the night.

A scene from my kitchen (WARNING: profanity, strong language):

B: How’s it going hon?
S: Great, everything looks good so far.
B: Need any help?
S: Nope, I’m all set, thanks!

15 minutes later

S: Why isn’t this fucking fish done yet? It said 15 minutes. FIFTEEN! And now it’s been almost 30 and it’s not done. What the hell? I thought I was getting a simple recipe, just follow the directions and everything will be fine, but noooo, now I have to guess. I can follow directions, but when I have to start guessing, I have no fucking clue. This is why I NEVER COOK!
B: Just calm down hon, it’s fi…
S: No it’s NOT fine! The recipe says about 15 minutes. Not TWICE that long. I can understand a few minutes give or take, but TWICE as long? Why even bother putting down an estimate? Just say something like ”Cook until just before it starts to burn.” God, I mean I picked this recipe because it looked simple, and this is just stupid.
B: Well you’re trying something new, next time you’ll know.
S: Oh no, there will not BE A NEXT TIME. For once I decide I’m going to try to make something and nothing works out and god is our fucking oven broken because twice as long do you realize that it’s been twice as long as the recipe suggested? I have better things to do with my life than stand around this kitchen waiting for my fish to be fucking opaque all the way through.
B: Maybe it’s because we had to use frozen fish.
S: It wasn’t. frozen. dear. I thawed it completely. And besides if there’s going to be such a huge difference between cooking fresh and frozen but thawed fillets, then it should say that right there in the recipe: For fresh fish cook fifteen minutes, for frozen cook TWICE AS FREAKING LONG!
B: Alright here, let me check it. [sticks fork into fillets and breaks them open]
S: Oh great, now it doesn’t look pretty anymore. It’s so stupid that you have to destroy the whole fillet just to see if it’s done. I wanted it to be pretty and oh look it’s STILL not done what the hell I hate fucking cooking this is why I never cook and I’m never cooking AGAIN. Ever.
B: Babe, it’s fine. This just happens, it doesn’t always work out perfect. And look I think it’s just about done.
S: Great, 15 minutes later, TWICE as long as it was supposed to take. And what perfect timing, just when my zucchini is all wilted and nasty.
B: You should have just eaten those earlier, you didn’t have to wait.
S: NO! I was trying to make a MEAL damn it, not mother fucking COURSES!

And that my friends is why I don’t cook. Looking back I can see how ricidulous I was, and actually at the time I knew it too. But man, I was steaming. I was about to throw the whole oven out the window and eat nothing but peanut butter and crackers the rest of my life. But, as I told him later when I had calmed down, Brad really talked me off the ledge about the whole thing. I was a raving lunatic and he never once laughed at me or said I was being ridiculous or told me that I was a raving lunatic.

And once it was thoroughly cooked, the fish was actually really good. Go me! And now that I know it takes TWICE as long as 15 minutes to cook, I may just try it again sometime.

Yeah probably not. Still hate cooking.