I'm so so so happy to report it went well. I was nervous. More than nervous. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep the night before, and I spent the morning a wad of jitters. I knew there was a chance she would say, I'm sorry, we can't find a heartbeat. And even though I knew chances were greater she'd say, everything looks great! I couldn't shake the nerves. Thank god Mike was able to come with me.

As soon as the tech put the ultrasound thingy (??) on my belly, she goes "There's the baby!" And it was in the uterus. A lot of people have asked me if I cried, but honestly I think I was numb. I was relieved and happy, but I think I had so well prepared myself to possibly receive bad news, that it took me awhile to fully react.

We couldn't see much with the external ultrasound, so she did an internal, too. We could see the heart flutter and we got to listen to the heartbeat twice. It was 126, which is good, and apparently to some indicates a boy. Who knows because right now it's genderless and about the size of a blueberry.

Ok I'm going to post an ultrasound picture. When I was at my worst, ultrasound pics were a bad trigger for me. So fair warning - click away if you have to.

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It was measuring 6w5d, which is exactly what I was, so I'm glad for that. Looks like there's just one in there, despite my niece's prediction I'm having twin boys. My due date is officially January 10, 2013. Sounds just about perfect to me.

Today I am 7 weeks, and it feels good to have made it this far. Lately I've been more nauseous though. And I can't tolerate any beverages. I drank so much water the first couple weeks, then suddenly I couldn't stand the idea of water passing my lips. So I switched to iced tea, and after a day I found it repulsive. Now I'm on gatorade, but that has just about run its course, too. I'm dehydrated and thirsty, but all beverages sound appalling. It's strange. But overall, I still feel really good and I'm so thankful for that!

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Today I am 6w4d. Today, in my last pregnancy, is the day I had the ultrasound and blood test that revealed a problem. It's the day my doctor called and told me the pregnancy was not viable. So getting through today would be a milestone. 

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus. This is very important, obviously. My hcg levels two weeks ago suggested everything was fine, but it may have been too early to tell. Tomorrow is a big day. 

So far my symptoms have been mild. I'm extremely thirsty, I occasionally get minor nausea, my boobs just recently started to be a little sore, and I pee a lot (which might have to do with how much more water I'm drinking). Mostly I'm exhausted. I've always been a chronically tired person, but this is on a new level - all I want to do is sleep. I still have some pain and pressure in my lower abdomen, but it has been less frequent. Sometimes when I stand up, I get sharp pains on the sides of my abdomen. At first I thought ovary issues, but my sister says it's ligaments that are stretching to accomodate a growing uterus. I like that explanation better. All in all, I feel good. Cautiously optimistic, as always.

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In other news, we've been attending foster care classes the last few weeks. We're really confused about where we are in the process because we haven't been assigned a social worker yet, so we just show up to class, take notes, and wonder what the hell is happening. Eventually we'll get a social worker and we can ask all our questions, and in the meantime the classes are free and full of good parenting information no matter what happens.

We also haven't closed the door on adoption. We let the agency know what was going on (the pregnancy, the foster classes), and we received a vague reply. Mostly I think they're concerned that we're simultaneously pursuing foster-to-adopt with another agency. I've kind of been stalling with them because regardless of the other things happening, we're hesitant to move forward with them. It has just been a strange experience so far, and they haven't instilled much confidence in us. Right now it's in a holding pattern until we decide what to do.

1. I got bad news and wasn't up for sharing it just yet.

2. I got good news and wasn't up for sharing it just yet.

You were right. And fortunately I'm able to report that it was good news keeping me quiet. I am thrilled to share this with you, but I am also hesitant for a couple reasons. First because I know many women out there who are struggling to become mothers and I don't want to be just another heartbreaking pregnancy announcement for them. I know how that hurts. And I also know how blessed I am to have this news to share, and I assure you I don't take it for granted for one second.

The other reason I hesitate is because it is still so new, so early and so very fragile. At this point in my last pregnancy I had only known I was pregnant for two days. And it was a couple days from this point that I started spotting. So I am by no means in the clear. In fact, I'm not even as far along as I was when things turned bad last time. I am all too aware of that. 

However, while I'm about half worried and not allowing myself to really celebrate, I'm also half thrilled. And overjoyed and so incredibly lucky. I spend half my time worrying about everything that could go wrong (every time I go to the bathroom, I hold my breath until I'm 100% sure there is no blood on the toilet paper!), and the other half of my time thanking god and whoever for this gift.

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I had intended to wait until I was definitely late before I took a pregnancy test. I didn't think I could survive a another negative test, so if I wasn't pregnant, I preferred to find out by getting my period. I had no idea when to expect my period, but my best guess was last Monday, so that whole day I was an anxious freak. By the time I went to bed I could barely breathe. I took a big fat sleeping pill, but I still couldn't sleep because I was a messy ball of anxiety. 

I decided I needed to know. It was better to just know, and I would deal with whatever it was. So at about 10:30pm I got up, peed in a cup, stuck the test strip* in and walked away. I forced myself to read in bed for a full five minutes before going back to the bathroom. I glanced at the strip from a distance and all I saw was one line, so my heart dropped. But I stepped closer and saw the second, fainter line and I fell to my knees.

Within the span of about 30 seconds I went from disbelief to excitement to fear. I walked into the bedroom and punched the bed to let out some of my overwhelming emotions. Mike was asleep and it was late, and I had nobody to share this with. I spent the next hour trying to manage my emotions, and eventually fell asleep. 

In the morning I dug out the one store-bought test I had** and used that. At that point I still didn't believe any of this was real, and I needed confirmation. Thank god I saw this:

I took that picture and texted it to Mike who replied with "Serious!??!" And then I sent it to my sisters and Mom.  

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So far things have been good. No spotting, though I have had some discomfort. In my lower abdomen I've had pressure, dull aches and some sharp pains. I've read that all of that can be normal, but every little thing is magnified for me right now. When I called and talked to a nurse about it, she said some pain and pressure is normal, but if it's persistent they want to know. I wouldn't yet call this persistent, but it's been more than just occasional. 

Last week I had two blood draws 48 hours apart, and thank god my hcg levels doubled (523 to 1195), and my progesterone looked good.

My usual OBGYN has been out of the office, so I've been struggling to get anyone at that office to understand how much I need to closely monitor this pregnancy. My doctor told me if I got pregnant again they'd keep a very close eye on it, but it took me awhile to get the stand-in doctor to schedule an early ultrasound. That'll happen next week.

My initial OB appointment, the first time I'll actually meet with a doctor, is scheduled for June 12. Which I realized later is my and Mike's two year anniversary. Hopefully we'll get good news that day.

Today, if you calculate from the first day of my last period, I'm 5w5d. According to a couple different online calculators, I'm due sometime in mid-January. That sounds just about perfect to me. Come on universe, let's make this happen!

*I have about 100 test strips my friend bought online and then gave to me when she was done with them. I got sick of spending ridiculous amounts of money on store-bought tests.
**I had been saving it for this occasion. 

Bought this necklace in a thrift store in Traverse City, MI. Green plastic beads? Yes, I will take them.

I just bought this dress, isn't it cute?

(Also, did you notice my crazy niece running around in that one?)

It's been a tough week. I was doing really well all month. I felt good. I didn't have to try to feel good or pretend to feel good, I just did, and it was wonderful. Then Thursday I found out a family friend is pregnant, and for some reason it erased all the progress I had made. All the counseling, all the yoga, all the positive affirmations. Down the drain. And as hard as I've tried to pull myself out of it, I've been really sad since Thursday.

That same friend, the one who recently revealed her pregnancy, was at my sister's graduation party this weekend. I spent the first couple hours avoiding her, and the next couple avoiding the topic when I talked to her. She deserves this happiness, I just didn't have the strength to celebrate with her, or to hear others celebrate with her. Fortunately I think she knew and respected this, and it didn't come up at all. When she was leaving, I hugged her and whispered congratulations. I meant it, too. But I'm ready to hear someone congratulate me already, damn it!

Like I said, tough week. I'm ready to catch a break. I mean we are trying EVERY option we can think of, we are wide open to the options, and yet nothing. I read this quote recently:

"If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."

And I feel like that's what we're doing. We're doing everything right, we're keeping an open mind, we're working our asses off every day toward our goal. As far as we can tell, we are living our lives in the rightest way we can, and karma just keeps fucking with us.

It's a bad night, and I just hope there's some good news soon.

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A few months ago my sister talked me into going to a hot yoga class with her. I had a feeling I might like yoga, I had a done a few videos before that I enjoyed. But hot yoga? Ninety-five degree, hot, sweaty yoga? Ew. I HATE sweating, so this sounded awful.

But I gave it a try and I loved it. It kicked my ass, and I've never sweated that much in my life, but it felt amazing. 

Then I had my psychic reading, and she suggested using dance or yoga to activate my root and sacral chackras. After a quick wikipedia search, I discovered those are the chakras in the body that correspond to things like the reproductive cycle and sexuality. Appropriate, yes?

I didn't really consider dance. I'm aware of the zumba craze sweeping the nation, but I had already discovered a liking for yoga, and that sounded better to me. So I reupped my efforts. I searched the city for a studio that offered beginner classes that worked with my schedule, but the only one I found had a long waiting list. Go figure.

So instead I've been cramming classes in where they don't really fit, and I'm back at the hot yoga studio even though it's the most expensive. I went to a beginner's workshop so I could actually learn what I was doing. Up till that point I had been going to power vinyasa classes and I could barely keep up, so this workshop demonstrated all the basics, and I found it extremly helpful.

Now I try to go at least once a week. I'd like to go more often, but the classes I want to take do not fit into my schedule - they're mostly during the day when I'm working in another city. But I also recently started a bootcamp that my colleague is teaching once a week at work. So yoga once a week, bootcamp once a week. That's the best I can do for now.

I like yoga because it feels good for my body, but also for my mind. I'm an emotional mess much of the time lately, and I need something to clear my head.

Here's the thing though. I kind of suck at yoga. I'm not nearly strong enough or flexible enough to do it well, but it makes me want to get better. So here are some goals I have for myself:

• Hold a side plank without the modification
• Hold a low plank without the modification
• Be able to hop to the front of my mat (it's such a simple thing, but currently I have to step to the top)
• Be able to smoothly go from down dog to warrior one (right now I can't quite get my leg to swing forward far enough in one smooth motion)
• Get into any sort of wheel pose (currently I can't even kind of do this one)

So anybody else into yoga? Any good tips for a newbie?

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Quick update: We went to a SNAP (Special Needs Adoption Program) training on Saturday. It was the first step toward getting licensed to do a foster to adopt situation. The next step is to do several sessions of PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information Development and Education) training and officially become licensed foster care providers. We start those next week, but because of the timing, won't finish until July. We will be assigned a social worker and go from there!

The results from my progesterone test "looked really good" which means I did indeed ovulate. Levels were at 24.57 for anyone who knows what that means. Still don't know if I'm pregnant this month, but I will say I have zero symptoms. Like, not even anything I can pretend is a symptom.

Still no word from the adoption agency we applied through. We are very frustrated and very discouraged. We have had several serious talks about what to do, whether or not we should pull out. No decisions yet.

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First, let me just tell you that I went to a psychic. Not everyone will agree with seeking out information about the future, and many will scoff at putting any stock in such things. But I remember watching an episode of one of the Kardashian shows (Don't judge - it's a guilty pleasure because their family relationships often remind me of mine. Similarities end there.), and Kourtney and Kim spoke to a psychic. He asked if someone in their family was trying to get pregnant, they said that Khloe was, and he looked at them and said "It will happen for her." And I felt this enormous sense of relief on her behalf. And I thought maybe I can put my mind at ease by hearing the same thing.

My thinking was if a psychic told me "no you won't conceive" I could wallow, then accept it and focus my energy on the other options. Right now my energy is so divided, it's exhausting. I'd leave the possibility of conception on the table, of course, but I could move some of my efforts around. And if they told me "yes you will conceive" it would give me hope. Yes it could all be bullshit, but either way, I felt like I could do something useful with the information.

Anyway, I don't share any of this to attract judgement, and maybe someday I'll share more about my psychic experience, but not right now. I share all of this to tell you that the psychic said I would conceive, but that I had energy blocks in the reproductive parts of my body. She recommended three things: 

1) Meditation
2) Yoga or dance
3) Energy balancing, aka reiki

I'll address the first two later, but today is about the reiki. I first heard about reiki awhile ago and was intrigued, so when it was recommended to unblock the energy in my girl parts, I was all in.

If you're not familiar, I do a terrible job explaining what reiki is. I've tried to tell several people what the heck I was doing, and I don't think anyone really understood. If you're interested, here's what Wikipedia says about it.

So I found a holistic healing place in my area, set up an appointment, and soon I was laying on a table with a woman's hands on my ovaries. I'm going to be honest, I don't know exactly what happened. I still don't think I completely understand what the hell reiki is. But let me describe the session for anyone interested.

My Reiki Session

She asked me a little about my situation, then had me lay face up on what was essentially a massage table. Very comfy. She put one hand on the back of my neck and one on my forehead, and held it there for less than a minute. At first she was very chatty, like distractingly so. But eventually she turned silent and didn't speak until the end. She moved down to my side, placing one hand under my kidney and the other approximately over my ovary. And she just sat there. Forever. I lost all concept of time, but I'd guess it was a good 15 minutes. Eventually she held her hands on my abdomen for a few minutes, then moved to my other side and repeated the whole thing. Finally, she moved back to my head where she placed her hands on my forehead, neck and temples. She told me she is also an aromatherapist, and she put geranium scent on my chest and sage on my belly. I smelled very yummy!

After all this, she poured me some water and acted like we were done. Um, lady, what the hell was that? I mean can you at least tell me something... like what did you feel, what did you do, what do I do now? I don't think she was prepared for a newbie like me. She said the energy over my ovaries was "like popcorn" and the energy over my uterus was "fluttery." But I don't know what that means or what to do with any of it.

I tried to ask several times, but she was a conversational wanderer, and after about 15 minutes of trying to steer her back from her explanations of mandalas, I figured that was the best I was going to get.

So I'm not really sure how helpful the actual energy healing part of the session was, but something else really great came out of it.

My Vision

While I was laying on the table, I was having a terrible time relaxing my mind. This is always a problem for me (which is how we got on mandalas - she was telling me about coloring meditation). So eventually, with no prompting from her or anyone else (like my counselor), I decided to try a visualization exercise. I just made this up on the spot, but I imagine it's an actual therapeutic technique. Maybe.

Anyway, I visualized the entire process of having a baby. I didn't try to visualize adoption or any other method of becoming a mother because the reiki was working on conception issues, not adoption issues.

I pictured getting a positive pregnancy test. I pictured telling Mike, my family, my friends. I pictured taking "belly pictures" and getting huge. I visualized being extremely pregnant at Christmas parties (because I'm hoping to get pregnant this month, making me about 8 months pregnant in December). I pictured rushing to the hospital, and being surrounded by my mom and sisters and Mike in the delivery room. And finally I visualized having my baby placed on my chest.

And here's the mind-blowing part. It was a boy. I have always thought my first child would be a girl. The needle test always says so, my sisters and I always talk about it like it's a fact, Mike and I talk more about girl names than boy names, assuming that would be more pressing. But in this vision, when I tried to completely let my mind go, it was a boy. 

Blew. My. Fucking. Mind.

Of course I don't know if this means anything. My premonitions usually don't. But get this. A few nights later, Mike had his first baby dream. He has never had a dream about us having a baby before, while I've had several. And in his dream?

Boy.

So who knows. Maybe this time it'll all mean something.

In conclusion, I found reiki to be an extremely relaxing and meditative experience. I'm not exactly sure what happened with my energies, but I'm really glad I tried it.

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Update: I had a blood test on Friday to determine if I actually ovulated. A positive on an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) does not guarantee ovulation, so this blood test looks for an increase in progesterone. It's common on Clomid. I called today, but the results are not in. No word from the adoption agency since I last posted. I was told to expect a phone call a couple weeks ago, and it has not come. I sent a message that has still not been responded to. We have our foster care class on Saturday, and I'm so so so excited to learn more about this option. 

As usual, good thoughts, prayers and crossed fingers are appreciated!

Necklace from my sister:

Necklace from another sister: