Nesting is done but nothing is happenin

Yesterday I cashed in a gift certificate I had gotten for my birthday and got a maternity massage. You may have picked up on the fact that I'm starting to get a little anxious about everything, and I thought that would help me relax. Indeed, it was pretty amazing. 

The place was a small one-woman operation, and I was a little unsure at first. But it turned out to be the best massage I've ever had (I've only had a few, but still...). I don't know if it's because it was a maternity massage or if this is just her technique, but instead of just laying there for 60 minutes trying to relax, she had me actively participating. She taught me a specific breathing technique and reminded me frequently to employ it. She also reminded me often to intentionally release or relax parts of my body, and even asked me to occasionally make guttural noises to release tension. It was bizarre, but by the end, I was a rag doll. I wish I could go there every day!

39 weeks, 2 days

The last couple days I've been wondering if my baby somehow turned breech. For the last several months, I've always felt the baby's hiccups way down low on my belly, a good indication that it was head down. And at my doctor's appointment on Friday, she confirmed it was still in that position. But that night, sitting in bed, I felt hiccups way up high on my belly, almost to my chest. This was very different than usual, and I've experienced the same thing a couple more times this weekend. I tried belly mapping, where you draw out where you feel kicks, movements, lumps, etc. But I can't make sense of any of it.

My doula thinks she can palpate my belly to determine position, but she has the flu right now! I just hope she's feeling better before I go into labor, breech or not.

I've been meaning to show you how my coat fits these days. I haven't been able to zip it all winter. Too bad the one time I remembered to take a picture, I'm wearing brown on black and you can't really see. "Fat man in a little coat..."

Now that my due date is drawing near, everyone is getting pretty impatient. I get asked all the time if anything is happening yet. I don't mind these inquiries at all, it reminds me that people are as excited and eager as me. But I have to remind myself that I haven't even gotten to my due date yet. Not to mention the majority of first babies are born after 40 weeks. Not to mention I know when I conceived, and it was actually a few days later than the standard formula suggests. In other words, I've got plenty of time. That doesn't change the fact that every day, every minute, I wonder if this is when my birth story will begin.

I know nothing really means anything, but I've been nesting for about three weeks now. In fact, I can't nest anymore. We're out of stuff to do! Isn't that supposed to mean something? Nesting equals imminent labor? Shouldn't my brain be telling my body it's good to go? So far my body's like, whatever, chill out, not happening.

It is getting a little cramped in my belly though. Cramped, not crampy. The baby is so far up my ribs, it hurts to be in any position other than fully stretched out. 

Want to see something interesting? Well, interesting to me, probably not to you.

The top picture is my belly normally. The bottom is during a Braxton Hicks contraction. Can you see the difference? It tightens up and becomes more pointy. Not to mention rock hard.

I'll be 40 weeks on Thursday! If I make it till then. Which, I'm pretty sure I will...

Week 39

First of all, thank you to everyone who shared their birth stories with me. It was truly helpful. Of course, nobody said their experience was fun and painless, which I was disappointed about, but there were many stories that sounded at least tolerable. It reminded me that I CAN do this, and I needed that reminder. So thank you. 

Here's my 39 week photo:

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WEEK 39: Size of a Small Watermelon

Turns out it's difficult to find a watermelon this time of year in Michigan. So we had to repeat the mini-watermelon that we used three weeks ago in place of a crenshaw melon. I know, confusing. I suspect that a "small watermelon" is actually meant to be larger than this, but you do what you can for produce in a midwest winter.

I had my 39 week appointment today and it went well. On my way there I had this flash of the woman I read about who went in for a late term appointment and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had felt the baby move earlier in the day, but wasn't feeling anything as I drove, and I tried not to jump to extreme conclusions. But when it took the doctor a couple tries (meaning she moved the doppler to a few different areas of my belly) to find a heartbeat, I couldn't help but panic for a few seconds. But then there it was, that beautiful, beautiful sound. I had a braxton hicks contraction while we were listening, and the baby's heart rate increased, which is a good thing. It means, according to my doctor, that the baby is responding to its environment, and that the placenta is still plenty sufficient to do its job. The resting rate was 160bpm, which has basically been this baby's MO the whole time.

Mike isn't able to come to all my appointments, but he made it to this one. And just in case this ends up being the last appointment, he was glad to hear that heartbeat one more time.

Just before heading out to my appointment.

Doctor confirmed the baby is still head down, and when she offered a cervical check, I took her up on it. I know it really means nothing, but I have had NO signs of anything happening, so I was hoping there might be some indication that yes, indeed I am approaching my due date. 

I told my sister yesterday that if I knew nothing about gestational length, I'd could easily be convinced that I have three more months. I feel pretty much exactly the same as I did a month ago. There's just...nothing happening. At least not noticeably.

Anyway, I'm not dilated at all, but I'm 70% effaced, so something is happening. And if you're not familiar with how this works (I wasn't until I got pregnant!), a woman can easily go from 0 to 5 cm in mere hours. And she is just as likely to walk around at 2 cm dilated for weeks. These beginning stages indicate your body is getting ready, but it's pretty meaningless until active labor starts. 

Still obsessed with me. Also, I do have a second cat. He's just not very interested in me lately.

Last night, shortly after I finally fell asleep (after about four hours of laying in bed playing solitaire on my phone and reading a journal I kept during high school), I woke up with an intense pain on the side of my lower back. It was awful, and I thought, oh shit is this back labor? Because if it is, I'm so screwed. There's no way I would have been able to tolerate that sensation for hours on end. Luckily it lasted about 10 minutes then went away, so definitely not labor. But it really has me doubting my pain tolerance!

To counteract that, I've been reading some birth affirmations and finding inspiration in the birth stories you all shared. I CAN tolerate this kind of pain! And if I can't, I will ask for relief. When I had that brief flash of an absent heartbeat, I reminded myself that none of this matters. The pain doesn't matter, the medical interventions don't matter, the name we choose doesn't matter, none of it matters. As long as we come out the other end with a healthy baby and a healthy mama. 

Cheers to that!

Winding down, getting nervous

Still sitting pretty. I'll be 39 weeks tomorrow. I went into the office today for the first time in nearly two weeks (holidays, vacation days, work from home days...) and made some order out of things there. Left it in a way that I won't have to worry about if I happen to not go back. I've been nesting at home for several weeks now, but there was always my messy messy office to worry about. Now that that's done, maybe my body will sense that I'm ready. Of course, it could still easily be another three weeks. I'm torn about my preference.

On the one hand, the later the better:

1. That would mean less time I have to find temporary daycare before our permanent solution is available.
2. I get more time to relax in the final days as a non-parent.
3. I'm still feeling quite comfortable. I'm getting less and less sleep each night, and my pelvis and sciatica and rib are quite painful. But overall, I still can't really complain.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be terribly upset if this happened soon:

1. I'm mentally checked out of work, but I don't want to start leave before the baby comes. Getting through 2-3 more weeks of work would be tough at this point.
2. I'm starting to get nervous. The longer I have to wait knowing it could be any second, the more anxious I get. I don't need to work myself up over this for the next couple weeks!

38 weeks, 1 day

Speaking of getting nervous, all of a sudden I'm doubting my ability to do this. Lately I've heard nothing but unpleasant birth stories. Not that any experience is expected to be enjoyable, but there seems to be something going on lately. All the recent births I know of have involved really long and difficult labors. If you have a "good" first baby birth story, please share. I need to counteract some of the scary stories!

I don't even look pregnant from the front.

Oh there it is! 38 weeks, 2 days

A lot of people have said to me that there is no shame in getting an epidural (or other medical relief), and that nobody expects me to be a hero. Which, I'm learning, is why most people think I'm not going in with an automatic request for an epidural. But I assure you, I have no delusions that one way of giving birth is any better or more impressive or honorable than any other. It has never been about shame or weakness for me. 

My ultimate objective has never been to have a natural birth. My primary goal is a safe and healthy birth. In close second is to have a birth experience I feel good about. I know a lot of women end up regretting this or that, and a lot of times that boils down to feeling out of control or misinformed. My goal is to make educated choices that are right for me.

In theory, I don't like the idea of being tied down by or hooked up to anything, be it an IV, an epidural, a fetal monitor. It makes me feel claustrophobic and panicky just thinking about it. Those things, I imagine, can drastically change the birth experience. But at some point, the desire for pain relief may totally trump my issues with being tied down and hooked up, and that's fine. I will feel no shame if I find myself begging for the drugs. And either way, I'll be birthing a baby, and that makes me a hero in my book!

38 weeks, 4 days

We spent New Year's Eve at my dad's. It was a Christmas/NYE celebration, and I laughed so hard all night, I thought I might laugh myself into labor. Alas, no New Year baby for me. I heard this morning that the first baby in my city was born at 12:04 after a mere two hours of labor. Her first contractions started at 10pm! The baby's name is Shakira, which, yeah.

Belly present

Totally chillin'

I was using the coffee table as a foot rest, so my lap had to serve as the snack tray.

And just to wrap this up, here's where we parked the other day at the library:

Actually, we had just dropped some books off at the drive-thru drop box, but we needed to look up directions to our next destination, so Mike swung into the nearest spot. For a second he felt guilty, even though we'd only be there a few minutes, but then he realized it was totally legit. Not only am I expectant mother, but Mike is a senior citizen... or at least acts like one!

I've only gotten to use the expectant mother parking once (the time Mike swore up a storm, the post about which I now can't find). Every other time they've either been full or nonexistent.

38 weeks, 6 days

That is me today. I've gotten increasingly bad at taking mirror self-portraits. Please ignore my face.

A year in review: 2012

I tried to write a blog post that was just a narrative reflection on the past year, but it wasn't going well. I didn't know how to write about all the blessings I've had while respecting all the tragedy that has surrounded them. So instead, I'm ressurecting this ol' meme that has been around, in some form, for years. In fact, I did the same one last year when life was drastically different. I haven't even read the questions yet, but inevitably many will be pregnancy related, so I apologize in advance. But I did spend nine months of the year in that state, afterall, and it is definitely the biggest thing that happened this year.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Got pregnant. Twice. Technically I got pregnant the first time in December 2011, but I didn't know it until January, and January is when all the drama took place. If you haven't read about the ectopic pregnancy, feel free to check out this series. The second pregnancy came a couple months later (thank you, body, for responding so well to Clomid), and I'm nearing the end of that one now.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

As usual, I didn't make any resolutions. But my unofficial goal for the year was to find a way to become a mother. Through dedication and lots of luck...mission: accomplished. Baby Z-M to arrive any day now! Actually I'm hoping for a 2013 birth, but at this point in my pregnancy, I'm pretty much a mother anyway right?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Sadly, yes. My best friend, Robin, gave birth to her son, Miles, several months too early. He was supposed to be a January 2013 baby, too, but he made his arrival in September. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Sadly, yes. Miles only lived a few days. It is truly one of the most tragic things I've ever been a part of. If you haven't already, please read Robin's story. 

5. What countries did you visit?

None! It was a sad year for international travel. But through work I did manage to get to Boston, Chicago, Washington DC, and Las Vegas. 

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you didn’t have in 2012?

This baby. Unless it happens to come in the next day and a half, which I've asked it politely not to. I'd also like a little more financial security, which sounds ridiculous when we're about to have a baby. But after the mishap with buying this house, we haven't fully recovered, and I'd like to get back to where we were or better. This might mean higher paying jobs for Mike and myself, or maybe it will come another way. Doesn't matter, I'd just like to stop feeling like we're living paycheck to paycheck.

7. What dates from 2012 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

January 11 - Found out I was pregnant
January 19 - Found out the pregnancy was ectopic
May 6 - Found out I was pregnant again
September 13 - Robin delivered Miles at less than 24 weeks
September 17 - Miles passed away 

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Staying close to Robin. This situation could have so easily broken us, destroyed our friendship. Imagine losing your child tragically, and your best friend, who is supposed to be one of your biggest supporters, is still pregnant and due five days after your baby was due. How could you even look at her? But we've been friends for a long time, and we both knew that even though it was going to be hard, we couldn't lose that. I think a lot of people have distanced themselves from her, and I'm proud to say that we've only gotten closer. The real credit goes to her though. She's found a way to be happy for me and keep me in her life even though I'm her biggest reminder of what she lost. I know to an outsider that may seem obvious. Yes she's sad, but she can still be happy for me right? But this whole thing is so much more complicated and difficult and heartbreaking than most people realize. I'm proud of us for navigating it this well so far.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Accidentally picking out mint green for the walls in one of our bedrooms. (Honestly, I couldn't think of a major failure, which is comforting.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ectopic pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our house! We bought our first home in August, and even though it's a lot of work, we love it. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My bestie Robin (see above). Mike, who has been a gold star husband during my pregnancy. And the rest of my friends and family who continue to exude awesomeness.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

So many people in the world whose behavior I just cannot understand. How can there be so much human kindness in the same world as so much deplorable evil?

14. Where did most of your money go?

Buying a house. Medical bills. And the usual car payments, student loan payments, blah blah.

15. What did you get really excited about?

Do I even need to answer this?

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

I never know how to answer music-related questions.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Happier
Fatter (in this case, a good thing)
Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleep. I've slept horribly all year, and it's really starting to catch up with me.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Painting. Actually, Mike did about 80% of the painting once it became too uncomfortable for me. But my god, painting is such a pain. All the HGTV shows lead you to believe changing a wall color is a simple fix, but I'm here to tell you, it sucks.

20. How will you spend Christmas?

We've been to several parties already, and our last one is tomorrow, New Year's Eve. It's becoming a tradition to celebrate Christmas at my dad's on the 31st, then hang out to ring in the new year together.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?

Yes, with this baby. And with this house.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I can't say that I have one. I mostly enjoyed sitcomes this year, like New Girl, Happy Endings, The Mindy Project, Parks and Rec, and How I Met Your Mother (though that show needs to get to the point already).

23. What was the best book you read?

I keep track of my reading on goodreads, and I just counted 74 books read in 2012, plus the two I'm in the middle of now. Many of those were baby or pregnancy related, but of those that weren't, here are some titles I enjoyed the most:

Shades of Grey by Jasper Fforde (no, not 50 Shades of Grey)
When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese 

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I got nothing.

25. What did you want and get?

This is feeling repetitive, but obviously it was to become a mother. I'm days away from birthing my first child.

26. What did you want and not get?

Last year I answered this with "to become a mother" so that's a pretty stark difference from this year. How fortunate I am. What I wanted this year and didn't get was the option to slow down. Life went crazy there for awhile, and I feel like I missed some things for the busyness.

27. What was your favorite film of 2012?

I never remember what movies I've watched over the last year, but since we just saw Django Unchained a couple nights ago and I really enjoyed it, I'll go with that.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32 on December 8. We went to my brother-in-law's graduation, then out for a celebratory lunch. I took a birthday nap, then we went to dinner and a movie. We ended the day with a birthday brownie, and it all seemed pretty perfect.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If Robin and I could have lived out the scenario that was supposed to happen. We were supposed to be pregnant together, have babies together, raise our kids together. I still cry when I think about how unfair it is that that was robbed from us. 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2012?

Whatever fits! I only bought about $100 worth of maternity clothes, all secondhand or on clearance. And supplemented that with whatever hand-me-downs were given me. It worked out fine, though I'm just about sick of the two pairs of jeans I've been rotating since September!

31. What kept you sane?

I'm just going to repeat exactly what I said last year: My sisters, my mom, my friend Robin, my husband, my blogs, and books. Although I might have to move Mike to the top of that list. It is in no particular order otherwise, but Mike has been so good to me that he deserves a special shout out.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

I don't even want to talk about it. It's all social issues, civil rights, etc. And it's all so core to who I am, that I can't talk about it without getting riled up. I couldn't just say a sentence or two, and this isn't exactly a political blog, so I'll pass on this one. 

33. Who did you miss?

Even though I see my siblings and their kids pretty often, it never seems like enough.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

Life really isn't fair. I've always known it, but watching my best friend suffer in such a horrible way while others who don't want (or dare I say deserve?) healthy pregnancies get her dream, it really made clear the inequity of life. I have also watched others close to me suffer their own hardships, and it's all just so unfair.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Stupid song questions. I hate to end on a non-answer, but I really don't know.

Week 38

Here I am, within totally normal range of giving birth. I'm not having any signs of anything, but that means exactly nothing. I'm a little uneasy about the idea of having this baby in the next week. I guess in my mind, even though I knew it was entirely possible to go early, I was going to make it to my due date or beyond. I never really got comfortable with the idea of having a baby early, certainly not two weeks early! But I'm just sitting tight, until there's a reason not to, hoping to see January as a pregnant lady!

Yesterday I was 38 weeks:

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WEEK 38: Size of a Leek

I almost blurred out my face because I think I look sickly. But that's what happens when you no longer get any sleep and then don't put on makeup. Just keeping it real.

I had my 38 week appointment today. All is well and I'm so thankful. I just read about a dear woman who went for a 36 week appointment and there was no heartbeat. I'm constantly reminded how fortunate I am. When the doctor put the doppler on my belly, the heartbeat was fast, like 170bpm. She, the doctor, had just been feeling around for positioning, so the baby must have gotten excited. A few seconds later, it slowed down to closer to 150. So for fun (and I suppose to be sure that was, indeed, why the heartbeat was fluctuating), she prodded my belly a little more and sure enough, baby got excited. Heartbeat went up, then back down. It's fun to think that every time I nudge the little one, it responds. And I nudge it a lot, especially when it's lodged in my ribs.

So we enjoyed our last Christmas without kids. Mike got me this ornament:

I got him a mini chef's hat and apron. Figured we can take some adorable pictures of the baby taking after its dad. 

And for those of you interested in the cat, yep, we're still doing this every day: