You guys, it's a boy.
I'm still reeling from that information! More importantly though, he's completely healthy! Here's how it went down. We requested to find out the sex at the end of the ultrasound because we wanted to focus on the health of the baby first. As she moved around his little body, looking at all his organs and stating that everything looked great, I became more relaxed and more able to breathe and enjoy the moment. His heart, brain, stomach, kidneys, spine, nose and mouth all look good. His limbs are all accounted for. He is measuring 5 days big but not enough to change the due date. His legs are measuring even bigger than 5 days, so he might be tall like his dad. The ultrasound tech was able to tell us a great deal of information, and then the doctor confirmed everything when we met with her immediately after. It was such an amazing high to get great news after all my worrying the past 20 weeks.
While she was buzzing around, I really thought I saw the three telltale little lines of a girl. It confirmed my suspicions about the sex and I figured I was just waiting for the tech to make it official. After we looked at the rest of the anatomy, she asked if we were ready to find out the sex. She moved down to that area and paused for a second. Long enough for my eyes to widen and for me to exclaim, "Is that a boy?!" Yep, it sure is.
It has been five days and I'm still adjusting to this information. Until that moment, I didn't realize just how much I was planning on it being a girl. Someone, in hearing my reaction, asked if I was disappointed. No, absolutely not. That is not the emotion I'm feeling at all. It's more like bewilderment.
For several years now, before Mo was even born, I imagined myself with two girls. Sisters. It's the vision I had for my family. Even though I knew there was a 50% chance it was a boy, that didn't match my vision and my hunch that I'd have two girls. So this is like adjusting my entire future, or my picture of my entire future at least. It's taking me a minute.
A boy is exciting. I know lots of little boys that I adore - nephews and friends' kids. I can't yet picture myself with a boy, but I love this kid already. It's sounds strange to say "my son" but I'm excited to meet him!
One thing that surprised me, however, is the way this changed my concerns for Mo. I know that most mothers feel a level of guilt when number two is on the way, about how it will affect their first, about the decrease in attention that will inevitably occur. I assumed that would all come as the due date grew closer, I anticipated it. But when I thought it was a girl, I mostly felt like I was giving Mo an amazing gift. A best friend, a playmate, a partner. My sisters were and are all those things to me, and I was excited to be able to do that for Mo.
A boy though. What does that mean for her? I know it may be irrational, but I suddenly have this fear that some people will favor him over her. I can't really identify exactly who I'm worried will do this (more proof it's irrational) but it's just there, looming over me.
I also worry about how this changes our larger family's dynamic. It now means there will be 5 grandsons and 3 granddaughters. My siblings all say they're done having kids, so unless that changes or unless I decide to brave a third, this baby is the last in the family. The other day at a family picnic, three of the boys, ranging in age from 2 to 11 immediately gravitated to each other while Mo played solo on the playground. She was not bothered by this at all, but what happens in 5 years? There will be a 16 year old boy (ok he'll probably lose interest in his younger cousins by then), a 10 year old boy, a 7 year old boy, and two 5 year old boys. And there will be a 18 year old girl (definitely not interested in her younger cousins!), a 10 year old girl (who can only come to about half the family events because of joint custody), and Mo, a 7 yeard old girl.
If you didn't follow that, basically, much of the time there will be a gang of four boys and little Mo on her own. Yes, she can theoretically play with the boys. I don't encourage gender separation, but it tends to happen. And I picture my sweet girl playing all by herself, left out by the boys, and it breaks my heart. I just want to swoop her up and protect her and tell her that she'll always be my best girl and let's just forget everyone else!
I didn't mean to turn this post about my baby boy into a post about my girl. Sorry buddy. Don't worry, mama loves you and I'm excited to bring a little boy into our family!
Now I need to get some boy clothes because the majority of the massive wardrobe Mo has accumulated through hand-me-downs probably won't work for a boy. We also need to figure out a name, which is not nearly as daunting now that we've eliminated all girl names. And we need to decide on circumcision. (I'll save that loaded topic for another day!) Even though this news took my by surprise, I'm eager to get started on planning the many things I put off until we knew the sex. I feel like, for the first time, I can actually celebrate this pregnancy a little bit instead of being consumed by worry.
Thanks for that gift, son!