I'm feeling defeated today. I think I'm just hitting a wall and running out of steam to keep up the pace I've been going, but unfortunately there is no break in the foreseeable future. Today I met with the diabetes physician (by the way, I FINALLY got my testing supplies after three weeks and about 30 phone calls!), and while my numbers are not terrible, my fasting (first thing in the morning) numbers are hovering around acceptable, often slightly elevated. She didn't suggest insulin yet, but unless there is a significant change in a week, insulin it is. It's really not a big deal. I don't love the idea of giving myself a daily shot, but I'll do it.
However, it just feels like another thing in a series of things.
This whole pregnancy has been harder than my pregnancy with Mo. I used to wonder if I wanted three kids or if I'd stop at two. I loved my pregnancy with Mo - it wasn't all bliss, but after she was born, I immediately missed being pregnant and was eager to do it again. I thought, "I could do that again, and maybe again after that!"
But this time is different. I spent the first few months in constant fear because it was on the heels of my second pregnancy loss, and everything felt incredibly vulnerable. I also had the hematoma, which was not really concerning, but left me feeling anxious all the time because at any moment I could start bleeding.
I was sick with Mo for 14 weeks, and it was the same this time. But whereas with Mo I could come home from work and go directly to bed, this time I had to function until her bedtime before I could really rest. I also had quite a bit of pain in my hips for a long time, making it difficult to sleep or even move around really.
When I finally got some reassurance at the 20 week ultrasound, I thought I might also get some energy and enthusiasm back. But I never got a second trimester surge of energy, I was always exhausted and felt beat down and overwhelmed by life.
Then the gestational diabetes diagnosis. It came at a very stressful time at work and it was all almost more than I could handle. I've finally started to adjust to the diet and the finger pricking, and I thought maybe I could pause a moment and actually enjoy this pregnancy. Instead, I will start insulin soon and have a whole new emotional and physical hurdle to overcome.
I have so many appointments lately that it's really dificult to get done at work what needs to get done. I have a big deadline coming up, and I've had less time to work on it than I need. I try to focus on my wonderful fortune and on the baby growing inside me, but it has felt impossible to clear my head enough to do so.
Of course I realize that many women have far worse luck than me, far greater struggles. I don't mean to minimize any of that.
My point is that I think maybe the universe is making it easy for me to decide to stop at two kids. I may get to the end of this pregnancy and wish to do it again but not because I loved it in the way I did the first, but because I'll want a do over. Really though, I think I'm getting too old for this. At this point, I can't imagine having another pregnancy when I'm in my mid to late 30s, while taking care of two other children, while maintaining a full-time and successful career, and while probably having even more complications than this time.
I don't want to say I'm done because who knows. But maybe this is all meant to tell me that I'm lucky to have my incredible daughter and my son on the way, and that's enough.