I had an appointment with an OB last Friday. They did an ultrasound in the office, and very quickly confirmed it was a miscarriage. The baby had not grown at all and there was still no heartbeat. I cried. I didn't think I would, I thought I was expecting it, I thought I had already processed this enough. But there came the tears. My sister was with me and she cried, too. It was finally final, and that hurt.
The doctor explained my options: take a pill to induce miscarriage, have a D&C, or wait until my body took care of it. The OB I saw was pretty obviously opposed to the pill. She stated frankly that she had seen too many people end up in the ER from the pill, so I quickly ruled that out. I spent the weekend debating the other options. It was such a hard decision. I wanted there to be a third choice: go back in time and make none of this real. How could I choose between one terrible option and another?
In the end, I played a game with myself. I pretended that I had no choice and that I had to wait for my body to do it, and I realized I felt scared and anxious. Then I pretended I had no choice and had to have the D&C, and I realized I felt a kind of relief. I decided to listen to my gut. On Monday I called to schedule the procedure.
Unfortunately, not even that could be simple. I was scheduled for Wednesday, and the doctor doing surgeries that day had a different opinion about the pill than the one I saw Friday. The nurse told me her instructions were to take the pill the night before and morning of the procedure to facilitate the process. I said I was not comfortable with that, so the nurse was going to talk to the doctor and see if I could decline. I knew that if she said no, I would need to reschedule with a different doctor. I chose the D&C to avoid the pill, to avoid excessive pain and other unpleasantness. Now I'm instructed to take it anyway?
I didn't get an answer until 4:45 Tuesday. The nurse said the doctor "Would like me to take the pill blah blah, but she would respect my decision if I declined." I declined.
I won't go into details about the procedure. But I'll say this: it was even less of a big deal than I had been told. The worst part was by far the IV. I hadn't even considered the IV. I used to be terrified of needles, but I've had so many pokes in the last few years, it didn't worry me. But I wasn't allowed to drink for 10 hours before, so I was very dehydrated. It took four attempts, three different people, and about 30 minutes to successfully place an IV. I was holding it together just fine until the IV debacle. That made me nauseous, light headed, teary. I was overwhelmed by everything happening - people kept coming in to introduce themselves, explain their role, ask me questions, all while I'm trying not to have a break down.
Eventually Trevor, the nurse anesthetist, got an IV in. He became my hero. He was so kind, he treated me like a person going through something real, and he was genuine. I was thankful for Trevor. I was grateful he'd be in the OR with me.
Shortly after they got the IV in, they were rolling me down the hall. In the OR, I thought there would be some fanfare. Some sort of, "We're getting ready to get started Shannon. We're going to start the anesthesia and you'll fall asleep quickly." But I was in there about one minute while the medical staff carried on small talk about Trevor's kids and I counted the lights on the ceiling, and one second later I was waking up in the post-op room. It was like nothing. I couldn't believe how nothing it was.
I'm glad it's over. I took the rest of the week off to recover physically and emotionally. I need this time off, this time away. I know it will take more than a few days to move on from this. I know I'll never forget, it will always be part of my story. But I'm ready to accept what happened and start to heal.
Regarding the physical part, I had so many questions and concerns about a D&C. I won't be detailed here, but if you're reading and you're wondering what to expect, please feel free to contact me. I'll share all the details. If you're contemplating or facing a D&C, I think it'll help to know what to expect. And if you need someone to ask, I'm here with an answer.