Inner turmoil...I guess
Thursday, August 9, 2012 at 09:11PM Today in a work meeting, we were doing some future planning, and I was obligated to mention that I'd be on maternity leave in January/February. There was one woman, about my age, in the meeting who didn't know I was pregnant, and I happened to catch her eye after my mention. She gave me that look, you guys. That look I used to give pregnant women who made these nonchalant announcements. That fake half smile and the look in the eyes that says, "you have no idea how lucky you are."
It was not the time or place to say anything more, but I wish I could have plead with her. No, I DO know how lucky I am! I didn't get here easily, please understand! In fact, I often wish I could walk around with a sign saying as much. Not to garner sympathy, but just so nobody ever thinks I take this pregnancy for granted for one second.
I recently realized I'm carrying around a lot of guilt about this whole thing. Like why would I be so lucky to finally be pregnant when so many other women aren't or can't or never will be? I think that's something I need to work through.
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My sister asked me today if I feel a bond with my baby yet, and the answer is no. I feel beyond blessed to be pregnant, but as for the actual creature in there, I don't feel a real connection yet. Maybe it's because I feel chubby instead of pregnant. I'm no longer sick, and I've only felt the baby move a few times, and even then it doesn't feel like much yet. I've heard the heartbeat, but only twice and only for a few seconds. I'm sure as the pregnancy becomes more obvious, the bond will grow. But I also think part of me is hesitant to really get attached yet. I'm not pessimistic about what might happen, but I'm resisting getting hooked on this little guy (or gal).
Honestly, I might just live in denial until that child is in my arms!
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When we were struggling to conceive and/or adopt, many (MANY!) people told me that when it happened, I would appreciate even more. And yeah, that's definitely true. Had I gotten what I wanted immediately, I would have been happy, but I wouldn't have known just how lucky I was. Now I know, and that appreciation is valuable.
And some people say they are thankful for their hardships because the struggles have taught them things and made them stronger. But I'm just not there yet. I'm not at all thankful for what I went through to get this close to having a child. Not yet at least.
If I could back in time and choose my path -- either learn these lessons the hard way and appreciate my pregnancy more, or have it easy and miss out on that kind of appreciation -- I'd choose B. What I've learned and what I can now appreciate do not make up for how hopeless I felt at times over the last year and half.
In retrospect, 14 months of trying to conceive, a couple rounds of Clomid and an ectopic pregnancy don't seem that bad when compared to what so many women go through. But the thing is, when you're in the middle of it, you have no idea you're in the middle. You don't know if you're nearing the end or if you're still just at the beginning, and the weight of that is overwhelming. If I would have known at any given point, "you only have to get through 8, 5, 2 more months of this," I could have done it like a champ. But the unknown, the possibility of never... that makes it a whole different battle.
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These are all things I've been mulling over a lot for weeks (months?), and I needed to get it all down. At my most recent OB appointment, my doctor suggested some counseling because of my sleep issues. I didn't mention any of the above to her, but I think she suspects my inability to sleep may be related to some psychological issues troubling my subconcious. I think she may be right.
Children
Reader Comments (6)
Oh, Shannon. You're carrying so much on your shoulders in terms of guilt and worry. I think counseling actually sounds like a good idea, if only to give you some tactics at learning to let things go. Yes, you struggled to conceive, but you can't worry about what other people think when they find out you're pregnant. Everyone has their own path in life and it's not your problem to worry about everyone else. Just you. You're a kind, sensitive person who in no way would make another woman feel less than just by being pregnant. (If people feel that way, that's their own issue to deal with.)
As far as bonding, I was the same as you. Being pregnant felt like there was an alien inside of me. A stranger. I was in complete denial until M was born. And even then I didn't feel an instant connection. He was still a stranger to me. It took maybe a month or 6 weeks for my real Mama Bear, love-you-more-than-anything, to come out. Thing is, that's normal and that's OK.
You deserve everything you have. Embrace that.
This will not surprise anyone, but I am with A. I know that you struggled, and then struggled with other people's announcements, but life is too short and this time period too cool to not enjoy it to its fullest (when you're feeling good, that is). You are too thoughtful to come off as insensitive. People will deal with their own issues, and remember: happiness is contagious!
I think counseling is a great idea if you're open to it--you don't want to look back at your pregnancy and think that you spent it consumed with guilt.
Also, I have not bonded with the baby. We're just passing the safe zone, and who knows what will happen in the next 9 months? I'm thrilled and happy, but bonded? I think I need to at least see the baby's face.
xoxo
I agree with A as well and think counseling may do you some good. You've been through so much and you deserve to be happy and at peace with things.
And I'm not sure I significantly bonded with my first daughter until she was around 8 months old, maybe? When she was inside me, I worried too much that I could lose her at anytime. Once she was here, I had a lot of those same worries. And after a painful c-section recovery, and a very painful time with breastfeeding, I just couldn't bond with her. Almost literally any time I was near her, she was hurting my body, and I dreaded it. I dreaded my own child being awake and needing me. It's sad to think back on. But now that I'm completely in love with her, and now have a second, I find myself bonding better with baby #2 because I know someday we'll have a relationship as deep and genuine and amazing as baby #1 and I have found. :) So don't fret. It may not happen during pregnancy, and it may not even happen at birth or in the first weeks or months, but eventually it will and it'll feel wonderful.
Sorry if this posts twice - I don't think it posted the first time I typed it.
Shannon, your words just gutted me. "But the thing is, when you're in the middle of it, you have no idea you're in the middle...and the weight of that is overwhelming." You write the words I can't come up with, but that express exactly how I feel. Thank you for being so honest. I had emailed you back during your ectopic because I was miscarrying at the same time. I still haven't had a pregnancy that's lasted over 6 weeks, but I am not giving up. I just have retreated quite a bit and probably am depressed, if I'm being honest with myself.
I agree with the other ladies - you deserve everything you have. Walking on eggshells will only make this a rough(er) 9 months. I wish you every happiness with this new baby.
This is a very agreeable comments section... I totally agree with A. I know it is easier said than done but you can't shoulder all of this guilt. I think everyone appreciates your sensitivity but you also deserve to enjoy your blessing. I think counseling will help because I'd hate for you to spend the remainder of your pregnancy feeling like this (and if anything, I'd hate to think you won't be sleeping because once the baby is here... you won't be sleeping for awhile).
As for the bonding, I didn't really feel a "bond" with AM in the womb until I was really close to the end of the pregnancy. She would move around and sometime if I poked my belly in a specific way, she'd poke right back. That sort of thing was neat (and freaky in an alien sort of way). But like Lindsay, I also didn't immediately feel this overwhelming sense of love when AM got here. I had an overwhelming sense of panic. Then I was sleep deprived for the first few weeks so it was rough. I know every woman's experience is different so don't feel bad about what you're feeling.
Shit, don't forget that you're pregnant or damn, are you going to be surprised in a few months!
Also, don't get so guilty that you forget to enjoy the experience. For nine months, you can garner coos from strangers and get the husband to go out and get you tacos anytime you want. Milk that shit for all it's worth!