Downer
Monday, May 7, 2012 at 08:35PM Today I skipped the baby shower for the two pregnant women at work. I didn't think anyone would notice, but three people acknowledged my absence. One was my boss who gave me a hug, having figured out why I wasn't there. The other two were unknowing jabs. I just smiled and ignored them, but what I wanted to say was, "I had a miscarriage a few months ago. I'm trying to become a mother in every way I know how, and nothing is working. For some reason the universe doesn't want me to have this, and a baby shower is the last place I want to be!"
It's been a tough week. I was doing really well all month. I felt good. I didn't have to try to feel good or pretend to feel good, I just did, and it was wonderful. Then Thursday I found out a family friend is pregnant, and for some reason it erased all the progress I had made. All the counseling, all the yoga, all the positive affirmations. Down the drain. And as hard as I've tried to pull myself out of it, I've been really sad since Thursday.
That same friend, the one who recently revealed her pregnancy, was at my sister's graduation party this weekend. I spent the first couple hours avoiding her, and the next couple avoiding the topic when I talked to her. She deserves this happiness, I just didn't have the strength to celebrate with her, or to hear others celebrate with her. Fortunately I think she knew and respected this, and it didn't come up at all. When she was leaving, I hugged her and whispered congratulations. I meant it, too. But I'm ready to hear someone congratulate me already, damn it!
Like I said, tough week. I'm ready to catch a break. I mean we are trying EVERY option we can think of, we are wide open to the options, and yet nothing. I read this quote recently:
"If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."
And I feel like that's what we're doing. We're doing everything right, we're keeping an open mind, we're working our asses off every day toward our goal. As far as we can tell, we are living our lives in the rightest way we can, and karma just keeps fucking with us.
It's a bad night, and I just hope there's some good news soon.
Reader Comments (5)
At least you congratulated her. I totally understand removing yourself from that situation and I think it was better to have done that than to sit through something that would upset you.
Sometimes I feel like we're in a nation of over polite people... in that, people would torture themselves and sit through an upsetting situation in fear of appearing rude rather than avoid the situation altogether.
I so know this feeling. It's so hard to be happy for people even if they deserve it. I can do it mentally, but in my heart I just can't feel it the way I should. And that makes me feel bad, too.
You are doing everything right. You're doing everything you possibly can. You're putting yourself out there in ways that most people aren't capable of let alone willing to do. I have to believe good things will happen for you two. I just have to.
Okay, this is going to sound super lame and feel free to call me a retard and ignore me, but here goes.
I've been struggle with some depression lately. Not justified shit-isn't-working-out depression like yours, it's-raining-a-lot-and-I'm-bored-so-my-brain-decides-I-hate-myself depression. Not as legit as yours, but equally likely to drive husband crazy and lead to an over-indulgence in alcohol and ice cream. (Maybe that's just me.)
Anyway, one of the things I've started doing to combat this is what I call (here comes the lameness) The Glad Game. It's where I write down all the things that make me happy on a piece of stationary and keep it in an envelope next to my bed. Some of the things are specific, like incidents that happened or a compliment I got, some are general, like sunny days and rainy nights. And when I get feeling shitty, I pull it out and read it. It doesn't fix the shittiness completely, but it does sometimes keep me from wallowing in it. It helps get me moving forward again.
Totally understandable, Shannon. I wish I could take all your pain away.
These are the situations where you have to cut yourself some slack and take care of you first! It's been over a year since we stopped trying and I still struggle with office announcements and showers. In fact, my work friend just had a baby shower last month that I should have been the one to plan, but knew it was going to be too difficult so I asked a few of the others if they'd like to take the duties. And of course this work friend got pregnant after using birth control and plan B and not really ever wanting kids. Take your time and remember to cut yourself some slack! ((virtual hugs!))