Today I skipped the baby shower for the two pregnant women at work. I didn't think anyone would notice, but three people acknowledged my absence. One was my boss who gave me a hug, having figured out why I wasn't there. The other two were unknowing jabs. I just smiled and ignored them, but what I wanted to say was, "I had a miscarriage a few months ago. I'm trying to become a mother in every way I know how, and nothing is working. For some reason the universe doesn't want me to have this, and a baby shower is the last place I want to be!"
It's been a tough week. I was doing really well all month. I felt good. I didn't have to try to feel good or pretend to feel good, I just did, and it was wonderful. Then Thursday I found out a family friend is pregnant, and for some reason it erased all the progress I had made. All the counseling, all the yoga, all the positive affirmations. Down the drain. And as hard as I've tried to pull myself out of it, I've been really sad since Thursday.
That same friend, the one who recently revealed her pregnancy, was at my sister's graduation party this weekend. I spent the first couple hours avoiding her, and the next couple avoiding the topic when I talked to her. She deserves this happiness, I just didn't have the strength to celebrate with her, or to hear others celebrate with her. Fortunately I think she knew and respected this, and it didn't come up at all. When she was leaving, I hugged her and whispered congratulations. I meant it, too. But I'm ready to hear someone congratulate me already, damn it!
Like I said, tough week. I'm ready to catch a break. I mean we are trying EVERY option we can think of, we are wide open to the options, and yet nothing. I read this quote recently:
"If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."
And I feel like that's what we're doing. We're doing everything right, we're keeping an open mind, we're working our asses off every day toward our goal. As far as we can tell, we are living our lives in the rightest way we can, and karma just keeps fucking with us.
It's a bad night, and I just hope there's some good news soon.