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Monday
Dec242012

Just some thoughts

My mom called me tonight and asked if I was feeling ok. It's not strange for her to ask how I'm feeling these days, but this was, "Are you feeling ok?" She had a premonition. Her premonitions are correct more than half the time, and this time she premonisced (I made that up) that I was going to have this baby before the new year. That's only a week away! 

I am really hoping to make it to January for a variety of reasons, and I haven't had any signs of anything. But I did shave my legs tonight just in case.

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Is pregnancy brain really a real thing? I don't know if I buy it. Or maybe I just haven't been affected by it too severely. Other than that one time I used the men's room without realizing it, I don't feel like my brain is any more forgetful or distracted than usual. I do trip over my words a lot lately, and people always laugh and say, "Oh pregnancy brain, hardy har har." But I mix up words a lot when I'm not pregnant. I also forget things all the time, get distracted, and lose my train my of thought mid-sentence. Maybe I just have pregnancy brain all the time, except normally it's just called brain.

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The other day I was remembering how sick I was the first few months of this pregnancy. It's funny how quickly we forget. I was leaving work and the scent in the hallway flashed me back to all the days I walked outside to get some fresh air when I felt nauseous.

I can definitely see how women forget the discomforts of pregnancy and the pains of the labor. I've already forgotten how miserable I was for 14 weeks. 

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Still, despite how good I've felt since the about the 15th week, pregnancy has been a strange, almost unnatural state for me. I don't know how to explain what I mean because I've actually really love being pregnant. I'm a little bit sad it's almost over. But whenever I catch a glimple of myself in the mirror, I'm a little thrown off. I guess it's because I spent so many years thinking I most likely would never be pregnant, I never had any interest in it. I never daydreamed about it or tried to picture myself pregnant. I never really wondered what it would be like, I never looked forward to it as some future inevitability. 

I told Mike it would be like one day suddenly you're gay when you've always been straight (OK, maybe not quite like that, but go with it). You spend your whole like knowing you're straight, then all of a sudden you decide to be gay (this is where the analogy falls apart since I realize you don't decide such things, but again, stick with me). And now you're spending your life in a same sex relationship, something you never imagined for yourself, never thought about or prepared for in any way. You love it, but it's just so...unfamiliar.

Yes, pregnancy is unfamiliar for any first-time pregnant lady. I get that, but this feels different in a way. It's not just unfamiliar as a state of being, but also as a state of mind. 

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Back in April when my sister and I both found out we were pregnant and due in January, we joked about how HUGE we'd be at Christmas. I imagined lumbering around, 50 pounds heavier, uncomfortable and cranky. Yet, I'm not. I'm not 50 pounds heavier (though the weight is shooting up much faster these days!), I'm not terribly uncomfortable, I'm not very cranky, and other than the occasional waddle, I'm not actually lumbering too much. And I also don't think I'm huge. I thought I'd look like this:

(No offense Jess, you looked great.)

But I actually look this:

(My sister and I are modeling some antique hats Mom got us for Christmas.)

Not as big as I imagined I'd be... though, that belly is always bigger in pictures than I realize it is in real life. 

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