Wednesday
Feb102010
Medicated
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 at 09:02PM
As @thatpatti so astutely said on Twitter earlier tonight:
My schedule has been all out of whack, so my morning routine of popping the peach pill, well it's not exactly a routine anymore. I've been a negative nelly, everything everyone does bugs me, and tonight I started questioning everything and there I was, suddenly crying on the couch.
When I was with Brad, he used to have a hard time dealing with my negativity. I was always so negative, and little things seemed so heavy and burdensome. I was always complaining, and he, as the boyfriend, was tasked with having to lift me up. All the time. I used to get upset with him (surprise) and tell him he better just accept me as I am, I'm a complainer, deal with it, blah blah.
But now I realize I was crazy! Maybe not crazy, but there was something going on that Celexa has balanced out. I started taking it to deal with heartache after a breakup, but I've stayed on it because it's never more clear how much it balances me out than when I stop taking it. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a good complaining session, and I still get negative sometimes. But I don't feel the weight of the world all the time, and I don't drag my boyfriend down with me. Oh how much more enjoyable I might have been lo those many years if only I had discovered the problem sooner.
Then a night like tonight happens, and I feel just like I used to for so long. I was in between insurance coverages for awhile, and I missed a few weeks of Celexa, then once I got back on it, my routine was so thrown off that I missed several days recently. And now I can't sleep because all I can do is feel this heaviness on my heart. A heaviness that I can't identify or contribute to any one thing, but a heaviness that has me questioning everything and crying about it all.
I just need to get back on track. Keep the crazy at bay.
missed a few doses of celexa this week and i'm really feeling it. sometimes i forget how much crazy it's holding at bay.
My schedule has been all out of whack, so my morning routine of popping the peach pill, well it's not exactly a routine anymore. I've been a negative nelly, everything everyone does bugs me, and tonight I started questioning everything and there I was, suddenly crying on the couch.
When I was with Brad, he used to have a hard time dealing with my negativity. I was always so negative, and little things seemed so heavy and burdensome. I was always complaining, and he, as the boyfriend, was tasked with having to lift me up. All the time. I used to get upset with him (surprise) and tell him he better just accept me as I am, I'm a complainer, deal with it, blah blah.
But now I realize I was crazy! Maybe not crazy, but there was something going on that Celexa has balanced out. I started taking it to deal with heartache after a breakup, but I've stayed on it because it's never more clear how much it balances me out than when I stop taking it. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a good complaining session, and I still get negative sometimes. But I don't feel the weight of the world all the time, and I don't drag my boyfriend down with me. Oh how much more enjoyable I might have been lo those many years if only I had discovered the problem sooner.
Then a night like tonight happens, and I feel just like I used to for so long. I was in between insurance coverages for awhile, and I missed a few weeks of Celexa, then once I got back on it, my routine was so thrown off that I missed several days recently. And now I can't sleep because all I can do is feel this heaviness on my heart. A heaviness that I can't identify or contribute to any one thing, but a heaviness that has me questioning everything and crying about it all.
I just need to get back on track. Keep the crazy at bay.
in Brad, Giraffe, My anatomy
Brad, Giraffe, My anatomy
Reader Comments (9)
I hope you're feeling better soon!
I think "keeping the crazy at bay" could make for a really good slogan for some medication.
(I hope that at least made you chuckle)
I hope you feel better soon!
One of my family members is on similar medication, and it is so completely obvious when she hasn't taken her medicine. Hopefully you'll get back on schedule and be feeling better all around very soon!
I had a few days like that last week. I ended up being pissed at the world instead of sad or heavy hearted. I can sooooo relate.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling off. Hopefully things settle down for you soon.
Did I tell you I started taking (a generic for) Zoloft a couple months ago? Well, I did, reluctantly, as I fought the idea of it tooth and nail for many, many postpartum months, not wanting to feel like a failure for needing help beyond just talking out The Crazy in my head ad nauseum with Roth and my mom. My ob/gyn agreed that a small dose might help take the edge off, and so far, it's helped. I rarely feel like spiraling into a full-on tantrum when things don't go my way, or when I'm frustrated by things out of my control. I still get frustrated, but it's like there's this filter in my head now that prevents a meltdown. I just feel ... better.
But I definitely notice when I forget to take my pill, or if I take it later in the day, like on a weekend. And that scares me, that I'm becoming so dependent on this tiny blue pill. Does this mean I'll have to take this drug for the rest of my life? Or will I get better, like I did several years ago after taking the same meds, post college?
All this to say, I totally get this. We may be swallowing a jagged, little pill for very different reasons, but I understand. And I offer you my empathy.
Jen, that's exactly what I mean. I still feel everything, good and bad, but it takes the edge off. That's always how I describe it to people. And it scares me that it's such a difference when I don't take it, that I'm so dependent right now. I wonder if that'll ever go away or if I'll need it forever. I joked with Mike the other day, "Does it worry you that when I'm not on drugs you drive me crazy?" But there's some truth to that, and it's a bit scary.
For now though, I'm glad I live in a world where I can take a pill to feel better without judgment (not much at least...).
I am such a horrible pill taker. I had to go to setting reminders on my phone (especially for the weekend) and on my outlook calender at work to remind me to take the damn thing. And sometimes I set two just in case. But I have to set reminders to remember to do a lot of things. lol
I don't think you'll have to take it forever, necessarily. I went through a really rought time and took Lexapro for a long time. At this point in my life, I don't feel the need for it. My circumstances have changed a great deal since the time I felt compelled to ask my doctor for something, anything to make me feel a little less edgy and neurotic. Shan, you have been stressed to the max lately with the new job and the traveling. Prior to that, your every weekend was booked and prior to that the break-up. It's been one thing after another. I would feel extremely stretched in your shoes.
And even if you do have a long-term relationship with the little peach pill, I think of you as a better person knowing that you know yourself well enough to know that this helps you and you feel better because of it. Your well-being is important to me.
i just wanted to say, again, that taking the pills does not make you rock any less. love you!