My mom: a story of reproductive rights

I always knew that my mom got pregnant more than once while on birth control -- twice with a diaphragm and once on the pill. But the part of the story that I just found out is that her doctor wouldn't 'tie her tubes' when she asked him to, even after the fourth child. And even after he warned her that another pregnancy could cause long-term problems for her. She asked for a tubal ligation three times, and twice she was refused because she "might want more someday." It wasn't until after her fifth time giving birth (all vaginal, all without drugs, by the way), and after her long-time doctor died, that her personal decision about her reproductive health was honored.

As I understand it, this is how it went:

- Mom gets pregnant with my brother, has baby August 1979
- Mom gets pregnant with me, has baby December 1980
- Mom uses diaphragm, gets pregnant with my sister, has baby January 1983
- Doctor tells her shouldn't have any more kids
- Mom asks for tubal ligation
- She is denied by her doctor
- Mom uses diaphragm, gets pregnant with my sisters, has baby March 1985
- Doctor tells her shouldn't have any more kids
- Mom asks for tubal ligation
- She is denied by her doctor
- Said doctor passes away
- Mom uses birth control pill, gets pregnant with my sister, has baby September 1987
- She asks for tubal ligation from new doctor
- Doctor ties her tubes
- No more babies

Now what the hell? Her doctor tells her it's bad for her health to have more babies, but he won't do anything to help her permanently prevent it? She tries multiple forms of birth control and they fail (keep in mind my dad has seven kids... we are a fertile and tenacious people). She doesn't want any more children*, she knows having more could cause negative and long-term health problems, so she tries to take control of her reproductive health and is denied. Why? Because the doctor knows better? Because she might want to have more kids one day? Because she's not intelligent enough to make that decision herself?

The worst part about this story is that now my mom is living with those negative long-term health problems. Her medical issues are her business, so no details, but suffices to that she had to retire on disability in her mid-40s, she can't drive, she walks with a cane, she is in chronic and serious pain, and obviously she can't work at all. Most of this is caused directly or indirectly by giving birth more times than her body could handle (not everyone is built like Michelle Duggar). She is not yet 50 years old, and this is her life.

So let's reiterate: doctor tells mom not to have more kids -- mom asks for tubal ligation -- doctor refuses -- repeat -- mom now lives a limited life with chronic pain.

I get so angry when I think about her situation. It was in the 1980s when she was being denied her reproductive rights, and sadly too much of that still exists today. Way too much. Women are people, they have brains, they are intelligent, they are capable of processing information and they are capable of making their own decisions. Stop making them for us.

*My mom is thankful for all of her children. Just because she wanted to stop having kids before my sisters became real people (and not just abstract possibilities) doesn't mean she isn't endlessly grateful for all of them. And she loves us all the same. Except for me, I'm her favorite of course.

Comments

[Jess]

Ok, at first glance, I thought you were going to give us more big news. Anyway...

It is horrible that your mom suffers so. She's such a lovely woman and has done such a fabulous job (imo) raising such a wonderful family. It is infuriating that her wishes were not even considered by the doctor then. As time progresses, the best we can hope for and work towards is continual change.

I can attest that some progress has been made. At 29, I wanted an IUD. Granted, it isn't a permanent method, but still a procedure that a number of doctors refuse to perform on someone who has never given birth. Fortunately, my doctor was not one of those. He did, of course, ask me to think it over and to be sure of my decision. It's a fairly pricey procedure and an invasive procedure with possible complications that could prevent pregnancy permanently. My decision was made and I went forward with it. And my doctor went forward without hesitation.

We've made progress in 20 years. Though that is no help to your mom's situation, I think she will find some happiness in knowing that there are better options for her children than there were 20 years ago.

[Emily]

oh, mom didn't tell you? I'M her favorite! Sorry to break it to you... I'm sure you're a close second. :)

[Angela]

what's even more of a shame than the fact that there was a doctor out there that thought that he should risk her life for God knows what reason by denying her request, but that woman in the eighties trusted their doctors judgment so implicitly that they felt they couldn't choose to get another doctor's opinion. I think it was kind of ingrained in people's minds that the doctors knew best. Fortunately now there is more freedom. If your doctor and you have a disagreement, you can look elsewhere. Since they know we can do that, they are more apt to listen to us, for we know our bodies better than anyone else.

My mom had a different, similar circumstance, because she didn't realize you can say, "well, there is a doctor out there that will listen to my needs." I had an aunt who was told her doctor wouldn't do a tubal ligation unless she had a second child. So she had a second child just so she could get one.

There are a lot of people out there that claim that God wants us to have as many children as our bodies allow. That may be the thinking of the doctors back then, I don't know. But what I do know, is there is no where in the Bible that backs up that way of thinking. There is also nowhere in the bible that puts down birth control either. Anyway, that is my rant for the day.

[Kim]

Great post! I'm sorry that your mom suffers and has had to suffer with this for so long. It's such a shame that doctors were (and in many ways still are) so ignorant about things.

[hillary]

My girlfriend just had her second baby in May. She knows that she is done having kids yet her doctor will not tie her tubes. Her husband went to his doctor to ask for a vasectomy. He was refused. All because they are both 26 years old and "might want more kids down the line." Except that for emotional, physical, and financial reasons, they both are 100% that they don't want more kids. It blows my mind that in this day and age, doctors are still making our reproductive decisions for us.

[CharmCityKim]

This post completely blows my mind. I'm sorry that your mom had to go through that (but at least you have some great siblings). I mean... you just don't expect to read these stories from the 80s.

[MonsteRawr]

I think at that point, I would have gone to another doctor. A good doctor wouldn't let something as assassin as refusing to let her take his advice be considered.

[Heather]

I'm sorry that the doctor didn't listen to your mother and that she's now suffering because her choice was not honored. I find it interesting that you didn't mention your father, though. He could also have helped prevent some of your mother's health problems by getting a vasectomy. But on the other hand, he may have been asserting his reproductive right by refusing. I don't know if that was the case and you don't have to say whether or not it was. I realize this is personal stuff.

However...I do believe there are situations in which a man should step up. If a woman has already had two or three children, has suffered through the physical and hormonal changes that come with each birth, and the couple has decided it's in their best interests not to have any more, then why should it be the woman's job to put her body through more stress with a tubal ligation?

Some women who have a c-section will opt to have their tubes tied at that time. That makes sense, and had I known when my daughter was born that I didn't want any more I would have done the same. We didn't figure that out until a year later so my husband had a vasectomy. And he's deathly afraid of needles!

[Shannon]

Such an interesting perspective Heather! I agree, men and women are both responsible for reproduction and its prevention. I did consider that later, but I haven't yet asked my mom or dad why he didn't have a vasectomy. I don't know if I'll share because, you're right, personal stuff. But I will ask.

[Heather]

I know a guy who said he'd never get a vasectomy and criticized my husband for doing so. His wife just found out she's pregnant again because their condom failed. They weren't planning on any more kids but he definitely wasn't planning on doing anything to make sure they wouldn't have any more, either.

Thanks for tolerating my lengthy comment. I don't normally get so opinionated on other people's blogs!

[lisa]

I begged for this procedure when I was 24. I already had 2 daughters and their father and I weren’t going to work out because of his major bi-polar that was continually getting worse. At 24, I was denied twice (different doctors) because I was too young, not married, and only had 2 kids (I guess 3 is what they want you to shoot for). Mind you, I didn’t want any more children. Just because I have a uterus doesn’t mean I have to use it. At 25, I met a man who was “supposedly” sterile after a military injury. I felt as though my prayers were answered. Well, he wasn’t sterile. I got pregnant and right from the beginning I begged him to let me terminate. He didn’t want me to because he wanted his child. I should’ve sneaked off and had it done but I never found anyone willing to take me. Anyways, I had a son. Months later, after having to quit bcps because of them making me ill, I got pregnant again (twins). This pregnancy turned out to be very traumatic (twins died) and I wanted a tubal after that. NOPE! This time was because of the fact that I had a traumatic pregnancy. Forget the fact that these people knew I had wanted this since I was 24. At 31, I’ve finally found someone willing to do this. This is 7 years and 3 kids after the time I first wanted it. Now, I’ve made my husband get a Vas but I haven’t touched him in over a year. I honestly suffer from severe depression and I have trouble bonding with my son. I regret having him almost every day of my life. I’m trapped in a marriage, with a man who lied to me, and raising a child that I never wanted to have. It’s messed me up so bad that I don’t even feel that I’m an adequate mother to my daughters. I honestly REGRET not having my tubes tied when I was 24. If I were to ever get pregnant again, I would NOT tell my husband and I would just sneak off and have an abortion.

You doctors who make us women jump through hoops to get our tubes tied, I hope you rot in hell some day and remember my story the next time a young woman is in front of you begging for this. I would much rather have gotten a tubal and regretted that than having a child and regretting him. It’s the most awful feeling in the world. My whole life was taken from me because I was denied this… and there is nothing I can do to get it back.