I want...
Monday, July 27, 2009 at 10:46AM Recently I found a Google Doc I had created on 6/11/2008. It was titled "I Want" and looked like this:
I want...
To be happier in my job
To travel to Europe
To wear size 10 pants
To find someone I deeply love and who deeply loves me
You know that whole The Secret business? I never read or paid attention to it, but I know it has something to do with visualizing what you want, believing you'll get it, and putting it out into the universe. Or some such. I don't think that's exactly what I was doing with this list, at least not intentionally, but for some reason I wrote these four items down. They were things that seemed somewhat impossible at the time. Thing I had been struggling to achieve or obtain for a long time with little success. So I wrote them down, and basically forgot about them.
And now, over a year later, I came upon this list, and holy crap I've accomplished every single one! I was truly shocked and amazed and extremely pleased when I realized that. Because seriously, those things seemed impossible when I wrote them. And here I am.
Let's break it down.
I want...to be happier in my job
Notice I didn't say find a new job. I left it general. Either I needed to find a job that made me happier or I needed to find a way to be happier in the one I had. I think the state of economy helped me accomplish this one. With so many people out of work, getting laid off, taking pay cuts, I decided to change my attitude and be happy I even had a job. A job with acceptable pay and good benefits. I know it's dangerous to blog about work, but the truth is, I'm not exactly where I want to be in my career. But I'm so blasted happy to be working at all, and that attitude adjustment has made me so much happier.
I want...to travel to Europe
I made this one happen myself. I sought out an opportunity and didn't let any excuses stand in my way. It was a stretch financially, but it was so worth it. I had been trying to get to Europe for about 10 years, and there were always a millions reasons I couldn't. I decided enough with the excuses, I'm going! Two weeks in Ireland was incredible and I'm more eager than ever to see more of Europe.
I want...to wear a size 10 pant
I had no delusions about being super skinny, I just wanted to get back down to a size I was happy with. By the time I wrote that sentence, I had gotten up to a 14, which isn't absurd or anything, it just wasn't natural. I naturally have big hips and boobs and thighs and butt, and that's fine. But I was just unhealthy and it was unnecessary. I had tried to lose some weight, but I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to fitness, and it felt hopeless. And frankly I just didn't care enough to kick my own ass. Sadly, it was the Depression Diet that helped me lose significant weight, but it's been a year and I'm still proudly in a size 10! Some pounds have creeped back on, but every time I start to feel chunky, I slip into some size 10 jeans and remember that I'm still the size I want to be. (I just told that internet what size pants I wear, that's kind of a big deal.)
I want...to find someone I deeply love and who deeply loves me
Note that this was written when I was still with Brad. I think at the time I hoped it would be him with whom I'd find this deep love. I hoped we'd find a way to work through our problems and really truly deeply love each other. But I think the message I was sending myself was clear even if I didn't admit it then: I was unfulfilled in the love department. I wanted something more. It took a giant heartbreaking split from Brad, but it opened me up to other possibilities. And since then I've met the Giraffe. Who loves me more thoroughly and fully than I dared to imagine. He makes my heart swell. I feel like I've found a real partner in life, and I no longer have to question if I'm genuinely loved by my partner. True love? Deep love? Check. I am so so blessed.
I think I'll do this again. Write an "I Want..." list and see where it stands a year from now.
Reader Comments (4)
To the numbers four. I think it says a lot you wrote that one while with Brad. I'm so happy for you.
It's always fun to look back and see what you wanted and whether you got it. I'm glad you got some change in all of those areas.
That is awesome! Glad you were able to attain all 4 things. Now I'm off to make my list!
I, too have a list of things I want from life. It includes both the serious, (I want to be married to my best friend,) and the trivial, (I want to own a lot of hats.) I like to go through the list about once every couple of years, and cross off the things I've accomplished and edit the things I no longer want in the capacity they were written. I think it's fascinating and exciting to see how my hopes and dreams have changed over the years, as they reflect the person that I am and the person I want to become.
Congratulations on subconsciously being awesome!