Wednesday
Mar252009
Who cares about a damn title?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at 06:35AM
Things just don't feel right with me. My mood swings so quickly and so greatly, I'm not sure what to make of it. Everytime I'm in an upswing, I think oh good, I'm fine, no need for concern. And when I swing down, I think, I should call the doctor and ask about this Celexa thing. But then I'm too moody and overwhelmed to do anything about it. And so it goes.
Finally yesterday I had to call my doctor for a prescription refill (on something else), and I decided I'd leave a message to have someone call me about the Celexa issue. Well, turns out the person I want to talk to is no longer working at that office. And without her there, I didn't know who to talk to.
[Long explanation of why I didn't know who to talk to: My official doctor is Dr. B, but I've never actually met her. I've only ever gone to the doctor's office for two reasons - annual exam and anxiety/depression. For the former I've always had Erin, a PA, who is great. For the latter I saw "young hot male doctor" because he was the only one available on short notice. So technically he prescribed the Celexa, but I don't feel comfortable talking to him the way I do Erin. So Erin apparently left the practice, I've never talked to or met Dr. B, and I don't feel comfortable talking to young hot male doctor.]
So I didn't leave a message at all. I was feeling fine when I called and didn't think it was a big deal. But last night I cried myself to sleep. Why? No idea. I laid in bed and felt sad, overwhelmed, confused, unhappy, and I cried. I guess I had been thinking about some stuff, life stuff, but it's stuff that normally wouldn't elicit that kind of emotional reaction.
And this morning I thought, that's enough. I haven't wanted to get back on Celexa because I'm not depressed, I'm just not in control of my emotions. I should be able to get this under control without medicine, I thought. But do you remember awhile ago, a couple months ago, when I was so happy? I was genuninely happy, energized and hopeful. I felt good. I miss that. I'm not depressed like I was for several months after the break up, but I'm not happy like I was for a couple months after that either.
I started Celexa because of circumstantial depression. Broken heart = depression = Celexa. So I thought when I had worked through all that, I was no longer in need of an anti-depressant. But maybe it's more than circumstantial. Maybe in order to stabilize my mood, in order to feel happy and hopeful, I need this.
So I started the Celexa again this morning. I know I should talk to a doctor before going off and on drugs, but I don't want to wait to figure out who I should talk to at that office. I don't want to have to explain myself to a stranger. My dose is pretty low, and it helped so much last time. And this time, if I think I'm ready to stop taking it again, I'll talk to a doctor first.
Am I being really stupid?
Finally yesterday I had to call my doctor for a prescription refill (on something else), and I decided I'd leave a message to have someone call me about the Celexa issue. Well, turns out the person I want to talk to is no longer working at that office. And without her there, I didn't know who to talk to.
[Long explanation of why I didn't know who to talk to: My official doctor is Dr. B, but I've never actually met her. I've only ever gone to the doctor's office for two reasons - annual exam and anxiety/depression. For the former I've always had Erin, a PA, who is great. For the latter I saw "young hot male doctor" because he was the only one available on short notice. So technically he prescribed the Celexa, but I don't feel comfortable talking to him the way I do Erin. So Erin apparently left the practice, I've never talked to or met Dr. B, and I don't feel comfortable talking to young hot male doctor.]
So I didn't leave a message at all. I was feeling fine when I called and didn't think it was a big deal. But last night I cried myself to sleep. Why? No idea. I laid in bed and felt sad, overwhelmed, confused, unhappy, and I cried. I guess I had been thinking about some stuff, life stuff, but it's stuff that normally wouldn't elicit that kind of emotional reaction.
And this morning I thought, that's enough. I haven't wanted to get back on Celexa because I'm not depressed, I'm just not in control of my emotions. I should be able to get this under control without medicine, I thought. But do you remember awhile ago, a couple months ago, when I was so happy? I was genuninely happy, energized and hopeful. I felt good. I miss that. I'm not depressed like I was for several months after the break up, but I'm not happy like I was for a couple months after that either.
I started Celexa because of circumstantial depression. Broken heart = depression = Celexa. So I thought when I had worked through all that, I was no longer in need of an anti-depressant. But maybe it's more than circumstantial. Maybe in order to stabilize my mood, in order to feel happy and hopeful, I need this.
So I started the Celexa again this morning. I know I should talk to a doctor before going off and on drugs, but I don't want to wait to figure out who I should talk to at that office. I don't want to have to explain myself to a stranger. My dose is pretty low, and it helped so much last time. And this time, if I think I'm ready to stop taking it again, I'll talk to a doctor first.
Am I being really stupid?
in My anatomy
My anatomy
Reader Comments (6)
We each have our own way of coping with rough patches; yours is Celexa, mine is watching obscene amounts of Spongebob. Neither is particularly healthy, but it gets us by. It sounds like you've thought this through, and only you can know for sure what's going to help you.
I would say that it might not be a bad idea to get in to talk to someone eventually, since it doesn't sound like your meds were meant to be taken for an extended period of time. But it also sounds like this might be the perfect opportunity to find a new doctor, one you feel comfortable with.
Whatever happens, feel better!
No, you're doing what you think is the right thing. And for what it's worth, the Celexa is probably useful right now and you should be on it. Not all depression is Sylvia Plath-like...many times it comes in the form of frustration, boredom, anger, restlessness, lack of motivation, etc.
That's kind of how I stayed on Celexa. I started it because of the infertility. Then I felt happy like I had never felt before. I realized that I liked being on it, better than being off of it. I also stopped having insecurities, which I had a lot before hand. I sometimes wonder if I became dependent by being on it. I'm not sure. But I like being on it, I'm truly happy. :)
I don't think you're being stupid with the meds but if you're not comfortable talking to your doctor, I think it's time to find a new doc.
I really think it's worth finding a dr. to discuss this with (someone other than the hot male guy, obviously). It's super annoying, I know (I've seem billions of doctors, too), but these drugs affect your emotions and cognition and the effects should be monitored by a professional.
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