Friday
Nov202009
Compared to
Friday, November 20, 2009 at 09:11AM
Two of my best blogger buddies read my post yesterday and wrote their own accounts of adolescent insecurity. You should check out Katie's post (at Willikat) and Angie's post (at Found Out About Me).
That got me thinking more about this topic. I think a lot of my insecurities were wrapped up in my comparison to my younger sister (Andrea, the hot one). She was pretty and skinny and popular and athletic and artistic and talented. I, according to my own thoughts, was none of those things.
Even though I can see now that I had it pretty good then*, it was never enough because my sister always had more and better. And the worst part is that she and I didn't get along, so not only was I painfully jealous of my younger sister, but she really had no use for me. A lot of my self-confidence, or lack of it, resulted from how I related to Andrea.
Surprisingly I was rarely teased or mocked or bullied by classmates, so very little of my insecurity issues spawned from my peers. Sure, I felt ridiculous in gym class and I shied away from direct contact with the "popular" kids, but I was spared a lot of the pain that many teenagers cause each other.
For me, it was all about crying myself to sleep so many nights because even though I was the older sister, I was much less important in the world. Looking back, I think I had some issues with depression in my adolescence, and I think a lot of it manifested itself in my feelings about self-worth compared to my sister.
Oddly though, it was that summer we spent in Yellowstone together that brought us closer. We spent nearly every day together, and we had lots of fun. We came out of that experience closer than we had ever been. It took a couple more years before I stopped comparing myself to her and learned to love myself, but it helped that we were finally friends, as well as sisters.
*I don't think I ever really found myself ugly, but certainly not pretty. Looking back, I was such a good size - not too gangly, and not at all overweight - but I hated my hips and thighs and stomach at the time. I was not popular in the sense of being part of the "in crowd" but I had lots of great friends, and I believe I was well-liked in general with no real enemies. I've never been athletic, so that was no illusion. I'm not artistic, though I am pretty creative, but that wasn't good enough back then. As for talented... I still don't know that I'm talented. I'm capable, competent and good at many things, but I've always said that I don't have a true talent. I'm good at many things, great at none.
That got me thinking more about this topic. I think a lot of my insecurities were wrapped up in my comparison to my younger sister (Andrea, the hot one). She was pretty and skinny and popular and athletic and artistic and talented. I, according to my own thoughts, was none of those things.
Even though I can see now that I had it pretty good then*, it was never enough because my sister always had more and better. And the worst part is that she and I didn't get along, so not only was I painfully jealous of my younger sister, but she really had no use for me. A lot of my self-confidence, or lack of it, resulted from how I related to Andrea.
Surprisingly I was rarely teased or mocked or bullied by classmates, so very little of my insecurity issues spawned from my peers. Sure, I felt ridiculous in gym class and I shied away from direct contact with the "popular" kids, but I was spared a lot of the pain that many teenagers cause each other.
For me, it was all about crying myself to sleep so many nights because even though I was the older sister, I was much less important in the world. Looking back, I think I had some issues with depression in my adolescence, and I think a lot of it manifested itself in my feelings about self-worth compared to my sister.
Oddly though, it was that summer we spent in Yellowstone together that brought us closer. We spent nearly every day together, and we had lots of fun. We came out of that experience closer than we had ever been. It took a couple more years before I stopped comparing myself to her and learned to love myself, but it helped that we were finally friends, as well as sisters.
*I don't think I ever really found myself ugly, but certainly not pretty. Looking back, I was such a good size - not too gangly, and not at all overweight - but I hated my hips and thighs and stomach at the time. I was not popular in the sense of being part of the "in crowd" but I had lots of great friends, and I believe I was well-liked in general with no real enemies. I've never been athletic, so that was no illusion. I'm not artistic, though I am pretty creative, but that wasn't good enough back then. As for talented... I still don't know that I'm talented. I'm capable, competent and good at many things, but I've always said that I don't have a true talent. I'm good at many things, great at none.
in Family, Memory Lane, NaBloPoMo
Family, Memory Lane, NaBloPoMo
Reader Comments (3)
Shannon, I'd love to hear more about your summer in Yosemite. Write some happy face posts about it someday?
Good idea! I will. It was a great summer.
Um, didn't you like just recently create a super cool embroidery thing for your dad? And NOT from a pattern? I have to say, Willikat and I were at happy hour together a couple weeks ago and were talking about how super uber talented you are in that area. (And she told me about the wedding present you sent her, too - hello!)
So, write that one down: GREAT at embroidery (and cute little baby quilts).
P.S. I suffered through a bit of depression in high school, too. Though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Again, why I think being a girl was/is so incredibly hard...