Retrospective, Part 1
Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 08:52AM It was almost six months ago that my relationship with Brad ended. I am still amazed at how far I've come and how differently I feel now compared to those awful dark months. While I was living it, those six months (especially the first four) seemed dragging and endless. But now, sometimes I think "I shouldn't be feeling this good, it's only been six months! Surely I can't be fully ready to move on right?" It must be the drugs. Or maybe my fierce determination to feel truly happy again. I think I'm there.
Anyway, I was looking through some drafts that I had written during those hard months but never posted. I thought I'd publish them over the next few days, sort of as a retrospective on how far I've come (and because you may have noticed I have very little blogging inspiration lately).
I can still remember feeling and thinking these things, but I can no longer really relate to them. They are now my past. This one titled "Control" was written on 8/4/2008, two weeks after the break up.
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Every time I see the (1) on my Gmail tab, I still hope it’s him. Saying something to me. Anything. I can’t help it, I miss him and I miss hearing from him. I know that anything he has to say right now will probably be hard to hear. Because it will certainly not be "I love you, I made a mistake, please forgive me." But I still hold my breath while I click over to the Gmail tab, hoping that he’s decided to reach out to me somehow. To say something, anything.
I really hate that I have so little control in this situation. I know we had problems, I know that. But I thought after more than three years, maybe I would have had a little more say in how this happened. He consulted me, he let me know he was thinking about this, he asked my opinion. But he got to make the ultimate decision. And now he’s the one in control. He’s not using that control to hurt me, he’s just being honest. But when you’re the one who isn’t hurting, you get to be in control.
I’ve been there. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, he was hurting and I wasn’t. I was hurting for him (as I’m sure Brad is doing for me right now), but he was the crushed one. And I was in control. I got to cut him off and push him away. I got to tell him that it’s for his own good if we don’t talk right away. Brad isn’t doing exactly what I did, but he is in control. All I can control is my reaction to all of this.
And as you can see from the last few weeks, I’m failing miserably at that. This is not how I want to react, this is not who I want to be. But I haven’t been able to control even that.
I feel cheated out of something. I had a life planned, and every part of it involved him. I was offering him that, offering him myself (which, excuse me, is pretty fucking awesome by the way), and he turned me down. I don’t know if he’ll ever want it. But I know he doesn’t want it right now, and when he refused it, he took something away from me. He took away a big piece of me and my life. And that’s not fair. Why does he get to take that away from me? This wasn’t my idea, this isn’t what I wanted to happen. Not like this. Not now. I feel cheated.
I know break ups aren’t supposed to be fair or make anyone feel good, but somehow I think I deserve better than the way this whole thing has played out. I don’t know exactly what I would tell Brad to do differently because I believe that he genuinely hates hurting me. But I also feel like I’m still not getting the whole story. I still don’t really understand why this happened and what he wants to accomplish from it.
It’s true that nobody can tell the future, and it is possible that we will end up together again one day. But I’m completely confused about where he stands on that idea, and therefore I’m totally confused about how I want to approach that idea. So again, he’s in control. I just wish I knew more about what happened so I could take better control about what will happen from now on.
Reader Comments (3)
Even in crisis mode, your thoughts seem so much more rational than mine would have been, or are, in that situation. And I'm usually on the other end.
Wow, can't believe six months have passed. I'm so glad that you are doing better and are able to move forward.
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