Sunday
Sep072008
Making it worse
Sunday, September 7, 2008 at 05:27PM
I took your advice, I started counseling. Sort of. My employer offers an employee assistance program so I could get a few sessions free, then be referred if necessary. Since I didn't know where else to go, I tried that. So far the whole thing has been more stressful and frustrating than helpful.
As expected, the whole first session was intake stuff, and all that really came out of it was that I tested at moderate depression and extreme anxiety. And I need to get on anti-depressants. And I need to read this one book she suggested. We didn't get to talk about anything regarding what is causing all this, and we definitely didn't start working through how to get better. Except to get medicated.
I'm fine with the anti-depressants, but I also want to talk through all this and figure out how to make myself better. Except, I couldn't even get another appointment until the end of the month. So now I have to wait over three weeks before I can even meet with her again. Not to mention the fact that she's not even really my counselor. She's an MSW, which is fine, but her role is basically to figure out what the issue is and determine the next steps. As in, does she need medication, does she need further counseling, does she need to be checked into a hospital, etc. So in three weeks when I meet with her again, I still don't really get to start working on this stuff. At best I can find out if I'll be referred to another counselor. And then of course wait until I can get in with that person.
Also, another draw back to the MSW thing is that she can't prescribe anything for me, which means I had to call my doctor and make an appointment to talk about medication. Not surprisingly, I can't get in there for two weeks. So not only do I have to wait a month for my next counseling appointment, but I have to wait two weeks to even get started on any medication. Which, by the way, takes awhile to start working. So here's my time line:
In two weeks: start anti-depressants
Week and a half later: meet with (not) my (real) counselor again
Couple weeks later: hopefully be able to get in with another counselor
Couple weeks later: maybe start noticing affects of anti-depressant
So what, that puts me at about November? That's over three months after the break up. According to some theories I would be fine then anyway. Is it even worth it? Should I just call the whole thing off?
See, this is supposed to be making me feel better, and all I feel is stressed and frustrated (and kind of hopeless) when I think about it. Am I doing something wrong or is this just how it goes?
As expected, the whole first session was intake stuff, and all that really came out of it was that I tested at moderate depression and extreme anxiety. And I need to get on anti-depressants. And I need to read this one book she suggested. We didn't get to talk about anything regarding what is causing all this, and we definitely didn't start working through how to get better. Except to get medicated.
I'm fine with the anti-depressants, but I also want to talk through all this and figure out how to make myself better. Except, I couldn't even get another appointment until the end of the month. So now I have to wait over three weeks before I can even meet with her again. Not to mention the fact that she's not even really my counselor. She's an MSW, which is fine, but her role is basically to figure out what the issue is and determine the next steps. As in, does she need medication, does she need further counseling, does she need to be checked into a hospital, etc. So in three weeks when I meet with her again, I still don't really get to start working on this stuff. At best I can find out if I'll be referred to another counselor. And then of course wait until I can get in with that person.
Also, another draw back to the MSW thing is that she can't prescribe anything for me, which means I had to call my doctor and make an appointment to talk about medication. Not surprisingly, I can't get in there for two weeks. So not only do I have to wait a month for my next counseling appointment, but I have to wait two weeks to even get started on any medication. Which, by the way, takes awhile to start working. So here's my time line:
In two weeks: start anti-depressants
Week and a half later: meet with (not) my (real) counselor again
Couple weeks later: hopefully be able to get in with another counselor
Couple weeks later: maybe start noticing affects of anti-depressant
So what, that puts me at about November? That's over three months after the break up. According to some theories I would be fine then anyway. Is it even worth it? Should I just call the whole thing off?
See, this is supposed to be making me feel better, and all I feel is stressed and frustrated (and kind of hopeless) when I think about it. Am I doing something wrong or is this just how it goes?
Reader Comments (11)
Not sure if your regular doctor is also your Ob/Gyn, but you can totally get anti-depressants that way, too. And perhaps you can get an appointment sooner so you can start on the meds sooner. If that is indeed the route you want to take.
I took a couple different anti-depressants back in 2002, right after I graduated college and was feeling the very first symptoms of a "quarter life crisis." They definitely worked for me, but I quickly discovered that meds were not the route I wanted to take for the long haul - after a few months, I just started to feel numb to any and all emotions. But they definitely helped lift me out of the mire, and I've never really felt like I needed them again, once I stopped.
Hang in there!
This *sucks*. I'd suggest opting out of the whole referral system and finding someone on your own, someone who can see you regularly and get talking about the real issues on a weekly basis. (Even if you have to pay out-of-pocket. It's worth it. This is serious stuff you're grappling with and you cannot wait until November.) The drugs won't kick in for a while, you're not going to feel better until you process some of the causes of the anxiety and depression you're experiencing. The MSW issue isn't so important - if you get someone good, (s)he can work with a psychiatrist to monitor medications. Navigating the mental health system blows, especially when grappling with mental health issues (that's the supreme irony), but having a good counselor/therapist "on your team" can make all the difference. I've been there and cannot imagine what I would have done without the therapy (which, incidentally was provided by an MSW).
I think it's important to remember that everyone benefits differently from different forms of assistance -- drugs, therapy, whatever. I've told you that Welbutrin quite literally saved my life. I felt the effects within a matter of days and things progressively got better. My life circumstances didn't really change, and I certainly had every reason to still be completely distraught, but the medication made me profoundly more able to handle it all. I just wanted to put that out there for those who don't think medication is a legit route. .... That said, I'd see if you can't get in with a different doctor sooner so that you can discuss the helpfulness of the medications at your upcoming appointment (if, in fact, you're feeling any difference). I'm happy that you're taking these steps and while it seems such a long ways off, just remember there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll make it!
As Lindsay mentioned, the medication can work more quickly than you might think... I think some people start feeling (at least a little bit) better right away. It can DEFINITELY help.
Also, if the book the therapist recommended was "Feeling Good," I would definitely agree that it's something you might want to take a look at. It helped me deal with moderate depression as much or more than anything else I tried. (I probably single-handedly kept the self-help book industry in business after a bad breakup, but it was really the only book that stood out for me). It won't replace the medication, but it can speed things up.
It can take a while to find a therapist that you "click" with, but you are definitely on the right track. You are taking steps to help yourself, which is AWESOME.
I feel for ya girl. I tried the Employee Assistance Program when I was having a rough go of things...The lady told me I needed to change my diet. In fact, she recommended a diet of triscuits and cottage cheese. By doing that, she claimed all of life's stresses would disappear...::coughBULLHONKEYcough::.
Hang in there. You are definitely doing the right thing by seeking out support. Rome wasn't built in a day.
I hope your day is bright and your thoughts are happy.
On the medication front, I take Celexa, I started shortly after I was officially given the diagnosis of infertile. I do have to say it helps me. I worry less when I'm on it. For me, it is absolutely wonderful, and I'm not so sure I will ever go off it. I like the me better that takes it. Then again, I think for me, it wasn't just a circumstance that caused me to need it, it was just a circumstance that caused me start it. I am not sure how well it will work for someone who only needs it for circumstance reasons not chemical imbalance as I honestly believe I have.
As far as how quickly I felt a change. I don't know if it was a placebo effect, but I felt better probably two or three hours after taking it. I asked Kevin (psychology major), do you think this is already working or is this a placebo affect, he said, "Does it matter, if it works it works." And I don't feel numb from all emotions. When I'm taking it, I feel truly happy though I can also feel sad. But the difference is, I don't dwell on it. I'm able to dismiss it. I'm also able to see life without twenty thoughts filing through my brain. You know the song, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone... " Well, that's how I feel. I'm able to still feel all the emotions, just with better insight. And I also can still find things truly hilarious, some people who have tried it will say they stopped feeling joy too. I feel complete and utter joy a lot.
But I think that's the difference between someone like me who needs it and someone who doesn't.I have a feeling the people who say they feel void of all emotions, that maybe their the ones who don't really need it. I'm not saying you shouldn't try it, but I just don't know how it affects need based on circumstance. Anyway, good luck, I hope you figure out what works for you.
First let me say that I am very proud of you for taking this step. In the long run, I think that you will feel much better.
I used my Employee Assitance program and can't say enough about it.
It paid for like 8 sessions, and at $50 a session that saved me a whole lot of money. The thing is that you have to do a little work on the front end. You kinda have to interview the therapists before you commit to one. So it's important to ask things like "do you have emergency appoints" or "how far in advance do I have to schedule." Also, those intake questions are bothersome, but very important. It gives the therapist insight into who you are and perhaps why you are reacting to this breakup the way that you are.
You do need to see someone because what you have written seems like an example of "catastrophizing." If you think you need to see someone sooner, then see someone else.
This is the exact same process that I have gone through. Carolyn is a MSW as well and she has helped a immensely. I was told at my intial visit that it was an intake and she would be determining if it was a case that she would be able to handle or if she needed to refer me. I would think that if the person who did your intake was going to refer you, they would have done it at the initial visit. So that may very well be, in fact, the person that you talk with. I'm assuming here, but that was my experience.
I also remember not even being able to get in for the intake visit for something like two weeks. At the time I had made my appointment, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was at the end of my rope. I really thought if someone or something didn't help me, I was going to have to crawl into a hole and die. By the time I finally got in for my appointment, the severity of the issue I was having at the time had passed (that always seems the case). I am still glad that I went though. It still has made a huge difference in my life. It has been baby steps, as you well know, but they are steps nonetheless.
I also agree that anti-depressants will work faster than you think. I have a Welbutrin prescription and I take it randomly. I don't feel the need take it all the time so I don't. And it does help on the days that I do take it.
I say stay the course. I know it seems like a lot of rigmarole, but I think you will find it well worth it in the end. And I don't think that three months is that long. I don't think it is enough time to fully heal. I think it is definitely a good amount of time that will have passed so that you can begin to feel better. I know how great it would be to fully be over it by then or half way over it, but I think it will still be worth it for you to stay the course you are going. I really think you will be glad in the end.
I recall a similar deflation when I finally got the courage up to seek some therapy via work. Work paid for, like, 4 sessions. Also, the counsellor they paid for was not very good. I had a similar experience later on ... but luckily I did get a better assessment and advice, and I did get back with a therapist I know, like, and trust. They both recommended this book, Mind over Mood. After trying celexa and CBT and various therapists, I believe that a combination of things really truly do help. Celexa was the best--I felt so happy--but it also (I thought) made my mind feel muddy. Currently I'm without celexa but the CBT techniques really, really help.
Good luck and have faith that this IS an attainable goal, just like a degree, or a job, or a drivers license...
I hate trying to schedule appts with anyone in the medical profession... but at least you took the first steps! I'm always too chicken to take advantage of the not real counseling they offer through my office.