Thursday
Sep112008
Feeling the absence
Thursday, September 11, 2008 at 04:43PM
Making dinner tonight, I cut my finger, and it reminded me of Mrs. Twink's recent gash-while-cooking story. In hers, she called to her husband who helped her get band-aids, clean and inspect the injury, and bandage it up. I'm home alone tonight, so when I cut myself, I bled all over my fingers while I fumbled to rinse the cut, grab a band-aid and put it on. I'm sure her injury was much worse than mine, and it really wasn't a big deal to tend to my own wound, but it reminded me of yet another thing I'm missing. I'm a big girl and can deal with my self-inflicted cuts, but mostly I just wanted someone there to hear me scream, then laugh with me at my stupidity. I miss that.
I had my appointment with the young hot male doctor today, and it was a good day to have it. Today has been kind of a hard day. I haven't figured out what causes a good day and what causes a bad day, but today I was really sad and I felt the pressure on my chest again. Based on everything I told him, the doctor called in a prescription for Lexapro. After a really down day, I felt good about starting the meds, but when I drove to the pharmacy - no prescription. I guess they need prior authorization from the insurance company or something, but it was just not the blow I needed. Not because I thought I'd feel better as soon as I started them, but because now I have to wait, figure out when the prescription will be available, and make another trip to the pharmacy. And I think the fact that something as minor as that made my day and my week and my life feel so impossible is a good indication that there's something going on here.
Also, disappointingly, I forgot to ask for a referral to a therapist. Last night I even made a list of everything I wanted to ask or discuss and put it in my purse. But then I sat on the exam table for 45 minutes and not only did I never think to ask about the referral, but I completely forgot about the damn list! So I'm still not sure what I'm doing about that situation. Honestly, I don't feel like dealing with it. I want someone to deal with it for me. Which reminds me of something I realized recently:
Right now, when I'm hurting so much, is when I need a boyfriend the most - a confidant, a comfort, a partner. And the reason I need all that is because I no longer have it. I need a boyfriend because I'm hurting so much, and I'm hurting so much because my boyfriend left me. I need someone to help take care of life right now, but the reason I feel so helpless is because I'm sad, and the reason I'm sad is because the person who used to help me take care of life is gone. I need someone to love me because I'm lonely, but the reason I'm lonely is because the person who loved me is gone. I need someone to hold me while I cry, but the reason I'm crying is because my holder is gone.
I had my appointment with the young hot male doctor today, and it was a good day to have it. Today has been kind of a hard day. I haven't figured out what causes a good day and what causes a bad day, but today I was really sad and I felt the pressure on my chest again. Based on everything I told him, the doctor called in a prescription for Lexapro. After a really down day, I felt good about starting the meds, but when I drove to the pharmacy - no prescription. I guess they need prior authorization from the insurance company or something, but it was just not the blow I needed. Not because I thought I'd feel better as soon as I started them, but because now I have to wait, figure out when the prescription will be available, and make another trip to the pharmacy. And I think the fact that something as minor as that made my day and my week and my life feel so impossible is a good indication that there's something going on here.
Also, disappointingly, I forgot to ask for a referral to a therapist. Last night I even made a list of everything I wanted to ask or discuss and put it in my purse. But then I sat on the exam table for 45 minutes and not only did I never think to ask about the referral, but I completely forgot about the damn list! So I'm still not sure what I'm doing about that situation. Honestly, I don't feel like dealing with it. I want someone to deal with it for me. Which reminds me of something I realized recently:
Right now, when I'm hurting so much, is when I need a boyfriend the most - a confidant, a comfort, a partner. And the reason I need all that is because I no longer have it. I need a boyfriend because I'm hurting so much, and I'm hurting so much because my boyfriend left me. I need someone to help take care of life right now, but the reason I feel so helpless is because I'm sad, and the reason I'm sad is because the person who used to help me take care of life is gone. I need someone to love me because I'm lonely, but the reason I'm lonely is because the person who loved me is gone. I need someone to hold me while I cry, but the reason I'm crying is because my holder is gone.
Reader Comments (10)
Ugh. Wish I could do something.
You probably forgot because you're overwhelmed. Don't beat yourself up.
Good for you for doing as much as you did. It's a big step.
I'm out here, thinking of you.
Also: yes, this stuff might be a sign that things are hard, when the pharmacy mixup happened, but pharmacy mixups happen to be at like the top of my pet peeve list. Irritating!
Wow. A big life change since the last time I checked in on your blog (insane work schedule).
I am so sorry to hear about the breakup. I have been there and it is awful. I can totally relate to that tautological thinking as well. Ugh!
Good for you for getting some help. I'm sure everyone has told you that things will eventually get better and that you are heartily sick of hearing it, but it's true.
I also recommend trying to not spend too much time alone. Get outside if you can (very healing) and spend time with friends. One thing that really helped me was to read trashy celebrity biogs (of people like Joan Crawford and Rita Hayworth) after reading about their screwed up love lives, I felt like I was not in such bad shape! Seriously!
I really liked Lexapro. Damn insurance situations! It seems like when the blows start they just keep on coming.
Maybe you could call the doctor's office and say that you forgot to ask. Now that he's heard what's going on, the nurse or receptionist can take your message, ask the doc and call you back with a recommendation or referral. I've had to do that myself.
I can totally understand everything you say. Everything. Even just knowing that you have someone, even if they aren't there when you cut your finger, offers up that sense of security or comfort.
hugs honey ...
I've written up lists before to ask doctor's questions and always forget to ask them.
Your post reminded me of that quote from Fat Bastard, "I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."
(okay - so I hope you laughed at that because that was the intent... I'm not poking fun at what you're going through! I'm just trying to make you smile... a little. :-) )
Maybe this break-up was a good thing. Reading this entry sounds very co-dependent. Good luck with theapy. Maybe you can add the possible co-dependency thing to your list?
Doing the littlest things is hard in that state of mind. I haven't had that problem with insurance companies before, so, my sympathies. I hear the US health care system can be a bitch.
Even though you forgot to ask for a referral, clearly you haven't forgotten it because you're blogging about it. that's the positive thing about having a good memory... eventually you get around to doing those things other people would forget...
I'm a little behind in reading your blog - but I think it's a great idea to get help. One of the hardest things sometimes is just admitting that you need help. So it seems like doing that alone can sometimes be the first step!
Keep plugging away - you're doing the right thing.
I am new to your blog and so far really enjoy reading your posts. I am truly sorry for your breakup and can feel your pain. Please know that things will get better... that is what I keep preaching to myself every day.