Monday
Sep012008
Four years ago...
Monday, September 1, 2008 at 11:00AM
It was four years ago today when I met Brad. It was at 3:00pm. We used to remember the circumstances together sometimes, going over what the other was thinking the very first time we spoke. We also used to say that we should get married on September 1 at 3:00 so we'd be getting married the exact same day and time we met, only years later.
It feels weird to think back to that meeting. Neither of us had any idea what it would lead to. We had no idea that we would end up spending over three years being the most important person in each others' lives. We had no idea that we would eventually live together or that we would plan to get married or that we would eventually break up. He had no idea that someday he would break my heart.
I wonder now if, knowing how much he was capable of hurting me, he would still come up and say hi on that day. If he could have flashed forward four years and seen how much I would be hurting because of him, would he have spared me that? Would he have sacrificed all the good times we had, all the love we shared, to prevent this from happening?
And I wonder what I would have done. Is all this hurt, even six weeks later, worth it? Would I have ignored him that day? Dismissed him? Would I have given up the last few years to be spared what I'm feeling right now?
Maybe someday I will look back and know it was worth it. But today I'm just not sure.
It feels weird to think back to that meeting. Neither of us had any idea what it would lead to. We had no idea that we would end up spending over three years being the most important person in each others' lives. We had no idea that we would eventually live together or that we would plan to get married or that we would eventually break up. He had no idea that someday he would break my heart.
I wonder now if, knowing how much he was capable of hurting me, he would still come up and say hi on that day. If he could have flashed forward four years and seen how much I would be hurting because of him, would he have spared me that? Would he have sacrificed all the good times we had, all the love we shared, to prevent this from happening?
And I wonder what I would have done. Is all this hurt, even six weeks later, worth it? Would I have ignored him that day? Dismissed him? Would I have given up the last few years to be spared what I'm feeling right now?
Maybe someday I will look back and know it was worth it. But today I'm just not sure.
Reader Comments (6)
I think your blog might think I'm spam.
Break-ups are awful, and cast the good memories in a less-rosy light. But I like to think you and Brad would have gone for it anyway. People are the sum of their experiences, and I think the good experiences you and Brad shared probably add up to a lot more than the bad experience of your breakup. You are hurting a lot right now, but you will start to feel better soon, and will likely be grateful for the unique perspective you have gotten from having dated Brad.
I hope that is what will happen, anyway.
I think Jane said it quite well.
I'll add:
Sometimes, learning what you don't want is just as important as what you do want.
Silver linings...
I agree with the above, too. Of course the hurt is worth it (in the end). Your experiences make you who you are. You've learned valuable lessons from your relationship with Brad. Things you'll take with you into new relationships. Maybe you'll argue differently, maybe you'll listen better, maybe you'll be better at expressing what you need from someone - whatever it is you've learned, it's all important in one way or another. And the same goes for Brad. I'm sure he's learned some lessons here too - and hopefully he takes them to heart.
Whether it's comforting or not, several of the decisions you made over the past few years probably were made with Brad in mind, no? And, while I don't know you well enough to know if it's true, I'm sure some of those decisions you wouldn't take back, right? Trips, classes, friends made, movies watched - anything...
Life throws these things at us daily. Sometimes certain ones just suck way more than others. But everything happens for a reason. Someday you'll know exactly why Brad came and left your life when he did. And your mind (and heart) will be at peace.
This is my official nudge telling you to come back to DeMo. You've got unfinished business, woman. And there's an entire city that should hold zero memories of that certain ex.
Okay, maybe that was selfish. But still...
forget what he would have done--what would you have done? was it worth it anyway, knowing it would end some time? how does the six weeks of hurt measure up to any of the truly happy time you spent together? that's what you seem to be asking yourself, so, what do you think?
As much as I loathe certain ex-boyfriends or ex-friends, I do always think it was worth it to have them in my life. Each has always taught me some lesson about people and it makes me stronger.