Still sinking
Friday, August 1, 2008 at 10:29AM Things are getting worse around here. I’m not handling this well at all. Which is hard for me because I normally handle things pretty well. I don’t know how to do this.
I sent a desperate and pathetic email to Brad on Wednesday, I completely poured my heart out to him. When he finally wrote back later that day he only (I think intentionally) pushed me away. He said some things that were hard to read. And I realized some things about this break up that I wasn’t acknowledging before. Things aren’t the way I thought they were – they’re much much worse. I completely freaked out. I fell to the floor in my bedroom and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe.
I spent the evening and the next day with two of my sisters. I couldn’t face another day at work, another day of hiding the pain, choking back tears. I had to come home yesterday evening for my class, which I couldn’t miss. On the drive home I started having a break down. My stomach was a mess, like I was nervous but worse. I kept taking deep breaths so I didn’t pass out. My hands were shaking. Andrea told me I needed to call my doctor and try to get something for anxiety, so when I got home that’s the first thing I did. While I was on hold, I crumbled. I completely fell apart. I sobbed to the receptionist, asking her to get me in as soon as possible, but I couldn’t get an appointment until next Wednesday. When I hung up, I started choking on my sobs. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t sit still. I paced my house, trying to get control of myself. But I couldn’t. It was definitely a low point.
I went to class, but I left after an hour. I couldn’t sit there. I called my mom and drove straight to her house. She had some Xanax she could give me, and I knew I wouldn’t make it through the night (let alone the days until Wednesday) without something. She let me cry and talk to her, then I took a pill, went home and slept to forget my feelings. I’ve never taken anything like that before, I’ve never felt bad enough. But I need something to turn off my thoughts, make me functional and get me through the day. At least until enough time has passed and I can finally face this on my own. I can’t eat, I don’t sleep well, sometimes I can’t breathe. I feel like I never stop crying, and I can’t stop thinking. I have a final for my class, I have work, I have interviews. I need to be able to function.
I had to work today, but it isn’t easy. Everyone can tell something is wrong, but nobody knows and nobody asks. My supervisor asked how I was feeling since I didn’t come in yesterday, and I almost cried right in front of him, a person I never ever want to cry in front of.
All I can hope is that this is rock bottom and it’s only up from here. It’s been almost two weeks and I’ve gotten worse instead of better. I know there’s an end to this somewhere in my future, but that is small comfort when I can barely get through the day.
I hesitated to write any of this here because I’m no longer comfortable with Brad knowing how horrible I’m feeling when I know he is fine. I know you’ll all say that there’s no way Brad is totally fine, and I’m sure he’s feeling something. But this is what he wanted, this is what he wants. He did this because he would rather be alone (or with someone else) than with me. So maybe he hates that his needs are hurting me, but essentially he is fine. It hurts to know that the end of our relationship is a relief for him when it’s completely devastating for me.
He said I could talk to him any time I needed to and I didn’t need to feel bad because he wanted me to understand, and he wanted to do what he could to help me get through this. But when I turned to him in a weak moment, he told me the truth and he pushed me away. It hurt. It broke my heart all over again. But I can’t expect him to care for me when the whole point of doing this was to get away from me and focus on himself. He is ready to move on from me and probably has been for awhile in fact. So as much as it crushes me, I can’t expect him to miss me or help me. I hate knowing that.
And I don’t mind if he reads my blog – I make it public for anyone to read. But I thought twice about writing so honestly about my feelings now that I know exactly where he stands.
However, I didn’t want any of that to keep me from writing in my own space. You guys have helped me so much and I haven’t even said thank you yet. I know it sucks to come here each time I write and read another heart broken, tear-filled post. And I know it’s hard to say the same things over and over to a sad person who doesn’t seem to be hearing them. But each and every comment you have made has meant something to me. I hope you won’t abandon me while I find a way out of this sorrow. I’m told that eventually I’ll feel better, and even though that doesn’t help me right now, I believe it. So eventually this blog will get back to normal. But for now, I can only be honest about what this is doing to me.
While Brad is out there finding himself (and maybe finding someone else to love), I am losing myself. I’m losing control. I feel like I’m losing everything.
Reader Comments (14)
Oh Shannon, I had no idea how hard this was going for you. This makes me think of all the times that Trint and I have broken up. I had bottled so much inside that I was over it by the time I ended it and he was so devasted by it.
I wish there were some way I could help ease your pain. I'll pray for you, send warm and comforting hugs from afar, lend an ear, or even come visit if you want.
Hang on, girl. It's hard. You are a strong, beautiful woman, with so much to offer this world. You will survive this, you will be stronger for doing so. I know it's the last thing you want to think about right now, but something even greater will come along. Something even more amazing. why? because you are amazing and you deserve amazing. It's ok to hurt and lean on your friends and family. Just take things as they come, one day at a time. some days will be easier than others. build on those days, eventually there will be more easy days than hard days.
I have felt many of the same ways you are feeling, I wish I could do something for you. Sending hugs & warm thoughts.
Thinking about you.
I'm so glad you're back in GR now with your family.
Shan. I'm so sorry you are in this place right now. It's a feeling that I wish no one ever had to feel. I've felt similarly to how your are and I know it's hard, really hard. Back in college I had a similar experience to yours and all I can really say is, it will get better. When? That I'm not totally sure of...but eventually. Everyone is different.
You are so strong, and I've always admired you for that-I know you will get through this. If you need a friend to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm here-just call me. Sometimes just having someone listen is good medicine.
Keep your chin up-I'll be thinking about you. Love you!!
All these feelings are normal and I know that doesn'r make the situation any better. If you need to talk or do something to keep your mind off things, let me know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
its hard, its going to be hard for a while but bit by bit it will get easier and one day, you will be find yourself laughing and smiling and happy and you will be startled by it and then a little sad but nothing like this ... let yourself be broken hearted but know somewhere in there that its not always going to hurt and you will get through this ... i remember being so upset that it was all i could do to get through my days and there were days when it felt like i was watching myself from a distance, going through the motions ... but then life creeps back in ... time honey, it takes time ...
thinking about you ... much love, xo
I know a big part of your life is breaking away/is being lost. And I'm not even trying to minimize that. But I promise you that you aren't losing in the long run--you're gaining time and parts of your heart and your life back from someone who wasn't ready to give you what you wanted. You deserve someone who will give you what you want/as much as you do. And you might not think it now, but you will get that.
Take time to feel crappy. You will feel crappy. Heartache is the worst. Some days feel like they will never end. Some days you will cry and pace. But this too shall pass, Shan. And each day the load will get a little lighter. Maybe you won't even notice at first. All of a sudden, one day you will look back -- and still maybe feel a little pang--but you will realize how much better life is.
You have a whole army of people who are supporting you, so feel free to lean on us. You're not standing alone.
Hey Shan, I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. I wanted to let you know if you ever need a distraction for awhile, I'm always here. I have a good shoulder and ear, but I understand that since we haven't ever been that close, I'd probably be a more functional distraction, though a very willing shoulder. I wouldn't ask what you weren't willing to tell.
I completely understand if you don't come to book club, but I think it might be good to be surrounded by people who love you. We'd all love to see you there, since without you we wouldn't have it! Heck, how much is there to discuss in Marley and Me, maybe we should all ditch the book club this month and go see a movie like Sex in the City or something. :) And pick it back up when we read a book with more substance. ;)
I may have never gone through a break up, but i have hit bottom on a very different level. And the amazing thing is when you come out the other side, not instantly, but when you do, you'll find that somehow in all the tears and breakdowns your you again, but a stronger, wiser, you. You won't even realize it happened, till one day you think back and you can feel the growth in yourself. You'll feel sad for the old you and happy for the new you at the same time.
I'm glad you are sharing what's going on, because I know in my lowest point, I bottled everything up. And it came out in terribly different ways. Now, on the other end of it all, I am almost abnormally open. But I learned that not sharing your feelings, first off no one knows what's going on, and second it doesn't give people a chance to understand why you acted in a way, or worse yet, it doesn't give people a chance to show you how much they care about you.
I care a lot about you, and I have been praying for you.
I'm so sorry this sucks so much, but good for you for getting help from us, from family, and from medical people. You have a big batch of friends in your corner, all ready to "be there" for you IRL or virtually. It is OK to break down and feel wretched. As they say, "the only way to get through hell is to keep going." You WILL survive this.
I *highly* recommend that you ask Brad to stop reading your blog. You do need a space to vent/receive comfort, even if it is on the Internet, and you won't feel completely free to express yourself if you know he's reading. This is just part of the separation process.
Like I said before, you WILL survive this. Many hugs.
I'm continuing to send you lots of good thoughts during this period. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this. :(
You're such a strong and amazing woman and it WILL get easier. It makes sense that you're feeling worse now because everything is finally settling in and becoming real. You've had a terrible loss and you're grieving, but eventually it'll start to get a little bit easier, a little bit better. You're already doing amazingly well because you're turning to the support you need. It's so horrible and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Many hugs and support sent your way and I hope it starts getting better for you soon.
Hi there - One time when things were really not looking so hot in my life (major family issues) I felt completely broken, devastated and felt as if there was no way out of it. Someone told me, all of these feelings will eventually change or pass. Just reminding myself that it couldn't last forever, that that feeling was temporary, was a relief to me.
And I think you're very brave and appreciate your honesty on here so much. Hang in there!
This totally breaks my heart. I have been there and while it might not mean much now, I promise that it passes. Once you get through this rough patch, you will look back on this and remember that you are not the same person anymore. You will be stronger.
Thank you for sharing your grief; people will read this and know they're not alone.
Personally I'm a fan of the xanax, though grieving is, I think, really necessary. It's ok to cry! You're normal for reacting and there's a reason 'hysterical' is relaetd to 'hysterectomy'... we can endure the pain of birth but not of breakup for some reason. Women are strong!
It does seems that there are some things you don't actually know--whether he's fine, for example--and it seems good that you can clarify that with him rather than wonder about it, since he has said he's up for talking.
Also, although you say you're losing control, it sounds like you are still in some kind of control... you grieved with your mum, yet held it together for your supervisor. And you _wrote_ about it. All very good things!