Mixed-up match
Tuesday, November 18, 2008 at 08:14AM Here’s a funny story. I signed up for Match last month, as you know, and Match has several different ways that you can find people. One of those ways is to do a straight-up search—enter your criteria (can they smoke? can they be Catholic? can they have voted for McCain? etc.) and then scroll through the returns. During my first couple days as a subscriber, I did one such search, and I was very specific, figuring I could expand later if necessary.
So I’m scrolling through my matches and there on page three, guess who I saw. Brad. Yes, ex-boyfriend Brad. Ex-boyfriend Brad who I was with for over three years but with whom, in the end, I couldn’t make a long-lasting relationship. Yeah that Brad. An yeah, it was odd.
Mostly I was bewildered. Not sad or shocked or upset. Just like "holy shit there’s Brad." He was one face, a familiar face, in a sea of strange faces. It was… odd. Have I said that yet?
Back when we were dating, whenever an eHarmony or Match commercial came on, I’d ponder aloud, "I wonder if we’d match up on one of those." Well, sure enough. Now we know.
I immediately emailed him and said that it’s been confirmed, we’re a 90% match. But I also quipped that we’re obviously evidence that a couple that looks good on paper doesn’t necessarily translate into a lifelong relationship. However, it did give me hope. If this website can match me up to someone with whom I had a great multi-year relationship, then surely it could find me some people to have fun with. Maybe even fall in love with?
Turns out Brad signed up a couple months ago on a whim, but hasn’t revisited the site since. He didn’t pay any of the fees and hasn’t been using it to date. Despite his inactivity, he has shown up in my daily emailed matches one or twice since I first encountered his profile. Every time it’s still very odd to his face mixed in with strangers. I don’t know anything about any of those other people. And I know just about everything about him. Odd.
It’s just so bizarre that we would be this great couple until one day we just couldn’t make it work anymore. And then we break up, and it hurts like hell. And a few months later we both get on Match to find someone new. And we find each other.
It was actually during this incident—the original one where he showed up in my search—that I knew how far I had come since the breakup. Before I knew he was not actually active on Match, I could only assume that he was dating and had been for awhile. To find that out and be okay with it… that’s a world away from where I was only a month earlier. And the fact that I could not only be okay with that, but go so far as to email him and ask if he’s had any luck yet? I mean come on, back in August I never would have believed you if you told I’d be doing that in October. I probably would have hit you.
But now I totally see that you were right. And it feels pretty fucking good.
Reader Comments (14)
It's that last 10% that really counts, I guess. I knew you'd be okay. I'm glad you know it now too. :)
Holy crap - that is weird! I've often wondered that before as well.
And I'm happy to read how far you've moved on!
Congratulations! i cannot wait to be at that point. It doesnt seem like it will be anytime soon but im sure one day. Isn't that weird how we never think it could happen that we'd be ok with our exes dating, but then we do?
That is SO odd. It's making me uncomfortable actually; imagining myself in the situation.
But I'm glad you can be okay with it. It's good to hear.
My brother is on match.com, if you are willing to travel to NY for your dates ;)
I am really impressed with how you handled that. I still have trouble with hearing about the ex that came before my husband, and I just denied his friendship request on facebook.I am a small, petty woman.
That's pretty funny. :) I'm glad you took it as a good thing. I probably would have been shocked and get upset all over again.
Wowwww....talk about weird....I am proud of you that it hasn't brought a pang to your heart. I wouldn't have been as big a person as you for sure. Add this to the mountain of reasons why I think you're amazing.
Yea Shannon! (well, at least in reference to the closing statement).
When I was on Match, I'd get the weekly emails with 6 (?) guys I "matched" up with. And almost every single time that list included my ex, the one who said he never wanted to be married or have kids, ever. Seeing him there, his profile giving every indication that he was looking for long-term, made me want to weep even though I truly felt over him. Even now it makes me cringe. You're much more level-headed than I am, Shan. You've come so, so far and I'm so happy for you.
oh my gosh ~ that would so be something that would happen to me !! :) so wonderful to hear you like this, strong and beautiful :)
whoa! very bizarre!
What a weird situation! And I'm so happy for you that you're feeling happy once again!
The hubby and I met online - so, I'm at least one success story you can put in the back of your mind. E-mailed for a few weeks, met, dated 8 months, Engaged for 10 months, married for 2.5 years.
We lived in the same city or within 10 miles of each our whole lives. We went to the same college. We even had a couple mutual friends. Yet we never met until after I graduated. And we met online. :)
Just an FYI that I'm fairly sure it's possible to block someone from coming up in searches. It can feel creepy no matter how over things you are - and you really don't need to know whether they're online or when they last logged in or what have you.
[...] Apparently you guys didn’t find my “friend in common” thing very strange. Which, I guess in this small world it’s really not that weird. And really, it’s not so much the coincidence that I find so odd, it’s the way it made me feel when I discovered we were talking about the same Brad. It felt very revealing - I think your past relationships can say a lot about you. I even said to him, my date, that despite all our previous conversations, I felt like he knew more about me after the Brad realization than any time before. Which really wasn’t a bad thing, it just felt… bewildering. I’ve been bewildered a lot lately (I think I used that word to describe my reaction to seeing Brad on match). [...]