Friday
Jun082007
Love and marriage: Lessons from a plane ride
Friday, June 8, 2007 at 11:38AM
On the last leg of my recent trip, the flight from Denver to Detroit, I sat near an interesting woman. She slept throughout most of the flight but woke up in plenty of time to completely tear apart and discredit my relationship with Brad. She was telling me about some list, a list that tells you whether or not your man really loves you. She listed all the criteria, and even though Brad passed with flying colors, she still insisted that we weren't for real.
Why? Because I had no ring on my finger. We're not married after two years, we're not even engaged, and what! he hasn't even given me a promise ring (uh please)? Then something is amiss and I need to jump from this train heading nowhere. Fast.
I explained that I am putting off marriage just as much as Brad, and that we're doing that so as to not make the same mistakes almost every single other person in our lives have made. That didn't help. She then decided the fact that I'm not interested in getting married means that I don't really love him. We just don't love each other, bottom line.
We went on like this until I was walking off the plane and she was waiting to get her carry-on out of the overhead compartment. Before I left though I got her email address and said I'd write her when I either a) get married to Brad, or b) break up with him. I actually emailed her earlier this week so gmail would store her address, and she emailed me back to say that despite her grilling, by the end of the flight I had convinced her that Brad really was a "List Man."
Which prompted me to look into the so called List. Turns out she was talking about a book called The List: 7 Ways to Tell if He's Going to Marry You in 30 Days or Less. Oh I see, this list tells me if he's going to marry me, not if he really loves me. This is a book for women who desperately want to get married, not necessarily for those of us who want a meaningful relationship with a man who loves us. Two totally different things. For the lucky ones, they're synonymous, but in reality, people get married for all kinds of reasons, often the least of which are love and devotion.
So basically this lady was saying that because we weren't married yet, didn't want to be married yet, and weren't planning to be married anytime soon, then something was wrong with our relationship. But why? Does love always have to equal marriage?
My sister told me a story about a couple she met on a recent flight. They were celebrating their 40th anniversary by flying out west and getting married. For the first time. They were together 40 years before they decided to get hitched, yet somehow my relationship isn't real because we aren't married after two.
I don't think my plane lady meant any harm, she was actually really funny and energetic. But I wonder why so many people assume that if you're in love, you get married and if you're married, you're in love. I love Brad, and yes I'll probably get married someday, and yes probably to Brad. But why did I feel like I had to work so hard to defend our relationship the way it is now?
The funniest part is that at some point this lady had been married to someone who wasn't exactly a "List Man," and she divorced him ten years later. And during the trip from which she was then returning, she had had herself a little vacation fling. I think that was point: she had waited around for some guy to marry her, he finally did and they eventually divorced, and now she's having the time of her life. I think she wanted me to either get married or realize it wasn't gonna happen and start having fun. Well thanks, but I am having fun. And I'm not even married. Imagine!
Why? Because I had no ring on my finger. We're not married after two years, we're not even engaged, and what! he hasn't even given me a promise ring (uh please)? Then something is amiss and I need to jump from this train heading nowhere. Fast.
I explained that I am putting off marriage just as much as Brad, and that we're doing that so as to not make the same mistakes almost every single other person in our lives have made. That didn't help. She then decided the fact that I'm not interested in getting married means that I don't really love him. We just don't love each other, bottom line.
We went on like this until I was walking off the plane and she was waiting to get her carry-on out of the overhead compartment. Before I left though I got her email address and said I'd write her when I either a) get married to Brad, or b) break up with him. I actually emailed her earlier this week so gmail would store her address, and she emailed me back to say that despite her grilling, by the end of the flight I had convinced her that Brad really was a "List Man."
Which prompted me to look into the so called List. Turns out she was talking about a book called The List: 7 Ways to Tell if He's Going to Marry You in 30 Days or Less. Oh I see, this list tells me if he's going to marry me, not if he really loves me. This is a book for women who desperately want to get married, not necessarily for those of us who want a meaningful relationship with a man who loves us. Two totally different things. For the lucky ones, they're synonymous, but in reality, people get married for all kinds of reasons, often the least of which are love and devotion.
So basically this lady was saying that because we weren't married yet, didn't want to be married yet, and weren't planning to be married anytime soon, then something was wrong with our relationship. But why? Does love always have to equal marriage?
My sister told me a story about a couple she met on a recent flight. They were celebrating their 40th anniversary by flying out west and getting married. For the first time. They were together 40 years before they decided to get hitched, yet somehow my relationship isn't real because we aren't married after two.
I don't think my plane lady meant any harm, she was actually really funny and energetic. But I wonder why so many people assume that if you're in love, you get married and if you're married, you're in love. I love Brad, and yes I'll probably get married someday, and yes probably to Brad. But why did I feel like I had to work so hard to defend our relationship the way it is now?
The funniest part is that at some point this lady had been married to someone who wasn't exactly a "List Man," and she divorced him ten years later. And during the trip from which she was then returning, she had had herself a little vacation fling. I think that was point: she had waited around for some guy to marry her, he finally did and they eventually divorced, and now she's having the time of her life. I think she wanted me to either get married or realize it wasn't gonna happen and start having fun. Well thanks, but I am having fun. And I'm not even married. Imagine!
Reader Comments (6)
Ahhh...so that's the list eh? I tried looking it up the other day when we were talking about it and I think that is what I had come up with in searching.
Found this commentary on it http://www.abqtrib.com/albq/op_commentaries/article/0,2565,ALBQ_19866_4682739,00.html.
Interesting but it does seem rather common sense. Though, to me, those first 30 days are the fluttery butterfly days. You're all swept away and into each other because it's so new. Some of that, regardless, tends to fade over time. Of course, it may just be that I haven't found that real winner yet either. Who knows.
I'm 45, never married. When people are rude enough to ask me about it, I tell them that I'm not getting married until gay people can marry - I'm not so much unmarried as BOYCOTTING marriage. That shuts 'em up, usually.
Sounds like madame has been reading too much Cosmo.
The List reminds me of a short story in Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing. Have you read it?
Yeah I've read it. I don't remember it though. The story you're referring to that is.
this so made me giggle : )