Thursday
Apr122007
Need a lift
Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 06:41AM
In the last few weeks I've felt myself slipping. Back in December I wrote about a heavy greyness that was consuming my life, but a couple months later I was starting to turn things around. I started walking regularly, tried to eat better, and looked into ways to get out of the parts of my current situation that I don't like. When the weather started to turn, I even felt happy and hopeful. But in the past few weeks I could feel all of that slipping away, I could feel the heavy greyness clawing its way back. I fought it the best I could, knowing I didn't want to be the person I had been during those dark months.
But today I feel the worst I've felt in a long time. It took every ounce of will power I had to get out of bed this morning. It actually sounded more appealing to be jobless and homeless than to sit one more day at my desk. Then later in the morning I had to run an errand for work and I stopped at home to grab something I had forgotten. Brad was still sleeping, warm and cozy in our bed, a place I had been forced to leave two hours ago. And the sight of this managed to take away my will to persist. I hated life at that moment.
I didn't hate Brad, I know it's not his fault (though I usually take it out on him). He has a more flexible schedule and if I were him, I'd probably take advantage of that the same way he does. But if you're not a morning person, have you ever had to get up every single day, hours before you're ready, while the person next to you continued to sleep? Every. Single. Day. It eats away at your soul. Mine at least.
So after a few blunt words with Brad, I continued on my errand. As soon as I got in the car, I broke down and cried. I cried all the way to my destination. I hate feeling this way again, so full of rage and sadness. I wanted to stop the car and just sit. Sit and sit and sit. And not move. Not finish my errand, not go back to work, not explain to Brad why I was short with him, not call the pharmacy again to fill my birth control prescription again, not figure out what to eat for lunch again, not figure out what to have for dinner again, not answer calls and emails, not balance my checkbook, not figure out what to do next with my life. I didn't want to do any of it.
And I hate that I know I shouldn't feel this way. I'm lucky to be employed, to have food and shelter, to have a boyfriend and family. I try to count my blessings all the time, but sometimes the greyness is stronger. Sometimes my head feels so heavy, my arms feel so heavy, my feet feel heavy, my hair even. I don't think I can carry myself around anymore.
What I need is a mood-booster. A spirit-lifter. Is this when people do yoga? Meditate? Is there a pill I can take in times like these? A song I can listen to? A person I can talk to?
I don't have any of those. Or if I've tried them, they don't work. I haven't found anything that helps lift me out of a funk, so I just let it eat at me until I'm so devoured that I don't even care.
What do you do? How can I get through this day?
But today I feel the worst I've felt in a long time. It took every ounce of will power I had to get out of bed this morning. It actually sounded more appealing to be jobless and homeless than to sit one more day at my desk. Then later in the morning I had to run an errand for work and I stopped at home to grab something I had forgotten. Brad was still sleeping, warm and cozy in our bed, a place I had been forced to leave two hours ago. And the sight of this managed to take away my will to persist. I hated life at that moment.
I didn't hate Brad, I know it's not his fault (though I usually take it out on him). He has a more flexible schedule and if I were him, I'd probably take advantage of that the same way he does. But if you're not a morning person, have you ever had to get up every single day, hours before you're ready, while the person next to you continued to sleep? Every. Single. Day. It eats away at your soul. Mine at least.
So after a few blunt words with Brad, I continued on my errand. As soon as I got in the car, I broke down and cried. I cried all the way to my destination. I hate feeling this way again, so full of rage and sadness. I wanted to stop the car and just sit. Sit and sit and sit. And not move. Not finish my errand, not go back to work, not explain to Brad why I was short with him, not call the pharmacy again to fill my birth control prescription again, not figure out what to eat for lunch again, not figure out what to have for dinner again, not answer calls and emails, not balance my checkbook, not figure out what to do next with my life. I didn't want to do any of it.
And I hate that I know I shouldn't feel this way. I'm lucky to be employed, to have food and shelter, to have a boyfriend and family. I try to count my blessings all the time, but sometimes the greyness is stronger. Sometimes my head feels so heavy, my arms feel so heavy, my feet feel heavy, my hair even. I don't think I can carry myself around anymore.
What I need is a mood-booster. A spirit-lifter. Is this when people do yoga? Meditate? Is there a pill I can take in times like these? A song I can listen to? A person I can talk to?
I don't have any of those. Or if I've tried them, they don't work. I haven't found anything that helps lift me out of a funk, so I just let it eat at me until I'm so devoured that I don't even care.
What do you do? How can I get through this day?
in Brad, So Annoyed
Brad, So Annoyed
Reader Comments (9)
You and I are going away - the next weekend I have off and you are available!!! Over the past few months my 'weekend getaways' are the only thing that have manintained my sanity....it is so empowering to have the ability to take yourself out of 'grey' situation and just BE for a couple of days. SO - big sis, we are going - no questions asked!!!
Oh, Shannon, I feel so bad that you are feeling this way! You need something to look forward to. That's what my counselor tells me when I get into these funks. Oh, and that's what I did, I went to counselling. (as if you didn't know that already)
this sounds eerily like the post i made this morning. and possibly even at the exact same time as you made yours (time zones elude me, so i'm not even going to look into it).
i've been in a dark place these past few weeks too. and i had quite a tearful breakdown last night. i need to refill my happy meds, but i can't afford it. and when i realize that i could potentially improve my mood with a few pills but that i can't because of my finances, it only makes me feel more blue.
i wish you were out here. it'd be nice to have a friend i could relate to on this level, outside the blogosphere.
i hate it when the grey weighs me down ~ the same thing never works in the same way for me but lately i have been learning to just embrace it, acknowledge that is where i am at for the moment, know that past experience tells me it will not linger forever (knock on wood). i'll spend time writing about it, skipping poetry stones on paper, taking my camera out and taking photos, forcing myself to view the world around me. i think i am trying to be more at peace with my depression when it knocks, letting it in and deciding to use it in my creativity.
sending you hugs and warmth and care ...
oh and i wanted to say, i am learning as in this is currently what i'm trying and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but i think that talking about it, acknowledging it is somewhat helpful ...
counseling can be a really good thing and that has helped me many times in the past ...
One word. Sunshine. It can seriously change your whole outlook on life in one bright and shiny afternoon. I've heard the midwest is getting hit with some serious nasty weather lately which can't help your current mood.
I think the best thing you can do is pay attention to what triggers your moods. If you can figure out what causes them, they have the tendancy to loose their potency. Plus, you may figure out ways to combat it. Yoga works for some, but writing, poetry, photography, or vacationing work for others. Figure out what works for you. That's part of the "fun" part of growing up!
I hope you feel better soon. Maybe a couple days of doing nothing but reading and vegging might do the trick. Oh, and waiting for the sun to shine. :)
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you guys.
734-730-1396
Btw, I apparenlty dont' have your current number.
You need a vacation!!! Good news for you is you have one coming up!! can't wait to see you. :) Also, a nice dr. pepper (or what is it for you? pepsi? early, is a fun pick me up).