Friday
Nov232007
Losing enthusiasm
Friday, November 23, 2007 at 10:04AM
I've been really unenthusiastic about school lately. It's not just because of the break this week; it started a few weeks ago. What I've realized, I think, is that I don't like school so much when I have to work full time. I loved high school, and I loved college. Not just for the social aspects of each, but also because I loved to learn. When I first started contemplating a return to school, I was enthusiastic because I remembered loving it so much in the past. I was excited to learn again, to be in a classroom, to think about things in new ways.
It's been less than a semester and I'm already over it. And I really believe it's because this time I'm a full-time employee and part-time student. Not that I wasn't busy during my undergrad studies---actually I was probably more busy than I am right now. I worked multiple jobs sometimes, took at least 15 or 16 credits, got involved with whatever was interesting. But I was a student, that was the main thing I was doing. That was the most important thing. Now school is secondary. Primarily I'm an employee in the professional full-time world, and I squeeze school in where I can.
I hate to admit it to myself, but I'm not really enjoying it. Sometimes I enjoy my classes because my fellow students can be funny, and occassionally I'll read something for class that I find genuinely intersting. But for the most part, I'm really not feeling it. Which is bad because right now is when I need to really crack down and start taking my final research projects seriously. That's hard though when those activities are very near the bottom of my Things I Want to Do List. Right above eating cow testicles, and right below shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
Honestly, I've kind of been questioning if I should even stick to this program. Eek! I haven't said that out loud yet. I just found out that something I've been recently looking into, something that I think I might be interested in doing as a job, requires an entirely different degree! So what if I get half way through this program and realize I do in fact want to do that other thing, and I have to start all over? What if I quit working on this degree only to realize in a year that in fact I do want to pursue a career in this field, and now I've just wasted a year of doing nothing? I put off graduate school for over three years already because I wanted to be sure about what it is I wanted to pursue. Now here I am, in graduate school, and I find I'm still not sure.
Am I wasting my time? Does anybody ever really know what they want to do? Should I put school on hold until I figure this shit out? Should I keep going until I decide for sure this isn't what I want to do? Either way, how do I get enthusiastic about this or any other program? I'm not just stressed and overwhelmed... I'm apathetic. That's not gonna carry me through two more years.
It's been less than a semester and I'm already over it. And I really believe it's because this time I'm a full-time employee and part-time student. Not that I wasn't busy during my undergrad studies---actually I was probably more busy than I am right now. I worked multiple jobs sometimes, took at least 15 or 16 credits, got involved with whatever was interesting. But I was a student, that was the main thing I was doing. That was the most important thing. Now school is secondary. Primarily I'm an employee in the professional full-time world, and I squeeze school in where I can.
I hate to admit it to myself, but I'm not really enjoying it. Sometimes I enjoy my classes because my fellow students can be funny, and occassionally I'll read something for class that I find genuinely intersting. But for the most part, I'm really not feeling it. Which is bad because right now is when I need to really crack down and start taking my final research projects seriously. That's hard though when those activities are very near the bottom of my Things I Want to Do List. Right above eating cow testicles, and right below shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
Honestly, I've kind of been questioning if I should even stick to this program. Eek! I haven't said that out loud yet. I just found out that something I've been recently looking into, something that I think I might be interested in doing as a job, requires an entirely different degree! So what if I get half way through this program and realize I do in fact want to do that other thing, and I have to start all over? What if I quit working on this degree only to realize in a year that in fact I do want to pursue a career in this field, and now I've just wasted a year of doing nothing? I put off graduate school for over three years already because I wanted to be sure about what it is I wanted to pursue. Now here I am, in graduate school, and I find I'm still not sure.
Am I wasting my time? Does anybody ever really know what they want to do? Should I put school on hold until I figure this shit out? Should I keep going until I decide for sure this isn't what I want to do? Either way, how do I get enthusiastic about this or any other program? I'm not just stressed and overwhelmed... I'm apathetic. That's not gonna carry me through two more years.
Reader Comments (3)
I don't know if I can offer any good advice, but I've been in your shoes more times than I care to remember. If you're losing motivation and aren't sure if the program is right for you, perhaps you would benefit from taking a semester off.
I changed my major four times when I was an undergrad. It was sort of like going through a string of loser boyfriends before finding the one that was right for me. The ironic thing is the major I graduated with was the major I originally declared when I was a freshman.
It's very hard to separate lethargy about school with lethargy about subject matter. Bottom line is that grad school is much less engaging than college, in large part because you have lots of other stuff going on (namely a job) and the subject matter is specialized. You don't have that random History of Yoga or Haitian Pop Culture to mix up the dreariness.
I would strongly advise against taking a semester off, and instead focus on whether the field you've chosen is broad enough to apply to other jobs (even if not directly related to what you set out to eventually do). Having a master's (no matter what in) is an advantage is any job search. Plus, you'll always be paid more than if you just have a B.A. Can you check out jobs in the field you want to try out, and see if they require a master's? Talk to professors/advisors about what you're experiencing? Talk to other people who have completed the degree and see where they are and whether it was worth it?
I hated my MBA program and complained about it constantly. Now I am SO glad I did it. I automatically get paid more and the degree is useful to almost any job.
I finished a PhD that I am not currently using (and they don't "automatically pay me more" because I have it). I should have dropped out after my master's degree when I realized that 1) there were no jobs and 2) I wasn't interested in the jobs there were. No one can tell you what to do, no one can tell what your future holds. You're going to have to do some real soul searching, but I think if you're not interested in the work, you know what you should do.