Monday
Jan082007
Shrinking myself to fit
Monday, January 8, 2007 at 11:45AM
I read somewhere recently a line about a girl who was "shrinking herself to fit" into the relationship she had with her boyfriend. This was in one of the many novels I've read in the last couple months, so I don't remember the exact circumstances being described, but that phrase---shrinking herself to fit---has stuck with me. When I read it, I immediately thought of my life.
In the book, it was the girl's relationship that she was shrinking to fit into, which isn't the case for me. But for quite some time I've been internally struggling with why I don't feel quite right about my life right now. And the more I struggle to find the answer, the worse it gets. Maybe like trying to put out an oil fire with water... it only gets bigger and more dangerous.
What's the problem? Why can't I be as happy as I once was? I have so much to be happy about, so many of the things I thought I wanted. How do I describe what I feel?
So when I read that line, my heart stopped. That. That is how I feel. As thankful as I am for all the blessings I have, and as great as my life is, I can't help but feel like I'm shrinking myself to fit into it.
This is not to be confused with the feeling that I'm too good for this life or that I deserve better. This is not the same as someone who deserves to live in a house, but, due to unavoidable circumstance, sleeps on the streets. I'm not too good for my life, I'm not more important than anyone else in this world, I just don't quite fit into the circumstances I'm currently in.
Who does though right? Aren't we all forced to accept where we're at, take what we can get and make the best of it? Doesn't everybody feel a little uncomfortable in their life, don't we all search endlessly for something that feels more...right?
Maybe. Probably. But I'm not ready to accept that I need to shrink myself down, shrink my mind and my potential, minimize my emotions to fit into this life.
Since I graduated high school, I've moved around a lot, always trying something new, always doing the thing that made me most happy at the time. The longest I stayed in one place was 10 months without making at least a temporary move or change. I changed schools when I was no longer happy where I started; I traveled around the west in a pickup truck with three other people for a month when I needed to get away; I lived in Wyoming twice; I moved home a few times when I needed to be close to my family. And I felt good about all those things. Sometimes I was scared about making a big change, but I knew that doing something was more important than being scared.
The way I lived my life during that period was with the 'big picture' in mind. I had to make decisions that not only seemed the most appropriate for now, but ones that I would be happy with ten, twenty, fifty years from now. On my death bed, I didn't want to regret doing or not doing something, so I kept all that in mind with every change I made.
Now I seem to have forgetten what that felt like. I've been in this town, in this city, at this job for almost three years. And while so much of it is practical (career path, good job, great benefits, affordable apartment), I constantly have to convince myself that this is good. I have to block out thoughts of dropping it all and moving to Europe. I have to remind myself to make wise decisions, repeating all the reasons: the economy is bad, there may not be a job for you anywhere else, you're lucky to have a job, you're lucky to have health insurance, you need to keep building up your 401k, your next boss might be awful, you'll be just as lonely anywhere you move. I accept this life because I'm fortunate to have it, and I probably have no right to complain.
But...I finally realize that I have to shrink myself to fit into this life.
I'm not looking for big changes. I'm much too logical a person to quit my job and backpack through Europe until my last dime is spent. But Brad and I talk almost daily about what changes to make, if any. About how to find a life that I can fit into, as well as him.
It's not that I'm getting too big for my britches, as they say. But maybe my britches have shrunk, and I no longer fit into them. I refuse to shrink too.
(Forgive the terrible use of cliche. At least I still have my sense of humor!)
In the book, it was the girl's relationship that she was shrinking to fit into, which isn't the case for me. But for quite some time I've been internally struggling with why I don't feel quite right about my life right now. And the more I struggle to find the answer, the worse it gets. Maybe like trying to put out an oil fire with water... it only gets bigger and more dangerous.
What's the problem? Why can't I be as happy as I once was? I have so much to be happy about, so many of the things I thought I wanted. How do I describe what I feel?
So when I read that line, my heart stopped. That. That is how I feel. As thankful as I am for all the blessings I have, and as great as my life is, I can't help but feel like I'm shrinking myself to fit into it.
This is not to be confused with the feeling that I'm too good for this life or that I deserve better. This is not the same as someone who deserves to live in a house, but, due to unavoidable circumstance, sleeps on the streets. I'm not too good for my life, I'm not more important than anyone else in this world, I just don't quite fit into the circumstances I'm currently in.
Who does though right? Aren't we all forced to accept where we're at, take what we can get and make the best of it? Doesn't everybody feel a little uncomfortable in their life, don't we all search endlessly for something that feels more...right?
Maybe. Probably. But I'm not ready to accept that I need to shrink myself down, shrink my mind and my potential, minimize my emotions to fit into this life.
Since I graduated high school, I've moved around a lot, always trying something new, always doing the thing that made me most happy at the time. The longest I stayed in one place was 10 months without making at least a temporary move or change. I changed schools when I was no longer happy where I started; I traveled around the west in a pickup truck with three other people for a month when I needed to get away; I lived in Wyoming twice; I moved home a few times when I needed to be close to my family. And I felt good about all those things. Sometimes I was scared about making a big change, but I knew that doing something was more important than being scared.
The way I lived my life during that period was with the 'big picture' in mind. I had to make decisions that not only seemed the most appropriate for now, but ones that I would be happy with ten, twenty, fifty years from now. On my death bed, I didn't want to regret doing or not doing something, so I kept all that in mind with every change I made.
Now I seem to have forgetten what that felt like. I've been in this town, in this city, at this job for almost three years. And while so much of it is practical (career path, good job, great benefits, affordable apartment), I constantly have to convince myself that this is good. I have to block out thoughts of dropping it all and moving to Europe. I have to remind myself to make wise decisions, repeating all the reasons: the economy is bad, there may not be a job for you anywhere else, you're lucky to have a job, you're lucky to have health insurance, you need to keep building up your 401k, your next boss might be awful, you'll be just as lonely anywhere you move. I accept this life because I'm fortunate to have it, and I probably have no right to complain.
But...I finally realize that I have to shrink myself to fit into this life.
I'm not looking for big changes. I'm much too logical a person to quit my job and backpack through Europe until my last dime is spent. But Brad and I talk almost daily about what changes to make, if any. About how to find a life that I can fit into, as well as him.
It's not that I'm getting too big for my britches, as they say. But maybe my britches have shrunk, and I no longer fit into them. I refuse to shrink too.
(Forgive the terrible use of cliche. At least I still have my sense of humor!)
in Just stuff
Just stuff
Reader Comments (3)
Two things came to mind when I read this. Well, three, really. This is how I feel everyday of my life as well. My "life helping friend" is kind of helping me look forward, helping me to see the glass half full instead of half empty more often, to set goals so that I can see that there is hope, there is a future and it is attainable.
So maybe try to set a couple of goals. I think you are the type of person that can set and stick to goals. Maybe a goal to save x amount of dollars so that you and Brad can go on a whirlwind trip. Maybe set a goal to apply for 5 jobs by the end of the month. I don't know. But giving yourself something to look forward to might help.
Second, this is a story that my "life help friend" gave me:
http://www.storybin.com/wisdom/wisdom104.shtml.
As is this:
Risk
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing, have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live.
Only a person who risks is truly free.
You are a risk taker which is admirable in my book.
Thanks Jess. The thing is, that Station story... I've always known that. Somehow I've always known that there was no one destination, which is why I've never been satisfied for long in any one place or circumstance. Basically I've been stuck at this station in life for too long, I'm ready to get back on the train and move on.
The risk part, that's something I've gotten worse at. The older I get, the more cautious I get. But I know I need to let go a little, be willing to fail.
Girl, we gotta start walking so we can talk about all this stuff!
I swear to God, I think everyone feels the exact same way sometimes. I've never commented before, but I like your blog from the handful of entries I've read. Believe me, you are far from being alone on this one!