Have you heard of mint.com? Trying to save for a wedding has really opened my eyes to my money situation. I’ve managed to skate by every month, but sometimes barely, so trying to save a certain amount of money in a set amount of time has posed a major challenge, and it was a big wake up call.

For a long time the Giraffe has been suggesting we set a budget, or at least get a better idea of where our money goes. I’m pretty frugal, but I’m not good at sticking to a budget. Life is too messy and unpredictable for that. But it did make sense to get a better idea of how I spend my money.

Enter my friend Robin (of recent weddinghood), who told me about mint.com. It connects to all your loans, accounts, credit cards, etc. and keeps track of your spending, your savings and your financial goals.

When you get started, you tell mint where your stuff is (accounts, loans, all that), it connects to that site, asks for your login/account info, and pulls in all your information. Once all your stuff is gathered, you can set up a budget and financial goals.

Then there’s all kinds of fun graphs and charts and stuff that help you visual your spending. So when you charge $10 at McDonald’s, mint.com recognizes that you just spent $10 in the “Fast Food” category. And you can change the categories as needed. If you spend $50 at Target, mint might categorize that under “Personal Care” but you know you actually bought a gift for a friend’s wedding shower, so you change it to “Gifts” next time you log in.

You can also set goals. Like, say, for instance you want to save $2,000 for a wedding by June. Tell mint and it’ll help you figure out how and keep track of how well you’re doing. I haven’t figured out if you can merge two accounts though. Since the Giraffe and I are saving for the wedding together, it’d be nice to look at all of our accounts and savings as a whole. Anyone know if it’s possible?

If you want a better picture of your financial situation, you should check it out. It’s all free, the website is easy to use and pretty to look at, and I think it’s pretty safe and secure.

[I'm not getting paid in any way to promote this site, I just thought it might be useful to others.]

[Also posted at Shan & Mike.]

One of my very best friends in the world (Robin) got married this past Saturday. You should check it out. And even if you don’t care about their wedding, there’s a bonus picture of me rocking out to “It Must Have Been Love” that’ll make your click worth it.

Big weekend coming up. My dear friend Robin is getting married on Saturday, and it’s a whole wedding weekend extravaganza. Mike and I are Master and Mistress (I’m a Mistress!) of Ceremonies, so we have a lot of responsibilities. Starting tomorrow morning it’s full-on wedding mode.

This is the girl who, at many points, truly believed she might be alone forever. She did have a pretty rough romantic road, but Jason, her almost-husband, is pretty frickin’ awesome. They are very lucky to have each other. In January Robin and I moved out of the apartment we shared, and she moved far far away (about an hour) from me to be with Jason. Oh how I miss her. But also, oh happy I am for her!

And did I mention that I’m giving a toast? Yeah. So that’ll be fun nerve-wracking. Wish me luck! And also them!

I’m sorry but I have GOT to talk about the damn Tomato Wars again. Seriously, this is getting out of control. They’re everywhere! EV-UH-REE-WHERE.

Case in Point (1):
At the dinner segment of a bachelorette party last weekend and my friend scoured the menu for something that did not require any omissions. She didn’t want to have to do the whole “Can I have the Blah Blah with no yadda” thing, so she ordered a sandwich whose description did not include any offenders. Sandwich comes – big giant slices of tomato all over it. That she had to pick off. And that were not on the menu’s description of the sandwich. Offender!!

Case in Point (2):
At lunch with a different friend. I ordered a gourmet grilled cheese that boasted three kinds of cheese and chopped basil on ciabatta. Yum. Sandwich comes and it is slathered in diced tomatoes. I’m talking someone took two ice cream scoops full of diced tomatoes and plopped one on each half of the grilled cheese. It took me half my lunch just to scrape them all off and out of the many ciabatta crevasses. Offender!

Since when are tomatoes a garnish you don’t have to mention? I’ve used the “I’m allergic” excuse before to get someone to remake something for me, but usually I just scrape and grumble. But what if I really was allergic? What about those people who are? Can they not count on menu descriptions anymore? Must they ask about tomatoes on every dish they order?

Tuna salad: Does it have tomatoes?
Fried chicken: No tomatoes right?
Belgian waffles: Are you sure it doesn’t come with tomatoes?
Creme Bruleé: No tomatoes please.

If I ever open a restaurant, I’m going to make it a Tomato Free Zone. Tomato byproducts are ok—gotta have my ketchup. But tomatoes diced, sliced, chopped or whole? Those offenders are BANNED!

This month I have a bachelorette party or wedding every Saturday. Every single one. I told you this was the year of the wedding, but this month it’s wedding overload.

On August 1, I attended a bachelorette slash lingerie party for one of my best friends, Erica. We went to her sister’s house, ate and drank, pored over her newly acquired copy of the kama sutra,  made her model  some of her new frilly garb, and played silly games. We had a good time.

A week later, it was time to celebrate my sister’s impending marriage. She’s with child, as they say, so we had planned a spa day complete with pedicures and massages, but at the last minute (read: two days before) we scrapped that idea and started to plan a day in the sun. And then it poured rain all day. So that was fun. We made the best of it though. Met for coffee bright and early, then had fun trying on our bridesmaid dresses at the tailor. We also went to Michael’s and figured out creative ways to make hairpieces and jewelry. Then we went to my dad’s (who took the kids elsewhere), made piles of food, mixed some drinks, embarrassed Andrea and hung out all day sans sun.

This Saturday is Erica’s wedding, and next Saturday is my sister’s wedding – I’m going up to the location Thursday after work and staying until Sunday evening. And on the 29th I’m going to the wedding of a coworker/friend.

But oh no, we’re not done after that. My other best friend, Robin, has a shower (that I have to miss) and a bachelorette party in September. And her wedding is in October. I’m the Mistress of her Ceremony and also in charge of a toast.

And by the way, my little sister, my baby sister (not the 8-year old though) recently proposed to her boyfriend. She’s getting married in July.

Holy shit matrimony!

Here’s my next high school treasure. This is actually something my friend Erica found in her boxes of junk, and because she felt guilty throwing it away, I promised her I’d post it here so we’d always have it. And so you can see more of my mad rhyming skills.

In high school Erica and I would often make silly little gifts for each other. I remember one time I was sick and she brought me a care package full of fun and goofy things. But one of the best gifts I gave her was for her 16th birthday. We had gone through driver’s ed together, and even though she was turning 16 five months after me, she had a car and I didn’t. So this birthday was a big deal for both of us. In honor of that, I wrote a little poem/song type thing, made it colorful and put it in a frame. And proving that it’s the thought that counts (and not the big expensive gifts), she absolutely loved it.

This is a picture she took before letting it go, though you can’t see that it’s framed, and you can’t really read it anymore because it has faded over time.

And here is how it reads:

So I see that it’s your birthday!
A special one at that!

Hey wow! You’re finally sixteen,
And that’s extremely phat!

You’ll now get your own car
And you’ll finally have a license!

Come on girl! Get off your butt!
Um, nothing rhymes with license!

Drive to my house and pick me up!
We’ll cruise around all day!

We’re free! We’re free! And both 16!
So steer that care my way!

Won’t hafta worry ’bout
A freakish parent’s frown.

And never hear through megaphones
Hey red car slow down!

You’ve learned to watch for ‘hidden’ poles!
And mastered how to merge!

Parking lots are easy as pie!
More speed though I must urge!

Stop reading this! Let’s go! Let’s go!
I’m still at home, bored!

When 16, you have a privilege!
Which cannot be ignored.

Unless of course, you have no car.
In my case, this is true!

But you’re 16, and have your own!
I’ll hitch a ride with you!

Clearly there are lots of inside jokes going on, but I think my rhyming skills had improved since I was 14 and wrote about my weeded heart. But again with the excessive exclamation points everywhere. Ugh!!!!!

One time Erica made me a totally kick-ass calendar of Nick Stahl (see my high school “Screw List”) that I held on to forever. I had to throw it away recently, but I did get pictures, which I’ll have to share with you later since Ireland photos burned me out and I haven’t uploaded any since.

(This is my last embarrassing artifact from high school until I go back to my dad’s for more.)

I’ve been digging through some boxes in my dad’s basement and finding some stuff from my high school years. I’ve found journals, photo albums, notes from friends. The usual. And I plan on sharing excerpts from all of these things eventually because who doesn’t like to embarrass themselves that way?

For now though, I couldn’t take all of that stuff home because I have no room for it. But I did grab a few small things I thought I’d memorialize here before throwing them away. The first is my high school “Screw List.” It’s not dated, but based on some context clues, I’m guessing I created this around sophomore year, well before I was “screwing” anyone. Ah, high school.

Shannon’s Screw List*:

1. Drew (a classmate I crushed on for a few years, and who I was totally over by the time we were paired to walk and dance together for senior year homecoming court)
2. Jeremy M. (I think this was a friend of a friend of a friend that I met like twice)
3. J. Crew guy (some guy from a J. Crew ad I’m assuming)
4. Brad Pitt (still true)
5. Chad Ell1$ (who?)
6. Dan F1nkbe1ner (this was totally my friend’s lifelong crush, but apparently I found him screw-able too)
7. Joe V@nK@lker (kid I went to elementary school with – he moved away before middle school, so why in the world did I think I still wanted to get physical with him?)
8. Jason Scott Lee (for real?)
9. Matthew Lawrence (come on, he was hot!)
10. Johnny Whitworth (AJ from Empire Records… drool)
11. Zia Sh00k (this is a looooong story, but basically he was a friend and we had a mutual crush that never materialized)
12. Gay Waiter Scott (a gay guy from a restaurant we visited during our school trip to Toronto)
13. Puff Daddy (aw yeah, give me some Diddy)
14. Leo (nardo DiCaprio of course)
15. Nick Stahl (he never made it big as an actor, but I sure had his picture hanging in my locker)
16. Aladdin (Whu-hut? I was sick.)
17. Tiger (Woods. You may have heard of him. On this hand-written list, I had an arrow pointing from his name to just below 14. I guess he got upgraded.)
18. Prince William (I used to think I’d be a princess, then a queen, someday. Kate Middleton is one lucky gal.)

*Some names have been disguised so as to avoid these people googling themselves and ending up here reading about I used to want to get with them.

I graduated today. Want to see?

Unfortunately that’s what most of the pictures from the ceremony look like. The whole morning was pretty chaotic, and crowded, so I didn’t get very many photos of me in my graduation garb. Mostly because we were fighting this crowd:

And that’s just what spilled outside. However, I did force someone to snap these pictures in the parking garage before I shed the getup:

And then it was off to a celebratory lunch. It was amazing – I had all four grandparents, both sets of parents, all three sisters and their significant others, my brother, my half-bro and sis, and the Giraffe celebrating with me. Truly, I am blessed.

Alright fine, you guys win. You all hated my bag options so vehemently that I gave in and kept looking. I didn’t want to. At all. Because I had already looked at ~25 stores and ~73 websites in search of the perfect bag. Yes I looked at Target, TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Kohls and everywhere else you suggested, though I do appreciate the ideas.

And ideas you had! I love that about blogging – it’s like the best advice column ever. But unfortunately a lot of your ideas just wouldn’t work for me.

1. I don’t want to use a backpack because our professor specifically suggested we don’t. Even though we’ll be a small group of American students in Ireland, she wants us to submerge in the culture as much as possible. And nothing screams tourist quite like a backpack. Or so I’m told. (Sneakers are a give-away too but I already have alternative walking shoes.) So no backpack.

2. Although a messenger bag is a great idea, I have this weird thing about flaps. As is customary on a messenger bag, the ones I found all came with flap openings instead top openings. I can’t stand the flap action, so no messenger bag.

3. I also don’t want to wait until I get there to find a bag. I love how adventurous that is, but the moment we arrive we’re hitting the streets, and I need to be prepared. The planner in me says get a bag now!

Even after all the suggestions that I keep looking, I was stubbornly insistent on choosing between the two options I already owned. But since the vote was split on those two anyway (because some of you did vote even though you clearly HATED them both!), I sucked it up and did one more online search. Yesterday the Giraffe was sent a 20% off coupon code for ebags.com, and I thought that must be fate. I ended up finding a cool bag in the closeout clearance section, and after much deliberation (thank you Robin for g-chatting me through that decision), I ordered the bag.

It should be here early next week, and dear god, please let this bag be a winner! I’ll wait until it arrives to show you what I ordered, but you have to promise you’ll love it. Because by next week I’ll be completely exasperated and want to punch walls if you hate it. So tell me you love it. Unless you truly hate it of course.

I had a dream the other night that I was being attacked by a giant panda. Seriously, that sucker was huge. And animated. Like Manga style. But don’t worry, this isn’t a story about my dreams. This is the story of real life animal encounters.

First let me start by telling you about how I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom last night, and suddenly a disgustingly disgusting centipede crawled out from underneath me. A CENTIPEDE! The thing with a billion legs. It crawled out from underneath my legs! I screamed and then ran for my grandpa to kill it.

But that doesn’t really count because insects aren’t animals. My real stories both took place when I was traveling and living out west, and both involved getting much too close to large dangerous animals on accident.

The Buffalo
I had been living and working at Yellowstone National Park for several months, so I knew all about animal safety. I saw buffalo on a daily basis – they were practically pets – but I always kept a safe distance. And I already had a million pictures of buffalo to take home with me, so I don’t know why I thought it was so important to get a shot of the stray one that was loitering just outside our dorm one day. I guess because it was literally hanging out in the courtyard about two feet from the building when I walked home from lunch. And I had my camera with me. So obviously I’m getting a picture right?

Well, even though I had been a YNP resident for months, I still did that stupid tourist thing where you look through the viewfinder (this was before digital became ubiquitous) and don’t realize how close you actually are to something. I was framing the shot in the camera and stepping ever-closer to the buffalo. I finally took the picture and pulled the camera from my face, and hello! Buffalo standing about four feet away from me. Giant, hairy, dangerous animal within kill-me-with-practically-no-effort distance.

After I peed my pants a little, I darted back to the building’s entrance and let that beast mind it’s own business. Sadly, I have no idea where that picture is anymore.

The Moose
Before moving to Yellowstone, my sister and I and two friends putzed around the Rockies for about a month. One day we set up camp near a stream, and one of the friends went upstream to fish. I joined him for awhile, but quickly got bored and headed back toward camp. I was walking along, watching my feet as I navigated the rock-filled terrain, when suddenly I looked up and found myself face-to-ass with the backside of a moose. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared. With no exaggeration, that moose was just beyond my arm’s reach before I noticed it.

I completely blanked. What are you supposed to do again? Run? Not run? Play dead? Make moose noises to fool them? I’m in the middle of the wilderness with a giant fucking bull moose, and I couldn’t remember anything I had learned. Have you ever seen a moose? They’re huge. Especially the males. Luckily it wasn’t a mama protecting her babies because then I’m pretty sure I’d be dead instead of blogging right now. But still, my heart is racing  just remembering this. I mean the males have those giant menacing antlers that could rip you in half and break all your bones!

Eventually I slowly backed away as quietly as possible, and when it was out of my sight, I ran as fast as I could over the rocks back to my fishing friend. I think moose are fascinating animals and actually quite beautiful, but I never need to see a live one that close again.

(Photos are not mine.)

Usually I like to relax as much as possible on the weekends. So last week, when I knew the upcoming weekend was going to be busy, I was kind of bummed. Not bummed I guess, because some of my plans were intended to be fun, but just… wishing it didn’t all fall in the same weekend. It ended up being rather enjoyable though.

Friday
After work, the Giraffe and I went to my dad’s and hung out with my little brother while my dad took Des (his wife, my “step-mom”) out for her birthday. Little bro is a riot, so we had a good time.

Saturday
I had a 1-credit class from 9 to 6, which I was heavily dreading, but it was thankfully not so horrible. I even managed to talk myself and a friend out of the class around 3. We then managed to get ourselves (for free) into the Women’s Expo that was going on downtown. And it was such a lovely day that I was thrilled to be able to walk around the city. After the Expo, where we met up with another friend, the three of us walked to a little tavern for dinner. Post-food, we strolled back to our cars – it’s so nice to stroll when your nose isn’t freezing off! That night I chilled with the Giraffe for a few hours.

Sunday
This was supposed to be the day I deep-cleaned my G&G’s condo (where I”m staying – they get home this week!), but it was too amazingly gorgeous to be inside all day. A little cleaning got done in the morning, but then I had lunch with the Giraffe, his dad and his brother. And after lunch, I just couldn’t go home, I needed to be outside. So the Giraffe and I went miniature golfing!

The last time I mini-golfed (at that exact location even) was only a few weeks after Brad and I broke up. Robin and her boyfriend took me to get me out of the house, and I remember feeling shrouded in sadness, but trying to muster as much enjoyment as I could. I laughed and smiled, but it felt so forced. This time, I had so much fun. Geuine fun. It’s amazing how much has changed in seven months. After putt-putt, we decided to sit outside and read, and then I fell asleep. Then, finally, FINALLY I got around to cleaning. The Giraffe offered to help, and he is one bad-ass cleaner. So much better than me! In fact, he’s such an efficient cleaner that we had that place glimmering with enough time left over to make a frozen pizza and watch a movie.

I have pictures that would help make this weekend recap much more interesting, but I never have time to sit down and get them off my camera. So just use your imagination I guess. See, there’s me sitting on a fake rock surrounded by fake green turf, holding a small putter and a bright green golf ball. Maybe I’ll post that photo later and see how accurate your imaginations are.

This week is spring break for me at school, and I’ve been having so much fun NOT going to class and doing homework that I forgot I had a blog! What have I been up to you ask?

- Friday night I drove to visit my friend Jess. We had dinner, then stayed up late talking in pajamas. I left her house Saturday afternoon.

- Saturday night I visited my friend Erica and we stayed up late discussing important wedding plans.

- Sunday the Giraffe and I hung out, and later Robin came over. She and I talked while the Giraffe made some delicious dip for our book club (which he has joined). That night my book club crew came over and we discussed two books because we had missed last month’s meeting.

- Monday I had dinner with Erica and we did a little more wedding planning.

- Tuesday the Giraffe and I cuddled up and watched a movie.

And what do I have planned for the rest of spring break you wonder?

- Tonight we’re having dinner at the Giraffe’s mom’s house.

- Tomorrow night I’ll be watching reruns of the Office (we’ve been watching all the past seasons, just for fun) and then catching the newest Office and 30 Rock episodes (they’re not reruns again are they?).

- Friday is going to be a date night with a delicious home-cooked meal (I’m sure you’ve guessed I won’t be the one cooking).

- Saturday I’m going wedding dress shopping with Robin, then we’re double-dating that night for dinner.

- Sunday the Giraffe and I are going ice skating, having dinner and hanging out with my sisters and their significant others.

Seriously, I need to not have class all the time. This is fun!

As 2009 is so deemed. By me. Why? Because EVERYONE is getting married this year! Or at least it seems that way. I think it’s mostly because a bunch of really important people in my life all decided to get married (or at least decided to talk about getting married) all at the same time.

It all started when a good friend from high school (hi Brooke!) announced a while ago that she’d be marrying a guy that graduated with us (hi Rob!) in June. So that’s one. But at least she gave us a little time to process the information. Everyone else just decided, oh oops, hey I’m getting married this year!

In January, Robin suddenly had a ring on her finger and decided she was getting married this fall. As in THIS fall! This girl has been one of my best friends for 16 years and now she’s getting married. This fall!

Then a few days after that announcement, my friend Erica’s boyfriend starts asking for engagement ring advice. And two weeks ago it was official – Erica is engaged and getting married in August. She and I met in 6th grade and she has been one my best friends ever since. And she’s getting married. In August!

So that’s three. Three of my long-time friends getting married within five months of each other. And to top it all off, two other very significant people in my life (they shall remain nameless for now) have been talking pretty seriously about weddings and marriage as well. All this in contrast to last year when I had ZERO weddings to attend. There’s something about 2009 – it’s like all anyone can think about is weddings!

And I have to admit, I’m kind of getting sucked in. I am beyond excited to help Robin and Erica with their wedding plans. I bug Robin daily for details on her latest thought or idea (and offer several of my own). And even though I’m not actually in any of these weddings (they’re being smart and keeping it simple), I feel like I want to be as involved as possible.

I’ve even been thinking about my own wedding lately. You know, the one that doesn’t even exist? Yeah, I can’t stop wondering what it might look like, who might be there, what I’d wear, where it would take place. And this coming from me who always planned on a no-frills elopement. Seriously, it’s like a disease I’ve contracted. Wedding2009itis. Hopefully the symptoms clear up after this Year of the Wedding is over because man, this is so not like me!

The strangest part is that none of the five people in question were even dating the people they’re marrying when I started my relationship with Brad. I spent over three years with this guy thinking I was going to marry him, and now we’re not even together. A few of them even used to get discouraged about potentially never meeting the right guy, and now they’re all in wonderful relationships with wonderful men and I’m the single one. (Ok not entirely single – the Giraffe is pretty frickin’ cool – but you get the point).

The point is not that I regret the way things happened or that I’m jealous or in some big rush to get married. I think the point is that even after years of waiting, it can all happen SO fast. One day you’re single and the next you’re in a bridal shop fitting room wearing an ill-fitting white dress.

So who else is getting married? Are you?

These are the things that have been going on with me lately:

1. I moved. Or I guess I’m still in the process of moving. Robin (roommate) is moving to a nearby city to be with her boyfriend fiancé (congratulations Jackie-poo!), and we were both very much okay with getting out of our lease early and saving some money on rent for a few months. So I’m moving into my grandparents’ condo. They are incredibly generous to let me live there, especially since they’re in Florida until mid-March so I’ve got the place to myself for awhile. I feel like I still haven’t thanked them enough, and I know they tune in here occasionally, so I’ll say it again. Thanks G&G, you’re the best!

So I’m working on getting everything moved out of the apartment and settling into my temporary digs. Moving in January in Michigan is quite possibly the worst idea EVER. It has been one giant pain in the ass, and you are more than welcome to tell me I’m an effing idiot for even considering it. But now it’s almost done so I’ll stop complaining to everyone around me. I don’t know what I’ll do after March – stay with G&G or find another place – but since I have no idea what my life looks like after August, I probably won’t be signing any year-long leases any time soon.

2. I’m still adjusting to this semester. My classes appear to be a lot breezier than last semester, but even after two weeks, I’m still not in school mode again yet. It’s like I’m in denial that there is homework to be done. Only fourteen weeks of faking it left. Then I’ll be walking in the graduation ceremony in April, taking six more credits this summer, and then, THEN!, I’ll officially be a lady with a master’s degree. You can call me Master Shannon if you insist.

3. I’ve been seeing someone. I haven’t figured out yet what and how much I want to say about that. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out how I went from “dating around” to “seeing someone” and what exactly it is I want out of this “seeing someone” business. I know, I know… don’t think too much, just enjoy it. But, see, have you ever met me? I can make myself crazy with the thinking.

Bonus: I just discovered the “Excerpt” field of WordPress 2-point-whatever-the-hell-it-is-now. Let’s see what happens if I use it.

Yesterday I posted the first of three unpublished drafts that I wrote during my post-breakup depression. I don’t do this to keep dredging up the past, but rather as a way to celebrate how good I feel now, months later. And also because publishing these drafts is a final farewell (and fuck you!) to that awful pit of darkness I lived in for awhile.

This post, titled “My battle” was originally written on 8/18/2008, about a month after the breakup.

———————————————————————

In the last week and a half, I have realized that this is my battle and only mine. This pain is mine and only mine. I have a lot of people who know I deserve better than Brad and who want to be there for me—including my friends, my family and many of you who have left amazing comments or sent emails that have helped me figure out how to process everything—but in the end, I’m alone in this.

I went into my family trip last week expecting constant attention, love and support from everyone. I thought they would surround me and help heal me. But they all have their own lives, their own loves, their own things going on. They couldn’t really be there for me the way I thought I needed, and it was silly of me to expect that. This is my battle, not theirs.

My friends have offered their support and they are doing what they can to cheer me up, but everyone is busy and they can’t always be there when I need them and in the ways I need them. I know when some of them were going through their own bad breakups, I couldn’t be there for them the way they probably wanted me to be. Likewise, they are busy and their worlds don’t stop for me. This is my battle, not theirs.

Brad has very clearly moved on. And even though I’ve made significant progress in the last few weeks, I’m not there yet. I’m not completely past all of this like he has been the whole time we’ve been apart (even longer if we’re being honest). But again, this is my battle. Not his.

I have really good days sometimes now. Days when I know I’m better off without him, when I look forward to the prospect of meeting new people, when I believe in the possibility of finding someone better than him, when I really don’t care what he does or thinks or wants anymore. Then I have bad days when I just need to reach out to someone. And even though so many people have told me that I can call them anytime… it’s not their battle. It’s mine. And I think everyone else is just over it. I don’t blame them, I want to be over it too. So I just kind of hide the bad stuff now. Fake it till you make it – that’s what I’ve heard from a few people, so that’s what I’m trying to do.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. To anyone who thinks I’m writing directly to them: you’ve been great. For real. Thank you. I would not have made this much progress without you. That’s what is weird about using this blog as a kind of journal. I have been writing openly and honestly about all this, but I’m still aware that people are reading. And so while my honest feelings right now are that I feel pretty alone and lonely, I still want anybody who sees this to know that it’s not your fault. You have been and continue to be incredibly generous and supportive. Yet I can’t help but feel like I really am fighting a one person battle against myself.

My partner, my teammate, the one I would normally turn to is gone. He can’t help me anymore. He has chosen to be on his own (or at least without me), and I’m fighting this battle to get better without him. It’s like I’m surrounded by people, amazing helpful people, but I’m isolated in the middle of it. Everyone is trying to reach out to me, I’m trying to reach back. Everyone is there, but I still feel like I’m alone.

Tell me that feeling goes away eventually…

——————————————————————-

I chose not to publish this post at the time because I felt like no matter what, I would sound ungrateful. Even in my sadness I could see the potential for offending those who had been so supportive and helfpul. But this is just a piece that attempts to explain the loneliness of heartbreak. No matter how many people have gone through it before and no matter how many people are surrounding you with love, it is a very lonely experience.

I think it’s safe to post this now, but I want to say again… you guys all rock my world. And thank you.