On Christmas day, my dad said we should all go around and answer two questions:

1. What was your biggest accomplishment of 2009?
2. What is one thing you plan to accomplish in the future?

We never actually got to this activity because we waited for my sister and her husband to get there, who had another party and got there just about the time my Christmas Cold was kicking in and I had to go home to bed. But I thought I’d do it here.

1. My biggest accomplishment of 2009.
I hate to measure my successes through education and career, but I think this year I have to say my biggest accomplishment was getting a Master’s degree and finding a good job as a result.

2. My plans for accomplishment in the future.
In the next year, I hope to learn how to be a great partner in a marriage. I know it’ll take a lifetime of learning, and I still might never get it right, but next year will bring my first attempt.

Hope you all had a great 2009, and if you didn’t so much, I hope your 2010 is rockin’. I hope EVERYONE has a spectacular year, in fact.

A little craft update since I can’t sleep (again). As you know, my nephew Brady was born a couple weeks ago, and I embroidered his name on a (decorative, not functional) bib. I’ve done this for many of the special kids in my life. Here’s Brady’s:

Not my best work, but those bibs are hard to work with.

Also, I finished my dad’s christmas gift, and now that he’s opened it, I can share:

I think he liked it. The idea was to spend no more than $4.44 on a gift, and since I had all the materials for this on hand – fabric, embroidery floss, frame – it was basically free.

Next I’m working on some gifts and some decorative stuff for the wedding. And eventually the “Unity Quilt” of course.

I just got home from my second ever professional massage. The Giraffe’s mom generously gave me a gift card to a spa for my birthday, and I used it to get an 80-minute massage today. It. Was. Heaven. I want one every single day. If I ever hit it rich, that is one thing I’ll splurge on – daily (ok, maybe weekly) massages. Here are some of my thoughts on this massage compared to the last one:

- Thirty minutes are awesome, but 80 minutes are spectacular!

- This masseuse didn’t talk to me at all during the massage. I think I liked it that way.

- The music, though meant to be soothing, was distracting. I would have preferred ocean sounds or something.

- There were a few parts of my lower back that actually hurt when she massaged them. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, so I just gritted my teeth and waited for her to move on.

- I couldn’t shut my mind up. I didn’t do any productive thinking, but my mind was turning the whole time. I tried to internally yell at myself to SHUT UP AND RELAX! but it didn’t work. Next time I get a massage, I need to figure out how to quiet my mind.

- She massaged almost every inch of my body. Including my butt. Very tastefully, of course.

Overall, it was an incredible experience and I can’t wait until I can go again.

Dear Brady,

You were born into love. Not all babies are. Many are born into hatred, neglect, abuse or loneliness. But you, lucky boy, were loved by so many before you were even born. We whispered to you through your mom’s belly, we felt you kick and imaged what you’d look like. We waited eagerly as you spent 19 hours pushing your way into the world, and we lined up to meet you when you were only minutes and hours old.

We love your mop of dark hair and your little button nose. We love your tiny toes and fingers, your fragile limbs, your baby soft skin. We love the child you are now and the man you will become.

When you were just three days old, I tucked you in my arms and watched as you woke from a long sleep. Your brand new eyes of the deepest grey struggled to focus, and then finally settled on mine. You studied my face and I studied yours. And in that moment I loved you so fiercely, my nephew, my sister’s son, the newest member of our family.

We may be strangers to you still, but we promise to protect and love you always. You will never be alone. Not as a tiny baby or a curious child or a stubborn teenager, not even as the well-adjusted adult I’m sure you’ll someday be. You were born into love, swells and mountains of love, and you’ll never have to go without. We love you not just because you’re an adorable sweet baby, we love you because you’re Brady.

Love (always),
Your Aunt Nana

My nephew was born today. My sister went into labor last night at around 9, and he wasn’t born until 4:30 this afternoon. My sister is a fucking trooper!

I haven’t yet gotten permission to share details or pictures, but I’ll tell you this: he is tiny and adorable and perfect and he smells like a divine little baby. And he has a head full of dark wavy hair.

Also, Andrea is amazing, truly. I’m so happy for all of them.

Updated:

Brady Douglas [Lastname]
Born: 12/14/2009 at 4:31 p.m.
6lb 11oz, 20.5in

When I started my job two and a half years ago, it was with the mindset that it would get me through my Master’s program, and then I’d be on to bigger and better things. But then the economy fell out from under us, and I found myself living in the state with the highest unemployment rate in the nation. When I finished my degree in August, I began to make new plans: I’d stay at my job until the Giraffe was done with school, then we’d open up our job search beyond this city, beyond this state, beyond this country even. There were no job openings around here, and I didn’t want to move away months before our wedding, so I was stuck until he could come with me. It was discouraging and disheartening to know I’d have to stay at a job that was far from where I wanted to be in my career, especially since I just spent two years and too much money on a degree that was supposed to move me forward.

Although I was resigned to my situation, I did still keep my eyes open for local job opportunities, only applying for those I’d be truly interested in accepting. But my hopes remained low when rejection after rejection rolled in. Then, suddenly, last month I found myself at an interview, and then a second interview, and then I was on the phone accepting a new position. It has its downsides, but the job is at a nonprofit (which is what I went to school for) and it’s in a field I’m really excited about. Just when I had accepted that I’d be in a holding pattern until at least June, this incredible opportunity was given to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

The biggest downside is that it’s not quite local. It’s in a city a little over an hour away from home. The Giraffe and I tossed around several ideas, but in the end we decided I’d commute to work until he finished school in the spring, then we’d reassess. So just as winter is setting in, I’ll be driving to and from work, an hour each way, every day. I’m not looking forward to it, but for such a good opportunity, it’s worth it.

The strange thing about getting a job right now is that along with feelings of elation and relief, I feel very guilty. I know so many people who have been laid off, are underemployed, or are stuck in jobs they loathe because they can’t find anything better. I often feel like I want to apologize for my good fortune. It’s a strange internal conflict between joy and guilt. I know I worked hard for this position – two years of school, making connections, etc. But so did many other people who aren’t being rewarded in the same way. I’m having a really hard time reconciling it with myself.

For a long time, my family had a tradition of going Christmas tree shopping soon after Thanksgiving. We’d all load up — aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings — and head out to a tree farm. The tradition has sort of waned in the last few years as we’ve all grown up and gotten busy, but my sister Kelli made an attempt to get some of us together to shop for trees this year. Despite busy and conflicting schedules, a few of us were going to go out this afternoon.

But then it started raining. Pouring actually, and my dad said we should probably reschedule. Except I didn’t know that, so the Giraffe and I sat around waiting for someone to call us and say we were ready to go (we were waiting for Kel’s husband to get out of work). Finally at 1:30 I called and asked what was up. Oh, we’re rescheduling, didn’t you know?

No, we didn’t. The Giraffe and I were eager to get a tree this weekend, so we decided to go to Lowe’s, where we picked up a Scotch Pine for $15. When we got it home though, it didn’t fit in our tree stand. So back out we went to return the stand to the same store we had visited this morning for groceries. I hate return trips on the same day! We bought a new tree stand, got it home, put the tree up and realized, holy shit, it’s crooked as hell! The whole trunk, from base to top, is a complete bow. We had to stick the trunk base in at a severe angle just to get the top to point toward the ceiling.

But it’s up! We’re letting it dry out a little (all that rain earlier soaked it) before we decorate. With Christmas music of course. This is a fun time of year.

Edited to Add:

Right now, I have to admit, I’m most thankful for a four-day weekend and the fact that I got to sleep in until 10 this morning. Family, friends, food, shelter, health, wealth… definitely appreciate that stuff too. I try to never take it for granted. I know I’m blessed in so many ways, and as I head off to a Thanksgiving celebration with my whole family, I’m reminded of that.

But this morning I can’t help but say a big THANK YOU for feeling rested and for the long weekend ahead of me.

Last night was Sister Night. We all got together, just the four of us, for dinner and ice cream and gut-splitting laughter. We haven’t done that in awhile. Just the four of us, I mean. We see each other often, but usually in the context of larger family functions or at least with our significant others in tow. But sister time is special. These three ladies are my best friends, my closest confidantes, and the people who make me laugh more than anyone else in the world.

(This is from the other day when we were all hanging out with our mom. From left: Andrea, Emily, Shannon, Mom, Kelli.)

Two of my best blogger buddies read my post yesterday and wrote their own accounts of adolescent insecurity. You should check out Katie’s post (at Willikat) and Angie’s post (at Found Out About Me).

That got me thinking more about this topic. I think a lot of my insecurities were wrapped up in my comparison to my younger sister (Andrea, the hot one). She was pretty and skinny and popular and athletic and artistic and talented. I, according to my own thoughts, was none of those things.

Even though I can see now that I had it pretty good then*, it was never enough because my sister always had more and better. And the worst part is that she and I didn’t get along, so not only was I painfully jealous of my younger sister, but she really had no use for me. A lot of my self-confidence, or lack of it, resulted from how I related to Andrea.

Surprisingly I was rarely teased or mocked or bullied by classmates, so very little of my insecurity issues spawned from my peers. Sure, I felt ridiculous in gym class and I shied away from direct contact with the “popular” kids, but I was spared a lot of the pain that many teenagers cause each other.

For me, it was all about crying myself to sleep so many nights because even though I was the older sister, I was much less important in the world. Looking back, I think I had some issues with depression in my adolescence, and I think a lot of it manifested itself in my feelings about self-worth compared to my sister.

Oddly though, it was that summer we spent in Yellowstone together that brought us closer. We spent nearly every day together, and we had lots of fun. We came out of that experience closer than we had ever been. It took a couple more years before I stopped comparing myself to her and learned to love myself, but it helped that we were finally friends, as well as sisters.

*I don’t think I ever really found myself ugly, but certainly not pretty. Looking back, I was such a good size – not too gangly, and not at all overweight – but I hated my hips and thighs and stomach at the time. I was not popular in the sense of being part of the “in crowd” but I had lots of great friends, and I believe I was well-liked in general with no real enemies. I’ve never been athletic, so that was no illusion. I’m not artistic, though I am pretty creative, but that wasn’t good enough back then. As for talented… I still don’t know that I’m talented. I’m capable, competent and good at many things, but I’ve always said that I don’t have a true talent. I’m good at many things, great at none.

This morning I heard someone refer to Khloe as “the ugly one” of the Kardashian sisters. I certainly don’t think Khloe is ugly at all, but even if someone else does…really? The ugly one? How dickish.

When my sister Andrea and I spent a summer working at Yellowstone, we both had a lot of fun and met a lot of guys (yes, we did as much partying as we did hiking). But as sisters, we were inevitably compared to each other.

One night we were hanging out in a friend’s dorm room. I was laying on one of the beds, and Andrea had stepped out for a minute. I guess I looked like I was sleeping (or maybe people are just completely insensitive) because someone walked in and asked, “Where’s the other sister?” And someone else replied, “You mean the hot one?”

I always knew my sister was gorgeous – people stared at her wherever she went – but hearing it that way, positioning me as the one who is not the hot one, tore up my heart. I laid silently for awhile, then pretended to wake up and nonchalantly left the room. I went to my own room and cried. And cried and cried.

Thinking back to that time, it breaks my heart that my heart could so easily be bruised. Now those words wouldn’t hurt me. Fine, I’m not the hot one, but I’m happy and I’m a good person and, you know, I look pretty damn good.

That, if nothing else, is a testament to how far I’ve come in the last ten years. I don’t need to be the hot one to feel good about myself.

We had another baby shower for my sister today. As soon as I got out of the car at the party my sister said, “Cute boots. You never wear heels.” I was wearing heeled ankle boots (super cute ones I got for $2 at Goodwill!). And then later my sister-in-law saw the boots and goes, “Wow those are pretty fancy for you huh?”

Apparently I’m a total slob on the weekends, when I normally see my family. I wear heels to work on a pretty regular basis, though I do admit I prefer flats during warmer weather. But I guess it’s been a really long time since my family saw me in anything but flats, flip flops or tennis shoes.

Next they’re going to act surprised to see that I’m wearing a bra.

(Just kidding. I wear one every day. Gotta keep the girls from introducing themselves to my waist any time soon.)

Since I finished grad school, I have had a little more time to get back into crafting. I didn’t do much when I was in school, so it feels good to pick up my needle and thread again.

My sister Andrea is having a baby any day now (well, sometime in the next month and a half technically), and she commissioned a baby blanket. She bought some stuff for the nursery, but couldn’t find a blanket that didn’t make her gag with attempted cuteness. So we went shopping and picked out fabrics. I embroidered his name (I told her she CANNOT change her mind now!) and sewed up a blanket for him.

And now I’m working on a gift for my dad. Hopefully he doesn’t read this blog. He knows about it and has seen it, but I don’t think he reads on a regular basis. Just in case…

DAD, LOOK AWAY RIGHT NOW PLEASE!

My dad is a mountain man at heart, and thought maybe I could combine my embroidery skills with his love for the mountains. So I searched Google images for pictures of mountains to use for inspiration. Then I sketched:

I really liked the look of it, so next I dug through my collection of fabrics and embroidery floss to find a color scheme.

I didn’t want to be literal: greys and blues and greens. Instead I wanted something monochromatic, and I knew browns would suit my dad well. Next I sketched my drawing onto the fabric in a slightly larger scale. It should end up fitting in an 8×10 frame if I decide to frame it. And then it was time to start stitching!

After working on it this weekend, I’m done with the tree and about halfway through the mountains. I haven’t decided what I’ll do with it when I’m done. Frame it maybe. More pictures to come.

Well I’m off to a shitty start with this NaBloPoMo thing. I promised myself I wouldn’t spend the whole month writing about how bad I’m doing with NaBloPoMo, but it’s pretty funny that all day today it never crossed my mind that it was November, let alone that I had committed to posting every day this month. Luckily some of my bloggy friends mentioned it on Twitter, so fear not, we’re all saved. I didn’t screw it up yet.

The Giraffe and I spent the weekend with my sister and her fiance. Em and I took some time on Saturday to go wedding dress shopping. We both have dresses already, but we thought it would be fun to have that bridal shop experience. Drowning in white tulle, being doted on by saleswomen, the whole thing. (Read more about our outing here.)

(I looked ridiculous in all of the gowns, but Em looked spectacular.)

Then the Giraffe made us all chili and cornbread, we munched on Halloween candy, watched Children of the Corn, and waited for trick-or-treaters. Pretty low-key, but it was fun.

My baby sister, the one who so recently (in my memory at least) was a chubby toddler with hair in a blunt bowl cut and crusted jam on her face, got married on Saturday. It took them only a few weeks to pull this wedding together, and it was very small, casual and informal.

I wrote about it here. You MUST go check out her dress – so very Kelli.