Yesterday I posted the first of three unpublished drafts that I wrote during my post-breakup depression. I don’t do this to keep dredging up the past, but rather as a way to celebrate how good I feel now, months later. And also because publishing these drafts is a final farewell (and fuck you!) to that awful pit of darkness I lived in for awhile.
This post, titled “My battle” was originally written on 8/18/2008, about a month after the breakup.
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In the last week and a half, I have realized that this is my battle and only mine. This pain is mine and only mine. I have a lot of people who know I deserve better than Brad and who want to be there for me—including my friends, my family and many of you who have left amazing comments or sent emails that have helped me figure out how to process everything—but in the end, I’m alone in this.
I went into my family trip last week expecting constant attention, love and support from everyone. I thought they would surround me and help heal me. But they all have their own lives, their own loves, their own things going on. They couldn’t really be there for me the way I thought I needed, and it was silly of me to expect that. This is my battle, not theirs.
My friends have offered their support and they are doing what they can to cheer me up, but everyone is busy and they can’t always be there when I need them and in the ways I need them. I know when some of them were going through their own bad breakups, I couldn’t be there for them the way they probably wanted me to be. Likewise, they are busy and their worlds don’t stop for me. This is my battle, not theirs.
Brad has very clearly moved on. And even though I’ve made significant progress in the last few weeks, I’m not there yet. I’m not completely past all of this like he has been the whole time we’ve been apart (even longer if we’re being honest). But again, this is my battle. Not his.
I have really good days sometimes now. Days when I know I’m better off without him, when I look forward to the prospect of meeting new people, when I believe in the possibility of finding someone better than him, when I really don’t care what he does or thinks or wants anymore. Then I have bad days when I just need to reach out to someone. And even though so many people have told me that I can call them anytime… it’s not their battle. It’s mine. And I think everyone else is just over it. I don’t blame them, I want to be over it too. So I just kind of hide the bad stuff now. Fake it till you make it – that’s what I’ve heard from a few people, so that’s what I’m trying to do.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful. To anyone who thinks I’m writing directly to them: you’ve been great. For real. Thank you. I would not have made this much progress without you. That’s what is weird about using this blog as a kind of journal. I have been writing openly and honestly about all this, but I’m still aware that people are reading. And so while my honest feelings right now are that I feel pretty alone and lonely, I still want anybody who sees this to know that it’s not your fault. You have been and continue to be incredibly generous and supportive. Yet I can’t help but feel like I really am fighting a one person battle against myself.
My partner, my teammate, the one I would normally turn to is gone. He can’t help me anymore. He has chosen to be on his own (or at least without me), and I’m fighting this battle to get better without him. It’s like I’m surrounded by people, amazing helpful people, but I’m isolated in the middle of it. Everyone is trying to reach out to me, I’m trying to reach back. Everyone is there, but I still feel like I’m alone.
Tell me that feeling goes away eventually…
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I chose not to publish this post at the time because I felt like no matter what, I would sound ungrateful. Even in my sadness I could see the potential for offending those who had been so supportive and helfpul. But this is just a piece that attempts to explain the loneliness of heartbreak. No matter how many people have gone through it before and no matter how many people are surrounding you with love, it is a very lonely experience.
I think it’s safe to post this now, but I want to say again… you guys all rock my world. And thank you.