It’s not quite the same
Emily [while handing Brady over to me]: Doesn’t he just make you want to have one?
Me: Actually, yes.
But of course I didn’t mean that I actually wanted to have a baby. I’ve always wanted to adopt, and I still do if circumstances allow someday. What I meant was that it seems more realistic than it ever has (which isn’t saying much) that someday I might actually be ready to be a mother. As much as Brady has stolen my heart, my uterus is still not calling to me.
Later when I recalled the conversation, without context, to someone else, that person commented how until Brady was born, Andrea never thought she’d love being a mom. There’s just something about carrying a child for 9 months and giving birth to it that creates a deep instinctual love.
“Don’t you think it could be the same with an adopted child?” I asked.
“You can still feel that, but it’s not quite the same. Andrea can’t stand to be away from Brady for long.”
“But don’t you think I’d feel the same way with a child I adopted?”
“Maybe…”
I think what that conversation proved to me was that no matter what, some people just won’t be as excited about me adopting children as they would be about my birthing them. I’ve noticed this before. Little glimpses of pure joy when someone thinks it’s possible I might procreate.
One relative’s unfettered joy when I said future pregnancies are not entirely ruled out.
Another’s comments about how they’re sure I’m going to change my mind about having babies after seeing me with Brady.
They always try to backtrack when I remind them that adoption is my first and most likely choice, assuring me that they’re just as excited about that idea, and they’ll of course love my children exactly the same. But I can tell there’s a difference.
I’m not sure yet if this is a bad thing, an acceptable thing, or just a complete non-issue. Do I care that they’re eyes light up when they think for a second that I’ve given up on the whole adoption dream and replaced it with the possibility of pregnancy? Does it bother me that they can’t muster the same genuine thrill when I talk about adoption? I don’t quite know.
Part of it might be that I’ve talked about adoption for sooo looong, that the idea of changing my mind shocks them into excitement. In fact, I bet that’s a lot of it. Yet, still. Still, there’s something else there. I just have to decide what that means to me.
(Just to be clear, I’m not at all talking about the Giraffe here. After re-reading, I worried maybe someone would think that.)
I think that if you do adopt, all of these hesitant family members will totally forget they ever wanted anything else. It’s not hard to imagine that their doubt will be overcome with the same love they have for Brady in the same way that you will feel attached as much as Ann is to him.
People are so weird about their ideas. And then feelings come along and change them. It’s nice. (And now I feel like I sound like them. Sigh.)
I think unless someone has witnessed a family adopting a child, that hearing about adopting is new. They know what it’s like to witness someone pregnant and have the child.
And I still believe that Ian and I may adopt at some point. Now that I’m pregnant, I believe that there probably is a difference. That isn’t to say that the difference means the adopted child is loved differently, but I just think that in the beginning there takes some getting used to, getting accustomed with one another (especially if the baby isn’t a newborn when you adopt). I think after this initial period of newness that is so different from the newness of just having given birth, that nobody will feel any differently towards the child who is adopted versus the child who is so-called “natural born” (whatever that really means!). Sorry this is so long! I’ve thought so much about this!
As you know I wanted my own biological child, and it had nothing to do with whether I would love them as much. But for my husband it was a little about that. I knew I would love that child regardless of how it came into my life. I knew that whether it was biological or not, I would feel the same way about them. Kevin feared he wouldn’t. That is why it was so important for me that my husband came to the decision on his own like he did….
Before I get to my point, I also want to point out that I raised four children two from the time they were born until now six years later and two were one when I started. I loved all four equally, and they weren’t mine, neither biologically or otherwise. I figured when I adopted, I would love children so deeply just as I loved these four children. I didn’t think I could love anyone (aside from my husband) as much as I loved these four beings.
Then I met Little Miss. I love her so incredibly deeply, and so does Kevin. She is wrapped around his pinky, and I can tell he loves her like he would love a biological child. He knows that, in fact has said that he loves her just as much as if he had her biologically. And a surprise to me, I can love a child more than I love those four beings, because I do. She is so precious to me, and I can tell by certain feelings that though I love them, I love her more. They are the same age, I’ve known her less time, and I didn’t see her as a baby, and I did them, yet somehow, my love for her is so immensely great!
Now as far as the family. Almost everyone in my family truly loves her as much as the other kids in the family that are neices, nephews, grandchildren. She is so incredibly cherished and the feelings towards her are no different than the other children. Although, there is one exception. One of them who ironically plan to have both biological and adopted children have obviously been enamored by my nephews who are biologically related to them, and don’t share the same feelings towards her. I have wanted to say, if you can’t except this niece as you do your nephews, then you really better not adopt. They are warming up to her, and I’m not sure if it is her age, or what, but they were the only couple who did not immediately accept her as our child.
I do worry about our next child, because she is so easy going. Will it be different if we have a stubborn or hard to love child. And from my concerns, everyone has said, oh, we’re going to love them just as much.
I think if people don’t accept your child like they do their biological nieces/nephews then that’s their problem. I don’t think that you will love your child any less than Andrea loves hers. For her, if she didn’t think she’d love being a mom, this is the first time she has ever realized that the kind of love existed. If you can only feel the love a mother has for her child if that child is biological, then I would have to say being infertile is unfair and a travesty. And what about the child who doesn’t get to live with their biological mother, that’s just horrible, that they would not get to experience this so called great love that only a biological mother can feel about her biological child. If that’s the case, every pregnant thirteen year olds should keep their child because they are more capable of loving that child than an adopted mother.
So, will you love your child as much as a mother who biologically had them? Yes. Will it instantly come, it will if it would naturally come with your biological child. There are woman who expect to feel an instant connection to their baby, and are surprised when it’s born and they don’t, but they grow to love them. If you don’t have the instant connection with your adopted baby, that doesn’t mean you won’t grow to love them just like the bio mom who doesn’t.
I don’t think I’m missing out on any sort of profound love, because I have a profound love for her.
Thank you Ang. I knew you’d have good things to say about this. You said you could go on and on, and I’d love to hear it sometime. We could probably talk for hours on this!
Applause for Angela!
I could have kept going and had more to say, but thought I’d better stop.
I absolutely love reading whenever Ang has something to say. She knows exactly how to say it. I completely agree with her (although, I’ve not adopted ). You will love your children, biological or adopted, as much and as unconditionally as anyone has ever loved their children. You will not believe the amount of love you will have for them, it’s amazing. I don’t care how you “have” your children….I’m just excited for the future, when you do.
Love you!
KT must have posted hers while I was typing my overly long response. But to her comment, “That isn’t to say that the difference means the adopted child is loved differently, but I just think that in the beginning there takes some getting used to, getting accustomed with one another (especially if the baby isn’t a newborn when you adopt).
I think any mother who becomes a mother has some getting accustomed to. I know both adoptive mothers of infants and young toddlers, and birth mothers. Some birth mothers had a lot harder time adjusting and becoming accustomed to having a baby than the adoptive parents. Most adoptive parents have thought long and hard before choosing that route. They spent years preparing their home looking forward to that baby, that when it finally came, there was actually less getting used to having a baby around, because they wanted it for so long and looking forward to it so much! And some of these birth mothers were very much looking forward to becoming mothers as well.
The truth is becoming a mother takes some adjusting regardless of how you come to this. I think some people think of adoption as, wham bam, there’s a baby, because to the outside world, they didn’t get to prepare for nine months watching you grow and grow.. and getting used to you being a mom. But for the adoptive mother, they have spent months, even years growing and growing in non-visible ways.
Plus, adoptive parents and their children go through a honeymoon phase. They are so excited to have each other that I know in our case, during the honeymoon phase, we never felt like we were getting accustomed to having each other around. We were so smitten with one another. She moved in in July, but it was not until September until I felt a moment of overwhelmedness. Which I think every mother goes through. I’ve talked to enough mothers to know this to be the case.
Also at first, I went through a phase that I never wanted to be apart from Little Miss and she’s FIVE just like Andrea feels towards Brady!!! But when you get an infant (by utero or legally), it won’t be until they are toddlers (usually) until this feelings go away. Now I am adjusted to it, and enjoy my time away.
Will it be different if you adopt your child than if you have your own child, of course. Just like every single one of your friends handled becoming a mom differently. Some felt deprived of friendships and felt like a baby separated them from loved ones, whereas another thinks a baby brings family closer together. No two pregnancies are the same, no two adoptions are the same, It’s going to be different, not just in each women, but in each child as well. But I think people should not underestimate the ease at which becoming a family (even with a five-year-old) can be in an adoption.
That being said, it also depends on the child. Hard children are hard regardless of how you get them. It’s a lot harder to adjust to a child who cries a lot, than one that sleeps and coos. Ask any mother of a temperamental child whether they became accustomed to their child quickly, they would say no.
I even know a mother who felt guilty because she had trouble liking her baby, though she loved her, until she was six months old and stopped crying constantly. I guess what I want to say, be careful assuming you will become accustomed to having a child around, just because you’re pregnant, you might be in for a shock if you have a colicky baby…. and don’t assume it’s hard to adjust to a child just because they are five… or so. Maybe it also depends on the temperament of the motehr and father too. I know Kevin and I are both easy going relaxed people, so having an easy relaxed five year old of course came so natural. Our next child/ren will probably be a tempermental diva/male equivalant to a diva, and things won’t go as smoothly… I expect that.
Shannon, the truth is, assuming you don’t shock me and get pregnant, both you and I will be missing out on things, like being pregnant, feeling the babies reactions in utero when we talk, when our husbands talk, when their sibling talks, and many other things. But there are things pregnant women miss out on as well. Like, hearing that your child is so excited to have both a mommy and daddy. The excitement of seeing color photos of your child before you get to see them in person for the first time. The flat stomach instantly after (and before) the baby comes home. Neither is better than the other, they both have their losses. What matters is the heart behind it.
Man, I need to stop blogging on your blog.
Wow. Lots of comments.
All I’m gonna say is I think you will love ANY baby or child iwth the intensity of a thousand suns. It doesn’t matter if you birth it or bring it home on an airplane (or whatever).
A lot of people asked me when I adopted Molly (my cockapoo) if I could love her as much as if I’d adopted a puppy that ONLY belonged to me.
You know what I thought? I thought they were kinda confused about love. If anything I love her MORE for what she’s survived and managed to still be a loveable and loving creature.
I know kids aren’t dogs, but it’s the closest thing I got, and man, I wish she could live forever and ever, and it doesn’t matter a BIT to me that someone else had her first. In fact, I’d do it again. And again. And again.
I think parents will bond with any child that they invite into their life.
I think there’s different rewards to each. For instance, an adoptive mother will have such a joyous experience being able to say she literally saved someone and invited them into their home, just to give them a good life. How truly amazing is that?
Birth mothers on the other hand have the joyous experience of looking at their children and seeing a combination of mother and father in their physical existence. A way to see themselves live on.
And I think each mother feels differently and loves differently. For instance, your comment: “There’s just something about carrying a child for 9 months and giving birth to it that creates a deep instinctual love.”
I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn’t hit with a wall of love and devotion. It took me literally a minute of hearing her cry to even realize that was my kid. She remained nameless for 4 days, and although I loved her since I knew I was pregnant, it was hard. She didn’t come with a manual, I have no background with infants, and it took a lot of work to get used to. Most parents want their babies to stay babies, and I look forward to each day as she gets older. I love that we can talk and play and communicate.
I’d almost have to disagree with KT only on the one point of adoption: “but I just think that in the beginning there takes some getting used to, getting accustomed with one another (especially if the baby isn’t a newborn when you adopt).” I watched Angie adopt and I can honestly say the month or 2 it took her was far less time than me. I feel like if you plan to adopt, your mental state is already at that maturity point that you are in fact ready to have a kid, plus you put so much time, energy and planning into it, that you are way more ready to have a child than many birth mothers are. Just my two cents so I can say I contribute to your blog.
I think its so strange that people have an opinion (whether or not they keep it to themselves) about where you acquire your children. You’re clearly going to do what’s best for you, and what you and the Giraffe want. I promise to be excited about your kids, regardless of where they come from.
I think some people don’t fully understand how magically awesome adoption is. I’ve gone through pregnancy, and love my son to pieces…but the moment I saw my son, and felt the intensity of a mother’s love, I knew IMMEDIATELY that I would want to adopt at least one child. My heart ached for the millions of kids who have never experienced a mother’s love.
I give you absolute props for knowing that you want to adopt…I think wanting to adopt without having children first means your heart is enormous and in the right place.
It surprises me that so many people (friends and family) or ANYONE feel like they should be able to weigh in on what you do with your uterus.
I know NOTHING about child birth. I know NOTHING about adoption. I know folks that have done both. I know those that have been adopted. And you know what? I’ve never seen one bit of difference in how children raise by biological parents vs. adopted parents are loved.
F anyone that feels the need to question your decisions. Actually – if you’re a drug addict or hoarder, you should probably listen to your loved ones if they stage an intervention but since this has nothing to do with that – don’t listen to them. Listen to your heart.
Oh and I guess you should listen to Giraffe since this is his decision too.
I just wanted to jump in and say that not every pregnant woman experiences that strong bond while the baby is in utero. Honestly, I just feel like I have a medical issue I’m dealing with. I don’t feel “fiercely protective” of my baby bump. I don’t sing or talk or read to it. I don’t obsess about the things I’m eating or doing and how things might affect the baby. In fact, I think when Seth and I refer to the baby, it comes out sounding much more like an out-of-town guest whose arrival we’re awaiting. She just isn’t family yet. …. I’m sure things will fall into place and we’ll be much more connected when she is born. So, in short, I don’t think I’m gaining any significant bonding time that one could never appreciate if adopting.
Pregnancy isn’t monumental and life-changing for everyone, y’know?
The Mister doesn’t feel the same way about adoption as I do, and I’ve had to compromise on that particular topic. I don’t get people’s irrational fear that you can’t love a child that isn’t physically yours. It’s just so unreasonable to me.