Some days
Today was a bad day. Yesterday was good, but today was bad. That’s pretty much how my life has been lately. I’ve tried to write about it, but I can’t seem to accurately describe how I’m feeling, so I just stop. I think it’s because I’m in an in-between phase—in between feeling awful and feeling good again. Yesterday I felt great. I got through work fine, and I spent the evening helping Robin make wedding invitations for a friend. Then she even talked me into going out for a drink, and I went to bed feeling fine. But I woke up feeling awful. I was sad again, and as much as I tried to fill my time with friends and family, the sadness followed me all day. Sometimes it just wants to be there. As much as I try to kick its ass and tell it to leave me the fuck alone already, it insists on hanging out some days.
I know it’s good that I’m having good days though. It means I’m on my way. It’s been just over a month, so I figure in another month I’ll feel even better. And in another month I might feel good again. And in another month maybe even great. And so on.
Lately it has been less about being sad about Brad and more about feeling so hurt by how it all happened. I feel so deceived. I feel like the whole thing was cheap and it cheapened the entire relationship. I feel betrayed. I deserved more, our relationship deserved a better ending. I just can’t get past knowing that he knew it was over long before I did, and he didn’t tell me. I can’t get over how he told me one thing for a week and then suddenly changed his story and the hurtful truth came out. He didn’t cheat on me in case that’s what this is sounding like (or at least I don’t think he did - I’m not sure what to think anymore), but I still feel like I was cheated in a lot of ways. I was so hurt by the way things went down that I think even after I move on from Brad, I will still carry around some hurt from the way it all came crashing down.
I still do miss him sometimes though. Some days I feel genuinely excited about the prospect of dating again. About having fun and meeting new people. I am excited about the idea of falling in love all over again, especially with someone who can love and appreciate me so much more than Brad did. I actually feel good sometimes about what’s to come.
Then other days I get discouraged. I get sad, feel lonely, feel the emptiness, and wonder if it will ever be filled. I wonder why it all fell apart, why he didn’t love me, why he thinks he’s better off without me, and if it’s really feasible that I can fall in love again. I don’t know what each day will bring, or even what each hour will bring. I’ve been in this in-between stage for about a week now and it’s pretty tiring, but I guess the in-between stage is better than the dark, depressing month that preceded it.
I’ll probably go back and forth like this for awhile. My relationship with Brad was so much of my world, and it’s a lot to let go of. Some days I am really eager to see what kinds of experiences this has freed me up for.
And some days I just miss my Brad.
August 24th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I’m sad that you’re feeling that way about what happened. I understand it, and I know why you feel that way, but I’m sad that those are your last thoughts of me. I never lied to you, I never held anything back from you. This was not a plan that was waiting for the right circumstances to align. It was a culmination of so many things, and one event was the catalyst that brought it all crashing down. And I know it didn’t all come crashing down for you, but it did for me. So i made a decision.
My overall feelings for you didn’t change as much as my reasons for wanting to be with you. I seriously made a huge transformation over the course of a weekend and decided things needed to change. I realized I wasn’t good for you, that this wasn’t working, and no small changes were fixing it. I think we’ll both be better for it in the end.
Do I miss you? Of course I do! I worry about you and wonder what you’re doing and wish I could just talk to you like we normally would. You were my best friend for 3+ years! I still love you for who you are, what we had and who you’ve helped me become. I will never give up on the good that we had, and I hope you don’t either. I don’t feel like I’m necessarily better off without you, just that we’re better off without each other at this point, and there is a difference.
I understand that the way things ended was very bad. Especially after we stopped communicating. But I saw that it was only making things worse, and we need more time. Even this is probably a mistake, posting on here. I hope that someday you’ll forgive me for how it ended, and that we can be good friends again. Maybe it’s unlikely, but I hope not.
And I’m not commenting here to argue, to prove my point, or whatever. I just wanted to let everyone know my side, too. I don’t want to be misrepresented/misinterpreted, either intentionally or unintentionally. And if you or your readers still think I’m an ass, that’s fine. That’s really unfortunate, but that’s ok. I dont expect anyone to understand fully, but maybe just know that I never meant for it to turn out this way, I’m not cold-blooded, and that I still care about you. I think that’s what matters the most right now. Maybe we’re in different parts of life now, but I think it’s good. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I just want us to be happy. The kind of happy that doesn’t come with constant questions.
August 24th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Shannon! I am so happy that you’re starting to feel at least a little better. I believe in you and your happiness. I know you aren’t feeling particularly clear-headed about how you’re feeling and what to think of everything, but this post is a great step in the right direction.
Rock it, sister.
August 24th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Thats definately progress! The hurt feeling will fade as well, especially as you get back into the “scene” again. I am so happy you are feeling a bit better!! *hugs*
August 24th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I was checking in daily and a little worried during the long lapse between posts–so I am really glad to hear you’re still hanging in and that things are even improving!
August 24th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I’m so glad to hear things are getting better too. It’s just like you say, maybe right now the good days are only every other day. But next month most of the days will be ‘good’ and after that most of the days will be ‘great.’ It’s a slow process but I’m so glad to hear that it’s moving towards better and then it’ll be moving towards great. And before you know it you’ll be 100% excited about what’s to come. I know it’ll be amazing for you!
August 24th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
You sound so much better than the last few times you posted. I’m glad your healing.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:58 am
I, too, was checking in and worried about the long absence. But I understand not being able to muster up the strength to post.
You’re going through the stages of grief just the way you should. First sadness and denial, and now hurt and anger. This is how you get through it. And you’re right, it will be better tomorrow and next week and next month.
I know this maybe be a little ‘high school,’ but this poem has always helped me:
“Comes the Dawn”
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company isn’t security.
(Kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.)
After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn.
–Author Unknown
August 25th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I’m glad to hear that you’re starting to have good days. That is a really good sign. Things have been hectic, but I’m going to send you an email later this week. Keep taking care of yourself, and things will keep feeling better and better.