She may be weary
Breathe. Sometimes I have to remind myself to exhale. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath to steady myself. Sometimes I stop in the middle of what I’m doing so I can close my eyes, breathe and stop the spinning.
Sleep is becoming a problem. I haven’t gotten any real sleep in a week. The last two nights I had two Excederin PM pills in me, and I still laid awake for hours. I’m tired and I’m weary. It’s making it harder to stave off the sadness. I’m tired and weary and sad, and I keep forgetting to breathe.
Today I start classes. I woke up at 6:50am and I won’t be home until after 9pm. I need a nap, but instead I have to be “on” for 14 straight hours. I’m not ready for this semester. It should be a distraction for me, but instead it feels like a big heavy burden that I’m not strong enough to carry.
I’m so tired of feeling bad. Everyone keeps saying it will get better, and I know I won’t feel like this my whole life, but I can’t believe I still wake up most days and feel the heaviness on my heart. I still have the knot in my stomach, I still have the lump in my throat from holding back tears. It’s been just over five weeks, and I have felt every single second of those weeks. Not a second has gone by that I wasn’t aware of. Time flies when you’re having fun, but time is endless when you feel the weight of every passing minute. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and feel better so this could all be behind me. It’s so hard to imagine that in another five weeks I might still be carrying some of this with me. Five weeks? That’s like an eternity in my mind. I can’t possible get through another five weeks of this. I’m not even sure how I’m going to get through today.
I’m so angry and hurt that he made me feel this way. He’s the one who admitted he just couldn’t get himself to do the work he knew was necessary. He’s the one who was unwilling to commit. He’s the one who couldn’t give his all and who probably took me for granted. So why am I the one hurting? Shouldn’t it be me who says, I deserve better, so I’m done with you. Look what you’re missing, look what you’re giving up! Shouldn’t he be the one who regrets not doing enough for me and for us? Shouldn’t he be hurting? How did this all get so backwards?
I’ve tried to convince my heart that in fact it was me who broke up with him because I know I deserve better than him. All those times that I got frustrated and questioned our future and he asked me not to give up on him – well it finally was too much and I walked away for my own good. That’s what I tell my heart. But my heart doesn’t really care because no matter what, it’s broken. Even if I had been the one to leave, it would have been because this man who I had invested my whole self in decided he couldn’t do the same. Because the one person I wanted to love me forever couldn’t do that. Because all my hard work was rejected. Because all my faith in him was wasted. It would have been because I wasn’t loved by the person I loved, and that causes a broken heart no matter who does the leaving.
Still, he should be the one hurting, not me. But it is me.
And it’s still not going away.
I’ve learned that I don’t handle grief well. Or at least I don’t handle it quietly. I can’t push it away and I can’t ignore it. It’s always right there. I make lists of the things that I can be thankful for, I seek out the things that make me happy, I try to distract myself, I try to force myself to be happy. But after five and a half weeks I’m just so tired. And weary. And sad.
[Thank you to everyone for continuing to be there for me with your comments and emails. I know nothing I write really reflects it, but reading your support has truly helped. The last five weeks would have been even worse if I couldn't write about it all, and in return learn from all of you.]
August 26th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Hang in there. That’s all I can say. Just hang in there and keep writing. We’re listening.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Keep it up! You are totally right…just remember to breathe. Take care.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:20 am
So tonight, I was walking out a friends door and I saw the most beautiful stars outside. The sky was gorgeous. I loved it. Even the lighting on the tree aside the massive sky was so beautifully lit. I knew it was a blessing from God.
Something I have found, the bigger the issues I go through in life, the more I find joy in the little things. Not during the issues, but afterwards. They won’t cause your heart ache to go away, and maybe they won’t even cause one less tear to fall. But they are there, even when you are unable to see them. I pray that as each day passes, more and more of those moments will come to you, when you feel totally and utterly blessed. When something small makes you smile or laugh.
Not to diminish the pain, because as much as you hate it, you need the pain. The tears are important too. But so are the smiles. Maybe my prayers are silly, and maybe you don’t understand them or find them pointless. But, if I could give you a gift, it would be that each day for the next year you see one glimpse of something that perks your interest to the point, you feel a small blessing. Whether it be your sister doing something stupid that you find funny, or a pretty rose or sky.
Unfortunately, I can’t give those sort of gifts, the best I can do is pray to Someone who can. Sorry for the corniness.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:33 am
That’s all you can do. Breathe in, breathe out. Take it one minute-hour-day at a time, and gradually it will suck less. It seems impossible, but it will. Talking with a therapist is super super helpful - hopefully you’ve tracked one down? Grad schools usually offer free counseling.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
virtual blog hugs.
my own breakups have taken much too long to get over. In the end I’m glad I’m not with any of them.
>>the one person I wanted to love me forever couldn’t do that
Only so far… that was the past, and you have a huge future awaiting you. There will be someone else, someone better.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Still sending good thoughts your way…