Medicinal comfort
Well, I’m officially on Xanax. Or at least I have a small pill bottle handy for when I need it… which I hope isn’t often.
I’m glad I saw a doctor, but I must admit that I felt a little ridiculous sitting on the exam table explaining that I was there because my boyfriend realized he didn’t love me and he broke up with me, and I can’t handle it so please medicate me. I almost never go to the doctor and there I am, having my blood pressure taken because of a broken heart.
There was a moment when I was sitting in the exam room alone, after the nurse took my vitals and before the PA came in, that I suddenly became aware of myself. Sitting in a sterile room, staring vacantly into a corner. Feeling empty and alone. How did this happen to me?
And worse. Instead of snapping out of it, I seriously wished I could curl up in that corner and just lay quietly. Maybe sleep if I’m lucky. It was a corner kind of tucked behind the exam table. It was dark and small and private. I wanted to just curl up and be there until they made me leave.
Then suddenly my alarm went off. I heard the little tune that my phone plays when I have to use it as an alarm. And for a second I wished that maybe I was asleep and I had been dreaming all along. And now it was time to get up and live the life I had a month ago. But no, it was just a cell phone in the next room. Thin walls I guess.
But oh well. This is my life now. We’ll see what I can do with it I guess.
August 6th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Hug. I’m so glad you went through with the doctor visit. Email me if you need to talk!
August 6th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Xanax is good immediate short-term solution - yay for that! Next step is an awesome therapist who can help you cope with the longer term follow up. Call as soon as you can (ask the dr. for a recommendation, or school health services, or friends you know), because it can sometimes take some time to get an appointment. It is *so* worthwhile.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I know you probably don’t want to hear someone else saying “I’ve been there” … but I have.
A few years ago, my ex Ryan and I bought a place together. I was madly in love, we were shopping for wedding rings and planning our life together and then suddenly he told me he stopped loving me. It seemed completely out of the blue and I was devastated. I went through SOOO much of what you’re describing.
I remember the endless sobbing. I remember not wanting to eat or move or see people. I felt so completely alone. And I remember the day I broke down and went to the doctor — and how much more alone I felt sitting there in that office. But I can honestly tell you that without that doctor’s visit, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be alive now. Admitting that I needed help and forcing myself to take that step was monumental.
I’m sure things will look up at some point. There’s no other direction for them to go, right?