Insignificance
I want to go to bed – I’m tired – but I can’t. For the first time since he left me, I’d rather stay up than go to bed alone. Brad and I rarely ever went to bed at the same time, and neither of us were much for nighttime cuddling, so going to bed by myself hasn’t been as hard as waking up alone. But tonight I just can’t do it, so I’ve been sitting up, doing different things to avoid bedtime.
I was doing better for a few days, feeling stronger, but today I sunk again. I spent most of the day with my sisters, but I still managed to feel lonely. As soon as I drove away to come home I started crying, and I haven’t stopped for very long since. It’s been a few days since I’ve cried and I think my tears were stored up, waiting to come out. There’s just a sadness deep inside of me that needed to come out, something I had been holding back. Something I couldn’t stop this time.
I tried to do a lot of things to fix or ignore it. I tried to think of all things I have to be happy about, I tried watching funny things on tv, I tried reading, I tried eating a few times but mostly felt like throwing up, I tried sitting quietly and concentrating on my breathing, I called my sister, I packed for my vacation. But still I cried. Over and over until I finally ended up crumpled on the laundry room floor (where I had gone to get another box of tissues) sobbing out loud. To myself.
The thing I don’t get is why was he so significant in my life and I was so insignificant in his? How can two people be in the same relationship for over three years and have such different reactions to its end? I think one of the biggest reasons I’m such a mess is because I lost such a huge part me. He was so important in my life, so huge, so significant. Even if this is for the best, how do you not feel awful and empty and lonely and desperate when something that big is gone? Even if you choose to get rid of it, don’t you still feel a despairing loss when it’s gone? But he doesn’t feel that. Please don’t tell me I’m wrong. I know he’s not completely content, and I know everyone deals with things differently, but I promise you he doesn’t feel what he would feel if I meant to him what he meant to me. Even if he was done loving me, even if he couldn’t be with me, even if he chose to be done with me. If he was losing a truly significant part of his life, he would feel something more than “okay, mostly concerned for you.”
Even if he doesn’t deserve these tears, he gets them because I let him become such a fundamental and enormous part of me. Why wasn’t I that to him? Why doesn’t my absence warrant some meaningful pain? Why is he so quick and confident in his proclamations that he can and will and wants to move on from what we had to other things and other people? Why did I think I meant more to him than I did?
I haven’t talked to him in awhile, so I don’t know what he’s doing. But I know it’s not crying on the floor of his laundry room. I know it’s not avoiding a bed without me in it. I know it’s not trying to force himself to feel better after losing one of those most significant parts of his life. Why the fuck am I the only doing that?
All I can think of is the times that I have left T (times I know you’ve been part of and listened to me on the other end of this kind of situation). At my breaking point, I had so much animosity, resentment, knowledge of things that weren’t working in my head that it shut off a lot of the emotion. Having built up that emotional wall already, made it less emotional for me to let him go. Though I still went through all of the sadness, loneliness, emptiness and regret of letting him go, it still wasn’t as bad as what he went through. When I would run into him or talk to him, I was cold and stern. I still had that wall up and standing strong. It was better, in my mind, to show him my sternness so I wouldn’t lead him to believe that there might be hope when I wasn’t sure there was any.
I don’t know how Brad feels, but this is the only insight to the other side that I have to offer. Maybe his emotional wall is up so that he can’t show you the emotions he might going through.
I wish I had something better to offer. You fell in love and we expect that, when we fall in love, to be loved back. That’s what love is all about. You invested your heart, your time, your devotion and your love in this relationship. Unfortunately, we have no control over the other half in the relationship. We can only pray that God will fortify our relationship if He sees fit to do so. I believe He has other plans for each of you and you will be blessed in the days to come.
I found your blog, interestingly enough, while Google searching “patch of freckles.” My husband and I were talking about the odd patch of freckles on my right arm, and I thought, you know, maybe someone else has an odd patch of freckles. Your patch of freckles pales in comparison to mine! I started reading your blog posts and found that we have some things in common. I like to write and was an English major. I still enjoy reading and writing though I have less time for it now than I would like. I enjoy your writing. There is a true honesty to it. I hope you will continue your blog. I used to have a blog but found that I only wrote during the summer (when I’m not teaching).
I am sorry for your situation with Brad. I think writing about your feelings is helping you cope with the situation. Though it isn’t much consolation now, I know from experience that time will heal your wounds and you will love again. I am now happily married and when my first engagement fell apart, I experienced the same feelings as you. I lost 20 pounds, didn’t want to get out of bed, etc. Then, about five month afterwards, I met my husband. All in all, it probably took me a year to get over the breakup, but I’ve never looked back. Be strong and know that getting yourself through this situation will only make you stronger!
I think it’s time you looked into therapy. It might help you to talk this through with an impartial party. It helped me.
Shan,
I write the following comments to you in hopes that it may help you find some closure. I realize what I have to say may be upsetting, but I hope it is not.
nearly 3 years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5.5 years. A man that I had adored, loved, and wanted to marry basically from the moment I met him. Our lives, however, went down very different paths. By the time I was really ready to end things with him I had been worn so thin I could no longer stay in the relationship. For me, I was done mourning the loss of him by the time I had the courage to move on with my life. I’m not saying that Brad feels/felt this way, but maybe he’s so focused on other aspects of his life that he’s lost sight of what there was between the two of you. From what you’ve explained, he’s trying to find himself…and a lost man who doesn’t know who he is cannot give himself fully to love anyone else. Maybe the two of you were at different life-places and you both had to head in your own directions. You are in school and working, headed down a particular life-path, one that you have chosen. It sounds like Brad didn’t have his ducks in a row quite like you do. That can be a difficult difference to overcome between two people. His not mourning the breakup as openly and heavily as you are, does not mean he didn’t love you as much as you loved him. It doesn’t mean you weren’t as important to him. And it doesn’t mean he isn’t lonely or missing you. I’m a girl who’s been on the break-uper side of things, a girl who’s appeared unbroken after a break-up, that doesn’t mean it was easy or that the relationship wasn’t a HUGE part of my life and who I am. Because it certainly was, and I know you and your relationship were a significant part of Brad’s life.
Angie said it much better than I did. That’s what I was trying to say.
You weren’t insignificant. Not at all. Remember your break up before Brad? You were the one who fell out of love first, therefore you held the cards. Probably because you knew the end was coming and you had time to prepare.
Now you’re on the other end, he fell out of love first and you are the one feeling like you got hit with a Mack truck. You were blindsided.
You know that Brad is reading and feeling bad. But it’s best you guys get space. If he were still coming around, it would give you false hope. Some times the clean breaks are the most messy.
Take your time and mourn this relationship. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to need a little help to get through this. Reading your raw thoughts are startling, but this break up is still fresh. You’ll be okay.
Convince yourself that Brad did you a favor. Because now you are free to find a guy just as awesome as him, but who loves you more than words can say. How great is that? I don’t know when and where this guy will appear, but he’s out there and you are now free to find him, when you’re willing.
But for now, let it all out. But know you are not insignificant.
You have such wise readers. I’ve also been “on the other side” and acted cold and stern while feeling like a total huge mess. And I agree with CaliSlim – you’re now free to pursue a truly amazing relationship in which you’ll get the love you deserve. (When you’re ready, of course.)
I have no answers for you. I just want to say that I’m very sorry you are hurting so much right now and I’m thinking of you. All I can say is that it will get better. I believe that and I hope you do too.
I know exactly what you’re saying and it’s extremely relevant because Greg and I just broke up, after being together for 3 and a half years. He did this tonight and it’s almost time to go to bed. I know this post is a couple of days old now, but just be aware that if you’re ever sobbing on your laundry room floor again, there’s a good chance I’m doing the same thing over here. I hope you’re feeling better again.
Love you hun. Breakups always suck, but they’re much less hard on the breaker, especially if they’re men. I’m convinced that guys have an extra thick wall they can throw up when they need to. I know I have one at least. Hang in there, and if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. You’re a great friend, and I hate to see you in pain.
Okay, sorry Shannon, I didn’t mean to me-me up your post. Had a moment of crazy, “this just happened twenty minutes ago to me and I want to die and can relate to something”-ness.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really know what the scale is for “normal” feelings in a situation like this, but I know it will, eventually, really go away. At least to the point where it’s a bittersweet thing, rather than a general feeling of doom and sadness. You’re such a fantastic person, and you will attract someone great to match you. I know it’s hard to hear now, because you don’t want to even think about looking at someone else’s face (perhaps this is my thing, I’ve got this issue of EXTREME FACIAL ATTACHMENT) or touching other guys in any way, or any of that, because it’s not even remotely appealing right now. Like, to bring it back around to me me me, I currently, really desperately want a really bone-crushing hug to kind of envelop my entire body and shield it from this kind of horrendous pain, but it’s not like I want any old jerk to do that; I want the jerk (or not jerk, as I don’t hate mine either) who did this to me, to do it. But, (back to you now!) eventually, another person is going to come along and you’re going to be like, whoa, this person is great. Even if you never really thought it would happen.
Another thing. I don’t know if you’ve gone through any prior terrible, terrible breakups in which you were on this same, crappy end, but in a way it can be sort of therapeutic. Like. Yeah, I know it sounds insane. But there’s something to be said for feeling so incredibly, mindblowingly awful that you can think about nothing else. I mean, at least you’re really feeling? You should take this time to almost embrace the awfulness, if you can, even though that sounds stupid. It’s maybe not a bad idea to be medicated and stuff, but feeling as bad as you do doesn’t seem all that freakish to me. It seems like you were really caught off guard, and you trusted this person completely, and you had this idea in your head of what was going to happen, and what he thought, and then it turned out to be wrong, and that’s heartbreaking. It makes sense that you feel like this. But I really think it will get better. I don’t think you should worry about how long it’s taking, but I am sorry it’s hurting for so long, and I hope you feel better soon.
God, sorry I’m so inarticulate. Summary:
You’re amazing. You will start to feel better. Good things are going to come to you, and this will be a distant, bummer of a memory and you’ll be amazed at how much it affected you because you will be doing quite alright without him. Hang in there.
…Breakups DO suck… I am still feeling much sympathy for you. Hang in there. Meanwhile I have a question. Just imagine for a moment that Brad were not the main problem right now. How would you go about seeking happiness then?
how are you doing girl?
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I went through a bad breakup in college. I thought the school and work would help distract me, but I think the stress of trying to put on a brave face sometimes just made things worse. It took months (and a short stint in therapy) for me to truly feel better. It will get slightly less awful as you move on. Remember that your whole life was wound up with Brad’s, and it’s gonna take a little time to rebuild your life with a new set of rules (at least you get to write the new rules by yourself, right?). Don’t feel ashamed of your grief, or compare what you’re feeling to what you think you should be feeling. Things will get better.
What Angie said.
I’m wondering how you’re doing…