How much longer do I have to do this?
Last night I was feeling kind of okay. I actually went a whole 20 minutes at one point without thinking about Brad, the breakup or anything related. I wasn’t feeling amazing, but I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up either. I wasn’t happy or chipper or light-hearted by any means, but I felt like I might actually survive.
Before going to bed last night, I repeated to myself, “Hold onto this feeling. If you can just hold on to this feeling, don’t backslide, just stay right here for awhile, you’ll be okay. And soon you might actually feel good. Just don’t go back. Hold on.”
But this morning I woke up with the usual knot in my stomach. It’s like I’m nervous and anxious and sad and overwhelmed all at once. Mornings are the worst, I’ve already said that. But it’s also the worst time to feel the worst because I have to sit at my desk, in plain view of everyone, and try to hold it together.
I decided to make some tea, hoping it would have some sort of calming affect on me. And while I was heating the water, I suddenly couldn’t hold it in anymore. I bent over, leaning against the counter, right there in the middle of the break room, because I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. After a few deep breaths, I rushed into the bathroom and fell against the wall. Crying.
Why is this still happening? How can I feel okay last night, then fall completely apart less than 24 hours later? Nothing happened to provoke it. It’s just there. Always. And always so strong the first half of the day. I expected that I might still feel a little sad at this point, but I didn’t it expect it to still overwhelm me. To still feel so deep and unmanageable. Why am I so weak? Why can’t I handle heartbreak with dignity like everyone else seems to? Why can’t my head start talking to my heart and tell it to get a hold of itself already!
I’m looking into counseling. I thought if I got through the first few weeks without it, I should be able to do the rest without it too. But if I’m still feeling so weak and still so helpless to make myself feel better, I might need some professional help. I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’m trying.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Shannon, hug. I think counseling will help.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Everyone deals with heartbreak differently and many may be able to put on a brave face at work and then completely break down in private. You’re not doing anything wrong just because it seems like everyone else must be able to do it better. And you’re not weak. You’re just human and you fell in love and now that love is over, which is horribly sad and which is a justifiable reason to feel like crap. I know it’s hard but try not to berate yourself for not handling things like everyone else. You’re managing as well as you can and that’s an accomplishment in itself. You’re having periods of time where you’re doing all right so just keep thinking of that. You’re doing well! I agree with others who’ve said it before, professional help can really help you if you’re getting frustrated because you’re struggling. Even someone to sit and talk to might help. It will get better, even though it seems like an impossibility right about now. Before you know it the mornings will be like the evenings and it’ll be a bit better every day. Don’t give up because you’ll get through this!
August 28th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I think counseling sounds good, too, to help get you on the right track and out of the sadness. I worry about you and will continue to send lots of happy and healthy thoughts your way, my dear.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hmm. Here’s my thing. It’s only been 5 weeks. You were with Brad for how long? I’ve heard (and believe) that it takes half the time you were with someone (or had someone in your life) to completely get over that person when you lose them. Whether by death or break up. (For a pop culture reference: If you watch Sex and the City, Charlotte believes it takes one month for every year you were together. If you want to go that way, you still have several weeks to start feeling somewhat normal.)
While I firmly believe in counseling and talking through your problems, you are by NO MEANS out of the ordinary here. I sobbed for a month after a break up of a three-year relationship, and then I was a zombie for a couple of months after that. This is normal. Perfectly normal.
A break up of this magnitude is like a death. If someone were still sad 5 weeks after their significant other passed away, would you think that was out of the ordinary? I wouldn’t. But yes, each day will be different and each day will get better. Soon the pain you feel will be a little duller. Soon Brad won’t be the first thing you think about it the morning - maybe the second, but not the first.
My favorite conversation from Swingers, which makes COMPLETE sense to me. I lived this:
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It’s like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda weird, but it’s like, it’s like you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her… because you lived with it for so long.
You’re good, Shannon. Everything is going to be just fine.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Oh Shannon! I hope you find someone who can help you work through this. I agree with another commenter that you might be able to go to your school and they can offer up some free help. I think this is a wise step. Believe me, after nearly three years of it, I keep going back!
Funny thing, I got this in an email today from someone trying to help me out. Amazing how it is relevant here. He said, “taking the first steps are often the hardest. Just like anything on earth, momentum is subject to the laws of physics. It takes more energy to move an object from a static position into motion than it does to keep that same object in motion.”
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 28th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
What A. said. She’s good people. I know her.
Also counseling = good. It might really help you sort out some of your feelings.
Also, you aren’t crazy and this isn’t abnormal. Especially with the way things ended. Just keep hanging in there. You even made a joke on my blog! That’s the Shan I know and love.