This roller coaster stuff is not working for me. I don’t like seeing a glimmer of hope for the future just to have the shades pulled down, leaving me feeling dark and lonely again. Yesterday evening I felt pretty okay. I was prepared to curl up in pajamas and watch a movie, and I was completely fine with that. Then my friend Erica called, and she came to hang out with me for a few hours instead. We only talked about Brad and the breakup for about 15 minutes, and I didn’t cry once. After she left there was some drama with my sister, so that distracted me for awhile, then it was time for bed. I went to sleep feeling hopeful, like I could actually see an end to this. Like Brad doesn’t know what he’s giving up and I’m better off without him. Like maybe I could eventually get through a day without missing him or hating him for what he did. I didn’t feel good, but I felt like I could feel good someday.

Then I woke up and I had to face it all again. I feel really sad again today, and really lonely. Mornings seem to be the worst. Even though I managed to eat dinner last night, I still can’t eat breakfast. I still feel too depleted in the morning to put much effort into my appearance. I wear my glasses a lot because contacts are too much work. My clothes often don’t match or make any sense. I really don’t care. I spend the first few hours at work each day wishing I could go home and crawl back into bed and forget all this. Mornings are the hardest.

Next week I’m going on vacation with my family. We are staying in a cottage on Lake Michigan for a week, a trip we did last year as well. Last year Brad was with me – this year he won’t be. He was supposed to come, but three weeks before the trip he decided to do something about the fact that he doesn’t actually love me. Now I’m going as a single. Two of my sisters are bringing their boyfriends (the third has to work all week), my brother is bringing his girlfriend and kids, and my dad and his wife and two kids will be there. I’m the only one going solo.

I thought about skipping it because the thought of going to bed alone at night, in the same bed Brad and I shared last summer, while everyone else snuggles up next to someone else, breaks my heart. I’m not sure I can do that five nights in a row. I’m not worried about being left out of anything, but I’m worried about being a charity case, a third wheel, an extra. Emily organized all the meals earlier this week and sent an email requesting money from everyone. The list looked something like this:

Dad and happy family
Josh and happy family
Andrea and happy family (her boyfriend’s daughter is coming as well)
Emily and the love of her life
Shannon

There’s me, all alone. Single. Solo. And I’m just not sure I’m ready to face that so head-on yet. I know if I need to be anywhere next week it’s with my family, but there might just be too many memories of the fun we had last year, and too many reminders of who is not there with me this year.

My god, is it after noon yet? I hate mornings.