Another fall
Me. Sitting on the steps outside my sister’s house. Alone. Sobbing, shaking, rocking, choking for breath. Wishing someone would come find me and wrap me in their arms.
That was yesterday. I haven’t felt that bad in weeks, and it was a major step back for me. I’m still recovering. It was my fear – that as soon as I wrote about starting to feel better, as soon as I put it out into the universe, I would relapse. I didn’t expect it to be that bad though. I was a shameful mess.
It was a bad weekend. I’ve slept horribly the last three nights, so I’m trying to blame the intense emotions on sleep deprivation and PMS. Unfortunately I think the truth is that it’s all still there, just under the surface.
At this point, I am starting to regret the majority of that relationship. It doesn’t seem worth all this crying, all the anxiety and the constant knot in my stomach. If it was going to end anyway, why not much sooner? Why did he drag it out so long if he was going to eventually give up? Why did he love me for over three years and then just stop?
I gave him too much of myself, I see that now. With my last boyfriend, I held back a lot. I didn’t let him get inside my heart, I didn’t let our relationship hurt me because I didn’t open myself up. Brad knew this and he told me repeatedly that he couldn’t be with me if I was going to shut him out. So I let him in. I let him in and I trusted that it was worth it, that we would work together to make this thing last forever. He let me do that, and then he left me. Why? Because he had a huge transformation over one weekend? Because he couldn’t bring himself to do the work anymore? Well that’s fine, that’s what he needed to do I guess. I didn’t get a say in it, but I have to accept his decision.
But I wonder now if it was worth it, if it was a mistake to give him so much of myself. And I fear that I may be too scared to ever do that again.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
hugs!
for what its worth, i don’t think it was a mistake to give him so much of yourself and someday i hope you will do it again and someday, it will be beautiful. if i hadn’t continued to give of myself, i wouldn’t now, today, be so blissfully happy and i have been where you are … stumbling in the dark of myself, crying and lost and feeling as though i would never heal as i clung to a bottle of gin ~ i’ll write about it all one of these days.
thinking of you .. sending you love
August 25th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
So many hugs going out to you. I pray that you don’t hold back in the future. What you wrote made me think of something my counselor made me plaster everywhere for me to see everyday. I don’t know the author, but I wanted to share it.
Risk
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To express your ideas and dreams is to risk their loss.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken.
The greatest hazard in life
is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow
but they simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love or live.
Only a person who risks is FREE!
August 25th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I am with you in every, every, every possible way on this. I really can’t do any better than those two comments above. They’re completely true, but it’s really hard to see that, or care very much, at times like these.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I know how you feel, though on a lesser scale. Having fallen out of favor with some friends, I have started to evaluate the relationship I had with them and if what we had could even be considered a friendship at all. I seem to be drawn to those who like to get more out of a relationship than what they invest, and this latest experience has made me wary of making any more friends. I just don’t trust people anymore. I’m hoping this feeling will pass because I would like to be able to trust people again.
I’m sorry you had a tough day. Don’t be afraid to let it out though, be it here or on your sister’s steps.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
life isn’t worth living if you don’t love all the way. sure, you will get hurt. and not just from lovers. friends, family….there are lots of situations where you can feel slighted. but to cut yourself off from the feeling of when it’s right, when it’s clicking, when you overwhelmingly love someone or something so much–that’s joy, shan.
it seems impossible now, but you will love again, whole-heartedly. and it will be returned to you. a person never loses their capacity to love.
sending you all my love–you can start with blog pals and it might not seem so scary–and support. also, i love jess’s little poem.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
p.s. the sleep deprivation will make anyone feel crazy. last summer when i was working around the clock, i was completely irrational. try and get lots of sleep and treat yourself right–relaxing stuff, like baths or books or whatever does it for you, good food, a glass (or four) of wine. i’ve heard exercise works wonders, but i hate to exercise so i wont’ recommend it.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I can’t really add anything that everyone else hasn’t said. Of course, you should put your all into relationships. No, you should not let the hurt of this relationship continue to hold you back from new love.
Right now, you are so very hurt and acting in self-preservation, but someday, you will feel strong enough to see that it will be worth it to be vulnerable again.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
You are focusing on the hurt right now. Yes, it hurts to open your heart and then let it get stomped on.
I’d advise against you never opening up again. You didn’t open up with your last boyfriend - that relationship didn’t work out. You did open up with Brad - and that relationship didn’t work out. Same outcome, only this time you are in a lot of pain. Don’t let that stop you from putting your all in your next relationship.
I’m glad you aren’t beating yourself up, even though you are beating up Brad. Continue to post your true feelings tho so that they don’t lie under the surface. Remember, Brad is human. He probably did the best he could. Many guys fail to ever tell their women the truth for the reasons you just expressed in your post above. Yes, he probably could have done it sooner. But he also could have dragged it out for another year or two. He could have married you, had kids with you and left you anyway. Be thankful you had someone that did respect you enough to finally let you go.
When you’re ready to move on, you’ll find yourself a fabulous relationship and you’ll wonder why you ever spent so much time being upset. This is just the darkness before the dawn.