Something’s missing
I had a dream last night that broke my heart all over again. Ever since the break up, one of the hardest things for me to deal with is the idea of Brad dating someone else. The mere thought, the vision of him with anyone else makes my stomach hurt. We have talked a couple times since that awful Sunday night, and we are both committed to maintaining some kind of friendship. We decided that just because the relationship part wasn’t working very well doesn’t mean that our friendship ever went away or ever has to. So it’s comforting to know that I won’t lose him completely right now. I thought it might be hard to see him, but we met to talk over the weekend and it was like a giant weight was lifted from my heart.
Brad came to mean a lot to me over the last few years. At one point, before we moved back here, he was my everything. My boyfriend, my best friend, my only friend, my family, my constant companion, my confidant. Everything. Having all of that ripped away from me at once was too much to bear, so knowing that I can still hold on to parts of it is helpful. I’m still devastated that we couldn’t make it work, but Sunday was the first day in over a week that I didn’t cry. That was nice.
But after last night’s dream, I feel awful all over again. It was just a dream, it’s not real and I’m no prophet. But it felt exactly as horrible and crushing as I imagined it would. He was seeing someone else, and he couldn’t understand why that would matter to me. It was the kind of dream that lasts all night, scene after scene of him giving his everything to someone else. Not me.
I know Brad has no intention of dating again anytime soon, and I definitely know that’s not the reason he ended our relationship. But that only comforts me so much when I look ahead and know that eventually there will be someone else.
It’s the little things I can’t stand to think about. The little things that girlfriends (or even dates) get that just friends do not. The hand holding. The small touches. The subtle, knowing glances. The extra attention. The adoring smiles. The giggling. The feeling that you are liked, that you’re attractive, that you’re appreciated. I can’t stand to think that he might kiss someone else the way he used to kiss me. Or look at someone else in that certain way.
I’m really glad to keep him in my life even as a friend, but I will forever miss the affection and the privileges that a friend is not allowed. And if I can’t have them, how can I possibly stand knowing that he’s giving them to someone else?
(I thought I was done crying, but here it is again…)
July 29th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I think this is always one of the hardest things to deal with. Even when I had moved on, knowing that he was moving on too killed me inside. It took years for me to get over that first love. When I finally came to the conclusion that we were each better off and I really only wanted him to find happiness in life was when I realized, too, that I was ok with him giving himself to someone else.
But right now, I think it’s ok to not be ok with that. Gosh, those kinds of dreams suck. I’ve had dreams where db has cheated and it seems so real. You wake up hurting and aching inside.
It’s amazing how our subconscious drives our dreams. I would love, love, love to study that.
Sending you hugs.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I have been through the same thing, and there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better. But life DOES get better, and even more perfect than you can imagine. (Cliche, but true). Hang in there!
July 29th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
bleh. that’s an awful feeling. once i had a dream william cheated on me, and it was SO REAL that when i woke up, i rolled over and punched him in the arm (good thing i couldn’t see his face!). i know how hard it can be to shake those dreams.
but, you know, it’s hard to imagine at this point, but there will be someone out there for you eventually who does those things for you and with you. . . and that might end any jealousy you have about brad dating again. it doesn’t mean you’ll be alone when this situation arises.
nonetheless, my heart just hurts for you. heartache is the worst.
the only other advice i can add is that you can’t find that forevereveryfriendmanconfidant if you’re with someone else who isn’t willing to be that. so there is a silver lining in there somewhere.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:04 am
GAH. Just caught up on your blog and I’m SO SORRY.
Also, maybe you should stop with the Gilmore Girls before you ruin anymore episodes?
I wish I could offer some sort of advice or joke, but I really don’t know how to make the car wash closer.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I have found that trying to be friends too soon after a break-up just confuses things. Even if you part under the best of terms, it’s so tempting to want your former partner to comfort you through the dreadfulness, and doing so just prolongs the agony.
I am sending continued compassion your way.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I am so sorry - the feeling you can get from a dream sometime adds to your current grief. I think you’ll probably go through all the stages of grief. Along with that - I completely can relate to you worrying about when/if he dates someone else. I’m married now and even sometimes now I’ll think about him and an ex and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I think you need to give yourself time to feel all of those things and realize that they’re completely normal. I do have to say though that although I think it’s good that you haven’t cut off all communication, based on my own experience I would try to limit that communication. I think it will force you to get onto your own two feet more quickly than if you depend on him too much. But that’s a personal decision and what works for me may not work for everyone - so just listen to your instincts!
July 30th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I hate to say this, but in my experience, Dori’s absolutely right. My ex and I were on again/off again for 6+ years and I desperately tried to transition into a friendship with him after our breakup. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him completely. But in all honesty, it messed with my head. The best thing I ever did for my own sanity was ceasing all communication with him for a year. I was able to regroup and re-form my own identity as Lindsay rather than just half of LindsayandAaron. …. I’m not saying you have to do this, or that the absence is crucial. That’s a personal and very life-changing decision, really. That’s just what *I* had to do.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I think we can all relate to that awful feeling.
My last boyfriend actually went so far as to flaunt his new girlfriend around me and it was just nauseating.
It’s hard to imagine someone you care about with another person but I hope that even just by writing about it, it’ll help you to move on.
You know the blogosphere is always here for you!
July 31st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Oh nooo. I feel so sad for you. I have felt that broken-hearted feeling a few times and it didn’t seem to matter how wrong the guy was, either. I hope you can lean on your friends who’ve offered you support; grieving is so necessary.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:35 am
I’ve never had a broken heart. I have no words of advice. I just want you to know that I will always be there if you need me. You’re my oldest friend, and if you need anything, please let me know.
Also, I think it’s brave and cool of you to share your thoughts and feelings in a time like this. I hope getting it down “on paper” helps heal things just a bit faster. You’ve always enjoyed writing, and I’m glad that you’re sharing your gift with everyone, even if it is a painful time for you.
*Hug*