My long weekend sure didn’t feel long, it just felt busy. Friday we went to Jackson (where B’s family lives), ate at my favorite pizza joint, visited my favorite ice cream place and saw some fireworks. Saturday we attended a summer backyard party with some friends and then headed home. On Sunday Brad moved out.
He packed up all his stuff and moved into a new apartment about 20 minutes away. This makes sense since my friend Robin moved in the previous weekend, and as spacious as the as our apartment is, there’s really not room for three people. One of us had to go.
Actually, this has been planned for awhile. A few months actually. It was back then that I sort of had an epiphany: maybe Brad isn’t my future husband. Maybe he is. But maybe he’s not. And what if I spend another year or two, on top of the three I’ve already spent, thinking that he is and dedicating myself to this relationship, and then he decides he doesn’t want to spend his life with me? We both know that marriage isn’t a real option until we’re done with school (or even longer, most likely), but I have long considered Brad my future husband. It was just about timing and getting things in order.
But it suddenly became apparent that maybe Brad wasn’t entirely on the same page. The realization came about because I presented Brad with this scenario and I asked him if he could decidedly say that I was who he wanted to be with forever. Did he know that I was the one? Was he ready to commit to that notion? Was he ready to start living life as a “we”? The answer was basically no.
Right now Brad is trying to finish school so he can find a good job and then start his life, and even though I think his personal goals can be folded into our mutual goals, he wants to focus on himself right now. He’s not ready to say for sure that this thing we’ve got going is a forever thing. He’s not ready yet to adjust his life in the ways required for us to one day, eventually, get married.
It’s not that I want to get married right now (I don’t at all), and I don’t even want to be engaged right now. That’s not it. Here’s the bottom line: there is a way you live your life when you are committed to the future of a relationship and there is a way you live your life when you’re just a girlfriend or boyfriend (and no this has nothing to do with sex in case you think ‘committed’ can only mean not having sex with other people). I want to start living our lives like the former, Brad is content living our lives like the latter. And that’s why there needed to be a change.
So here were the options: continue living with a guy who is not committed to the future of our relationship, or have him move out. I chose what I think is the lesser of two evils. I don’t like either option, but since he thought moving out was a good idea too, that’s what we decided would happen.
We’re still together though. The thing is, we love being together. He’s a really great person to be with, but I just can’t give it everything I have like I was before. I can’t be in a committed relationship with plans for the future if he’s not in it with me. But I don’t want to lose a great boyfriend just because he may not be my future husband. Brad is a good boyfriend, he’s just not a good life partner right now. And since I’m in no hurry to be married at this stage of life, I’m going to keep the good boyfriend around. He just won’t be around quite as much…
I don’t know if this is the right decision. Maybe I deserve better and I should ditch him now and start living the single life. Or maybe I can’t expect anything better and I should be lucky to have such a good guy even if he doesn’t want to commit to our relationship just yet. I really have no idea, so I’m just doing what feels right for right now, and we’ll see what the future brings.
i’m with ya no matter what. xoxo
Just for clarification purposes, I’m not some guy who’s keeping Shan on the fringes until something (or someone) better comes along. I just need to figure myself out before I can even start figuring out an ‘us.’
It’s very complicate and I seriously struggle with it everyday. We have our good days and our bad days and our great days. Luckily no really bad days lately. This move is definitely different and will take its toll, I am sure.
It’s all part of the ride…
I’m thinking good thoughts for both of you. Sounds like it’s the right thing to do at this moment in time.
It’s a bumpy road, but it sounds like you two have your seatbelts on. I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes.
As long as you are happy, that is what matters most. Relationships are difficult, but it sounds like you are working through things together, which makes things a little easier. Follow your heart, it’ll lead you the right way. Best wishes!
This sounds so well thought out: I am impressed with how sensible you both sound and are. And how you’re still in touch with how you feel about it.
Well, you know how I feel. Kudos to both of you for knowing yourselves well enough to know what you want and don’t and for being able to make hard decisions.
Good luck! You know I hope everything works out for the best for the both of you!
My mom used to say you could meet someone and you two were perfect for each other, but just not right now. It happens. But I will also tell you that I told my present (and only) husband I loved him after 3 months of dating. I think he told me about a year later. We moved in together after dating for 3 years (I would have moved in after three months). We were engaged five or six years later (you just start to lose track). We’ve been married now for 7 years next week. Sometimes it’s worth hanging around for. (We’ve been together for 16 years.)
I’m sure you’ll work out what is best for both of you.
Well it sounds like you both are thinking clearly and being very grown-up. But Shannon if you need me to ride up I-75 and kick some tail, just let me know!
I heart your maturity.
I think as long as you’re being realistic, it’s a good thing. I mean if Brad NEVER gets to that point, then what? But, you should do what feels right. Love!
I wish you both the best, and I think that you both took the right approach in how you felt. I’m sure it will be nice having Robin around.
I’m surprised I didn’t know you guys were moving in with each other. 
I wish you both the best, and I think that you both took the right approach in how you felt. I’m sure it will be nice having Robin around.
I’m surprised I didn’t know you guys were moving in with each other. 
I think if you guys weren’t on the same page, you guys are making the right decision. I don’t necessarily think it means the end for your relationship but sometimes people stay in relationships that aren’t going anywhere just because they’re comfortable (heck – I did that for a year before I met my now husband).
I know a lot of people that have lived together and then apart only to end up getting back together.
I wholeheartedly second what Aurora said! It sounds like this was given a ton of thought and a mature, sensible solution was agreed upon without too much drama and with a pleasant outcome/future. That’s astounding! Good for you!
I’ve felt that way so many times — not necessarily wanting an engagement or marriage, but wanting to know it was in the cards — and not been able to articulate it, and things just fell apart. I’m so happy for you, Shan. Really. You’re going to be great.
Er, to be clear…I meant I’m happy for you for being so in-tune and strong, not necessarily for separating from Brad.
Whoa! I didn’t see that coming at all, but I do think that if it’s meant to be, it will be. Hang in there.
That makes sense. You have to do what is best for your relationship and your sanity.
Color me quite surprised as well. But it really sounds like you’re doing the right, sensible, mature thing. Good for you both.
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