Oh god, is she talking about the last name thing again?
Yes I am. And it’s long. So don’t start this if you’re in a hurry. I know how you are, so busy you only have time to skim your favorite blogs these days. Well slow down and set aside a little time for blog-reading. It’s important for your health. Proven scientific fact.
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The other night in class some people in my group started talking about last names. One of the girls is getting married soon, and she has been struggling with what to do about the last name issue. She said she had always planned to keep her last name, but her fiancé had “a really good argument” about why she should change it to his. She didn’t expand on what this “good argument” was, but now she is considering making her current last name into a second middle name.
My interest and deeply-considered feelings on this subject have already been documented on this site, so you know I couldn’t resist joining this conversation. I listened quietly for awhile until I couldn’t hold it anymore, then I jumped in with “So why exactly did you change your mind about keeping your name?”
I never did a clear answer on this from her, but I did share that I plan to keep my last name when I get married. Immediately the whole group looked at my left hand.
Are you engaged though?
No, but I’m really attached to my last name and I’m going to keep it.
Then the used-to-want-to-keep-my-name-until-my-fiancé-had-a-good-argument girl said the thing that makes my head spin every time.
Yeah, that’s what I used to think too. When I was in my “independent stage.” You’ll change your mind when you meet the right guy.
Of all the arguments for changing your last name, this one makes me the most frustrated. If you explain that you just never thought about it before, I can ask you what you might have done if you did think about. If you tell me that you didn’t know you even had a choice, I can ask you what you think now that you know you do. If you say that your last name used to be Ballikker and you couldn’t wait to marry your husband and become a Lopez, I really don’t blame you. If you explain that you want you, your husband and your kids to have the same last name, I can ask you if you ever considered using your last name instead. But when you tell me that you did it because you just love him so much and you’re so proud to be Mrs. Whatever because you’re just so proud of him and oh just wait until you meet the right guy, you’ll see, you’ll change your mind too? I kind of want to take a branding iron to your face.
I believe that you love your man, and I’m sure that you’re proud to be his wife, but the implication is that I don’t (or won’t) love my husband as much. If I did, I’d be tripping over myself to take his name. Or that my well thought out ideas of this whole thing, my personal opinion and decision, will mean nothing when I do finally meet the right guy. I take great offense to that. I can love someone, I can be proud of them and not want to change my name. Please don’t assume that I will change my mind just because you did.
[Before I go any further, I should include a disclaimer. I know that people learn and grow and change over time, so I’m fully aware that I, in fact, might change my mind for a multitude of reasons. But your assumptions only demonstrate that you don’t think I’ve given this serious thought, and that my friend, makes you wrong.]
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In a related story, a few weeks ago a friend said something similar to me. She said, essentially (with no prompting whatsoever – we weren’t even talking about this!): “I used to be like you. I used to think that stuff about keeping your name was important, but then I met Whoever and it didn’t matter anymore. I’d be proud to be Mrs. Whoever, and now I know all that stuff just isn’t important. You’ll see.”
I told her that she was wrong, that that is not the reason she is going to change her name. I may have been brash, but I told her that the real reason is that it’s a tradition of our culture. A lot of people who are in love get married and don’t change their names. Or they hyphenate, or they do a number of other things. They are no less proud or in love than you. If that’s really the reason, then why isn’t he taking your last name? Does he not love you that much? Is he not that proud to be your husband?
In a neutral world where there was no history of this custom, a couple who loved each other greatly and planned to get married might have a conversation about wanting the same last name. And they would discuss what to do—both have his, both have hers, both have both, create something new? And they would figure out together what is the best solution for both of them. Without bias, without preconceived notions, without the pressure of tradition, without the expectations of society, without blinders on. Did my friend have that conversation with her fiancé? No, I know for a fact she did not. And why not? Because we don’t live in that neutral world. We live in a culture that tells us women take their husband’s name, and even if you think you might not want to, it’s something you do for love. Just wait, you’ll see.
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Maybe part of the reason I feel so strongly about keeping my last name is that my own mother has changed hers seven times. She’s had some bad luck with marriage. Of course I wouldn’t get married unless I planned to make it work forever—I’m not planning on divorce—but I’ve seen the reality and so yes, it makes me wary. Let me just demonstrate for you what my mom’s name roller coaster has been like in the last 47 years (names have been altered obviously):
McElm to Wade to McElm to Dodd to Wade to McAlp to McElm to Huizenga
Yes the real McElm and McAlp names sounded that similar, and yes she changed her name to match her children’s (“Wade” – my dad’s last name) after her second divorce. The point is that somewhere in all of this, she kind of lost her identity. She has had so many different names that she doesn’t have any real connection to any of them anymore. Her newest name doesn’t fit her at all in my opinion, and even though she seems to have finally met the right guy, I don’t know if the final name change was really necessary. And even though she doesn’t seem that connected to any of her previous names, the one that seems the most genuinely her, the one that seems the most natural, is McElm, her original name.
I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to be this and then that and then this again. I know, I know, if I get married it should be forever and that won’t matter. But the name that fits me, the name that represents me and feels like home is mine. I don’t want another one, no matter how much I love someone.
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The final thing that I’m thinking about while I’m on this topic is this idea of the last name as a gift. I read on a message board recently that a woman’s fiancé had always planned on “giving his name to his wife” and that he felt like this was an important gift that she was rejecting by keeping her own name. That seems silly to me. I know he genuinely thinks it’s a gift because he’s probably been taught all along that it is. That someday he would meet the right girl and he would give her his name, and that he shouldn’t give that away until he meets the right woman. Huh, kind of like how girls are taught to save their virginity and only give it to the right guy. Why do you get the gift of my vagina and I get the gift of your name? Well, I don’t want it. So I’m sorry that your gift is being rejected but maybe you should have gotten to know me and my preferences better before deciding what kind of gift to give me. I’d much prefer a trip to Europe. Why isn’t that a tradition? The customary free trip to Europe when you get married? Instead of marking on your marriage license what your new name is, you mark where you’d like to travel: Czech Republic, Ireland, Italy, Poland?
The worst thing I’ve heard is this idea of women having to earn their future husband’s last name. One guy I know says that he basically demands that his fiancé take his last name. If she doesn’t want it, then she doesn’t need to marry him. Or I’ve heard of guys who say their girlfriend needs to change something about herself—her looks, her behavior, her opinions—before she can be allowed to carry the Whatever name. And what bothers me more is that women go for this! Oh okay, I so badly want to be Mrs. Whatever, I’ll shape up. I’ll change myself, just please please please give me the gift of your last name.
I better stop, I’m getting very sarcastic and people are going to start getting annoyed. Wait, is anyone even still reading? If you are, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. You can disagree all you want (and I really do respect your choice to change your name if that’s what you’ve done or want to do, this isn’t an attack on you or your decision), as long as you don’t call me bad names. I might even allow that if the bad names are framed by intelligent, thought-provoking words.
I will admit to just skimming this post (but only because I’m at work and about to get busted for reading blogs.)
I agree completely with you. 100%. And I think I might love you a little. Sorry.
I’m getting married in 2 weeks. I am not changing my last name. When my fiance and I first talked about it, a few months ago, it turned into a massive argument. His argument included:
- it’s tradition
- we should have the same last name because we’re a family
- it’s just “what’s done”
It was frustrating because a: we are not traditional people whatsoever and b: to defend any argument with “it’s just what’s done” makes you an asshat.
I told him that I would be willing to blend our last names into a new last name for both of us or find a whole new last name altogether. It was a really difficult argument to have and honestly, it’s probably not 100% resolved. He’s accepted that I’m not changing my name but I know he’s not happy about it. The neanderthals he hangs out with certainly aren’t helping the situation. I just remind him though, that the neanderthals are all single. He can’t argue with that.
I was all about not changing my name, and I didn’t (at first) despite all those “you’ll see” that I got too. The only reason I finally did change it after almost 2 1/2 years into the marriage was because I had a child. The logistical nightmare of insurance companies and daycares who couldn’t get it right did me in. The government and medical industry are seriously stuck in the dark ages apparently.
In this day and age you’d think enough people don’t have the same names as their children so they’d get it right, but no. The questioning looks and missent mail and the paperwork errors it caused prompted me to finally change it to match my husband and child’s. Seriously, I was once billed over $1k in daycare charges for kids that weren’t mine because they got the names mixed up. Now that I’m divorced and I can change it back, I’m just keeping it as is. I’ll pass on having to go back to the social security office ever again thankyourverymuch.
And yes, I was this close to making my son’s last name my name not the husband’s, but again the medical profession just assumed it was the same as his dad’s. The drugs obviously affected my ability to argue with anyone at that point. lol
And that’s what you call a long post
And here’s what you call a long comment…
I changed my name. My number one reason is because it felt like another symbol of ‘becoming a family.’ We actually did consider using my last name, and he was fine with it, but I think I said before, my maiden was hard for people to pronounce and I had always wanted to get rid of it.
I was glad to take on a simpler last name, but there was a good mourning period once it was final that I didn’t expect. I felt like I cut off my family and that made me sad. My maiden name also sounded a lot better than my current half-rhyme name. I don’t know. The new name still doesn’t feel totally comfortable and I’ve had it almost 2 years. I don’t know if that’s weird? If I had any other middle name than my own (which is my mom’s name and also fabulous) I would have made my middle name my maiden name, but I couldn’t get rid of it and I felt ridiculous having 4 names. Having changed my name, I would say not a bad decision, but not super awesome.
p.s. I highly doubt that if you chose to get married, you would pick a man who cared at all what you did with your last name.
i commented on the last post so you already have my thoughts on the matter but really wanted to say that i am appalled that people give you the, ‘i used to be like you but when you …’ line … why why why … thought alone would be enough to send me on a serious rant
regardless what it was about …
xo
errr … that alone … that alone … hahahaha thought alone would not send me on a serious rant, eep! when will i learn to proof read before hitting submit.
I like the idea that she’s taking his name because she’s in her “dependent phase.” (Which would be the opposite of thinking she wouldn’t change her name in her independent phase.)
But you should take this with a grain of salt; I don’t really love my husband of seven years.
I absolutely agree with everything said here, I just don’t know the solution. I’m not so tied to my last name that I would never give it up. But if I did like it, and my partner liked hers, what do we do?
The real problem lies with children. Whose name do you give them? Do you make them suffer through life with a hyphenation?
That aside, it will take forever for people to realize that the first choice on the list doesn’t have to be ‘take the man’s last name.’ It should definitely be a point of discussion. And it should open up some eyes when that discussion is met with too much resistance.
So have the discussion early.
I am almost positive I would have chosen to take my husbands last name no matter what. But to be honest, I feel more connected to my married name then my maiden name. My maiden name is my dad’s last name, and his biological families last name. I am not close to them. I am more attached to my mom’s side, and have even referred to myself as a “smith” girl. I also feel a really strong connection to Kevin’s family. As much as I do my own. And in some cases more so.
The reason our society takes the man’s last name, probably has something to do with the fact that in the Bible, the man is considered to be the head or leader of the house.
I have a Christian friend whom is big into feminism, you actually know her, who because of that fact, felt that by not accepting her husbands last name, was like not fully accepting him as a person nor as the head of the house. I’m not saying I agree with that, but that is another line of thinking.
I think even if I did feel a big connection to my last name. I’d probably be more apt to name my children that name, than keep it myself. I will always be a “smith” girl, despite never actually having had the name myself. I think Shakespeare said it best when he said, “what’s in a name, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” I am who I am, despite my name. My dad never had the last name of where he felt he belonged, and my aunt always had her husbands last name, even though she had no living children and divorced for years.
For me, it’s just a name- for you it’s more. And I think if he’s the right guy, he’ll see eye to eye with you.
@Angela: I think that’s the point, a name is just a name. But a lot more women say that than men. You don’t hear men saying ‘It’s just a name, so yeah, I’ll take yours. I’m still me within.’
Sure everyone has their opinions and their personal preferences, but that’s not the issue here. The issue is why those preferences and opinions manifest themselves, and whether the source is credible enough to base a lot of life on. Unfortunately names are a big part of what we do, who we are to others and how we get through life.
I’m not trying to prove you wrong or make a counterpoint, I’m just trying to add to the conversation.
Wow. 1) I do not believe in forcing opinions upon someone else, nor religion for that matter. 2) a well-thought out decision should be left to the individual or peoples involved.
I do plan on someday changing my name, because i want to have the same last name as my husband and children. It may not be a sophisticated reason, and I may change my mind when I actually do meet the boy I will marry, but for now, that’s my thought. I perfectly understand women (and men) who want to keep their last name. I’m really not a traditionalist, I’m more for what is right for the individual (does that make me an individualist?). I also get really irked when people assume that you’ll somehow change your thinking, or something magical will happen when you meet your future husband. Wait, so my single-person opinions, thoughts, beliefs, uh, life isn’t worth anything because I’m single? Ok, I’ll just wait until I’m engaged then, that’ll give my life meaning. WRONG!
It’s the end of your post that really got me going, though. I can’t believe that people will actually change things about themselves in order to get married. I’m all for growing and becoming a better person throughout my life, but to loose weight or take on some different personality trait or give up something you love to get your Mrs. (not because you actually want to, for yourself). That’s assanine. You are who you are, and anyone who loves you (friend, relative, or lover) should love you because of who you are.
-Great post Shan! (I could go on, but I’m trying not to get too worked up over here.)
I actually found your blog while researching this subject…
I am getting married in 2 weeks and I am deeply attached to my last name for many of the same reasons you are to yours.
I have struggled a great deal with what to do. I have decided to keep my name. It does get harder when you meet that “right guy”, but it shouldn’t mean you just go skipping into whatever tradition decides…
When people say “Which [insert generic Irish name here] are you?” I was always, and still am, proud to be associated with my family. I don’t want to lose that. My first name is (clearly) very Irish, and I think not having an Irish last name (i.e., my fiance’s) a.) doesn’t sound right, b.) removes that attachment to my history. Plus, I can not imagine living with a different name than my twin brother.
My FI, who I do love and whose wife I am very proud to be becoming, used to care a great deal that I take his name. He came around when he realized that it was my name, therefore, my decision, and that having the same last name doesn’t make us a family. We do.
I get very upset when people try to quantify our relationship based on whether or not I change my name. Or say, it’s disrespectful, or whatever…It’s my choice. Go away.
@Angela…I think one of the reasons I am keeping my name is the exact opposite of why your friend changed her name…My husband-to-be is not the “head of our family”.
We are. Together. Equally. We are equal partners and I think my keeping my name is a powerful outward statement to that affect.
He’s been my family sense we moved in together 3 years ago, and the SSA didn’t need to be involved then, so I see no reason why they need to be now…
But, maybe I’m just still in my “independent phase”
Wow – I am facing this decision right now! I have been married for almost 4 weeks and we’ve had one discussion about me changing my name since then. I had always thought I’d change my name when I was younger. But I saw my parents go through a nasty divorce and my mom had to rediscover who she was. That being said – I also realized over time that I have such an attachment to my last name. The more my now hubby’s family pressures me about being a [insert his last name here], the more uncomfortable I become. It’s almost like there’s this automatic thinking that a) once we’re married, I have to forget my family, history and am not in their family and b) I’m not proud to be a part of their family if I choose not to take his name.
I am very proud to be his wife, but I feel he should be just as equally proud to be my husband. When he’s brought up the subject, I’ve said I can understand wanting to have the same last name for when we have kids and asked if he wanted to change his name. The answer was a definite no – and I said “well now you know my hesitation – so there”.
I have a feeling that I’ll end up changing it after law school before we have kids – but I’m not sure if I’m up for it. I think my issue is – I want to make that decision on my own – without his pressure, the pressure of society, or of his family. All on my own – just as I’ve always made decisions. I don’t understand this automatic thinking that you get married, you change your name. It’s so frustrating!
I really appreciate your thoughts and think I’m going to link it to my blog and talk about it in today’s post!
Wow, Shan look at all the conversation you’ve generated!!
I admire you for wanting to keep your last name. I, on the other hand never really had such a desire to keep mine. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy being who I was, but it just felt right to me to take Andy’s name. Like I have read above, I wanted “our family” to all have the same name.
It’s really a personal preference, and it’s your choice to make.
You’re not wrong for wanting to keep your last name and I’m not wrong for taking my husbands.
@Amber: Your preference is fine, but you’re missing the point here. This whole discussion isn’t about what we all think is good, it’s about why we think that! Why did it “just feel right” to take Andy’s name? Because he’s a man? Because that’s what your mom did? Because that’s what most everyone does? Because you hated your old last name? Because his sounded better? Because it was Tuesday?
If you wanted “your family” to have the same last name, why not pick a new one like Anzelfaffer? Doesn’t that fulfill the requirement?
It’s not about “good for you for sticking to your preference.” It’s not about “we all have opinions and make our own choices.” Yeah, that’s a given. It’s about, look at what society has taught us, that keeping your last name is the exception to the rule that the woman takes the man’s last name.
No one here is trying to convince anyone else of changing their mind. The entire POINT of this all is to recognize WHY we think the way we do, and to think about if that really makes any sense at all. Sure we’ll get defensive when someone challenges our beliefs, but that’s the way it works. We got through slavery, women’s oppression, the British Empire and now GASP a black president in the same way. No one thought there was any reason to think differently until they started thinking about it. And maybe they thought about it and STILL thought the same way. That’s fine! As long as you’re making an educated decision.
If you can acknowledge that one of the reasons above is why you made that choice, then cool. But to say “because it just felt right” doesn’t cut it. With me, anyways. Nothing personal.
Great topic and good arguments on your part.
I think it’s just an area that while it’s a great discussion topic, it is one of those that people on one side of the spectrum feel one way the people on the other’s feel another and won’t meet in the middle.
I’m not going to get into my decision why I did anything but I think whether you take a name or not does not imply that you love your partner any less nor does it mean that you’re incapable of thinking for yourself (although I do question your classmate).
I think it is a personal decision and yes, perhaps it would be great if people decided not to go with the norm (and keeping your maiden name or taking the man’s last name is the norm these days).
We need more guys taking the woman’s last name!
Okay, just to stir up a little, I will brave being different yet again. I’m very unpopular in this conversation.
I actually like the tradition of taking the man’s last name. But I am a traditionalist in many sense. I want to be an at home mom. I have a strong faith in God, but hate the “holy roller” stuff. This may sadden you, because you don’t understand my way of thinking, but I actually like that Kevin and I have kind of an old fashioned relationship. We have joint checking, (with the exception of our fun accounts which are separate), I want to be an at home mom while my kids are not in school, I like that we’ve been together ten years and he still opens doors for me, I like that he is in essence the “breadwinner,” despite me making my income, I like that he is as close to my family as I am his, and sometimes I feel like he more belongs with my three brothers and I with his five sisters than the other way around. We share like cooking duties, and cleaning duties (okay he does more than I do, I’ll admit), but that’s because we both work. When I’m home more, I’m sure I’ll take over more of that, and I’m fine with that. He supports me going to get a degree, to fulfill my career aspirations, but also respects and encourages that I want to put that on hold till our theoretical children are in school.
I agree though, that you should never change who you are, just because your in love. I am the same person I was before i got married. And we have grown together with our thoughts as we dated. Kevin knew in the four years we dated that, I was a messy person, I knew that he was a neat freak. He learned he had to relax, and I knew I had to be more cleanly for respect to each other. But i’m still the messy person, and he’s still the cleanly person and we like to pick on each other for it. But that’s honestly the only change to our individual selves.
I am a big believer that two become one when you get married. But I think that just means you need to respect the other persons feelings and thoughts, not that you need to change your feelings and thoughts to match that person. If you are constantly trying to get the other person to change or wanting the other person to change you’ll just live in a house of fighting. As far as the two becoming one stuff, we are still individuals within that body.
If i were to have to choose a different last name, than Kevin’s. I would still want our last name to be the same. I would not choose my last name though. I am not a “Jones.” I was in name, but name only. I would rather choose a last name that was significant to both of us as a growing evolving couple. We both share German ancestry, so maybe something German that means united or utter nonesense. Something that defines us as a couple. And honestly, for us, his last name works.
Brad, I do understand that the issue is why, and I have my whys. For me it’s just a name. Would I feel differently if I had a strong connection to the name I was born with, I doubt it. But I wasn’t given the name at birth to whom I identify with. I never liked it, in sound, or in history. Though being a red head, the Irish last name fit me far better than the German one. Oddly though, I’m seventy-five percent German and an eighth Irish. Plus I like being identified with my husband’s family. And maybe it’s all that, but I like the tradition. Plus, I would not want Kevin to have my maiden name, heck part of me doesn’t want it either.
I’ll comment, though I totally came here on a whim, not wanting to go to sleep on the last Friday in my current job!!! Yeah! A new path for me! Anywho- you don’t know me but I too have an opinion. I didn’t see a comment from someone who’s made the decision not to change her name and is a couple of years into the marriage. Insert me.
I’ve been married for almost 2 years (in 2 weeks). I had the same general opinion on changing my last name as you with one HUGE added piece. It’s a f’ing hassle. I offered to change both of our last names (though it would have been a huge compromise on my part) because screw tradition, it’s a lot of work. If I’m going through it to be a family, you are too buddy. Alas, he likes his last name and his parents would freak. I am connected to my last name (I was close with my grandfather with the same last name, father not as much) and started a professional career with my name. It’s who I am.
2 years down the road, I don’t get much flack though I do live in California and that might be a reason. We introduce our selves as “Mark and Linda” not Mr. Peterson and Ms. Dolan. Even when traveling internationally or via the airplane, no one questions that we are married and have different names.
When we have kids- we’ll need to decide on last names. I’m thinking we want two kids so 1 will have my last name and 1 will have his. I’m not a fan of the hyphen, though I would consider 2 last names (spanish style) Dolan Peterson or Peterson Dolan… Not too convenient- so we’ll see. I grew up with a mom with a different last name and you know what- we dealt with it. It was our reality and it wasn’t a huge issue after I’d been in school for a couple of years.
SO there you go- More fodder.
great post, shan. i think there are some really great points you make. i have been trying to formulate a good response and an ‘awesome argument, girlfriend’ compliment, but it is late and i can’t quite get there intellectually right now.
for me, i changed my name (as you know). and even though we talk about that being the traditional choice and the easy way out, i can tell you that both wm and i have talked about how it’s actually kind of weird with me having a new last name–and i’m DEFINITELY not used to calling myself that. and i feel a little wistful when my computer autofill puts in my old last name when i start to type.
i can also say that towards the end of the post, i too feel appalled at some of your examples (the fact that they’re totally true, that is).
but i also have to point out that you have a totally awesome last name. i probably wouldn’t give that one up, either!
ok enough of not making sense. girl is tired. more thoughts to come.
All my point was to say is this a good post and I admire Shan for it.
I’m sorry, I hate to argue. I’ve enjoyed reading what everyone has to say, and there are a lot of good arguements for both sides in this post.
I may be typical, traditional or just following suite, but ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being “Mrs So-and-so,” and keeping my maiden name wasn’t important to me. Maybe it’s not a good enough anwer for some people, but oh well. I’m happy being Mrs. Thompson.
For the record, i agree this is an intriguing post and I loved reading everyones responses.
Shannon, I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I’m late to the game here but I just wanted to add my two cents. I, like many, always thought that I’d change my name when I get married. Mainly because it’s ‘what’s done’ but also because my last name is kind of a hassle. It’s hard to spell, no one knows how to pronounce it, plus it’s one letter different from a very well known swear word. So I figured, the sooner it’s gone, the better!
However, a friend of mine got married a few weeks ago and she did change her name. Except the reason she did it wasn’t because SHE wanted to, but because ‘it’s really important to [fiance]‘. She was actually very saddened to lose her name, because she felt like she was turning her back on her family. She’s from a relatively close family, but it’s much smaller than her new husband’s. Her fiance’s family started calling her ‘the new [fiance's last name] woman’ as soon as they got engaged. I found this all very sad because when I asked her about more of a compromise, she just said he wouldn’t like that.
All of it has really made me look at my own decision about my name and how I’d actually feel if I did change it. It’s made me feel more connected to my name and more insistent on a compromise on the name changing when the time comes that I do get married. And honestly? If a guy had such a problem compromising, I think it would definitely effect my decision on whether or not to marry him!
Thanks for the great post and for inspiring all the thought-provoking comments. I’ve really enjoyed reading them!
I, too, am kind of late to the game, but I wanted to add a quick comment to the discussion. I’ve been married for a little over a year now, and I took my husband’s name. We had several conversations as we approached the wedding, and we came up with a number of possibilities.
1) We each keep our own names, or create a “hybrid” with a hyphen or otherwise, thereby symbolizing our simultaneous unity and distinction within the couple-ship.
2) I take his name, as is tradition.
3) He takes my name, as is tradition in some parts of the world, and actually not unheard of in my family.
Now, I come from a very strong, solid family… one that can trace roots back to the Continent, etc. But also one that is loving and caring and just tight, generally. My husband comes from a very broken family, complete with alcoholism and abuse. Recently, he has gotten in touch with some members of his family who are not quite so, well, F’ed up. He was desperate to feel (and be) a part of a functional, loving, committed family. So we decided that having the same last name, both for us and for our future children, was important.
So why not take my name? Honestly, after all of the discussions (he was open to all possibilities), I came to feel very strongly that I wanted to take his name. It came to mean a lot to me. It’s difficult to describe, but it goes something like this. My family ties are so strong, and his so weak, that it felt like the right thing to do. I think we both wanted his name to mean something other than destruction and decay. We came close to his taking my name. But it ended up feeling kind of redemptive. Totally cheesy, right? But that’s the way it is. I haven’t regretted the decision for a second.
That said, I think that this is a decision that should be made BY COUPLES, with both eyes open. Mostly, it should be the case that both members should feel absolutely certain and solid in the decision, whatever it is, and whatever the reason. If couples are not on the same page, it leaves a gap for little resentments, which can fester. In this case, I think, there is no “should” except what is decided together.
Thanks for the post!
I’m ALSO late to the game, and I only got here due to a comment on Scomerican Girl’s blog.
First, it’s important to point out that the Brides taking of the Husband’s last name is a part of the “Social Contract” that has existed in nearly every western, near-eastern and far-eastern society since the advent of historical record.
Notable exceptions are the Pharaohnic lineages in ancient Egypt (where men ruled but the lineage passed through the women, so men joined the woman’s family) and some special circumstances in the Greek City States (Doric and Ionic cultures especially) and possibly Minoan nobility.
That’s a LOT of tradition to confront. Stupid reason or not (and I vote stupid) I can see why it’s difficult for a lot of “traditionally minded” women (and men) to see past that much tradition.
As I personally think the historical concept of the “Social Contract” is anachronistic at best, I’m not all that tied to the concept of “name taking” in modern marriages.
The concept of “my name as a gift” makes me laugh. I love my family and all, but my name isn’t any better then anyone else’s name, so how is that a gift?
I DO believe in a family having one family name, but that’s just my own personal bias towards everyone having the same moniker. I personally think either the Neilson Hyden’s solution (google makinglight) where both parties take both names (no hyphen) or the new family choosing an entirely new name make the most sense to me.
Personally I’m partial to the thought of a new family choosing a wholly new name. But that’s just me.
Theres a good way to get everyones attention!
I found the same kind of response when I wrote about this as well…
I hear ya girl.
If you care to commiserate:
http://www.zenproof.com/findingzen/2007/07/mrs-notmyhusban.html
Shannon, this is my favorite post in life. Seriously, you are so right on. I just emailed it to all my BFFs.
@Angela Married to the Breadwinner, I think I can accept people falling into particular marital roles (especially when it matches up with personality and skill set), however, I think it is totally and absolutely necessary to choose those because they are what is right for the couple based on lots of thought rather than based on gender. (I’m not arguing against you, since I don’t know what is the case for you two.)
Really good discussion. I am single and if I get married I will be taking my husbands name as it is tradition. That is my reason. I’m a traditional girl and believe in the tradition of marriage, so that’s all a part of that. But it’s not just a society thing, it’s a family thing. My mother took my father’s name, my grandmother took my grandfather’s name, etc. That’s how it works in my family and it’s what I believe in.
In addition, my father has 3 daughters, so there is no one to carry on his name. He has already come to grips that all three of us will follow tradition, just as his wife did. I don’t think he really minds either way.
I don’t know if any of your above commentators are black, as I am, but last names have always been a point of contention in the black community. Whereas many people can trace the origin of their names back hundreds of years, it’s no secret that many blacks in America have the last name of their slave masters. As a result, there is often no deep connection to the name to begin with. I’ve always liked my last name, but growing up, it’s something I’ve accepted that I’ll give up when I’m married (even if it’s trading one slave master name for another). So therefore you have a different mindset to begin with.