No better
Yesterday I bought a huge blended mocha frappuccino. I never buy coffee drinks except the occasional chai tea when I want to treat myself. This drink was ridiculously huge, incredibly rich, way too expensive and terribly unhealthy. I thought it might make me feel better to buy and enjoy something I normally would never consider.
It didn’t. Frivolous purchases don’t help a broken heart.
Today is the first weekend all summer that I haven’t had plans. It’s my first weekend without Brad. Robin is up north with her boyfriend. I made a list of things I need to get done, thinking if I kept myself busy I wouldn’t notice how lonely and sad I am. But I woke up this morning and I don’t want to do any of those things. It’s a gloomy morning- cloudy, cold, still. It matches my mood. I keep looking at that list, but I can’t get myself to do anything on it. Buy groceries? I can’t face a crowded store. Finish my research paper? Too daunting. Go to the car wash? It’s so far away.
A handful of people have told me to call if I need to. Just to talk or to hang out. I didn’t make any plans though because somehow I thought maybe sitting here alone might feel better. A few weeks ago this might have been like any other Saturday. I’d be getting lots of homework done while Brad slept in. Eventually he’d get up, and we’d probably have plans for the afternoon. If there was nothing planned, we’d eventually get bored and find something to do. Maybe for a few more hours I can just pretend like he’s still sleeping in the other room. Pretend like things are back to normal and nothing fell apart. Except I know it’s not true.
This morning I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls while I ate my cereal. It happened to be the episode where Luke and Lorelei get back together after Emily breaks them up. They had both been miserable, and at the end of the episode Luke knocks on her door, and when she answers he rushes at her. Hugs her, kisses her. I know Brad won’t be knocking on my door, and so now I hate that episode.
Brad hasn’t written anything directly about our break up, but yesterday Facebook told me that he ended his relationship with me. I thanked Facebook for the reminder.
I hoped today might be the first day in a week that I don’t cry, but I didn’t even make it to 9:30. I don’t want to be like this - pathetic and forlorn. At around my age my mom found out her husband was having an affair, she was left alone with five kids, in a big farmhouse she couldn’t afford to heat. Her husband. Cheated on her. Left her. With five kids. My boyfriend didn’t cheat and I don’t have anyone else to take care of. Why am I not as strong as my mom? Why am I not strong and independent? I thought maybe I would be. So why do I feel so broken and empty?
July 26th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Right now is not a good time to compare yourself to your perception of other people. Why not take a day and see how much crying you can do? You might feel better letting yourself get it all out.
July 26th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
ditto anna. don’t compare. it’s always easier to think other people do things better. i’m sure your mom got strength because she had five kids, and what else was she going to do? you have the luxury of wallowing for a while, all-out.
also: two men that never let me down–ben and jerry.
July 26th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
If your going to watch Gilmore girls you should buy yourself Ben and Jerry’s, and eat the whole thing. You should watch the episode the day after Dean broke up with Rory. Loralai was trying to get her to wallow, and she decided to keep busy instead. She woke up early rearranged the furniture, bought all those needed things, and actually went to a Chilton party. Then Loralai walks in after doing something, and Rory was there with ice cream and said, “I’m ready to wallow now.” And let yourself wallow with her.
I agree with the above, you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to your mom. For one your mom had to pretend to be strong even though I’m sure she was dying on the inside. It just happened. I think you will be surprised how strong you really are. But just as any other strength building, you just need time. Mr. Muscle man didn’t become strong overnight. And to get the strength to pull through this, you need time too. And even when you are able to make it through a day or a week without crying, and then all of the sudden you find yourself crying. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not pathetic, it’s life.
On a side note, my grandma always tells me to be strong. She viewed crying as a sign of weakness. Her daughters raised daughters that could cry, because they can’t. And sometimes, I think it takes a lot more strength to cry, because it means your dealing with it. Putting a brave face, is like sweeping it under the rug. It’s not healthy for anyone.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I think you’re able to recognize how broken and empty you feel precisely because you don’t have children depending on you and a house to figure out how to heat. If you had those challenges and demands, your focus, at least for the most part, would probably be on doing more than on feeling (not that the feelings wouldn’t be there, of course, and you would probably still cry yourself to sleep at night). And from what I know of you from here, you would pull it together and do whatever was necessary for your family.
July 26th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I’m glad that you are able to come here and share your feelings with caring friends. Your words resonate with me in ways I cannot describe. You are always so good at recognizing and putting into words your feelings. I think that will help you heal with time.
And I agree with the others above. Regardless of how your mom appeared to deal, she had five children to take care of. She may have put her best face on for you all and cried into her pillow at night.
Sending my thoughts, prayers, hugs and an open phone line your way. Though, I know when I’ve had times like you are having, I want to talk, but I don’t want to talk. I want to be alone, but I want to be surrounded. I know I’m not going to be good company when I feel like that and I would rather just be alone. It’s doesn’t make sense when I want to be around people, but I just don’t feel like it. *shrug*
July 27th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
A couple weeks ago I was at the mall with Rob and my sister Megan. Now I never get the big coffee drinks because I don’t like coffee, but Godiva had this awesome drink with caramel and chocolate. I didn’t even buy it but I know what you mean about frivolous purchases. For me it’s always about food. Or magazines. (now I just subscribe) One purchase that does always cheers me up is nail polish. It’s not too expensive and it last forever! I’m sorry to hear about Brad. I really don’t know what to say to help. I’ve never been good in these cases. If you ever want to have something to do or hang out let me know. I don’t know if the Wii was yours or Brad’s, but regardless I have a Wii and Dr. Mario. (if that sways you at all!!!!)
July 27th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Lots of wise advice on here. During my last big breakup, I cried every day too. Whether I wallowed or acted busy my sadness would creep in somehow and I’d lose it at some point (the shower and the car were two big culprits).
It will suck for a while. It’s OK to accept that. Gradually it will get better. But in the mean time, do your best to be kind to yourself, in whatever form feels right.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
The first weekend alone… ugh, I hated that. I bottomed out at an Ikea. I had just moved out of my boyfriend’s house and it was quite a messy breakup. I moved into another place and realized that I didn’t have any bedroom furniture. I trekked to Ikea, alone, and let me tell you - it is NOT the place for the broken-hearted. Its nothing but couples and families and ugh.
The worst part was trying to load everything into my car alone. No help. Nothing. It was the most lonely I have ever felt.
And dude - if I lived near you, I would have picked you up for a night of karaoke. Karaoke makes everything better.
July 27th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
hugs honey … don’t compare because you’ll never really know. when you have kids or a kid to take care of you put on the strong because you have to, you have no choice and they never see you break down in the darkness of night, the lonely cry of a bath or the silent scream inside .. i speak from experience …
it hurts, allow yourself to hurt, whatever you feel is perfectly okay … be gentle with you … xo
July 28th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I know it really sucks. Keep pushing through, one day at a time. Your friends are there for you and love you.
I often compare myself to other people and wonder why I’m behind, or even ahead of them. But, really, we are all different and we all progress in our own ways. Your mom was faced with a difficult situation, she didn’t have a choice but to push through it. Your situation is different, not any more or less difficult, just different. Whatever you need to do to get through it, to mourn the loss and begin healing again…that’s what works for you and what you need to do. It doesn’t make you non-independent or anything negative at all. It makes you, you. Just by reading your posts, I know you’re an intelligent, independent and wonderful person.
If you’re in need of a heart-felt, uplifting, but not in a sickening way movie…I like watching Under the Tuscan Sun or 16 Candles when I’m sad and/or lonely…and I still have days when I feel that way. Both movies give me warm fuzzies. Some days, you have to fake it until you can make it, but don’t be afraid to just be sad…if that’s what you need. Hugs!
July 28th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
**hugs** Keeping busy is the best advice. It won’t men a broken heart, but it will keep your mind occupied.