The power of knowing when to move on
I really did try to give this book a chance, but it’s just not for me. I can’t relate to any of the anecdotes, nothing resonates with me and I can’t take the advice seriously. I really wanted to finish it though. It felt wrong to pick up a book about being more positive just to criticize and discard it. I thought if I just kept reading, surely I could take something away from it.
And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bullshit. It did get me thinking about thinking more positively, but the way it’s written has really turned me off. Even Brad has told me to give up and look for something else because I think I scowl when I’m reading it. Yet I was still determined to plow through, determined that I was going to learn from this book damn it. Somewhere in here there’s a gem that’s going to change my life!
But I was in the middle of chapter five (of seventeen) last night when I had to give up. Here’s the passage that made me quit:
“Ma’am, if you don’t mind my saying so, that is a mighty pretty hat* you are wearing.”
She looked up at him and said, “Thank you.”
“And I might add,” he said, “that sure is a pretty dress you have on. I like it so much.”
Being a woman, this appealed to her, and despite the fact that she was not feeling well, she brightened up and asked, “Why in the world did you say those nice things to me? It is very thoughtful of you.”
“Well,” he said, “I saw how unhappy you were. I saw that you were crying, and I just asked the Lord how I could help you. The Lord said, ‘Speak to her about her hat.’ The mention of the dress,” he added, “was my own idea.” Ralston Young and the Lord together knew how to get a woman’s mind off her troubles. [emphasis mine]
Oh really? Just compliment a woman on her clothes and all her troubles leave her mind? This woman later admits she is in constant pain, which is why she looked down and in need of help when Ralston met her. Years and years of constant pain, but Ralston and the Lord knew that all you gotta do is tell a woman she looks pretty and TA-DA! her mind is clear of troubles. Why don’t we just go around complimenting women on their outfits all day and nobody (at least the women) will feel sad again. Just one compliment after another. Nice hat! Nice dress! Nice shoes! Nice purse! Nice belt! Nice earrings! Nice jacket! Oh look I’m so distracted with fashion compliments, which appeal to me so much because I’m a woman, obviously, that I completely forgot I have no job, two broken arms, a chronic disease and my family has abandoned me.
If the above passage was an isolated ocurrence I wouldn’t be so bothered, but the majority of the author’s examples are about men, and the few women are people I have nothing in common with. I’m not in dire straits, I’m not at the end of my rope, none of those clichés. I just want to learn to have a better outlook. Like I said, this book wasn’t written for me. I can see how a lot of people would get good things from it, but I’m ready to give up and find something better for me.
Any recommendations?
*When I was reading over this before publishing, I realized I had written ‘hate’ instead of ‘hat.’ Coincidence? I think not.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Ugh, the book sounds horrible. Toss it and try again for sure. Wish I had a good recommendation for you. I’ll think on it.
Kudos for at least trying!!
June 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
That book doesn’t sound very realistic. I can totally understand why you couldn’t make it through. I can’t say that I really have any good Positive Thinking books to recommend. I feel like John Irving’s books (particularly The World According to Garp and A Prayer for Owen Meanie) take some less than ideal characters and/or life events and make heroes out of them - sort of positive thinking in a novel. I think, mostly that positive thinking is about seeking the good in things. Sometimes this is very difficult, and other times it’s easier. But, it’s more a conscious effort than anything else. Of course, the world needs criticsm and questioning as well, that’s what makes the world grow and develop into a better place. Seems to me, there should be a balance between positive thinking and the questioning/criticsm.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I just think not all of us are meant to be positive. If we didn’t have critics, we’d probably still be living in the trees!
June 12th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Happened upon the blog and thought this was a good post. As you mentioned, “Self-help,” books can be hard to digest if you do not connect to the author’s perspective. One book that worked for me is the following:
whttp://www.amazon.com/Being-Black-Living-Fearlessness-Grace/dp/0140196307
The book has more to do with finding peace within, than being black, fearless and/or zen. There was a passage in it that said something to the effect that at times we are so critical with others, but even harsher on ourselves. I know I need to ease up on myself and I think in turn, I’ll be more accepting of others.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
It would be nice if they could leave the gender-bias out of their positive thinking. It would also be nice if they could realize that the woman’s self-esteem shouldn’t have to depend on someone else’s comments about her appearance. But then they would be putting someone else out of a writing job.
I highly recommend _Mind over Mood_ if you’re looking for positive thinking stuff…
June 13th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I had someone suggest to me Nagaholics No More workbook by Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott. (http://www.drcherie.com/Products/1713/The_Positive_Living_Set.html it’s the book on the right)
She said that there were activities and pracitical applications in the book.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Holy crap… how did that passage not set off your gag reflex?
I wish I knew a book to read. I want to check out, “Helping Me Help Myself” about a woman who uses self-help books for a year to change her life. It seemed kind of funny.
June 13th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
[...] been keeping track, I started reading that book on Sunday. Then yesterday I officially gave up on it because it was frustrating and basically unhelpful to me. And then today it shows up on my [...]