You can have it all! But what if I don’t want it…
I don’t want a career or a baby. Is that so wrong?
Okay that’s not entirely true. I will probably want a baby someday, and I’ll probably always have a career. But I’m not really passionate about either, and that truth doesn’t seem to fit anywhere in our society’s ideas of women. You choose a career or you choose motherhood; you give up having a family so you can become a CEO or you give up the pursuit of the top so you can you have a family. There doesn’t seem to be anything in between.
And yet, I’m somewhere in between. So I wonder… what does that make me?
If you’ve already seen it, you may have guessed that I watched “Baby Mama” over the weekend. A movie in which a thirty-something woman decides that after years of climbing the corporate ladder, she’s ready to be a mommy. This isn’t just a woman was going along in life and forgot to have a child—she intentionally did not pursue motherhood because she wanted to be a rockstar at her job. And she is! At the time of her maternal realization, she is also promoted to vice president of something or other (details allude me). But this is clearly a woman who made a choice between kids and career.
Which is the dichotomy that is almost always set up for women in the media. Movies, television, the news, even blogs. You always see something about “More women giving up careers to stay home with kids” or “Family and work: can you have it all?”
Why does it have to be one or the other? What if I don’t want either? Or what if I just don’t want either that badly?
I have a career, and I’m even working on a master’s degree so I can continue that career. But I can’t say that I have ambitions to be a big fancy anything. I don’t work because I love working, I work because I have to. And since I have to, I make sure I do a damn good job—I’m good at what I do, and I’ve excelled at every job I’ve had. Since I have to keep working for, well, ever really, I’ll continue to make sure I’m good at what I do. But don’t expect me to make sacrifices in my life for my job. Ever. No I will not give up my allotted vacation days so I can demonstrate my dedication!
Likewise, I suppose I’ll have a baby someday too. Am I dying to be a mother? Does my uterus cry out every time I see a newborn? No and no. As a matter of fact, I keep assuming the maternal urge will hit me eventually, but so far, nothing. Motherhood is in my plans, but I have no idea when and I’m certainly in no hurry. So having babies is not my ultimate goal, to say the least.
So, to refresh: I’m not a superdriven career woman and I’m not a mother-in-the-making. What am I?
It’s not so much that I’m on a crusade to change these perceptions, but just that it’s starting to wear on me. I know that I should be okay with not fitting into either mold, but the constant reminder that I should be is starting to convince me that maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe I should get off my ass and climb the ladder. Or get off my ass and make some babies. I’m not doing anything, I’m just sitting here reading lots of good books and traveling whenever I can afford it and spending time with my family (of the sibling and parent nature…not the husband and kids kind). WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
You see my point I’m sure. What is so wrong about wanting my life to be about interesting things: people, places, books, etc? Nothing. There’s nothing wrong and I know it. Yet I feel all this pressure, like, okay woman you’re 27 and you’re nowhere near becoming a mommy. That must mean you want to be a big shot career woman, but uh, nope. You don’t seem too interested in getting to the top very fast. So what exactly is it that you’re doing that’s worthwhile?
Um… I just started a book club. I went to New York last month. Does that count?
Sometimes I wonder if this whole grad school thing is just a result of that pressure. Like in order to keep going and getting better jobs, it makes sense to get some more education. And since I’m not doing anything very domestic, maybe I should try to be better at working for a living. So here I am, back in school. I’m not even sure what I want to do with this degree!
The worst thing is that as I get older, this is only going to get worse. I’ll be expected, more and more, to either procreate or tack a fancy title after my name. Or both. And all I’ll have done is read a few hundred books and taken a couple dozen trips. Is that so wrong?
May 7th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I would say that a woman does not need a prestigious/fancy career or a family to give her life meaning. Happiness and being a good person should be more than enough for this world. In my eyes, being a good friend and spending time with loved ones are much better qualities to have than managing 50 people. How does that saying go??? A person’s character is not measured by how much they love, but how much they are loved by others. From the blogs I’ve read, I can tell that you are a very loved person. Just keep being you!
May 7th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Oh girl, I am standing in line right next to you. 29, not married, no children and definitely not wanting that top spot on the totem pole at work either. I don’t want to work that hard and give up my life for work. I’m not really feeling the wedding/marriage vibe yet. And I can’t believe the number of people that ask me when I’m going to have kids. Personally, I’d really rather get married first and, again, not sure I even want to do that. And I’m tired of people telling me I should.
And, I’m tired of my married friends who are mothers telling me how good I have it and how lucky I should feel that I get to sleep in on the weekend or I can go to the store by myself. I’ve made my choice and they have made theirs. I could have probably popped out a kid or two by now, but I’ve made the decision not to. It was a choice just like they made their choices to get married and have babies. Why should I feel guilty because they feel pressured or tied down by their own choices?
If/when I decide to get married and have a baby, I want to be able to enjoy it and not feel tied down by it. I want to enjoy every moment of it. If I’m not in a position to do that, I probably won’t do it.
For a while I felt the pressure because some of my closest friends were serious, then married and then babies came. Sure I’d like to have my kids grow up with their kids, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I just can’t jump at that and make it happen for that reason.
I still feel pressured and I don’t know how not to. Living around here, there aren’t a lot of career minded people so there isn’t the real pressure for that. Most people think I do really well for our area. There is, though, that big marriage/family push and I hate it.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Wow, do I relate. Or I did. I felt exactly like you, kind of passion-less. Then I went to career counseling and realized what may actually be an interesting career, with a forseeable path to success and I am now motivated, even though I have never wanted a career before. She also reminded me that there are things called hobbies, as in a life outside of work or family, that can help define you.
As far as school, I know I left a couple vague comments but I just want to say that my grad program felt wrong from day 1 and it never got any better. But I stuck with it and half-assed the whole thing. Now I have to write a thesis that requires motivation that I simply don’t have. Persuing this MA was THE BIGGEST mistake of my life. Yes , it will look good on my resume if I ever write the damn thing, but it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth feeling aimless, hopeless, and completely depressed every night after class. Please consider how much you enjoy it. Don’t do it for a diploma.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
“And yet, I’m somewhere in between. So I wonder… what does that make me?”
Normal.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I actually disagree with you. I think most woman fall into the in between phase. Even the ones who just so happen to be mothers. More women fall into motherhood accidentally than whom plan it. I read the statistics once, but I can’t remember them. With people in my own life, I could go on and on with the people who fall into the in between, and I could only pick a few who fall into the passionate about one or the other or like my boss both.
I don’t think life is about career or children. I think it is about love. And where you find that love. Me being one of those who neither have children nor a career, I find my love in my family and friends. They are my number one priority in life. I would never take a career that would interfere in that. But I do have a strong desire to have children. And oddly enough, I fear for the woman who are just mothers. What I mean, is the mothers who abandon their friends for their motherhood. In eighteen years, they are going to have such a hard time. I want children, not because I want to be with children, but because when I’m sixty, I want to have family get togethers. My dream is not to be a mother, but to build a family that I will spend the rest of my life with.
I will want to have play dates, not for my children’s sake, but my own. I will have a date night, where my children will not be around AT ALL. I think it is unhealthy to be too passionate about either. Because motherhood, or at least the needed twenty four seven, and career life is temporary. They will end. We need to be passionate about things that do not end. Like our friendships and families, and laughing, and for me God.
Many people, I think, misunderstand my infertility issue, as me being obsessed with children. When in fact, it’s more of a fear, that when I’m ninety and Kevin has passed away, there will be no one left to visit me.
If you knew me well when I started dating Kevin, you would know, I was not one of those people who was glued to my man. At first, my friends were always put first. Then there got a point when they shared that power. Now, i do admit, I put Kevin first, but I’m fortunate to have a man, who wants me to have my girl time. As he puts it, your not you, without your girl friends. If I’m getting down, he makes me call someone. He knows, that there is something that he can’t fulfill in me, and he’s okay passing the reigns. And because of that, of all of my friends, i do have the strongest marriage,, and I don’t say that in a cocky way.
And my point in saying that is, I strongly believe that we need to be careful, putting our stock into any one thing. Too many mothers put too much stock in their children. And too many high career woman in their careers. The rest of their life suffers. Honestly, I think you are on the right track. You have a strong enough friend base, that even if you don’t have children, you will always be surrounded by loved ones. You have passions, though they don’t make you money, but who cares about that. Money does not buy happiness. As long as you are happy, that’s all that matters.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I’m definitely with you on the in-between-ness. It’s painful sometimes. I won’t have kids most likely. I guess down the line I’m afraid I’ll be old and alone. Kids can’t guarantee that you won’t be alone but it’s a slightly better bet than no kids at all.
Being on the margins, i.e. not being a career woman and not being a mom, and so not fitting into those stereotypes, is a great productive place to be but that’s because it’s so painful I guess. But I agree with Angela… most women are inbetween. And more now. We’re all having kids later or not at all. [Here= in Canada anyway.]
May 8th, 2008 at 8:11 am
I think I may have misrepresented my thoughts a little here. I don’t mean to imply that it’s actually true that all women either want babies or a career, but rather that we’re all constantly hit with that message. That’s the way women are portrayed, and so I can’t blame myself or anyone else for occassionally questioning themselves for not really wanting either.
I know I’m normal (Petrov), and I know that most women are in between like me. And I don’t think you disagree with me (Angie) because I think we’re on the same page here.
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts!
May 8th, 2008 at 9:33 am
dude, you rock. i think a lot of women feel like this. and i also agree the messages we are bombarded with make us feel that we have to consider only these two routes. like, i’m excited to get married but my career is taking a different turn and i’m not sure where i’ll end up, and i think i want kids, but i have so many other things i want to do before then and i don’t know how much time i have for everything! your thoughtfulness is precisely what the world needs.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I think it’s perfectly fine to feel in limbo between the two pressured paths women are often faced with.
And I agree with Willikat - you rock.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I definitely want kids and I definitely Do NOT want a career. I see these women (and men) toting there laptops home every evening. Fugg that! I’m going home to watch Top Model and drink margaritas, they’re going home to do more work!
You are 27. You should be focused on enjoying life and having fabulous experiences. Enjoy!
May 8th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I believe that feminism means supporting a women’s right to want and acheive her dreams. And, there should be no stipulation on what that dream is or the way in which you attain it. Work, motherhood, lesiure, school, travel. Go after what you want, create the shape you want to live in, and don’t worry about what society says.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
honestly, i always felt more like the freak because i wanted a career and i wanted a family and i wanted my art and i wanted it all and people always looked at me like i was from mars. i think that where you are is a great place to be because you are living and enjoying your life and doing what you want to be doing and frankly that is what it is all about i think. we all want different things or don’t want different things and so long we are honoring ourselves and relaxing into who we are, i think its just fine. incidentally, i am ready to chuck the career because its no longer what i want and i am entering a phase in my life where soon i will have all the time in the world and i just want to hang out and take me some pretty pictures and travel about. i am totally okay that.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
This is such a complex issue, and in the forefront of my life right now because one of my co-workers just came back to work after maternity leave. Even in our progressive, woman-centered work environment, she’s been asked when she expects to be back to work “100%.” She now works 40 hours a week and leaves every day at 5 to pick up her child - but this is still not considered 100%. Many of the people at my office are crazy workaholics and I refuse to succomb. I leave when I finish my work and enjoy my evenings and weekends with friends/down time. Strange how wanting career, friends and family *in moderation* seems as much of a struggle is wanting to be a super striver in one of the areas.