Comments on: You can have it all! But what if I don’t want it…

By: Dori

Dori — Sun, 11 May 2008 03:21:02 +0000

This is such a complex issue, and in the forefront of my life right now because one of my co-workers just came back to work after maternity leave. Even in our progressive, woman-centered work environment, she’s been asked when she expects to be back to work “100%.” She now works 40 hours a week and leaves every day at 5 to pick up her child - but this is still not considered 100%. Many of the people at my office are crazy workaholics and I refuse to succomb. I leave when I finish my work and enjoy my evenings and weekends with friends/down time. Strange how wanting career, friends and family *in moderation* seems as much of a struggle is wanting to be a super striver in one of the areas.

By: darlene

darlene — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:19:26 +0000

honestly, i always felt more like the freak because i wanted a career and i wanted a family and i wanted my art and i wanted it all and people always looked at me like i was from mars. i think that where you are is a great place to be because you are living and enjoying your life and doing what you want to be doing and frankly that is what it is all about i think. we all want different things or don’t want different things and so long we are honoring ourselves and relaxing into who we are, i think its just fine. incidentally, i am ready to chuck the career because its no longer what i want and i am entering a phase in my life where soon i will have all the time in the world and i just want to hang out and take me some pretty pictures and travel about. i am totally okay that.

By: conversemomma

conversemomma — Fri, 09 May 2008 02:30:27 +0000

I believe that feminism means supporting a women’s right to want and acheive her dreams. And, there should be no stipulation on what that dream is or the way in which you attain it. Work, motherhood, lesiure, school, travel. Go after what you want, create the shape you want to live in, and don’t worry about what society says.

By: Babs

Babs — Thu, 08 May 2008 23:18:38 +0000

I definitely want kids and I definitely Do NOT want a career. I see these women (and men) toting there laptops home every evening. Fugg that! I’m going home to watch Top Model and drink margaritas, they’re going home to do more work!

You are 27. You should be focused on enjoying life and having fabulous experiences. Enjoy!

By: Nanette

Nanette — Thu, 08 May 2008 20:45:49 +0000

I think it’s perfectly fine to feel in limbo between the two pressured paths women are often faced with.

And I agree with Willikat - you rock.

By: willikat

willikat — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:33:40 +0000

dude, you rock. i think a lot of women feel like this. and i also agree the messages we are bombarded with make us feel that we have to consider only these two routes. like, i’m excited to get married but my career is taking a different turn and i’m not sure where i’ll end up, and i think i want kids, but i have so many other things i want to do before then and i don’t know how much time i have for everything! your thoughtfulness is precisely what the world needs.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Thu, 08 May 2008 12:11:31 +0000

I think I may have misrepresented my thoughts a little here. I don’t mean to imply that it’s actually true that all women either want babies or a career, but rather that we’re all constantly hit with that message. That’s the way women are portrayed, and so I can’t blame myself or anyone else for occassionally questioning themselves for not really wanting either.

I know I’m normal (Petrov), and I know that most women are in between like me. And I don’t think you disagree with me (Angie) because I think we’re on the same page here.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts!

By: Aurora

Aurora — Thu, 08 May 2008 03:33:41 +0000

I’m definitely with you on the in-between-ness. It’s painful sometimes. I won’t have kids most likely. I guess down the line I’m afraid I’ll be old and alone. Kids can’t guarantee that you won’t be alone but it’s a slightly better bet than no kids at all.

Being on the margins, i.e. not being a career woman and not being a mom, and so not fitting into those stereotypes, is a great productive place to be but that’s because it’s so painful I guess. But I agree with Angela… most women are inbetween. And more now. We’re all having kids later or not at all. [Here= in Canada anyway.]

By: Angela

Angela — Wed, 07 May 2008 22:31:05 +0000

I actually disagree with you. I think most woman fall into the in between phase. Even the ones who just so happen to be mothers. More women fall into motherhood accidentally than whom plan it. I read the statistics once, but I can’t remember them. With people in my own life, I could go on and on with the people who fall into the in between, and I could only pick a few who fall into the passionate about one or the other or like my boss both.

I don’t think life is about career or children. I think it is about love. And where you find that love. Me being one of those who neither have children nor a career, I find my love in my family and friends. They are my number one priority in life. I would never take a career that would interfere in that. But I do have a strong desire to have children. And oddly enough, I fear for the woman who are just mothers. What I mean, is the mothers who abandon their friends for their motherhood. In eighteen years, they are going to have such a hard time. I want children, not because I want to be with children, but because when I’m sixty, I want to have family get togethers. My dream is not to be a mother, but to build a family that I will spend the rest of my life with.

I will want to have play dates, not for my children’s sake, but my own. I will have a date night, where my children will not be around AT ALL. I think it is unhealthy to be too passionate about either. Because motherhood, or at least the needed twenty four seven, and career life is temporary. They will end. We need to be passionate about things that do not end. Like our friendships and families, and laughing, and for me God.

Many people, I think, misunderstand my infertility issue, as me being obsessed with children. When in fact, it’s more of a fear, that when I’m ninety and Kevin has passed away, there will be no one left to visit me.

If you knew me well when I started dating Kevin, you would know, I was not one of those people who was glued to my man. At first, my friends were always put first. Then there got a point when they shared that power. Now, i do admit, I put Kevin first, but I’m fortunate to have a man, who wants me to have my girl time. As he puts it, your not you, without your girl friends. If I’m getting down, he makes me call someone. He knows, that there is something that he can’t fulfill in me, and he’s okay passing the reigns. And because of that, of all of my friends, i do have the strongest marriage,, and I don’t say that in a cocky way.

And my point in saying that is, I strongly believe that we need to be careful, putting our stock into any one thing. Too many mothers put too much stock in their children. And too many high career woman in their careers. The rest of their life suffers. Honestly, I think you are on the right track. You have a strong enough friend base, that even if you don’t have children, you will always be surrounded by loved ones. You have passions, though they don’t make you money, but who cares about that. Money does not buy happiness. As long as you are happy, that’s all that matters.

By: Petrov

Petrov — Wed, 07 May 2008 22:03:46 +0000

“And yet, I’m somewhere in between. So I wonder… what does that make me?”

Normal.