No
The other day I was out with someone, I’ll call her Mary, and she noticed an old friend of hers that she hadn’t spoken to in years. I’ll call her Sally. Why haven’t you spoken, I wondered. And she told me a story about the falling out they had. She and Sally had been out at a bar and Sally met a guy who she went home with. Later that night she called Mary, very distraught. This is how Mary told the story:
She said that he raped her, but he totally didn’t. They started having sex and she didn’t like it because he got kinda rough. But I mean, once you start, you’re kind of committed ya know?
Actually no, that’s not true. You can say no anytime you want, no matter how far you’ve gotten.
Yeah but she didn’t really say no. She just told him she didn’t like it. And you know, she didn’t get the sympathy from me she was expecting, so she stopped talking to me.
I kind of dropped it after that because I had made my point—you can say no at any time and it’s totally valid—and if she’s someone who doesn’t sympathize with that kind of situation, I wasn’t really sure what else to say. I totally can’t relate to that thinking. And she lost a friendship over this! I guess I just know who not to turn to if anything like that happens to me.
It scares me though, the whole rape culture, the whole mentality that victims can ever be blamed. If you’re committed as soon as you’re in the act, are you committed as soon as your pants are off? As soon as you start making out? As soon as you agree to go back to his place? As soon as you flirt with him at the bar? As soon as you tell him your name?
I know that sounds ridiculous, but there are so many ridiculous assumptions and beliefs out there regarding rape and sexual assault that really, it’s not that far-fetched. I read almost every day about a woman who was blamed for her rape. Or how many people believe that if a woman wears sexy clothing she can’t expect not to be raped. Or how the word “rape” is banned in the courtroom during an alleged rape case. Or that women shouldn’t be in dark parking lots alone at night because then it’s their fault if they’re attacked. Or how a woman’s sexual history affects her status as victim. Or how abortion in rape cases should only be permitted if the act is brutal and savage and committed on a young virgin who was saving herself for marriage. Everyone else? You didn’t get a choice in what happened to your body during the rape, and you don’t get a choice about what happens to your body now that you’re pregnant.
It depresses me. It really does. Sometimes I have to block it out, pretend it’s not real because otherwise it can consume me. I’d like to volunteer or work at a rape crisis center or a woman’s shelter, but I’m afraid that it will take over my life and my mental health. I haven’t been raped or attacked, but for some reason this issue is so close to me. I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it and fight it without being consumed by it.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:56 am
What scares me most about this is the women who are so willing to be misogynistic against other women. Have they never been in a situation that made them uncomfortable? Have they never been touched? Violated? Harmed? How could they have such a fundamental lack of understanding for their fellow women?
I’ve never been raped or anything but this is close to me too.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
UGH! It’s so frustrating! Really, how can someone possibly blame a victim for what happened?!?! As a woman, it truly scares me to know that I have to always watch out (and I’m not saying that in a paranoid way, either). But, I know that a man can almost always over-power me, if he really wants to. To also know that if anything ever were to happen, that things could be twisted around into somehow being my fault…that just makes it so much worse.
Even if someone makes a poor decision, that does not mean they deserved to be violated, nor does it mean they must continue with what they started, or participate in anything they aren’t comfortable with. I whole heartedly agree with you. It saddens me that a woman, like Mary, believes her friend had to continue with what she started.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
i have been raped, twice actually at two very different stages of my life, in two very different ways.
sigh.
no means no and i really will never understand why some people have such a hard time with this.
perhaps mary was raped at some point and refuses to see it, choosing instead to hold it inside like badge that she had to endure and hide in order to go forward and perhaps she has never talked about it and so diminishes her friend sally’s experience because she thinks she is okay. i don’t know but rape tends to affect us all in different strange and horrifying ways. i think whether a person has been raped or not, we all live with this fear of knowing that it could happen to us, rape is about loss of control on so many levels and that is something that we are all passionate about i think.
sorry am rambling. i could write a novel on how i feel and don’t feel with regards to rape and at the same time, i don’t have words that are adequate.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
..What Angie said!
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
As a man, I kind of feel compelled to say…
…I agree. There is never a point where a woman or man should not have the right to say no. Sex isn’t a right or a contract. It’s a physical act that represents so many different things on so many different levels. Many times those levels won’t match up and things go bad.
I can’t imagine or pretend to know how it feels to be a victim, but I also can’t imagine what it would feel like to be a perpitrator of such an act either, because it just doesn’t make sense to me.
This is a touchy subject, which is why it should be discussed, but I just felt like I should put it out there that I agree victims should never be at fault for just saying no.
May 24th, 2008 at 1:53 am
I have two good female friends that have been raped. That I know about. IT shocks me, and I want to find these guys and kill them. I would have no problem beating them to death with a lead pipe. I have an older sister, and I just can’t imagine ever doing anything of the sort to any girl under any circumstances. When I hear about this kind of stuff, I get exceedingly angry and I feel like doing harm to people.
People that are perpetrators of rape need to get mental help. There is something extremely wrong in their head. It’s really too bad that neither of my friends ever bothered to talk to the police. I understand it is something that victims need to just put behind them, and that rape cases are notoriously hard to get convictions in, but it makes me wonder if these guys ever did it again to someone else because they got away with it the first time.
This may not have been the most coherent post, but I get so angry I can’t think straight. Rape is bad.
May 25th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
That was so well said! I absolutely agree with your stance on this.
May 26th, 2008 at 9:55 am
That’s scary to read. I doubt I would be so diplomatic in the circumstances. It’s good you felt you had made your point clear.
If a guy knew you weren’t enjoying it, why on earth would he keep going? That would be sadistic or extremely, horribly selfish. Either way it’s rape. Ugh, makes me shudder.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Well put. I would probably be speechless if another woman “blamed” a woman for getting raped. Why are we so hard on our own gender?