doahleigh - Holy Waste of Teabags!

I have all these thoughts about NaBloPoMo that I’m trying to write, and I figured this, the last day, would be a good time to finish writing those thoughts and share them. But today is just too crazy. Soon I have to go run errands (work and personal) all over town, then I hope to squeeze in a little homework and dinner before going to karaoke at 8 (no I’m not singing, but my sister hosts and I’ve been promising for weeks I’d come support her).

A long time ago I made all kinds of plans, plans that are consuming almost all of my days and evenings through next week. And on top of those I have less than two weeks to start and finish a big research paper, a medium research paper, and various other small assignments. So I’ve written out a list of everything I need to accomplish each day through Wednesday, including specific school-related tasks, various errands, and the many plans I made. I started this yesterday, and so far I’m on task (one day! woo!), but today has a lot of things to be checked off. So does tomorrow.

I’m really hoping to get to a point where I feel in control again, where I feel above the surface and not so much drowning.

Allow me to demonstrate, using anecdotes from my lunch at Quiznos, the difference between nice people who make the world a better place and assholes who make me want to hurt them. I encountered two very different people at lunch today. Though they were both male, both approximately in their 40s, and both appearing to be white-collar professionals, their demeanors couldn’t have been more different.

Person 1:
- walks in front of my car while I try to park
- ignores his friend who draws his attention to me
- gives me an “I don’t give a shit” look
- slowly saunters through the open parking spot I’m waiting to get into
- refuses to make eye contact with Quiznos employee, choosing instead to stare up at the menu
- responds to Quiznos employee’s friendly “Hi, how are you today?” with “I’ll take a chicken carbanara” and continued refusal of eye contact
- doesn’t pay for a drink, grabs a cup for “water” and fills with clear soda (I can’t verify this one, but I’m pretty sure)

Person 2:
- gets in line behind me, a stranger, and says “Hi, how are you?”
- responds to my “Fine, you?” with “I’m cold!” and accentuates with full-body shiver
- continues to engage me in polite small talk until it’s my turn to order
- pays for his companion (I assume coworker)’s meal
- kindly ignores objections from companion, insisting he’s “got it”

Okay so maybe Person 1 got in a fight with his wife this morning and found out he lost a big account at work and wasn’t really in the mood to be polite to strangers. And maybe Person 2 found out early this morning that his first grandson was born and he heard from his coworker that he was going to get that promotion at work and was in a particularly jovial mood. But I still think people who show genuine kindness make the world a better place, and I still want to hurt people who act like assholes, no matter what the reasons.

I copied Brad who apparently did this same thing at 3:41 am. I promise some actual content later today. 

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This week’s BlogFriday word is stupidity. Oh how fitting. Last night was all about stupidity. Due to various circumstances that arose recently, I was in immediate need of two specific items: my birth certificate and the ipod shuffle that used to second as usb drive (it held an important document not saved elsewhere (good idea right?)). I realized my need for both of these things while at work, but worried not because I knew right where they would be at home.

Within five minutes of arriving home, however, I realized I actually had no fucking clue where either item was, and thus began a mad search that involved much yelling (WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE! HELP ME LOOK!), multiple phone calls (I specifically remember letting you borrow it. I didn’t? Never? Shit.), and many desperate ideas (I highly doubt either of these things is lost in the toe of a shoe I never wear, but you never know).

I was annoyed at the situation, but mostly I was angry with my own faulty brain. I felt so stupid for having absolutely no clue, not even an inkling, of where these things might be. Brad tried to tell me that people lose stuff all the time, it’s just poor luck that I’d need these two things so badly on the same evening. But I see it as a sign that my brain is no longer very sharp. I used to be intelligent and I had a great memory. Now I just feel stupid and forgetful.

Eventually I did find the ipod. It was in a shoe box full of miscellaneous odds and ends. A couple months ago I bought a new purse at TJMaxx, as well as a pair of shoes, and I sat in the parking lot moving all my things from the old purse to the new. Everything that didn’t fit into the new purse or was deemed necessary for relocation was put into the shoe box. At home the shoes came out, but I never did get around to sorting through the other trinkets. Turns out the ipod was one of those forgotten trinkets.

The birth certificate? I still have no idea. I’ve tried every possibility I can think of, even asked the HR department today if they maybe forgot to return it to me when I started my job. No, it’s just lost. Gone forever.

You’ll probably try to tell me that I’m not stupid, these things happen, but I am very disappointed in my brain. And ashamed. And I’m really feeling very stupid (and annoyed) about the whole thing.

My headache isn’t very bad today, but I have mad homework to catch up on. I never did tell you much about my thanksgiving weekend, but instead of getting all wordy about it now, I’m presenting My Thanksgiving Weekend in Pictures.

Wednesday: I baked a cherry pie that sort of exploded in the oven. Apparently my venting was not sufficient. But it has a cute turkey on the top crust, so all is forgiven.

Thursday: I had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner with my family. We ate good, sat around a lot, and went home satisfied. (Stevie’s a dog by the way. She didn’t really get a place at the table.)

Thursday night: My sisters and I went shopping. We had no interest in the madness of the next day, so we went to the 24-hour Meijer and picked up a few things before the rush. Deals schmeals. I prefer my sanity.

Friday: I worked all day, but in the evening we put up our tree! We bought some LED lights cuz with our artificial tree we’re all green and stuff now. Isn’t it weird how pure white light looks blue? At least that’s what B says. Or maybe the box was mislabeled. Sorry this picture’s so dark, but trust that the tree’s pretty.

Saturday: We had a 50th anniversary party for my grandparents. It was a Dutch theme because we’re some seriously Dutch people over here. I’m not sure how well you can see it all in this photograph, but this table alone has wooden shoes, tulips, a windmill (on the cake), the kissing cousins (napkins) and the Delft blue color (also napkins). We also had Dutch candy, cookies and pastries. And yes, we got it all for very cheap.

Sunday: I sat around with a headache all day. No pictures of that, sorry.

Can’t write. Head splitting open.

That headache I mentioned on Saturday hasn’t gone away despite all the meds I’ve tried, the water I’ve drank, the sleep I’ve gotten. On Saturday it was centered behind my right eye and by Sunday I was fearing a brain tumor. But today my whole head is pounding with no central point. So I can’t blame it on my vision nor the tension in my neck and shoulders. I don’t even think I can suspect a tumor. It’s just a really stubborn headache, and it’s making it very difficult for me to do all those productive things I had planned for the last few days.

It’s also making it difficult to focus on the monitor and write this post. Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with a clear head.

I slept until just past noon today, which I never do. I usually can’t sleep past ten even if I want to. Had I not been woken up today though, I probably could have slept even longer. How was I woken up you ask? Brad punched me in the stomach. Well sort of. It was more like a quick tap or a rapid grasp. A tickle even. But very startling nonetheless. I woke up and said something like, What the hell dude! Apparently he was dreaming that he was catching a football. He’s not usually spastic like that in his sleep, so it was strange.

There have been a couple times that I was having dreams in which I was dying or being hurt—once I was drowning in a fast swirling whirlpool pond, another time I was being continually attacked with a taser—and Brad, in real life, said I was breathing really strange and he woke me up. Thank god! Don’t they say that you can never die in your dreams because then you’d die in real life? Or something? I don’t know, but both times I was so glad Brad woke me up because that shit’s scary! And even though it forced me awake prematurely, I hope he caught that football last night. Wait, this morning. Wait, technically it was this afternoon.

Man no wonder I’m not very tired tonight. This is gonna screw me up all week. I must have needed it though because, like I said, I can never sleep that late. Kinda wish I could do it every day.

Today we had a 50th anniversary party for my grandparents. I was doing party stuff, from set up to clean up, for about six hours today, and that’s really all I feel like doing. I took a nap when we got home, then thought about trying to get motivated to do some homework, but instead I read and watched tv and watched Brad play Wii and now I’m computing a little. Next I think I’ll eat some left over anniversary cake and hell, maybe I’ll be a little productive and balance my checkbook.

I’ve had a headache all day, and not the 600 mgs of Aleve nor the 800 mgs of Ibuprofen I took did any good (Excedrin is my next stop). But the glow from the monitor is not helping, so I’m going to go find that cake now.

I’ve been really unenthusiastic about school lately. It’s not just because of the break this week; it started a few weeks ago. What I’ve realized, I think, is that I don’t like school so much when I have to work full time. I loved high school, and I loved college. Not just for the social aspects of each, but also because I loved to learn. When I first started contemplating a return to school, I was enthusiastic because I remembered loving it so much in the past. I was excited to learn again, to be in a classroom, to think about things in new ways.

It’s been less than a semester and I’m already over it. And I really believe it’s because this time I’m a full-time employee and part-time student. Not that I wasn’t busy during my undergrad studies—actually I was probably more busy than I am right now. I worked multiple jobs sometimes, took at least 15 or 16 credits, got involved with whatever was interesting. But I was a student, that was the main thing I was doing. That was the most important thing. Now school is secondary. Primarily I’m an employee in the professional full-time world, and I squeeze school in where I can.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I’m not really enjoying it. Sometimes I enjoy my classes because my fellow students can be funny, and occassionally I’ll read something for class that I find genuinely intersting. But for the most part, I’m really not feeling it. Which is bad because right now is when I need to really crack down and start taking my final research projects seriously. That’s hard though when those activities are very near the bottom of my Things I Want to Do List. Right above eating cow testicles, and right below shopping the day after Thanksgiving.

Honestly, I’ve kind of been questioning if I should even stick to this program. Eek! I haven’t said that out loud yet. I just found out that something I’ve been recently looking into, something that I think I might be interested in doing as a job, requires an entirely different degree! So what if I get half way through this program and realize I do in fact want to do that other thing, and I have to start all over? What if I quit working on this degree only to realize in a year that in fact I do want to pursue a career in this field, and now I’ve just wasted a year of doing nothing? I put off graduate school for over three years already because I wanted to be sure about what it is I wanted to pursue. Now here I am, in graduate school, and I find I’m still not sure.

Am I wasting my time? Does anybody ever really know what they want to do? Should I put school on hold until I figure this shit out? Should I keep going until I decide for sure this isn’t what I want to do? Either way, how do I get enthusiastic about this or any other program? I’m not just stressed and overwhelmed… I’m apathetic. That’s not gonna carry me through two more years.

All you people who are shopping tomorrow? Two words: You’re nuts. I’ll be working, which kinda sucks too, but I think I’ll take it over shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Seriously, I don’t think you could pay me to shop tomorrow. Unless you paid me a thousand dollars. I’d take that. Anyone? Anyone?

Happy Thanksgiving! And Merry Christmas since apparently that’s been going on since before Halloween.

(This time last year I was getting ready to puke my guts out and go to the emergency room. Not missin’ that!)

So I started this other blog recently. You remember, the one I told you about while ago. Bad Parking? Yeah that one. Well I sort of started it as a fun thing because I think bad parking is funny. Yes it can be aggrevating when you’re in a full lot and one car is rudely taking up two parking spaces. But really, for the most part, it entertains me. And I thought it would be fun to have others laugh with me. And even more fun if they would submit their own funny examples of bad parking and we could all laugh together. Ha ha. Ho ho.

Well holy shit, I didn’t realize people would be so ANGRY about this topic. Not only do I have people sending me photos accompanied with very colorful descriptions (usually about the drivers of the poorly parked vehicles), I’ve also gotten some emails and comments from people who don’t like the fact that we’re even laughing at this.

Maybe I was just naïve to think that everyone would want to lightheartedly laugh at this with me, but wow, some people are pissed! So I’m wondering if I should be more sensitive. Maybe I should just post photos and refrain from commenting or including the submitter’s comments. Let people think what they want, be it good or bad. But no, even then, someone would still get pissed and send mean emails. Is it really that un-funny? Can we really not just laugh at silly things in life?

I guess what I’m saying is, why can’t it just be fun?

Excerpts from last night… 

Shannon: So do you think you’ll come with me?
Brad: Maybe.
S: Okay.
B: But maybe not.
S: Um, I know. Maybe means maybe you will, maybe you won’t.
B: No. Maybe definitely has a positive connotation.
S: I don’t think so, I think it gives equal possibility to both options.
B: No, when I was a kid and I’d ask my mom for a toy, if she said maybe, I got really excited. Because that meant she was thinking about getting it for me.
S: Right, but if she didn’t get it for you, you couldn’t be disappointed because she said maybe, not probably.
B: Actually I’d be really disappointed if she said maybe and then didn’t buy it.
S: That’s your own fault then. Maybe means maybe yes and maybe no. It’s your problem if you think maybe means yes, and I don’t think anyone should ever feel bad for disappointing you.
B: Well I guess it’s a good thing everyone else isn’t as mean as you.

———————

Shannon: Okay I need to find an advent calendar. I know they have them here.
Emily: A what?
S: An advent calendar.
E: Are you sure you’re saying that right?
S: Advent calendar. Yeah. Why, what do you think it is?
E: Um, event calendar?
[Later]
E to punk kid store employee: Excuse me, do you know what an advent calendar is?
PKSE: Yeah, we have some nice wooden ones in the last aisle.
E (whispering to S): How the hell does he know what an advent calendar is and I don’t?

Things are a little spooky around here lately. Weird things have been happening. Last night after dinner with Robin, I got home and planned to take a shower, but when I went into the bathroom I saw that the toilet hadn’t been flushed. As in somebody had peed and not flushed. This struck me as odd because I had been the only one home since Saturday afternoon, and um, I’m a big girl who knows how to flush the toilet. It was a little eery, but I simply flushed and stripped down to get in the shower.

But then I noticed two little spots of blood on my towel. Okay, what the fuck? I hadn’t showered for a couple days (yeah gross whatever, it was the weekend), so the towel had been hanging there all weekend. Why hadn’t I noticed those spots before? And the last time I shaved was a couple weeks ago (yeah gross whatever, it’s winter), and I don’t remember cutting myself. Besides!! That’s the towel I use on my hair and my hair doesn’t bleed!

I recently caught a segment of an episode of Oprah in which she talked about those moments when we kind of go “hmmm…” and how we’re supposed to listen to those hmmms because they’re trying to tell us something. I definitely had a hmmm moment last night in the bathroom. I’m a pretty paranoid person to begin with, but if Oprah’s telling me to pay attention right now, I gotta pay attention. So instead of hopping in the shower, I decided to inspect the apartment first, figure out where the axe murderer was hiding. There I am creeping around the apartment completely naked, and suddenly I realized that I was right in the middle of a horror film. No fucking way I’m getting in the shower now!

So I called Robin and made her come over and sit in the bathroom with me while I showered. Not because I figured if I’m going down, someone’s going down with me. But because I knew if I didn’t listen to the hmmm, I’d most certainly lose my head in the shower. Not lose my head as in go crazy; lose my head as in the axe murderer would chop it off.

Things were pretty normal after that. Robin left and Brad got home a couple hours later. I basically forgot about the creepiness until this morning. I accidentally got up ten minutes earlier than usual (I was dreaming that I was late), so when I walked out of the bedroom, the light that’s on a timer hadn’t come on yet. Pitch black. So I turned on the hall light, walked to the living room, turned a light on, then returned to the hall to flip that light off. I went about my morning routine, and when I was walking back to the bedroom to get dressed, the hall light was back on!

Now I could just be crazy, but I have a very real memory of turning that light off. Brad hadn’t stirred all morning, so it wasn’t him. What the hell? I’m really worried about our apartment now… it never used to be scary.

The to do list I made last night didn’t pan out so well today. One goal was to start Christmas shopping, which I did. But I hate shopping, and it was so stressful and I was sweating (why are the malls so HOT!) and I didn’t find half of what I was looking for. Then, because I couldn’t sleep last night and still woke up early, I was tired and took a short nap. When I got up I went to dinner with Robin, made some calls I had to make, and now it’s 8:30. Oh I did laundry too! But I didn’t do any homework, and I definitely don’t feel like doing it now. I hate when weekends fly by and you feel like you didn’t do anything.

At least I get Thursday off. That’ll be my beacon, that’ll get me through the week.

I’m enjoying a night to myself tonight. Brad’s out of town, so after spending the day helping to plan an anniversary party for my grandparents (50 years holy crap!), I came home and swung into full relaxation mode. I made myself a simple supper, then scooped a big bowl of ice cream and got trapped in a five hour Top Model marathon. I don’t know what cycle, the one with Naima, but I hadn’t seen it before. See the other day Brad suddenly announced he had upgraded our cable, a decision I didn’t entirely support because normally I don’t have time to watch more than a couple hours of tv a week. But since he says he just wants to try it for awhile, I figure hell yeah, I’ll watch the ANTM marathons on MTV while I can!

But don’t worry, I wasn’t completely unproductive during those five hours. I read during commercials and wrote a list of all the things I want to accomplish tomorrow to make up for my Saturday night sloth. I don’t know, maybe you clean the house and be all productive when you have a night to yourself, but my idea of a good evening alone is five hours of America’s Next Top Model and a bowl of cookies ‘n cream.