I have six siblings. Four that I grew up with: an older brother and three younger sisters. Two that came along when my dad married his current wife: a six-year-old sister and almost-four-year-old brother. The seven of us have never lived in the same place. And by place I don’t mean the same house, but rather the same general vicinity.

When I moved away for college, the other four alive at the time stuck around our hometown. But by the time I returned to live in that general area, two of my sisters had moved to Montana. They have both since returned, but in the meantime I had moved two hours away. I’m gonna call it GR, this place where they all now live except me, to make it easier. My brother has basically settled in GR with my niece, nephew and nearly sister-in-law. My youngest sister (of the original three) has pretty much stuck around as well. The little ones, well they’re not old enough yet to have an opinion on where they live, so they’re stuck here for awhile. And now it looks like my wandering sisters are ready to settle in GR for a time as well.

But me? I’m trapped two hours away. My heart aches to be with them though. My siblings and I have a pretty tight bond. They’re my best friends and the people with whom I am most myself. My little brother and sister, along with my niece and nephew, are the most important kids in my life. My parents, whom I personally think are amazing, are in GR too. So are many of my friends. I want to be closer to them, all of them.

I visited GR this weekend, the place where Brad and I have been accepted into the same school, and we both want to move there as soon as possible. For him, it’s a chance to get out of the town in which he’s always lived and a chance to finish his degree. For me, it’s a matter of sanity. I’m suffocating right now, I feel trapped. And freedom comes in the shape of GR. I’m ready, everything is ready. My heart has already moved, and it’s waiting for the rest of me to follow. Everything is falling into place, everything but the most important thing.

I won’t come right out and say it because this is a public blog, and there are certain things you don’t talk about on a public blog. But I hope it’s obvious enough, this last thing that needs to fall into place. I’ve been working on it for about four months, to no avail. I’ve been close, but it never works out. Pretty soon Brad will be moving to start school, and if this thing doesn’t work out by then, I’ll be left behind. We have no other choice.

If that happens, I can’t even think about how I’ll deal. My heart, my life, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, they’ll all be together in the same place. And I’ll be stuck here indefinitely. Gosh, I just want this so bad! And it’s scary to want something so bad.

Thanks for all the positive thoughts and vibes. I hope they all do their job really soon.