A few weeks ago over at My Life According to Me, Abigail wrote about some freaky junk mail she received. I get plenty of junk mail, but never anything quite like that. Until today.

I found this in my mailbox this morning. I didn’t read the whole thing, only the parts that are underlined (and sometimes double underlined!) in blue. Naturally. So I’m not really sure what it’s all about. Something about people praying for me and descending upon my home. And there was a bunch of crap inside, including a letter.

Again, only read the blue parts, but it was obvious that they were giving me a handkerchief. A handkerchief? Why? Abigail got a rug to kneel on and stuff. I only get to blow my nose on a holy hankie? Is there really a handkerchief in here? Yes, but first I had to sift through some religiously watercolored papers.

And then, finally, the blessed handkerchief, so sacred and… made of paper?

What the hell kind of hankie is this? Looks more like a place mat to me. How am I supposed to blow my nose on such stiff scratchy paper? Do they really expect me to live with a sore red nose for God’s sake? No, I’m pretty sure my God would want me to use my lotion-infused Puffs Plus on a runny nose. Thanks God.

Actually what I think I’m supposed to do is write my name and the name of someone in need in the middle of the handkerchief, then place it at a specific place in my Bible (wait, was I supposed to get a Bible with this? I didn’t get a Bible), and set it next to my bed over night. Then I send the hankie back and they will pray over it. Then, I simply wait for miracles to happen. Easy.

Yeah, no thanks. I was really hoping for the kneeling rug. I just can’t get excited about a paper handkerchief. Sorry.