When Meg and I got married, having the same name was important to us because we were becoming family, and having the same name was an important component of that. We did go the traditional route and take my name, but thats just us. The important thing is that we were putting aside who we were before and starting something new together. Whether she became a Jones or I became a Smith was far less important than the idea of us both coming together to be a family.

You have an awesome family heritage, and that instills a lot of meaning in your family name. Do you think it would have as much meaning if everyone in your family had kept their last names? I can’t imagine that it would. If we all kept our names through marriage, we would have 1 parent that shared our name, 1 grandparent, 1 great grandparent. Only half of our siblings would share our name, and so on and so on. It’s not the best argument to take on a spouse’s name, but I think it would dilute the proud history that people have regarding their name.

For Meg and I, we could have gone either way and been happy. She could have been a Jones. I could have been a Smith. The important thing for us was that we were whatever we were, together. A name’s just a name, right? But like you were eluding to, we hold our names close t our heart. They’re part of our identity. If two people get married and they’re holding on to two different things, is that bringing them closer?

Maybe it’s easy for me to say because I’ve still got my last name, but I would have gladly given it up if thats what it took for us to share the same one. Maybe we should all just be flipping coins instead.

such good well thought out commentary in this thread ~ its so great that we all have so much choice and can do what makes us comfortable. it wasn’t always the way i think.

Then I got separated a year after marriage. I was so glad that I hadn’t legally changed my name to his. BUT…I got pregnant with his baby a year after we separated (we still are btw) and after I had our baby I changed it to his and the baby automatically got his. They didn’t even ask me what it should be because I was married! I was really upset about that to be honest.

Anyway, the point is that the desire to have my family unit to share the same name was stronger than my need to feel like an individual separate from my husband. And after having our son, I became a new person than the one who held my maiden name. It didn’t matter as much.

I wish there was an easy solution for someone in your situation. Maybe after you have children it’ll get easier rather than more complicated. It IS such an important decision that more people getting married should give thought to before just doing it.

I, being fairly archaic-like, non-feminist, old-school Christian-like, one who doesn’t mind being subordinate in the Biblical sense to her husband/partner/mate-for-life/lifetime companion, will continue to believe that taking my husband’s name (should I ever marry again) will be the way to go for me.

Thanks for the thought provoking subject matter!

1. When my dad proposed to his now wife, he gave her a ring of course. And then she went out and bought him an engagement ring too! I thought that was a great idea. Of course he just used the same ring when they got married because he didn’t want to wear two the way most women do.

2. I also didn’t want an engagement ring. I hate wearing jewelry, and I didn’t want the pressure of having to wear a big ring all the time. Plus when we get married, I’d just want to wear a simple wedding band anyway, so why spend the money on a diamond? But Brad said he’d like to be able to propose someday, ring and all. So I said that as long as I wasn’t expected to wear two rings every day the rest of my life, that I’d be happy to have an engagement ring. See, I can compromise. And maybe he’ll want one too.

3. First I told Brad about wanting to keep my last name, which he got used to quickly. Then I told him that I’d probably just continue indicating myself as a “Ms.” when asked because “Mrs.” just sounds so… I don’t know, not me I guess. When I told him, he said, rather huffily, “So basically you’re not making any changes to show that you’re married.” And then I reversed it and asked him what changes he was making that I wasn’t. None. Then I think he understood.

You discussed how women taking on the husband’s surname reflects the archaic notion that she is subordinate to him. And you pointed out that he isn’t expected to alter his name in any way. … Well, how about that?

When engaged, only the woman is expected to wear a ring. Other men presumably see this and deduce that she’s “taken” and they move on. (Before rings, did the men just pee on their brides-to-be?) … The men have no such ring, no overt symbol of their relationship status.

Then, when married, as you said, the woman becomes Mrs. [Husband's Last Name] :::::Or worse, Mrs [Husband's First Name] {Husband’s Last Name:::::. And not only does said husband not typically take on any part of his wife’s surname, but also his “Mr” has no married variation. While “Miss” turns to “Mrs.”, “Mr.” is always “Mr.”

I’m not nearly as eloquent as you are at articulating these thoughts, but wanted to put them on the table as they seem ever-so-loosely related to some of the things you touched on. And of course, I’m not saying I don’t hope to one day wear a beautiful engagement ring or be called Mrs. [Husband's Last Name], but rather that these concepts should be studied more thoroughly.

From your comment it seems like you know you want what you’ve decided, instead of just thinking you want it, and I think that’s great. But I’ve talked to people who have said, “I wish I would have thought about it more” not only about this but about a lot of things. So I’m not trying to make this the number one issue for marrying couples, I just like to encourage thoughtful decisions. I hope I didn’t come off as condescending or demanding.

While I agree with most of your post, that comment just bothered me…so here’s my answer:
Because this just isn’t such an important issue for some of us! I was well aware of the options out there but I’ve always looked forward to taking my husband’s last name (even before I knew who he was.) There is enough in life (and marriage) to analyze, debate, and compromise on without starting to question those things you know yourself to want (but more power to those of you who DO feel strongly about this!)