Finally I found time to write this monstrosity. Here it is, the eagerly awaited (ha) Last Names Post. It’s long, so if you’re truly interested, grab a snack and get comfortable. No seriously. Kick off your shoes and pop some popcorn cuz it’s looong.

Let me start out by saying up front that the premise of this post is not to judge anyone else’s choice or to attempt to persuade anyone into making any particular decisions. All I intend to do is relay my thoughts on the subject and encourage others to think about it and perhaps relay their thoughts in turn. You can find my initial prompt here, but please feel free to chime in on this post too.

I’m sure you’ve figured out that I’ve given this issue a lot of thought, and in the end, what I’ve decided for myself is that I feel very strongly about preserving my last name and possibly passing it on. This is a personal choice I made a long time ago before I even met my current boyfriend (and likely future husband). I found it interesting that so many people mentioned feminism in comments to the previous post. For me, though I do consider myself a feminist, this was never a feminist decision. Perhaps the choice to give it some serious thought and consideration had some feminist roots, I owed myself that at least, but I don’t believe I am necessarily furthering feminist causes by keeping my last name. By speaking out about the fact that women do have choices in the matter? Yes, perhaps in that way I am. But in my own personal choice? No, it’s nothing more than just that: personal.

My last name means a lot to me, which is not true for many women. So I understand why it’s easy for many of them to give theirs up. To me, however, my last name truly is a part of my identity. All my life I’ve been a Smith (not my real name) Girl (there are five of us), and that means a lot to me. My family is very close, especially my siblings, and we feel a bond through our last name. My brother has the name tatooed on his back. Three of my sisters just had our last initial tatooed on their bodies (I’d do the same if I could get comfortable with the idea of permanently inking myself). I’m serious when I say it’s important to us. It represents our membership in the family, and even though we’d still welcome any member that changed their name at marriage, I personally want to keep mine.

Someone in comments pointed out that a last name is often a paternal bond, and because she’s not close with her father or his family she is happy to remove herself from that association. I, however, love my dad and the entire lineage that my name has descended from. I’m proud to be associated with it. So proud in fact that sometimes I wonder why not everyone wants to be a part of my family! On the other hand, I would have been equally as honored to be associated with my mother’s family in name. Yet I don’t feel disconnected from my mom because of our different names (though this may have more to do with the fact that my mother has changed her last name about seven different times in her life), so I am fully aware that a name is not the only thing that bonds people.

Also, my name represents my heritage. I am 100% Dutch; every single ancestor of mine is Dutch, as far back as we can trace. It’s very uncommon in my generation in America to be 100% anything. And my last name is very Dutch, it even has a really sweet translation. Again, that means a lot to me. While to some it’s just a last name, to me it’s my past and my present and decidedly my future as well.

To me, it would feel like I was losing part of my identity, emotionally and physically. Someone in comments said that if she wasn’t proud to be Mrs. [Husband's Last Name] then she wouldn’t marry the guy. For me though, it has nothing to do with not being proud to be Mrs. [Husband's Last Name], I would still be proud and honored to be his wife. But I don’t think I need to change my name to represent that. It’s not about rejecting his name, it’s about preserving mine. Nobody questions a man’s decision to keep his, nobody says that he must not be proud to be married to his wife. Why? Just because that’s the way it’s always been. I think it’s unfair to question a woman’s pride or solidarity to her husband just because she chooses to maintain her name.

Some people go so far as to commonly be referred to as Mrs. [Husband's First Name] [Husband's Last Name], which is really sad to me (there I’m being a little judgmental I guess). Who are you? Only the female extension of your husband? I’ve heard a lot of women say they feel like they don’t even know who they are after so many years of marriage, and while I know that’s not universal, I want to do what I can now to keep that from happening. I’m doing so in many ways, but yes, my decision to preserve my name is one. However, let me repeat: I am not trying to change anybody’s mind. This is only what I know to be right for myself.

In reading up on this topic, I read a quote somewhere. I’ve lost track of where I read it so forgive my improper citation, but it said something about how the last name tradition reflects the out-dated idea that a woman is subordinate in a marriage. The reason I bring this up is because of the word “reflects.” By no means does the tradition of a woman taking on her husband’s last name mean, universally, that she is subordinate to him. The act does not equal subordination, but as a whole, the tradition reflects an archaic notion. One that began in a time when women were generally subordinate to their husbands. By saying this, it may seem that I’m suggesting that indeed my decision to keep my last name is a feminist effort to oppose this tradition, but again, the decision was personal. Though I fully admit that my reasons for considering my choices did stem from ideas like the above.

I guess what I wish is not for more people to do like I do (I don’t really care what your last name is or where it came from!), but just that women and couples thought about it more. Many people in comments said that they didn’t or wouldn’t give it a second thought. Why not? It doesn’t take long. You’ll probably come to the same conclusion, but why not give it a second thought before you commit?

I ask soon-to-be-married people all the time what they plan to do with their last name, and almost all women say change it. When I ask why they either say they don’t know because they never really thought about it, or they say that they just thought they had to, like they had no choice. A few, of course, have more compelling and well-thought out reasons (see comments of this post for examples). I also have asked many married women of all ages why they chose to change their names (I run into very few who haven’t), and they give similar answers: they didn’t think about it or they thought they had to.

That bothers me. It bothers me that this is such a non-issue, that nobody even talks about it. In this article that Brad sent me (and which prompted me to finally bring up this issue here), it is stated that women changing their names to take their husband’s is “a patriarchal tradition so ingrained in American society that many women’s studies researchers have yet to study it.” No wonder nobody questions it. It’s so commonly practiced and accepted that most women, and men for that matter, never even think about it. And not only do we, as a society, not think about it on a personal level, we don’t study it either. It hasn’t really occurred to anyone that this is a women’s issue that needs to be researched, studied, questioned, looked at. I find that disturbing, but not at all surprising. Women are often interested to find out that they even have options, and men are usually shocked to hear that anybody does anything different.

Truth be told, it took Brad a little while to get used to the idea that I wouldn’t be a Jones (not his real name) like him. Like most men, he had assumed his future wife would take his name without question. In short order he came to accept my decision completely and has even stated vaguely that he hasn’t made any firm decisions about his own last name, though I suspect he’s not quite ready for anything as radical as taking his wife’s name upon marriage. That’s okay, he respects my decision and I will respect any that he makes.

I plan to talk further about this particular option, that of the man taking the woman’s last name, later. But first let’s examine what options there are.

Options
The most common, of course, is for a wife to take her husband’s last name. This is pretty standard, and I’ve heard that it makes a lot of things in life simpler. One might also argue that it complicates matters because one person’s legal and personal identity is being changed (ever tried to track down an old high school friend who has since gotten married and changed her name?). This option is out for me for all the reasons I’ve already discussed.

A similar option, already mentioned, is for the husband to take his wife’s name. The same simple v. complicated issues apply here, only for the other person. This one is up to Brad, though I doubt a complete name change is in his future.

Another option, which is becoming increasingly more common, is the hyphenated name. Smith-Jones, for example. In the past it’s mostly been women who do this while their men retain only one name, but I think that more couples are considering mutual hyphenation so that they still share a last name. This could work for Brad and I, except for the fact that our names sound ridiculous together no matter which comes first. If our names had a nice natural rhythm then maybe, but as they are it’s just not worth it when we’re content with our own separate names.

Similarly, some couples say screw the hyphen and just have two full-fledged last names. Yeah okay, that’s interesting, but for us it still sounds as ridiculous as the hyphenation. No thanks.

Some couples choose to smoosh their names together. This works well for some, such as the Miller + Stonebrook = Millstone example in the original comments. Natural and comfortable. We, however, have tried all possible combinations of our names and each time we utter one out loud, we both have a good laugh. Every possibility sounds either like a clown’s name or a new heart medication. This option will not work.

Some people, women especially, keep their maiden name professionally but change their last name for every other purpose. I don’t get this. Why? I mean I see why, you’re already established professionally and don’t want to confuse people. But isn’t it confusing to have two last names? How do you keep them straight? What if you know somebody both professionally and personally, what do they call you? Yes, I might be judging again, but I just don’t get it. No, this option is definitely not for me.

A couple women in comments said that they moved their maiden name into the middle slot, bumping their middle name out of the mix and taking their husband’s last name. I’m not particularly attached to my middle name, so that might be okay, except I don’t want to lose my last name or even move it. It’s too important to be demoted to the middle. I offered this option to Brad, thinking maybe he’d be willing to try it on himself. He didn’t bite.

In the end, we’ve decided that we’re okay with having different last names. He likes his, I like mine, and this way neither of us has to deal with changing our name on every single legal document. Unless one of us has a major change of heart, I think we’ll be Shannon Smith and Brad Jones (and if anybody ever sends a letter to “Mr. and Mrs. Brad Jones” I’ll kindly ask them to respect both my first and last names as different from my husband’s thank you very much). Yep, we’re okay with our decision. Two people, two last names.

But what about the kids?

Children
When we think about eventually having children, we run into all kinds of trouble. Most people would just give the kids their dad’s name even if the mother’s is different. And at first I thought that would be fine with me too. But now I’m not so sure. Brad says that last names are a connection to the parents, but I argue that they are a connection to a family. If I called my kids Jones, and that simply meant they were connected by name to their father, then I would be happy. But in reality, it means they are connected to the entire Jones family.

Now, it gets a little complicated here, and without divulging too much, let’s just say that I feel much closer and more welcome in part of Brad’s family than the other part. And that other part is the Jones part. I like all the Joneses, but after two years with Brad, I still feel like a stranger. I don’t want to say any more than that, but in the end, I want my kids to be linked, in name, not only to his/her parents but to a family that his/her parents are close to. Therefore, I want Smith officially represented in some way.

We could hyphenate, but if we’re not willing to plague ourselves with such an awkward sound, can we do that to our kids? We’ve considered making either Smith or Jones a middle name for each child, and making the other a last name. Brad has even suggested that we give each child a different name, one Smith and one Jones, but that idea was quickly discarded. We’ve toyed with this issue endlessly, never coming up with an acceptable solution. Kids are a long way off for us, so we keep hoping that by the time they come around, we’ll have stumbled upon the perfect solution. Any ideas?

A Mind Shift
Here’s where I talk a little more about the idea of men taking their wives’ last names. Please, read this article. I think it does a good job of explaining how uncommon this practice is and how a decision to do it affects a couple in so many more ways than the more traditional options.

I’ve already mentioned how this custom is so ingrained in our society that we don’t even pay attention to it, nor think about it, nor study it. But even for those few couples that do give it some thought, if they choose to do anything that challenges tradition, they are slapped in the face by loved ones and legal institutions alike.

Before I get into that, let me first point out that my family is perhaps on the cutting edge of this social change, which maybe makes it familiar to me and easier to view as perfectly normal. I mentioned earlier that my mother has changed her name about seven times in her life. She does this with each marriage and divorce (it’s been a rocky road that has finally led her to a good guy). But what is significant is that after her second divorce, rather than reverting back to ther maiden name, she took on the last name of her kids, which is also her first husband (my dad)’s last name. This was not strange or uncomfortable for anyone involved, it’s just what worked.

Secondly, and more pertinently, my brother-in-law did not hesitate to take my sister’s last name when they were married five years ago. He’s a Smith now. He didn’t have any particular attachments to his name, she did to hers. His name was a little awkward, her last name was short and sweet (Granted, we have our fair share of complications. Our name is not exactly spelled how it sounds), so it just worked for them.

I think it was pretty simple for my brother-in-law to change his name, but that doesn’t seem to be the case for most against-the-grain men. According to the article there are only a handful of states that make it simple for men to change their names; the rest make them jump through flaming hoops.

It’s just not normal, and anything not normal must be made complicated. I can only hope that these men will keep fighting the good fight, and that more men will join the battle, and that eventually it will be just as easy for men to change their names as it is for women.

Another thing that caught my attention in the article is how confused and shocked a couple’s family and friends are when they do something so unheard of in our society. They just don’t get it, maybe they think it’s a joke. I think my family took my sister and her husband’s decision with ease (Oh really? That’s cool), and even his family didn’t bat their eyes more than once. But most couples who dare to be different are met with a million questions and endless awkard moments. And unfortunately, a lot of mockery as well.

It saddens me that when men choose to take their wife’s last name at marriage, they are confronted with unbelievable intolerance. The article tells the story of one man who was called a sissy and told to turn in his man card. My question is this: Is it really that horrible to do something that is traditionally done by women? What is so wrong with women that men don’t want to be associated with their ways at all? When a woman does something “traditionally male,” she is usually applauded by her fellow women for daring to put herself out there. Men, when doing something “traditionally female,” however, are mocked and ridiculed by their peers as weak or inferior. Why? That, to me, signifies so much that is wrong with our culture.

I like what one guy in the article said about being a granola liberal who wants to tweak tradition. For him that was a secondary benefit or reason for his decision, but it didn’t hurt. Same here. I like the idea that I might be part of the beginning of a growing trend. I always imagine that if I lived in a different era, I would be someone who challenged tradition and was on the cutting edge of all the major societal shifts that have occurred in our culture. Maybe I would have been one of the first women to go to college or one of the first people to oppose slavery. But I live in this century, and so one of the things I can do is not be afraid to challenge traditions like name-changing.

The article closes with a quote from one of the men with a new last name. He says that he’s worried people will think he took his wife’s last name so that others will do so as well, but really that’s not it at all. It just made sense for him and his wife. My sentiments exactly.

I hope nobody thinks that I think my decision is the best decision, or that I want everyone to follow my example. Every couple has a different solution that works for them; this is what works for us. I just hope that you have a little something to chew on for awhile. I don’t care if more or fewer last names change because of this, as long as the thinking starts to change.