doahleigh - Holy Waste of Teabags!

B and I spent a good part of the weekend crafting and posting our story, which you can read here and here, but it seems it wasn’t quite complete. Per request, I’m adding this addendum to answer a few questions. I spared Brad from helping me though. He did a great job (didn’t he folks?) but I think he’s had enough writing for a few days. However I did have to solicit his help when answering these. I couldn’t remember exaclty!

1. Dori asked how and when we became “official” as a couple.

That is a really hard question actually. We both had to laugh because we could not remember how we went from just friends to more than friends to being an official couple. At first I thought maybe that was because we did it so seamlessly, like it was just a natural progression or something. Yeah not quite.

Brad reminded me that I was extremely reluctant to assign titles and get all official. He seems to think that’s because I was trying to be independent and that I didn’t want to get serious with him. Which is maybe kind of true. Recall that I had recently broken up with a guy, and part of me wasn’t ready to dive back in. I thought I’d try single life for awhile. But I quickly found that I wanted to be with Brad and Brad alone. I’m not very good at juggling. Really, I just didn’t want to pressure him into anything. I felt pretty content just chillin’ and seeing what happened, and I guess I overstated that a little.

One day a friend asked if I’d be interested in maybe going out with a guy she knew. Like I said, I’m not good at juggling so my instinct was to stick to one guy, but I also didn’t want to pass anything up if Brad was dating on the side. So I asked him. He told me I could do whatever I wanted, but that he wasn’t planning to see anyone else. Well in that case, me neither. And suddenly, we were official.

I think the titles came soon after that, though I do remember an episode in July (three months after our first date) where he introduced me as his “friend” to some people who knew his ex-girlfriend (Brad has no explanation for this). However, I’m pretty sure we were official by then because it was after we first said the I love yous. See question 2.

2. Jess asked who said “I love you” first.

Brad. We were at my dad’s house soon after he first met my family. We had made a makeshift bed out of the couches in the living room where we were curled up together trying not to fall through the cracks. It was late and we were talking about all sorts of things. I’ll leave the details of the conversation out, let some things remain a mystery, but suddenly things felt really intense. There was an energy in the air and I tried to stay still and quiet, waiting for something to happen. Brad obviously had something on his mind, but he was working out in his head if/how/when to say it.

I think he actually told me he had something to say but wasn’t sure what I’d think of it. Remember me who seemed reluctant to even be called his girlfriend? Yeah, I can sympathize with his hesitancy. But I told him to go ahead, and then he told me he loved me. And I said it back without any reservations.

It was very sweet. We stayed up longer talking some more, and when we finally settled in to go to sleep, I told him again that I loved him and he said it back. And I remember thinking how new and exciting that was, but also how we might be saying this to each other every single day for the rest of our lives. And that made me happy.

This is Part 2 of the story of how B and I got together. In Part 1, we left off as “just friends” who just started hanging out. We were crazy about each other but unwilling to admit it.

S: Finally one night, after about a week and a half of spending nearly every evening together, Brad sent me a text message just to say hi. I remember it was a Sunday night because I was watching Desperate Housewives. Texting costs me ten cents a message, but I didn’t care because this cellular conversation was quickly heating up.

B: It was meant as just a quick ‘hi,’ but turned into a confession of sorts about how we had parked near the airport the night before and sat for quite a while talking. For some reason, in one of those “should-I-or-shouldn’t-I” moments, I confessed that I wanted to kiss you!

S: And being the snarky brat I was, I said something like, “Well why didn’t you then?” But I also confessed I wanted to kiss you too. Finally we admitted that we were hot for each other. Good, now next time we hang out we’ll both know we want to be more than friends and we’ll kiss and it’ll be great.

B: Yeah, I can’t wait!

S: But it didn’t quite happen that way. The next time we were together we spent the whole evening bouncing awkwardly around the topic of kissing. We talked about everything but. And when he dropped me off at the end of the night, I waited quietly before getting out of the jeep, silently thinking Do It Do It Do It! But I don’t think he heard me.

B: Yeah, you must have been sending more secret, invisible signals. I just didn’t get the vibe. There wasn’t a moment (in my eyes) that was optimal for me to swoop in and make the move. I mean, that’s quite a move. The first kiss! and you’re so far away! Like 1½ feet!

S: So the first attempt was a bust. As was the second and third. Over a week went by and no kiss. We’d talk about it through email or IM the day after each missed kiss, but whenever we got together we talked about anything but how much we wanted to suck face with each other. One night we decided to drive to a town 40 minutes away because their movie theaters are so much better. On the way home we didn’t talk at all. I’m still not sure what happened, but it was our first real fight, if a fight can be defined by 40 minutes of complete silence.

B: That sounds like the definitive Brad/Shannon fight! I think I was mad that we weren’t getting it on (hehe) so I was pouting. Who knows, I was young and stupid back then. And then, I got a case of strep throat, which meant no kissing anyone or anything for about a week and a half. But then, I recovered, and Shan and I finally hung out on ‘the day.’

S: Wasn’t the strep throat before the silent fight?

B: Oh, hmm, maybe. Yeah, probably. The long wait probably made us irritable.

S: Wait I just remembered something. Babe, remember the electronic kiss? God we were lame.

B: Oh yeah! Lame? I thought it was romantic! And so technological of us. We were such a 2005 couple. After dropping Shannon off one night, after another unsuccessful attempt at furthering our relationship, I sent her a text message that said something like *smooch* or something like that. Haha, ok yeah it was lame.

S: It was cute, but I’m pretty sure I let you know that an electronic kiss wasn’t going to suffice. So okay, there was the text kiss, then Brad got strep and we were forced apart for almost a week. Then came the silent fight. I drove that night and when I dropped him off, we didn’t even sit quietly waiting for the other to make a move. He got out of the car and I quickly drove away. We were fighting before we had even kissed! We skipped right over romance and straight into bitter angst. We talked about it via email the next day, admitting how stupid we were for getting in a ridiculous fight and how pathetic we were for making this first kiss such a big. fucking. deal. The very next day we hung out again, once again infatuated with each other.

B: I can’t even remember what we did that night, but somehow we ended up lying down together. I was pretty sure this was it. This was the moment. I got all nervous and my heart was thumping right out of my chest. We both knew it was coming. After a few tense moments of figuring it all out in my mind, I finally rolled over and kissed her. On the lips even! I was incredibly nervous but it was such a feeling of relief and it felt so good! To finally kiss each other, and put our arms around each other, it was like a goal we had strived to reach, and waiting so long only built up the anticipation!

S: How the hell did we end up in your bed together before we had ever even kissed?

B: Hmm, good question. To clarify for any family members that may be reading, we were on my bed, not in it. And we were watching TV. We ended up hanging out a lot on my bed, it was really the only place we could just sit together that wasn’t a car.

S: Yeah we eventually got sick of the car and spent some time watching tv in his room. But we were definitely on the bed, not in it. Anyway, I remember I had my eyes closed willing him to just kiss me already. I might have done it myself if I wasn’t such a gutless wimp. Finally, FINALLY, I felt him leaning in and thank god it was a good kiss. Imagine if we went through a month of waiting only for him to spit all over my face and stick his tongue down my throat. No, it was wonderful. And totally worth the wait.

B: Well I had been practicing on my hand for weeks, so I knew what I was doing (not really). It was definitely worth it, and I was glad we could be that much more comfortable with each other.

S: And the rest is history. Our next milestone didn’t come for another few weeks, but we’ll save that story for another time. Kidding! We’re not that willing to share. Brad and I still have ridiculous fights, sometimes we use a lot of words, sometimes we’re silent. But we spend most of our time kissing, laughing, enjoying each other, and making a life together. I love you babe, happy kissaversary annikissary.

B: I love you too.

In honor of our “kissaversary” “annikissary” I asked B to help me write the story of how we got together. Turns out it’s a rather lengthy story, so here’s Part 1. The rest to follow soon.

S: Two years ago tomorrow Brad and I had our first kiss… nearly a month after we had started “dating” and over seven months after we first met. It’s totally his fault though. I was giving him all the right signals, practically throwing myself at him, but he was always too sweet to go for it. Right hon?

B: Okay, first off, there were no signals. I don’t know what these “secret signals” are that women seem to be throwing around left and right, but at least one guy is oblivious to them, obviously. If these “signals” include sitting in the car, eating ice cream, and talking about TV shows then I’ve got a few potential relationships budding on the side!

S: I’m pretty sure telling you directly that I want to kiss you is a good signal, but let’s back up a bit. About seven months actually. I moved to this town to take a job (aka: full-time volunteer gig) and didn’t know a soul (oh yeah, except for my then-boyfriend who moved here a couple months earlier). Anyway, on September 1st, when I had been on the job less than two months, I found myself in front of a college classroom, trying to recruit students to join me at a leadership camp. Only two people expressed interest after class, one of which was a tall, dark and handsome chap who leaned in close and said, “Hey I’m Brad. You’re beautiful. Will you marry me?” Or maybe it was something more like “Uh yeah, I might want to go to that camp thing. Or whatever.”

B: Well, the good scholar in me will say that the camp sounded like a great way to fulfill some class requirements as well as explore my intentions to take initiative in life. But, a lot of the reason was that Shannon was a super-cutey and I really wanted to go to camp with her! (or anywhere, for that matter. I wasn’t daydreaming about us singing songs around a campfire or anything) She even asked for my phone number, slyly making the excuse that she might have to call me about “availability” or something like that…

S: In the end, Brad came to camp a few weeks later where we proceeded to ignore each other. He was a student and I was an adviser, so for most of the weekend things stayed within that realm. Plus I had a boyfriend at the time, so I had blinders on. One day however, we ended up in a canoe together as part of our “team time.” I was a lady and allowed Brad to do all the rowing while I lounged in front. We talked about family and interests, all the usual small talk stuff, and it crossed my mind that it might be nice to have a friend in town (Jackson is lacking in twenty-somethings so to find someone my age was a treasure), so when Brad asked me if I might want to hang out sometime, I said sure.

B: I was very single at the time and was always on the lookout. I didn’t know that Shan had a boyfriend so I was sending out my signals (asking questions like “So what do you do, where do you do it, etc.) Of course Shan’s blinders led me to believe that she wanted no part of me. So I spent the night by myself, wishing I could have been at home instead of trying to find something to do in a camp with people I didn’t know. Sob story aside, it was nice to meet Shan and have the time to get to know her a little better.

S: Aww I hate that you spent the night wishing you weren’t there. Sad. Well he must not have been all that discouraged because the next week he called me at work to ask me to hang out. I had to decline due to other plans, and when I thought about it later, I realized that I was probably setting myself up for trouble. You know, the boyfriend and all. So then, aside from the occasional email or IM chat, we didn’t talk for five months. In the meantime things with the boyfriend dissolved, I had a weird thing with another guy, then suddenly I found myself all alone in a lonely town. Hmm… what to do.

B: How about bowling? That’s about all there is to do in Jackson besides shopping, so I figured “Hey, that should be a fun time. We’ll bowl, we’ll laugh, we’ll get to hang out instead of being college employee and college student. We’ll see how this goes. Hmm, yeeeaaah……

S: I emailed Brad and subtly hinted we should hang out sometime. He suggested bowling. It was smoky and dark and awkward, and after two games we left. In the parking lot he asked what I was doing; I said going home I guess and you; he said going home I guess. And that’s what we did. Even though we both liked each other. The night went so horribly, we don’t even count it as our first date.

B: And then you left forever and didn’t even call me on my birthday remember?

S: Yeah, I went on a trip with some friends. I wanted to call but I was too nervous. Then it took us almost three weeks before we hung out again. We did it under the guise of “just friends,” but it’s the day that started it all. We consider it our first date and the day that marks our anniversary. April 8.

B: Dinner, ice cream, a walk around Target, and a movie. Except I was completely convinced that she was only interested in me as a friend, so I didn’t make any kind of moves.

S: I was newly single, I would have slept with you in a second.

B: Would have been nice to know.

S: Anyway, we did this for a couple weeks. We were both so desperate to hang out with one another that we canceled plans and lost sleep to do it, yet neither of us ever acknowledged that we were anything more than new friends hanging out due to pure boredom. B was living at home at the time and I was boarding at someone’s house, so we never had anywhere to go and just be. We always had to be out and about. When we ran out of money, we would sit in his jeep with crooked necks and sore backs, talking for hours. You’d think our mutual willingness to sacrifice sleep, plans and comfort would be a giant flashing sign that we were soooo into each other, but we were both too stubborn to admit it.

In Part 2, find out how we obnoxiously analyzed the kiss and even fought about it for a few weeks before finally locking lips.

Recently I finished reading The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. Besides being a great story, the book messed with my head a little. In a good way. The ideas of time and time travel are difficult to wrap my mind around, and after reading the novel I think that we’re better off without the ability to move around in time. If everyone started time traveling, the world would be a chaotic mess with no sense of boundaries or order. As a person who feels naked without her watch, I’m happy within the confines of time as we know it.

However, this post (on an über-popular blog I’m sure you all read) made me think how nice it would be if a ”me” from the future could travel back in time to right now and tell the present “me” that everything turns out okay. That eventually I’ll find a way out of this and feel better.

In the book, the time traveler, Henry, often runs into himself. Sometimes a future Henry will meet himself in the present or a past Henry will land in the living room of his future self. Or his future self will meet up with his wife or a friend in the past. It’s all very complicated really. It’s tempting to reveal parts of the future to himself, but Henry usually refrains from telling any past selves about the future, trying to maintain some sense of normalcy in his far from normal life. But occasionally he’ll spill a little, mostly just to reassure himself or someone else that everything turns out fine, they don’t have to worry.

That’s what I could use right now. I don’t want any spoilers, I don’t need to know where I end up or what I’ll be doing a year from now. I just want to know that it turns out okay. I think I could be reassured knowing that even though I can’t say everything is okay now, someday my “self” is able to say it is. If only Shannon of 2008 could walk in right now, hug me, and say “It’s all going to be okay, I promise. Just hold on a little longer.” I think it might be easier to hold on.*

*Also, wouldn’t it be nice if I wasn’t such a downer anymore?

Could they pat themselves on the back anymore? But I guess they have to do that to get the big sponsors, and if big sponsors equals big money donated, then fine. I might even vote. Brad’s over there voting right now and he usually hardly pays attention. So I guess it’s working.

Chris: Better than he has been recently, but still didn’t love it.
Melinda: She’s always so good, I find myself paying more attention to everyone else lately.
Blake: Subtle and subdued. I really like his voice.
LaKisha: I didn’t know it was a Fantasia song, so I really liked it. Get over it Paula.
Phil: His wife is so cute, I want to be friends with them. I’m so glad he’s lasted this long because I adore Phil.
Jordin: Girl’s got talent!

Tomorrow should be interesting. I guess at this point I’m hoping for Chris to go home. That would leave my favorite five contestants.

I think my problem is that I have no outlets for stress. I know a lot of people have a drink in the evenings or on the weekends to help them unwind from a long day or stressful week. Too many people, in my opinion, smoke as a stress reliever. Others spend loads of money on massages or days at the spa. And some people exercise, sweating out the stresses of life.

I don’t do any of those things. I rarely drink, and even when I do have the occassional cocktail or beer, it doesn’t do much for me anyway. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life, and I’m pretty sure if I tried one now, I’d never stop. So that’s out. Massages or day spas? Oh how I’d love to, but the money to buy a much-needed new pair of jeans has alluded me for weeks, so luxuries like these are out of the question. And exercise? Well let’s just say that I have no idea what people mean when they say things like “runner’s high” or “working out is fun.” I walk with a friend twice a week because it’s good for me, but I never feel less stressed for the effort.

Instead of relieving my stress through some kind of outlet, I just steep in it, stewing and brewing, feeling worse and worse. Not that I’m really wishing I was a smoker or drinker, but one of those healthier ways of relieving stress might be nice. Why doesn’t exercise make me feel good instead tired and annoyed? I think even if I did yoga or something more relaxing (and yet healthy), it would still feel more like an obligation than a relief.

However, this weekend I did find a couple things that put me in a great mood: friends, family and gorgeous weather. I spent the weekend in GR visiting a good friend Friday night and spending all day Saturday with my family. My sisters, my brothers, my niece and nephew, my mom, dad, stepmom. We spent the whole day outside in the warm sun and the whole evening inside making silly skits like we used to as kids.

When I came home on Sunday I took a nap, then spent another beautiful day with Brad. Driving with the windows down, miniature golfing, grilling burgers with his parents. It was a magnificent weekend, and I didn’t feel stressed for one minute (except for that time when I almost ran out of gas in a traffic jam on the way back and had a bit of a spastic moment). I felt so uplifted all weekend and I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to feel stressed and weighed down by life again.

Why is it that my stress relievers are nice weather which I have no control over and which has been fleeting until now and which I don’t even get to enjoy over half the time because I’m locked in a windowless office, family of which I have none to speak of in near vicinity and therefore don’t see for months at a time, and friends of which I also have none to speak of in this town so that I spend far too much time alone and wishing that I lived closer to my old friends because even those relationships are slipping away?

I’m doing what I can to change those things, but so far I’ve hit wall after wall. After wall. I had a wonderful weekend and I think the momentum from that will keep me going for a few days still. But after that and before I figure out some long-term solutions, what do you think I should try? Do you see me chain smoking or stocking up my liquor cabinet?*

*I don’t even have a liquor cabinet, so I guess that’s out. So is smoking. Ew.

I’m always impressed with writers who can tell a story in a way that isn’t strictly chronological. The thought that it takes to map out the plot and all its details before ever beginning to write is a testimony to a writer that is truly dedicated to their story. Niffenegger took this talent to a different level. Time travel really messes with chronology so there was no way to tell this story in any sort of “timely fashion.” From the very beginning, this book messed with my head. In a good way. At first I had to think through every line, figure out how everything fit together. Eventually I got the hang of how the time traveling worked and it was easier to follow along.

Still, this book got inside my head. I dreamt about time travel, even waking up at times to wonder what year it was. Was I in the present? Was my boyfriend in the present? Were we in the past? The future?

I thought this novel was going to be kind of fluffy. Maybe set in the 1800s or something. Not very relatable basically. Instead the story was raw, the characters were real. There were a few times that I felt frustrated, but I won’t spoil the plot by explaining them. Suffice it to say, in the end I understand why certain things had to be explained in certain ways.

One testimony to the value of this book is that I even got my non-reading boyfriend involved. He does not read novels. At all. And no, he didn’t read this one either. But I was so excited with each chapter I read that I eventually started giving him updates. Guess what Henry did now! Listen to this twist in the plot! And it sparked more than one in depth conversation about time travel, time dimensions, time in general. I can’t wait to talk to someone who has read the book. It made me think, it messed with my head, it even made me cry. Why don’t I hear more about this novel?

Not that it really matters anymore as the results show is on in a couple hours, but I can’t break tradition after so many weeks. I couldn’t get at the computer last night, and today has been too crazy to even sit at my desk for more than two minutes at a time. So this is my first chance to write my thoughts from last night.

Phil: I can’t help it, I just really like this guy.
Jordin: That was really nice.
Sanjaya: The whole thing is just so… weird.
Lakisha: Not my favorite thing ever.
Chris: Phone call. Why do I keep missing Chris’ performances?
Melinda: She’s just good.
Blake: I’ve never paid much attention to AI contestants after their time on the show, but I might actually download Blake’s music when he puts out an album.

My guess for elimination? Chris (sorry Robin) or Phil. Good luck!

The lovely Jen played a little game the other day, and asked for other suckers to play along. I volunteered. Which I thought would be a fun thing since lately I’ve been struggling for interesting blog fodder, but turns out Jen is pretty vicious with her questions. The game so goes that when you ask to play along, the original author gets to ask you five pesonalized questions that you then answer on your own blog. You’ll notice that two of my questions force me to choose ONE thing out of BILLIONS of possibilities, and that, folks, is damn near impossible for me. I hate choosing. But here it goes, my answers.

1. If you could only eat one kind or brand of cereal for the rest of your life, which would you choose and why?

I love cereal and often deem it my favorite food, but that’s because the choices are so vast and varied. Choosing just one puts a whole new spin on things. Brad and I bonded over our mutual love for cereal, and we could easily go through about four boxes a week together. He’s a little more picky than me, but I can’t think of a single kind of cereal that I won’t eat. So to choose one? That’s just mean. It can’t be something too sweet because I’d eventually get sick of the sweetness. But it can’t be anything too bland because eventually I’d just want a bowl of sugary Froot Loops already. I think, if I absolutely had to choose only one cereal for the rest of my life, I’d go with regular (not cinammon) Life. Not too sweet, not too bland, and it’s always been a favorite. Now I just reread the question, and I think “one kind or brand” might mean that I can get away with an entire line of cereal. Like Post of Kellogg’s. Yes? In that case, I think I have to abandon Life and go over to Kellogg’s because have you seen their huge variety? Mmmm… cereal.

2. What Seinfeld character do you most closely identify with?

Wow that’s hard. Not Kramer; I’m too careful to ever try out his never-ending crazy ideas and schemes. Not Jerry; he’s kind of a freak really, what with the paranoia and obsessive-compulsiveness. Sometimes I don’t even wash my hands when I used the bathroom. Elaine? Maybe, just because she’s a woman. But her obsession with the sponge kind of turned me off from her. I’m a pill girl. Sadly, I might have to say George because basically, George is just a failure at life. I don’t think I’m a complete failure, and I’m definitely not the loser that George sets himself up to be, but sometimes I feel like I can never quite figure things out. Like I’m just falling through life, like people look at me all the time and wonder what the hell I’m doing here, she doesn’t belong here. I’m not really like George, but I can definitely relate to him in a lot of ways. Yeah that sucks.

3. Who do people say you look like, famous or otherwise?

Oddly, I’ve only been told I look like a famous person twice. Both times it was the same celebrity, one who just happens to make me want to gouge my eyes out: Liv Tyler. My high school boyfriend thought she was gorgeous, which made my hatred of her even stronger, but he never actually told me I looked like her. Thanks a lot. Later, another boyfriend told me he thought I looked so much like Liv, and I was appalled. Please don’t ever say I look like her ever again, even if you do think she’s beautiful. And then when Brad and I first met, on one of our first dates, he innocently mentioned that he saw part of Lord of the Rings recently and hey, you know what, you kind of look like… Don’t even say it! Now it’s kind of joke, and when she was on some show the other night, he reiterated our subtle similarities.

I don’t see it. And I even found my best lip-pursing pose to compare. Maybe if I wore more makeup. 

4. Morning or night person?

Oh god neither. I hate mornings unless I get to sleep in as late as I can possibly stand it. I’m not completely incoherent in the mornings and I’m usually able to function, but I contemplate the worth of life every single time I have to get up before I’m ready. I hate mornings. But I’m not a night person either. At least not a hit-the-town-and-stay-out-late kind of night person. If I don’t have to get up early the next morning, I’ll often stay up late reading or watching a movie. But if I leave the house at all, I’m ready to be home in my pajamas by about the same time as my grandma. During the week, my favorite time of day is the evening when I’m done with work and whatever else I have to do, when I can finally just relax. On the weekends, my favorite time of day is every single second that I’m not working.

5. What is the one food item you wish you knew how to cook?

Oh Jen, you’re cute. You know I can’t cook to save my life and that I pretty much wish I could cook (and enjoying cooking) just about anything. But I’m going to say fish. I think, if my life really truly depended on it, I could figure out a way to prepare chicken or pork or beef or pasta or vegetables in some kind of edible fashion. But with fish, I would have no idea where to start. My parents never ever not even once prepared fish for dinner, yet everytime I’ve tried it in a restaurant I’ve really liked it. I think I could be a fish person if only I knew how. So Jen (and Roth) (and anybody else), what do ya got for me?

If anyone else is interested in playing along, let me know in comments or email and I’ll send you five personalized questions to answer yourself. Even if you don’t blog, you can just send your answers to me and we’ll have a good laugh.

Recently someone stumbled upon this site by searching for 

“things to do with boyfriend to have fun other than sex”

which I thought was delightful. This, of course, makes me wonder what my blog is saying about me unintentionally, especially since people end up here frequently when seeking information on “Katharine McPhee’s measurements,” which is information I have certainly never had an interest in myself. Anyway, I thought I’d offer a few suggestions for the poor girl (or guy) who loves her (his) boyfriend, but just wants him to stop grabbing her (his) ass all the time and go mini-golfing already! Try ‘em and let me know how it goes.

Instead of having sex, you could…  conduct a photo shoot with glow sticks.

Instead of having sex, you could…  watch six seasons of Gilmore Girls on DVD.

Instead of having sex, you could…  create Miis of your family and friends.

Instea of having sex, you could…  test out pillows in a department store (but don’t let him talk you into having sex on the display beds).

Instead of having sex, you could…  go “golfing.”

Instead of having sex, you could…  hoola hoop in Target.

Instead of having sex, you could… do the laundry together.

Instead of having sex, you could… draw very accurate sketches of one another.

And finally, instead of having sex, you could…  just make out!

We need help here in Doahleigh Land. Brad and I saw a performance last week done to a Ben Folds song, and since then, now five days ago, we’ve been losing our minds trying to figure out what the song is from. Other than just something we’ve heard on the radio before. We swear it’s from a movie or maybe a scene in a tv show. Something, somewhere. Where? Wheeere!

Brad has done every google search he can think of to find the answer, to no avail. The song is “Annie Waits” and the opening notes alone invoke a vague scene from something, a something we can’t identify. Help us, please. Listen to the clip, and if you have any clue what it might be from, comment. Immediately.

[audio:anniewaits.mp3]

In the last few weeks I’ve felt myself slipping. Back in December I wrote about a heavy greyness that was consuming my life, but a couple months later I was starting to turn things around. I started walking regularly, tried to eat better, and looked into ways to get out of the parts of my current situation that I don’t like. When the weather started to turn, I even felt happy and hopeful. But in the past few weeks I could feel all of that slipping away, I could feel the heavy greyness clawing its way back. I fought it the best I could, knowing I didn’t want to be the person I had been during those dark months.

But today I feel the worst I’ve felt in a long time. It took every ounce of will power I had to get out of bed this morning. It actually sounded more appealing to be jobless and homeless than to sit one more day at my desk. Then later in the morning I had to run an errand for work and I stopped at home to grab something I had forgotten. Brad was still sleeping, warm and cozy in our bed, a place I had been forced to leave two hours ago. And the sight of this managed to take away my will to persist. I hated life at that moment.

I didn’t hate Brad, I know it’s not his fault (though I usually take it out on him). He has a more flexible schedule and if I were him, I’d probably take advantage of that the same way he does. But if you’re not a morning person, have you ever had to get up every single day, hours before you’re ready, while the person next to you continued to sleep? Every. Single. Day. It eats away at your soul. Mine at least.

So after a few blunt words with Brad, I continued on my errand. As soon as I got in the car, I broke down and cried. I cried all the way to my destination. I hate feeling this way again, so full of rage and sadness. I wanted to stop the car and just sit. Sit and sit and sit. And not move. Not finish my errand, not go back to work, not explain to Brad why I was short with him, not call the pharmacy again to fill my birth control prescription again, not figure out what to eat for lunch again, not figure out what to have for dinner again, not answer calls and emails, not balance my checkbook, not figure out what to do next with my life. I didn’t want to do any of it.

And I hate that I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m lucky to be employed, to have food and shelter, to have a boyfriend and family. I try to count my blessings all the time, but sometimes the greyness is stronger. Sometimes my head feels so heavy, my arms feel so heavy, my feet feel heavy, my hair even. I don’t think I can carry myself around anymore.

What I need is a mood-booster. A spirit-lifter. Is this when people do yoga? Meditate? Is there a pill I can take in times like these? A song I can listen to? A person I can talk to?

I don’t have any of those. Or if I’ve tried them, they don’t work. I haven’t found anything that helps lift me out of a funk, so I just let it eat at me until I’m so devoured that I don’t even care.

What do you do? How can I get through this day?