My sister (A) is a little crazy when she sleeps. She grinds her teeth down to nubs and often mumbles long litanies of nonsense. One night, when we were in high school, she sleep-walked to my room and frantically sleep-pounded on my door, sleep-jiggling the door handle, trying to sleep-break-in. Sounding much like the rapists, murderers and predators of my nightmares, scaring the shit out of me. I hated her for days!

Another sister (E) likes to cuddle in her sleep. She presses up against you, throws her leg over yours, wraps her arm around your chest, maybe even attempts to fondle your breasts. I think once she even tried to make out with me in her sleep.

I, however, am a very normal sleeper. Aside from the occassional moan, I’m pretty peaceful. No snoring, talking, walking, grinding, cuddling, fondling. When I sleep, I’m quiet and restful. But in the name of complete disclosure, I will say that my sleep? It is very fragile. Seriously, do not mess with it! A lesson Brad has learned the hard way many times over.

When I’m trying to sleep, sleeping or just waking up…don’t you dare touch me, talk to me, or in any way disturb me. Frankly, I’m a raging bitch when my sleep is tampered with.

Case in point: Last night, a couple hours after we fell asleep, Brad noticed that the power had flicked off and on and my alarm clock was now blinking 12:12am. He was only trying to be helpful, bless his innocent soul, when he woke me up to let me know. I, however, did not see it that way at all.

Honey your alarm clock is flashing. Do you want to reset it?

What no leave me alone I don’t care.

But you need to reset your alarm.

I’M TRYING TO SLEEP! GREAT NOW I’M WIDE AWAKE AND I WON’T BE ABLE TO FALL BACK ASLEEP! GOD!

I’m sorry…

YOU’RE SO ANNOYING! WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST DO IT FOR ME INSTEAD OF WAKING ME UP? I’M SO TIRED AND I’M TRYING TO SLEEP! AND NOW I’M AWAKE!

Then I reset the alarm and fell back asleep.

He reminded me of all this over cereal this morning. Remember when you called me annoying and yelled and were so mean to me last night? I had to laugh because it’s all so ridiculous. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I said or how awful I’d been, but in the morning I always realize how unnecessary it all was.

Yet I can’t help it. I’m sorry. Don’t. Mess. With. My. Sleep! It’s fragile.

*Samuel Taylor Coleride